29 December 2009

word vomit anyone?

Have I said too much? Maybe I haven't said enough? Sigh...words are all I know so what do I do when even they fail me? Or have they failed?

Shygirl told me tonight that I think too much...I'm sure she's right. But how do I make the thoughts stop? I'm trying, I really am! I had to get them out. The song by John Mayer kept running through my head, "It's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again." So I just kept saying what I think and feel. How can anyone accuse me of not communicating? I say everything...now anyway. One of the changes I've made. Communication. I'll tell you even if you don't tell me...it'll be more efficient and productive if you talk to, but I'll work with it. I'm open, I'm honest, I'm not holding back or hiding anymore.

Hello World! Here I am! Please be kind, I love you :-)

Break Down the Walls = Communicate

I was talking with Shygirl last night about building walls. Not literal walls, the kind people build inside themselves to keep the rest of the world away from the deep places. It's a defense mechanism. We don't want to get hurt. We've learned that if we let people inside of us, we will be hurt. But what's wrong with a little pain? Doesn't it hurt more to be lonely? Doesn't it hurt more to keep yourself locked away from everyone? Doesn't it hurt to know that no one really knows the real you because you've built your walls so high and so thick?

So why do we do it? Why do we build walls to keep people away? I think it's a weapon of the Adversary. We are stronger together. The scriptures say that Zion (or God's people) are of one heart and one mind; that they are knit together in unity. How can we be knit together in unity when we are all walled up in ourselves, keeping others at a distance? Satan keeps us separate. He puts petty insecurities and differences between us. He feeds us lies and encourages miscommunication. He makes us greedy and selfish and teaches us to keep ourselves away from those who would make us stronger.

This is why people are what matters. This is why we shouldn't let things come between us and our friends. God gives us soul friends, kindred spirits, those who make us better and stronger. Satan takes them away. Satan puts up walls that we don't realize until they are there. He blinds us to the truth and keeps us silent too long. We can't let him win.

I have no walls. I have broken down my walls and I am no longer holding myself back. I will tell the truth (as I see it) when I feel I need to speak up and I hope others will be overtly honest with me as well. I accept everyone. I see everyone as a friend until they prove otherwise (and even some of those I will always keep in my heart as a friend that should have been). I pray for them, I try to communicate with them because communication is the greatest demolisher of walls. I am persistant when I see someone who is desperate to get out. I will bring my pick and chip away until I help to get them out. Shygirl is my greatest example of that. She was walled in so tight that I had to be patient and persistant but we succeeded in breaking her out...at least enough to let me in.

I don't give up on those I love. I don't push them away, I don't neglect them -- especially when they have told me they need me. Let me know and I will always be there when you need a friend, when you need someone to make you strong or see you through. Let me know and I will help you break down your walls. Because I love you.

Help Me Understand, Help Me See Truth

You can't hold me responsible for what you haven't told me.

I ask for the truth, please give it to me even if you think it'll hurt me. I asked for it, I can take it. Respect me enough to be honest.

Truth and knowledge are always better than lies and avoidance. Truth and knowledge lead to understanding and acceptance...lies and avoidance only lead to pain.

28 December 2009

Outward Honesty is Important

It's difficult to see the whole picture of a situation when you have only your own observations and intuitions and opinions. It takes open and HONEST communication to form a full picture.

I know I don't see everything, that's why I ask questions and hope that people will tell me the truth. I know people are better than they sometimes act. I know people are not the jerks they seem to be sometimes, I just can't see the whole picture. I ask for honesty and open communication from those I care about so I don't jump to the wrong conclusions with my partial understanding. What can I do when people won't talk or won't tell me the truth? What do I do when no matter how I try to just let it go and stop thinking about it, I can't?

I ask. Generally in writing because I forget things when I am talking. I tell my point of view and my feelings and hope that the person I've confided in will tell me his point of view and feelings. Just be honest. The truth may sting for a moment but in the long run, it's better to be honest than to tell people what you think they want to hear.

I never make promises unless I know for absolute certain I can keep the promise. If I don't know without a doubt that I can keep the promise I say something like, "Dear friend, I can't promise but I will do all in my power to do this thing." I can't promise those who love me won't get hurt sometimes. I can promise I will never do anything to INTENTIONALLY hurt someone. I can't promise I will always be there for you exactly when you need me (through the hope of inspiration), but I do promise I will do all I can to be there for you...especially when you tell me you need me. I promise I will always love you as a friend and do all in my power to aid you in whatever you need that I can provide.

Friendship is extremely important to me. It's not something I go into lightly, it's not something I give up without a fight or without a really, REALLY good reason. Even when the other person in the friendship decides to walk away, I still keep up my side of the friendship, if only in my heart. I mourn the loss of friends and rejoice when friendships are renewed.

The scriptures say, "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God" and I believe it's true. Every soul is precious and valuable and we should do all we can to treat those around us with respect and kindness and love. Love doesn't give up, no matter what. I love you and I promise to do everything in my power to never give up on you.
You are important to me.
And that's the honest truth!

27 December 2009

seeking a true friend

Bestest Friend has been gone on a cruise for a week and a day now. I've been doing fine. I had a pleasent Christmas with family and I hung out with EB and The Artist...and The Man (I adore him and though I feel horrible on his behalf, I'm secretly a little glad that his current misfortune has brought his friendship back to me). I am so grateful for my dear friends and I appreciate the time we spend together, but I miss my Bestest Friend. I need to talk about things. I need to fall apart and have her there to listen and then help me piece things back together.

This year was terrible...probably the most difficult I've had in my life. I'm not saying there weren't good moments, there were, but it was a really hard year. Healing hurts. This was a year of breaking open and a lot of feelings and overwhelming emotion...and healing. One thing I've learned is that healing is a lonely process. When you are emotionally broken and in the process of finding a way to put yourself back together, people go away. Misery may love company, but it very often doesn't find any. I have had people around, lingering in the background and ready to step in when I'm having a good day and am ready to have fun...but in the truly difficult or painful moments, I've found myself usually alone.

No one understands what I've been through, though I've tried to explain just so I don't have to go through it alone, no one really understands. I know that God knows...but in a lot of these dark moments of anguish, it feels as though even He has turned His attention away.

Bestest Friend has done the best she could but this was a big year for her. She met the love of her life in January and was majorly wrapped up in him. My love life crumbled to pieces and I'm left without even the promised friendship. The loss of the friendship hurts more than the loss of a romantic relationship. His betrayal cuts so deeply that I can't even find the words to express the hurt. He promised and he broke his promise. I'm not angry, I'm just sad and hurt.

Right now I need a true friend. I need someone who won't abandon me, who will be by my side no matter what. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that the year is over (almost) and that next year will be better because I deserve to be happy. This year hurt more than almost any other year of my life and I just need someone to tell me that the hurt will end and the joy will come. I feel lost at sea, tossed on the waves and windblown. I don't want to be swallowed by the depths, I want to be rescued and made to feel safe. I want a safe and warm lap to rest my head on. I want someone to comb their fingers through my hair and soothe the fear and the ache that is raging inside.

I believe that next year will be better. I believe that good things are coming. I believe that school will be good, that I'll find a job I like before my funds completely run dry. I believe new friends will come and fill the void left by others. I believe the fear will fade and the ache will cease. I believe I'll wake up and not wish I hadn't. I believe joy will come as I seek it and invite it. But tonight, I miss my best friends. Tonight my heart hurts and the hot tears are spilling from my eyes and I can't see how my beliefs will become reality. Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep and maybe tomorrow my vision will be washed clean. Maybe tomorrow I'll find a true friend who has some sympathy, some answers, some love to give...

24 December 2009

Christmas Cookies with The Kid

That's a rolling pin, not a baseball bat, silly!

Hey Child, I see you eyeing those sprinkles...

Little Baker helping Gramma

Yeah, he's as mischievous as he looks. But he's a lot of fun to bake Christmas Cookies with!

21 December 2009


There is an anonymous comment on my previous post that said "It's true, boys are no good. You're better off pretending they don't exist." Thank you for your comment (I appreciate all comments) and please know that this post is not meant to offend or anything. Your comment just made me think and inspired another post. Thanks :-)

I appreciate the support in my decision to take a break from being "involved" with boys for a while...but I want to make it clear that I don't think all boys are "no good" or that I'm "better off pretending they don't exist." I like boys a lot. One of my best friends is a boy (my dear, The Artist). At this point, I simply like boys much better as friends than as romantic interests.

Every time I pray about a husband I am told to wait. I am told that my desires will be granted in the Lord's time and in His way. So I'm trying to make the decision my own. I'm doing my best to be patient and to focus my life on pursuing other goals and dreams while preparing myself to be the best me I can be. My ultimate goal in life has always been to be a wife and mother but obviously there are other things I need to experience and accomplish before the time is right.

So, I adore the boy FRIENDS in my life right now and I would not wish them away for anything. In fact I'm working on cultivating new friendships as well. I miss the guy friends who have distanced themselves from me for whatever reason (mainly the ones who flatter themselves into thinking I'm madly in love with them when I simply care for them as friends...but whatever, I'm here if they ever get their heads on straight and decide they miss my friendship). But, I'm taking charge. No more wallowing over the insecurities and ignorances of others. I'm a fantastic friend and if they can't see it, that's their loss.

Ok, enough with the defiance! I have to go pick up my Gramma and Uncle from Bliss's house now. Have a fantastic week leading up to Christmas. I'm feeling better now so I'll probably write more at some point this week. Have fun!

17 December 2009

sick, sick, sick

I feel lousy. This is the worst week for being sick. It hit me suddenly yesterday and now I'm going crazy. Sunday is the Christmas program at church and not only am I in the choir, I volunteered to give a little talk. How am I supposed to sing or talk when my nose is stuffy and my throat is scratchy and congested? Ugh! No good.

On a happy note, I got my grades today. Even with all the drama and emotional instability of the last few months, my lowest grade was a B+, very good! I'm pleased! Next semester will be even better because I won't have the complication of having guy troubles. I've decided to take a break for a while. It's better for me to focus on school and deciding my future than to wallow in self pity because I don't have a man to love me. I have friends and that's enough. I'm content.

Ready to not be sick...but otherwise content.

15 December 2009

Speed Dating, No Thank You!

Shygirl and The Artist wanted to go so I went. I'm trying to be more involved and it wasn't horrible, but it was not my idea of a great way to meet people.

They had us lined up at a table, boys on one side, girls on the other. The boys rotated every two minutes. So we had two minutes to chat, introduce ourselves, etc. The problem was that we were squished together and everyone was talking at the same time. We ended up having to shout in order to hear each other. NOT effective communication. Then there's the part about having to repeat the same facts about yourself over and over to ten different guys every two minutes. I got a little bored. NO interest in any of the guys I met either. I just wasn't impressed. But then, they didn't take any interest in me either. But you know, I'm not heartbroken over it. The Artist and some other friends from the ward went to Applebee's after and then to a friend's house to play Atari. Now those were fun times!

It was an interesting experience but I think I'll stick to the normal ways of meeting people and dating.

14 December 2009


About six or seven years ago I wrote a poem. I had no idea then how widely applicable it would be. In this moment I am surrounded by people who fit into my poem. They are wounded. They are in need of an understanding heart, a compassionate friend to love them through the healing process. Someone to hear their stories, someone to turn to when the darkness closes in and they can't find the way back into the light.

I've been working through it my whole life. I can't remember a time when I didn't have a shadow and a hurt in the deep place in my heart. I talked to a woman once who does some sort of alternative therapy and she said I came to this earth with this hurt, as though something happened before I was born that wounded my soul. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that somewhere in my existance something happened to me that left a scar that still hurts. Life, my own mistakes, and the carelessness or cruelty of others have left me with more scars.

I used to curse it. I used to plead that God would take the hurt away; go back in time and make it so the hurt never happened. But now I see that there is a purpose in the pain. These experiences make me unusually compassionate toward the suffering of others. I understand the hurts of others in a way that a lot of people don't understand. I think it makes me more forgiving, more patient with the defects of others.

I've experienced a lot in my life. I've experienced a lot more than I think one person should have to experience. And yet, there are so many people who have survived worse. I don't know exactly what they are feeling. I don't know exactly what they are going through. But I understand enough to know they need gentleness, compassion, patience, and support. I can't heal them, though I can add to the cure by being a loyal friend and standing by them no matter what. I can love them and listen to them and keep their secrets until they are ready to release them. I can hold them and catch their tears. I can tell them they are going to be okay, eventually they are going to be okay. I can remind them of the grace and mercy of God. When it feels like He's abandoned them, forsaken them, or even caused the hurt they feel, I can remind them that God is good and will heal them if they trust in Him. I can help to hold them together; I can walk with them until they can stand on their own. I have been there. Some days, I'm still there...

I love everyone. I love each person as a member of my family: brothers, sisters, cousins, whatever relational title you want to assign...you, everyone brought into my sphere of existance, you are my family and I love you. Whatever you need from me, I love you and will do all I can to help you, to lift you, to heal you. Because I love you.

13 December 2009

It's just a little crush...

He's a year younger. He's driven and busy. He is optimistic and enthusiastic. He's artsy and incredibly musically inclined: he sings, dances, and plays the piano. He's talented. I find him strangely attractive...especially today. He intrigues me. He's quirky and he seems spontaneous. He's the kind I can picture dancing in the rain or through the aisles of a supermarket or the middle of the street. He gets endearingly emotional over the Christmas songs. He has a testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

He has the most delightful smile. His whole face lights up. I feel a little giddy when he smiles at me. Today I was singing and I looked up from the music, his eyes were fixed and he was smiling...at me. Tingles and butterflies. Choir practice has become my favorite time of the week.

But it's just a little crush. He's not interested in me. He barely even knows my name...sigh.

Interesting facts:

He was in my institute class at SUU when I lived in Cedar City and now he's in my student ward in Salt Lake City.
He is an actor at the theater where my brother and sister-in-law work.

OK, that's really all I've got. He gives me a reason to smile, even if it's only once a week. He gives me something else to think about. He gives me glimmers of hope.

P.S. there's another guy too. He's adorable. He's sweet and easy to talk to. He's helpful and kind. He's younger than me too...though I'm not sure how much younger. Also probably will not go anywhere, but, you never know.

At least I'm making new friends and putting myself out there, right? I'm doing my best. I'm ready for something good, I'm ready for something new. I'm really, really ready to try again.

Oh, and, the FHE activity tomorrow night is Speed Dating. Yipee! Hahaha. I'll let you know how it goes. ;-)

Do not despair, your star is still there

I LOVE singing! As I mentioned before, I joined the ward choir a couple months ago and I am so blissfully happy I did. There's nothing I love more at Christmas time than singing in a choir with a good choir director. The songs he chose are beautiful, and profound.

The title of this post is a line from one of the songs we're singing for the Christmas program next Sunday. It's a song about a shepherd boy who heard the angels sing and followed the star to the Christ Child. The line preceding talks about how life goes on, years beyond the profound experience, and you start to lose your way a little. But there's a voice that calls to you, "Do not despair, your star is still there" to remind you that the Christ is ever living, ever able to save. You are not lost in the darkness of night because the Star shines, pointing the way back to safety and peace.

The other songs are equally as uplifting and affective. The choir director makes me smile. He has such energy and enthusiasm, he's quirky and has the most engaging smile. Pure delight to watch him dance around and get so caught up in the music. I can't keep myself from smiling. I can't keep my eyes away from him. I hope he doesn't think I'm creepy for watching him (oh wait, he's the director, they like it when you watch them. haha!) He's intriguing and I'd very much like to be friends with him... ;-)

There's a stake Christmas fireside tonight. Each of the ward choirs in the stake are performing their best song in a competition. I don't care too much about winning (though our song is the best and we're not too shabby), I just LOVE that I get to sing! It makes me so happy!

It Hurts on the Heart Side

One year at Girl's Camp I was voted: Most Tender-Hearted.

"easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kind; affectionate or loving; sentimental; considerate or careful; acutely or painfully sensitive; easily broken, fragile"
~ Definitions of tender from dictionary.com.

Yep, that's me. I'm great with empathy because I take everything to heart. I feel everything deeply and completely. It's a great thing when I can understand another person's brokenness or struggle or heartache...
it's not such a great thing when it causes me to be extra-sensitive to disappointment or the cruelty of others.

I just want to love everyone I come in contact with. I want to hug them and give them the love they never received or simply fill in the crevices if that's all they need. I try to be nice, treat people with kid gloves so as to not inflict harm. I would never hurt anyone on purpose. Any hurt I have caused has been simply overflow of the hurt I feel that I can't figure out how to contain.

I'm here to love and to heal, never to harm.

Sadly, sometimes people misunderstand or misinterpret my attempts at kindness, friendship and love. Mostly the problem is with guys. I want to be friends but they think I'm hitting on them or madly in love with them and run away. Or, they see my tenderness as a weakness or vulnerability and exploit my kindness, twisting it and tearing my heart apart. I'm so weary of guys shredding my heart. I'm exhausted from guys making promises they don't keep. I'm tired of thinking I've found a friend, only to discover he is false and fleeting.

He's probably just busy with finals and life but I just don't know. It feels like more than that.

Today it hurts on the heart side. I miss him but he doesn't seem to care anymore. He's breaking all his promises and it makes me so sad. I can't say anything because he still just doesn't understand. He hasn't forgiven me (because he still doesn't understand). And to make matters worse, he's in the new love-bubble so he can't see clearly. His lack of vision wrenches my already tattered heart. I want his friendship but he seems to be incapable of being a true friend right now. Are there any men who know how to be a true friend? The Artist has been pretty good at
it thus far...even when he's dating someone, he sticks around and makes time to let me and his other friends know he cares. I thought the other would be that way, he promised to be but he's not doing so well.

All I know is I miss him; he seems to be changing and not for the better. She makes him a smaller man. She's not protective, she's possessive and controlling...stealing him away from his friends. Never in my life have I asked a boyfriend to neglect his friends, no matter their history.

He won't listen to me. He won't talk to me. It seems these days that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore...so I want to get him out of me. I want to stop caring so his ignorance and avoidance and lies will stop hurting my heart. But I can't. I'm not bitter, I'm not closed off. I'm not building walls or numbing. I'm not shutting down. I'm open and pursuing life...I'm moving forward. But I can't keep it from hurting on the heart side when I feel his absence so acutely.

He wanted to love me when I was broken and not myself. But it wasn't real love or he would have forgiven me and stood by me until I healed. He was blinded by the love-bubble the whole time we were together. He refused to admit my defects (though I told him almost daily that I was broken and defective) until the bubble burst...then the shards pierced him and he still wouldn't see me clearly.
He said recently that he wanted to see that I've changed but then he turned and walked away. How can he see the real me if he's gone? How can he claim to care when he's never around? He said he didn't want to hurt me but his lies and his lack of honesty hurt me. His lack of compassion and understanding hurts me. His silence hurts me...missing him hurts me. He promised and now he's acting like a jerk. And that hurts more than anything.

Now there's nothing I can do...except wait. So I'll wait for as long as it takes...he's going to need my friendship at some point and I'll be here with open arms and an open heart.

10 December 2009

Just Remember...

People are what matters

Life is a process

Truth Takes Time

Love always wins in the end

The things that take the most effort, the things that require the greatest personal sacrifice, are the things that are most worthwhile.

08 December 2009

No man defines who you are

I love hugs and kisses (I mean the real thing, not the Hershey kind) more than anything else, ever.

I love books. I buy books even if I don't have time to read them just because I love books.
I especially love hardback books with beautiful covers and clean old-looking paper. And I especially love poetry books, and children's books with beautiful illustrations.

I love music and art.
I love singing.
I love drawing and coloring.

I love movies and TV shows. I love watching the interactions between the characters. I love seeing the personalities. I love the writing, the dialgue, the story plots and twists. I love seeing how other people see the world and how they expose their ideals in artistic ways.

I love lilacs and sterling roses. I prefer one rose to a dozen.

I believe in the worth of souls. I believe than people are generally good and that everyone has something worthwhile inside of them. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and in looking for the good in those I meet. I love to discover their story and what makes them unique. I believe anyone can be great if given the right support and encouragement and opportunity.

I love to write. I love the letters, the words, the sentences. I love creating something that others can gain something from.

I love teddy bears, monkeys and stuffed frogs.

I love letters, notes and cards. I have four shoeboxes full of notes and letters and cards (even post-its or scrap paper messages) that I've been given over the course of my lifetime.

I love peeling oranges. I take my time removing all the veins so I don't break the skin. It sometimes takes me 45 minutes to peel an orange.

I love folding paper. I love making paper cranes because my 4th grade teacher taught us how as we read Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes. I love the idea of getting a wish if you fold 1000...still working on mine.

I love music boxes, wooden or snowglobes. I love wooden boxes (with beautiful carvings) and I love snowglobes (particulary with the Kim Anderson figurines).

I love chocolate. Milk or dark, no white. No nuts...I hate nuts. NOT Nestle brand.

I love friends. I love listening to friends. I love being the reliable one that friends turn to when they need someone. I love having fun with friends. I love talking with friends. I love sharing life with friends. My heart always has room for a new friend...

I love cranberries and cranberry juice (but only the Albertsons brand juice).

I love games: board games and card games or getting-to-know-you games.

I see the world a little differently than most. I believe that people are the most important. I believe in loving everyone. There is always a place in my heart for each person whose path crosses mine. Jesus said love everyone and that is what I try to do. We are all a part of the same eternal family and as such I don't believe in throwing people away. My heart is big enough for everyone to have a place. My only request is that you treat my heart with care. It's been broken before and it'll be broken again, I understand that's part of life. But try to be careful and sensitive when dealing with my heart, as I try to do with yours.

I'm a little dark and twisty, a little broken and damaged. But I know my defects and I can handle them. I have weakness too, just like everyone else. I'm sorry if my weakness or darkness has hurt you in any way. It was entirely unintentional. I would never hurt someone on purpose. I just want to love and lift and heal.

I'm moving forward. I have a path to tread and no one is going to hold me back. I make my own decisions and choose my actions despite what others say or do to harm me or impede my progress. My heart is open and I am doing all I can to be who I want to be. One of these days I am going to do something to leave an impression for good on this world. I don't know what yet and I don't know how, but I intend to be one of the noble ones who would not give in or give up. I intend to leave this world better than it was when I got here. I am not a quitter. I am not a loser. I am a fighter. I will succeed.

07 December 2009

"All friendship is fleeting and ends in abandonment"

So it happens to everyone and I should stop taking it so personally when people decide they don't want me anymore? Ok. Thanks once again Bones. I can move on with my life now.

I'm grateful for the moments I've been blessed to share with people I love. I will focus on that gratitude and stop mourning the loss when these moments end.

I still don't believe in throwing people away and I will never request a dear friend to leave; they will always have a place in my heart and life. But I'll try to not get so disappointed when others walk away.

06 December 2009

Artist, paint my heart happy

The Artist -- Favorite guy friend of all time (conversing with you is so good for my heart)

Shygirl -- fantastic female friend (and new Heroes buddy)

Barnes & Noble (even though their poetry section is hidden, unlabled, and pathetic) still the bookstore of my heart and my favorite happy place

Ihop -- (terrible cheese sticks) tasty chicken strips and our server was completely wonderful

All in all, a fantastic evening!

05 December 2009

The answers are in what I haven't learned yet

This semester I changed my minor from History to Family Studies. Communication was a prominent topic of study, and one I'm most interested in. I believe communication is the greatest asset to any relationship. Before this class I thought there were only two types of communicaters: those that do and those that don't. Some people just don't like to talk about things. Other people like to talk about everything.

There are actually many different types of communicators and the key to good communication is understanding the types and being able to recognize them in those you converse with.

Had I known this information a year ago, life would possibly be very different today. So maybe the fact that I didn't have this knowledge a year ago is proof that things are what they need to be now. If they were meant to be otherwise, I would have learned it before. Ok. No more looking back. I can't change what has been or what is (except as it relates to the future). Now I know what kind of communicator I am and I know what to look for in those I converse with. So, I can be better from now on.

I'm generally a Validator. I try to talk about the issue until I'm certain both parties involved understand. I have a tendency to get involved with Conflict Minimizers though, and they avoid talking about the issues as much as possible. I get frustrated because I need to understand the other person's perspective and I need to be heard and validated in my perspective. Conflict Minimizers are not good at this. So communication is ineffective and frustrating to both parties. I guess I need a Validator like me.

That understanding is helping me to let go and move forward. I'm still frustrated that I can't work things out when people refuse to be honest and talk to me about things but I'm doing my best to accept them as they are. I'll just keep loving them no matter what and that's enough...in the eternal scheme of things, you never lose by loving. It may take a while to come around, but when you open your heart and love unconditionally, the Universe will always reward you with love.

So, I'm open, I'm loving, I'm hoping. And I'm always learning...

02 December 2009


I've spent most of the afternoon working on my portfolio for my creative nonfiction class. Tomorrow is the last day and I couldn't be happer to end a class. This has been a difficult semester for writing. I've revised five of my six stories but I'm stuck on the last one.

I don't know why but I hate this story. I want to wad it up and throw it away, forget I ever wrote it. It's terrible writing. There's no heart in it at all. It's wordy and boring. The funny thing is that it's about my car accident. Wouldn't you think something like that would be action packed and interesting? Or at least emotional? Nope. I avoided the real story and instead focused on the car itself.

My teacher says that you can't write well without exposing something of yourself. You have to sacrifice something personal in order to be effective in literature. You can't be afraid of the real story. You can't be afraid to go deep and find the real meaning in an experience. This story has nothing, it is nothing. I hate it. I've been avoiding it since my peers critiqued it. It's infantile.

I think maybe I'm just tired. Perhaps it's bedtime. I'll find a way to fix it tomorrow.