27 January 2010

Count Your Blessings, Name Them One By One

Dear and loving friends: time-proven, and new

No broken bones or serious damage from slipping on the ice

Cute hair!

Being invited to the "underground FHE" (I'm in again, yea! for social life revival!)


Public transportation

The best sister-in-law ever!

Clothes that are too loose, means I'm losing some inches!


Bubble baths

Visiting Teachers who actually care and become friends and not just an assignment.

Dr. Pepper


Access to another computer while mine is in for repair


Infinite chances for change

Cameras & Pictures

Possibility for new bridges where old ones have burned

New connections

Money that lasts much longer than it should...


Green turn arrows :-)

26 January 2010

Dear Mr. Music

You have ignited the spark of imagination and creativity I feared had fizzled out forever. You are my new Muse. I have not been inspired for so long and now I feel I might actually be able to write again. No words have sprung to the page just yet but if you stick with me for a while I'm pretty sure the floodgate will break and wash over me again. I feel it starting, the tension is building, the excitement is bubbling to the surface and ready to overflow!

Thank you, dear Mr. Music for giving me such encouragement and inspiration! You may never know how you have helped in saving my life, but I thank you, nonetheless. Perhaps I'll dedicate a publication to you someday. You bring such delight and inexpressible giddiness into my soul with nothing more than a glance or a smile...in fact, you have pretty much the greatest smile I've ever seen in my entire life (particularly when it's directed toward me). You are marvelous, sir!

Lalala! I'm silly, I realize. I just haven't felt so light and hopeful and content in such a long, long time. It's such a relief and a blessing to know that I'm free and finally on the verge of attempting, once again, to spread my wings and fly! Mr. Music is only a small part of this. He's the happy thought that lifts me when I start to feel down, he's the inspiration that keeps me hoping for better things to come. It's entirely possible that things with him will not go any further than friendship, but really, in this moment, that's all I'm looking for. He's upbeat and happy, he's positive and just so bright. He has about the best energy I've ever been around and being anywhere near even a thought of him infuses me with that same energy! The contrast is amazing!

Life is definitely looking up! I'm letting go of the people who don't believe in me, the people who hold me down and pull me back. I'm moving forward and I defy anyone who would keep me from soaring. I'm working on fearlessness and hope.

20 January 2010

one on one

Last night my phone rang. It was my visiting teacher. She asked what I was up to and I told her, "not much." She asked if I wanted to go with her to a party. My other option was to sit at home and watch TV so I said, "Sure!" She said she'd pick me up at 7:30. I always get a little nervous when I'm waiting for someone to pick me up. I don't know why, maybe I'll explore that at some point...it's best if I can find something to occupy my mind until they arrive. I've been trying to sing more so I sat down at the piano and openned the book for Scarlet Pimpernell. I'd had songs from this musical in my head all day.

I can't really play the piano, but I can plink out the top hand and sing along...it helps with my sight reading when I am in choirs. Singing calms my nerves and opens my heart. It's poetry with a little extra something. I love it!

So my VT came a little late, but she sent me a text telling me, which I very much appreciated. We went to a friend's house and played games, ate cake and cookies, and had a lot of fun! I was familiar with everyone there and I am becoming better friends with many of them. I think two of the girls have decided to adopt me. They are sisters and positively adorable. When my VT and I were leaving the girls gave me sad puppy faces and said they didn't want me to go. I hugged them and promised to hang out with them again soon. They are cute girls.

When we got back to my house my VT came in to look at a picture of a girl in our ward (since I'm "the ward stalker"...I'm in charge of the photo directory so I get to hunt people down and keep track of who comes and goes. It's actually a perfect calling for me because I'm all about the names and faces instead of statistics). We started talking and she ended up staying for quite a while.

I've been aquainted with her for quite a while, but I've never really had a good conversation with her. I found out that she and I are actually quite a bit alike. It's funny, I'm more like other people than I thought. I keep finding more people what are similar and the gap I've created around myself seems to be diminishing. It's good. I'm more open and honest with people than I've ever been in my life. I talk a lot about myself when I meet people now because I want them to know and understand me. I want them to know that I'm someone they can trust, someone they can rely on. I want them to feel comfortable with me. It seems to be working.

More than anything else in the world I love one on one conversations. I love getting to know the person behind the eyes and that's more easily accomplished when it's just me and one other. I do need to remember to shut my mouth and listen a little more sometimes, but generally we're pretty balanced in our conversation (as long as the other person will open up and talk too...I ramble more when the other person is quiet or withholding, unless I can tell there's something they want to say...then I am pretty good at just waiting for them to talk).

It was a great experience. I'm so grateful that she would think of me and invite me to go with her and I am grateful that she and I were able to bond a bit. We're both really interested in human behavior and psychology so it gave us a lot to talk about.

I think I might change my major...or maybe I'll double major instead of minoring. I think I might have a future in psychology after all. It's always been there in the background as something I really want to explore...but I'm afraid, it's a lot bigger than creative writing. I'm taking the safe road with majoring in creative writing. I'm insecure in my ability to complete a degree in Psychology. What if I fail? But not trying is a greater failure.

Sorry, that was a tangent. I think one reason I'm so bad at first dates is because it's all just surface stuff. Who wants to delve into deep, personal conversation on a first date? I do, but most other people don't...as far as I know. I feel fake when I'm on a first date. I'm afraid of showing too much of myself all at once, but I want them to know the real me. Usually I end up being so nervous that I just ramble with too much excitement...or I clam up and don't talk much at all. Why is it hard for me to talk to some guys and not so hard with others? If they are just friends I can talk to them. If I know they don't have interest in me or if I don't have interest in them I can talk to them without any trouble at all.

You know, actually I think it's more that if I know where they stand in regard to me I can talk to them just fine. If there's any uncertainty I forget how to be myself when I'm around them. So I think that from now on I'd like to skip the first date and go straight to the second, is that ok? I think there's a slight flaw in my logic, eh? Sigh...oh well.

18 January 2010

It ought to cost you something

Once upon a time I considered myself a poet. Even my prose was poetic. I wrote from the depths of my feeling. Then, to my horror, all feeling stopped. Overwhelmed by life, I shut down. I couldn't give any more of myself to anything or anyone. I slumped into survival mode and abandoned all hope of becoming a writer. All my focus was on making it through the next moment of life.

Of course, while inside the storm I could not see an end or escape. I could not see how I would ever reclaim my voice, my soul.

Now I am on the other side of survival mode. I have moved into some new phase of life that I've never really experienced before. Life is generally good. I'm not emotional, discouraged, depressed, wrestling with a broken heart, anger or resentment. I'm not holding a grudge against anyone. My heart is open and alive. I'm not particularly worried about anything. No drama, no trauma, just life. It's not boring though. Life is getting better. I am getting better. Generally I'm content and in pursuit of the future. No fear, no regret...

I'm tired a lot of the time and my headaches are still there, but that is minor compared to what I have been in the past. I have nothing really to complain about. I have no deep feelings, no deep thoughts pressing on my soul. So what do I write about? I've never known how to write from contentment or happiness...so I'm having a difficult time with writing much of anything. Perhaps I should go back to writing stupid little stories like I used to. At least it would be something. I need an adventure or a life-altering event...or I need to learn how to make the mundane interesting.

Well, that's why I'm in school I guess. If I were already a phenominal writer, I wouldn't need to learn this and I would be in school studying something completely different. So I guess that when it's time for me to write again, I will have the words. Until then, worrying about it or trying to force it won't do any good.


I've decided I'm ready. The Artist and The Man have helped a lot. They are good friends who are eager to communicate and who value my friendship. I can generally read them like a book and I can almost always get them to tell me what's on their mind...if they don't just tell me without coaxing. We're all sort of in the same kind of moment so we pull together to support and encourage each other. It's good to have someone to talk with in those moments when I start to get discouraged. Cute guy friends are especially nice for that. I adore them both!

I've actually been doing fairly well with keeping myself positive and looking for the happy and the good instead of complaining. I'm generally content these days. I would like to go on more dates though. I want to practice if nothing else. So, I'm doing everything I can to make it happen. I'm putting myself in as many social situations as possible. I'm finding various hair styles and clothing combinations, and even wearing some make up now and then (I generally don't like the stuff).

Today I was gorgeous (if you don't mind my saying so). With my cutest outfit and my hair rather perfect (for once it actually cooperated and I got many compliments), I covered up the gigantic pimple on my chin as best I could and put a smile on my face and went to church. At one point I shared a glance with Mr. Music that sent a bit of a tingle up my spine. Then in Sunday School he came in after I did and with many seats to choose from, he sat by me! Oh joy! Oh rapture! I was so delighted that I think I may have squeeled at one point when he went to play the piano for the opening hymn. Silly, I know but it made my day that he would choose to sit by me!

Choir practice was wonderful as ever...although, I got rather lightheaded during one of the songs. It was a good thing I was sitting down or I may have passed out...the room spun for a moment or two. No idea what that was about. I'm pretty sure it wasn't anything...perhaps he smiled at me and I swooned. Ah, the things a little smile from a beautiful boy can do to a girl.

Anyway...it feels like it's been a long time since the last time I kissed a guy. I'm pretty sure my last kiss was in April, that's a bit depressing. Actually, until the last couple of weeks I was totally content without any physical interaction. I was working through things and finishing all the recovery. Now I know that most of the wounds are healed because I feel the desire creeping in. I try not to think about it since I really have no options at the moment. But when I start having dreams, it's difficult to ignore. I had one such dream this week...and it left me a little breathless when I woke up. I'm afraid that no actual kiss in real life could ever measure up to the one in the dream. In fact, I don't remember the last time I was "really good and kissed".
*sigh* I want to be kissed...I wonder if Mr. Music...hmmm...

Hahaha! I sound like a twitterpated nitwit...perhaps it's time for sleeping, afterall, it's after 2am...happy dreams friends. Forgive my silliness.

14 January 2010

If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself, if you wanna be somebody else...change your mind

"Grieving? Like grief? Aw, but the only thing that cures that is time." ~ Hodgins

I want to be done grieving over past relationships. I've been focusing on forgiveness (both extending and seeking) and I'm making progress, but still have some unresolved emotion. I keep catching myself talking to one of them in my head. I dreamed of Bobpi a few nights ago and woke up with him on my mind. I was halfway through my shower before I consciously realized I was talking to him. I told myself to stop. I said a little prayer for him and found something else to think about. I don't want him back. I want closure. I want a conversation. I want to go for a drive with him and just talk things out. I want to listen to his perspective and hear his honest thoughts and feelings on the subject of us.
In order to settle things inside myself I need to talk things out with someone who has answers. He's the only one with answers...but he needs to put it all in a box marked "the past: it's over" and forget about it. We deal with things in different ways. That's ok.

Nothing I say or do will convince him to talk to me. Nothing I say or do will cause him to understand what I need or move him to compassion that will help me work through what happened between us. I want his honesty, the honesty he's always withheld from me. But there's nothing I can do to get that from him. So what I have to do is change the way I deal with it. All I can do is alter my perspective, my attitude, my life.
He's a part of me, he will always be a part of me because I loved him. Todd, Teddy, The Weasel, each of the men I've loved will always be a part of me. I let Todd go. Teddy and I talked things out to my satisfaction and I was able to see him happy and moved on and I am so happy for his happiness. I don't worry about him. I don't worry about Todd either...

The Weasel's been on my mind too...No anger or hostility, I've worked through it all and I'm settled. But I'm concerned. I have no idea what is going on in his life. I don't know if he's ok or not. He's on my mind so I wonder. But there is nothing I can do because he and I don't work, at all, particularly as friends. I wish so much that we could but it seems that my ideal of being friends with guys I've formerly been involved with can not be. And that has to be ok. So I pray. When he's on my mind, I pray for him and find something else to think about.

I am a compassionate and empathetic person. I am intuitive and perceptive. But all I can do is pray so that has to be enough. I have no power in and of myself. All power comes from God so it's ok that I can't do anything except pray. It's in God's hands. We are all in His hands so I need to trust Him. Trust has never been my forte. People are not trustworthy. We are imperfect, we make mistakes, we are selfish and we hurt the ones we love. But God is perfect. He doesn't make mistakes and He is the one we can trust implicitly. So He is the one I will rely on, he is the one I will trust. He will get me through. He is my strength and my comfort.

Side-Effects of My Best Traits

Yesterday in my Marriage as an Interpersonal Process class we talked about how our best character traits can (and usually do) have negative side-effects. These side-effects can be the source of problems in our relationships. How can it be that good qualities and character traits, such as kindness, sense of humor, honesty, compassion, spiritual or intellectual depth, hard working, progressive, organized, self motivated, confidence, and other good traits be a negative in a relationship?

Every good trait comes with a liability. For example, what could be a liability of being attractive? Attractive people often get attention from undesirable people. Another example is someone who is hard-working may become a workaholic who never has time for family and friends. Compassionate people, those who are loyal and forgiving, or people who are kind to a fault may be taken advantage of or are prone to being hurt by the carelessness or abuse of others.

This lesson helped me to see some of the negative side-effects of some of my good traits. Two of the traits that are particularly problematic are:

1) I like to be helpful. I want to help everyone...whether they need my help or not.

2) I am progressive. I like to always be working on improving and refining myself...therefore I think others should do the same.

Put the two together and I tend to be too pushy and opinionated because I want to help others improve. My intention is good, my application is not. Being helpful is a good trait but I need to learn to wait until my help is requested instead of trying to force my help on others. Improving myself is a good trait and even encouraging others toward improvement is good...as long as it's in a supportive and by request kind of way. Otherwise it's seen as being selfish and critical.

So, I'm a good person, I just need to be more aware and in control of the side-effects of my "good" qualities.

Another good quality I struggle with is honesty. I have become somewhat obsessed with the concept of honesty. I want people to be completely and bluntly honest with me. I tend to be a little slow sometimes and I have trouble determining the exact intention of people when they are subtle or vague. I like to know exactly where I stand with people. That's fine I guess, I won't be offended when people are honest because I have requested it. But, the side-effects are that I do get a little offended when people are not honest with me. And, I have a tendency to be too blunt and rather tactless with my own honesty toward others. I want them to know exactly where I stand...but too often they don't appreciate my directness. So, I'll work on that too.

I like this class, it's really helping to make me aware of my weaknesses. Now I just need to figure out how to transition my weaknesses into strengths, or just cut them out of me altogether. I love learning!

11 January 2010

Today I Am Thankful For

An adorable sister-in-law to make the daily commute much more enjoyable (and give me hugs)

The best little brother in the world (particularly today because he gave me and my friends free tickets to a show and then went to the hassel of changing them when the guy we're going to see wasn't doing the show we originally reserved tickets for).

Public Transportation so I don't have to drive when I'm half asleep...and I don't have to pay for gas or parking

A nice place to live: warm, safe, dry, comfortable

Former co-workers who remain friends and are always so happy to see me when I visit -- Double E, Zigster, DisneyKid, V, The Man, Shai

The Artist, Shygirl, Bestest Friend, Em -- and other dear friends (long-time and new additions)

The opportunity to go to school

My car and money to make my payment (at least for this month, I'm not sure where I'll get the money next month if I can't find a job...but it'll be there when I need it).

Forgiveness (given and received)

Bones (even though season 4 still hasn't come yet)

MUSIC!!! Sister Hazel, Matt Nathanson, Savage Garden, Colbie Caillat, Josh Groban, Michael Buble, Avril Lavigne, Wilson Phillips...

My computer

Green turn arrows

Clean clothes

Albertson's brand Cranberry Juice & Butter Braided Twists Pretzles (I know I'm silly, but really, I would miss them so much if they went away)


10 January 2010

Experience Something New

Well, we went to the Monster Truck show. Neither of us had ever been and he didn't even tell me where we were going until we were in the car on the way there. It's generally not my idea of fun, but I decided that since I was in it, I might as well make the best of it. So, psyched myself up for it and ended up having fun. Life is, after all, what you make of it. I don't know if he had fun or not. I'm not really sure why he asked me in the first place or if he regrets that choice. I don't know. For me, it was an interesting and hope-inspiring initiation back into the dating world. I discovered that no matter what I find myself in the middle of, I have the power to enjoy myself. I also found out that I really like surprises and I trying new things. I always said I did but now I know it's true.

My date was an interesting fellow, intriguing character study if nothing else. I don't know that we would mesh well as anything beyond friends though. So, I'll chock it up to experience and move forward. Life is strange...and so am I. Someday someone will love all of my quirks and oddities. Until then I have friends and family...and school to keep me occupied. Fun times!

08 January 2010


Made it through the first week of school! Very excited to have a couple days off. I have some homework but it's not too bad, mainly reading.

I hung out with Bestest Friend for most of the afternoon and evening...I've missed her so much. We did laundry and went grocery shopping. I don't care what we do, I just love being with her. We talked about life and relationships and everything. I hope it's not another month before we get to spend time together again.

I'm so grateful to have so many other friends, old and new, to count on. There's just something about having someone who has known you for more than half of your life. It's comforting to know that someone really knows you, everything about you, and loves you anyway. I'm so grateful for Bestest Friend! She brought me an adorable little stuffed koala bear from Australia :-) He's holding an Australian flag, so cute! I love it!

Tomorrow I'm going to see a movie with friends and then I have a date...it's been a while and I'm a little nervous. But I guess it's a good sign that he asked me out, right? I'll just have fun and make a new friend...it's good!

So far, I like 2010!

07 January 2010

Marvelous Day!

I love my Tuesday/Thursday classes
Came to terms with things...and let go...
Shaved my legs
The Man's becoming a dear friend once again :-)
Went to the temple with Shygirl
Made a tasty dinner
Chilled at home alone
Talked with Bestest Friend on the phone! She's almost home!
Got asked on a DATE for Saturday night!

Life is definitely getting better...things are finally looking up!

In the Right Place

I don't understand the process of my life. I don't understand the timing or what my experiences are good for. But I know there's a bigger picture. I can't see it now, but it's there. Right now, my life is what it needs to be. I'm in the right place at Weber. The classes I'm taking, the teachers I have (most of them anyway) are what I need right now to help me progress and move to the next phase of life. They also help me make sense of the past.

One of my classes this semester for my minor in Family Studies is Marriage as an Interpersonal Process. The lesson today was about Core Needs and Fears. I can't explain how much perspective it gave me on my relationship with Bobpi. It's like so many of the things that I've been struggling with understanding finally settled during this class.

My perspective was foggy and I couldn't find anyone to explain things to me in a way that would make it clear. I knew we had communication problems: I have a tendency to come off as being critical/critisizing, and he just doesn't talk, he avoids. Another problem we had was that neither of us knew or understood each others core needs and fears. We didn't have any real sense of a common goal or purpose. The relationship was necessary on an individual basis but it would never have worked as an eternal companionship.

I have been beating myself up, thinking if I had done this or that differently, if I'd been myself or if I'd just tried harder then we would have worked out. I've been talking circles in my mind at Bobpi, accusing him and seeking understanding of his perspective (which, of course is pointless since he's not in my mind so he can't respond).

The point that I'm trying to make is that I see now that he and I were never meant to marry. It would not have been the right pairing. I let go of the idea of he and I as a marriage possibility when he started dating his current girlfriend, I haven't wanted him back in that way. But I needed to make sense of WHY he and I were not meant to be. That's just how I am, I need to make sense of things and find answers and not leave things unresolved. I need closure. Now I have it. I've been able to see how our personalities conflict, how our goals and motivations are very different. I have been able to come to terms with the concept that loving someone doesn't mean they have to be a constant focused and active part of your life.

He's not what I wanted in a boyfriend or in a friend. He has very different ideas and practices than I do and one thing I learned today is that THAT'S OK! I have very strong ideals and perspectives and opinions and it isn't fair of me to judge others or hold them accountable to my standards. I do wish he had been more honest and up front with me, I think that's a universal truth, "honesty is the best policy" (it's cliche' for a reason). But I forgive his shortcomings and weaknesses as I hope he forgives mine (for I know mine are many).

I hope one day we're able to be active friends again because I do miss certain aspects of being in contact with him (particularly Greek food and TV discussion -- we mesh really well on those two factors). But there's nothing I can do about it now and I'm good with that. I've done all I can to work things out and now I'm settled. I'm a little slow sometimes but I always come around to figuring things out. I no longer have any regrets where Bobpi is concerned. Things went the way they did and they will continue to go as they should. I'm grateful for what I gained because of his influence in my life. I am grateful that life changes and gives us new opportunities. Nothing is set in stone. Nothing temporal is eternal and that gives me hope for better interactions in the future.

So, one of my big goals for this year is to focus on positive communication in all my relationships. I will work on celebrating, appreciating and respecting instead of criticizing.

Class today gave me a better perspective of things. I'm glad I'm single right now because I have a couple things I need to work on and resolve before I'm able to be the kind of girlfriend I want to be. I'm progressing and I'm on the verge of a good place. I just have a few more steps until I'm there. My feet aren't quite on solid and level ground at the moment. I'm working on cultivating myself into the best I can be so I can be what my future husband deserves in a wife.

I'm in the right place to lead me to the best place. Life is a process, so I know that I will always have things to learn and qualities to adjust and improve. I am grateful for that. Life would get pretty boring if I were perfect. But I would like to be a little closer to perfect than I am right now ;-)

05 January 2010

If I keep moving, if I just act on instinct, then I don't have time to think

Dear Mr. Music,

I was tired today; tired of thinking about recent past, wishing only for the future. Thank you for invading my thoughts and providing a suitable distraction and hope. Your smile makes me giddy, especially when you gaze directly in my eyes. When you stand close to me, my heart flutters and it's difficult to breath...in the most delightful way.

It's been so long since I felt that way.

The affect that you have on my spirits, my senses, my intellect gives me a rush of encouragement. I'm feeling inspired. My creativity is reviving; my imagination bursting to life. Although it was only in my mind, the date we shared today was one of the best of my life. Perhaps one day it'll become reality. I think I'll keep thinking of you for a while...it helps to pretend we are more than we are.

Maybe nothing will ever come of you and I beyond singing sessions and secret rendezvous in my stories, but it's more than enough for now. Perhaps it won't be you, but dreaming of you gives me hope and focus.

So Mr. Music, thank you for lingering. Thank you for lending me your confidence and enthusiasm for life. Thank you for teaching me to be less inhibited and more myself. Your shadow over me like a ghost, wrapping around me, keeping me safe and giving me courage enables fearlessness in me.

Good night, sweet Mr. Music. I wish you happy dreams...


I am on the Frontrunner on my way to school for my second day of the semester. Yesterday was good but a little overwhelming. I'm going to be reading A LOT and writing A LOT this semester. I have 15 credit hours, that's 5 classes...I've only taken this many once before but one class was a dance class and another was with a teacher who adored me (yeah, she announced to the class on the first day that I was her favorite student...). This semester my classes are not so easy. They are going to be a lot of work and will require a great deal of attention and focus. I think I'm up for the challenge, but I'm a little nervous. I'm praying for confidence and courage.

There are a few familiar faces in two of my classes thus far, no real friends yet but at least it's a start. I ride the morning train with my sister-in-law; it's always nice to have a travel buddy and I can't think of a better one! It's good that we travel together in the morning because it gets me up and to the train on time.

After school yesterday I went to visit my sister. The Kid was in a mood and driving Bliss crazy. Baby slept most of the time I was there. Since my parents are out of town for the funeral today, Bliss invited me to stay for dinner...and go back today to go shopping with her and stay for dinner. I appreciate her kindness and it's nice to spend time with my family! I will need to get some homework done at some point though. I did too much putting it off last semester and I can't do that again. But people are what matters!

A friend in my ward sent me a text last night while I was reading Skippyjon Jones books to my nephew and asked if I was going to FHE. I said I wasn't sure and she said I had to go. So, since she wanted me there, I went. We went bowling and I lost terribly. I don't much care for bowling, I think it's the shoes and the fact that I can never find a ball that's light but has holes to fit my somewhat thick fingers. But, it was fun! I lost with grace and style. And besides, the reason I went was to be with people. The Artist came and life is always better with him around. A group of us went to Applebee's after. Since I haven't had a job in four months I am nearly completely broke at the moment so I didn't order anything but water but I was there for the people anyway. I had a lot of fun!

I need to make a point of going to FHE every week. I have been going for the most part but I need to make a committment to go. I need to be with people as much as possible so I can serve more and make more friends. The Man asked me to take an institute class with him this semester (The Artist is taking the same class), so that will get me out and meeting new people as well...at least it will get me out and being with people...

I've decided that I need to stop isolating myself and instead I need to keep myself actively involved with activities that include other people. We need each other to help us be strong. I love people! I can't say it enough: People are what matters!

03 January 2010

Hold Me

I didn't sleep well last night so I'm tired. I didn't eat. I cried in church today because I talked about my Gramma. I took my parents to the airport and cried on the way home because if I can't have her back I at least want to go to the funeral...but I can't go (because of school and the monetary expense).

All these add up to my head throbbing and my heart aching. Today was a difficult day.

A few years ago I had a bunch of really affectionate friends. There were days when I exchanged up to ten hugs from ten different people. I've always been a hugger and it's been a really long time since I had a really good hug. Andy, Jimmy, Scott, Jon, Robby, Eric, Jerry, Jason, Omar, and other friends were all really great at giving hugs. All taller, broader, and stronger than me; all kind and affectionate and caring...about me. They gave what I call cuddle-hugs: fully encompassing, cradling almost, and lingering.

I felt safe and comfortable...secure and not alone. It's been a while since I've seen any of them. It's been a long while since I've felt that loved, that safe, that protected. It's been a while since I've had a really good hug. Most days I'm okay with it. Most days I ignore the loneliness and put a smile on my face.

Even today, I cried a little but for the most part I smiled and I got through it. But I wanted so much to see one of those old friends, have him walk up to me and grab me in his arms and just hold me. I really need someone to just hold me. I'm not heavy, I'm not falling apart. I'm sad about my Gramma and I don't even have my best friend here to talk me through it, so I just want someone to hold me until some of the heartache eases, until some of the time passes and the good stuff starts to come.

But there isn't anyone. I have no one in my life who knows how to cuddle-hug. I have no one in my life who is affectionate and comfortable enough to just hold me.

It's ok though. I felt really low so I was curled up in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy (because that's how I cope) and I got a text message from The Man. We had a nice conversation. He asked me to take an institute class with him this semester. He needed a friend and thought of me. While we were texting, Smeagle chatted with me on Facebook and gave me a cyber-hug. A couple other friends chatted or text messaged. I don't have anyone to cuddle-hug me but I have friends to stand by me and help me through it. It's not the way I wanted to be comforted but it helped. I still have friends who care even if they don't show it in the way I want them to.

I'm grateful for The Man, Smeagle, Em, The Artist, and other friends and ward members who reached out in their way. I'm grateful for friends and strangers who are praying for my family and sending us their happy thoughts. Thank you :-)

02 January 2010

I ask the questions for reassurance

The answers are inside of me. I've read the books, I've taken the classes. I know the answers that are available. But I ask the questions anyway.
My heart is sad, my mind is afraid. What if what I believe isn't what is really true?
So I ask the questions I'm afraid to believe in so I can hear someone I try to trust tell me that what I know, what I believe, is what is real.

I know, but when life turns upside-down or makes an unexpected detour, I need reassurance.

There are times in our lives when we all need reassurance. We can make it through on our own because we know the answers are inside of us...but it's nice to have someone there, a friend, a family member, even a stranger (every now and then someone we consider an enemy), to remind us that we really do know, that we really can make it through.

Thank you for being that voice of comfort and reassurance for me. Thank you for letting me be that voice for you.

That's one reason why people are what matters...we need to be friends with everyone or we might miss the opportunity to be the answer to someone else's prayer.

I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for my three-year-old nephew who teaches me so much already. I'm thankful for opportunities to learn and grow and become better...even if the opportunities look more like savage attacks from unseen influences. ;-)
I'm better, I'm a better person for all the crap and pain I've endured. I'm stronger. I'm open. I'm ready to move forward.

01 January 2010

2009 six feet under

It's 4:30 in the morning on New Year's Day and I haven't been to sleep...and I probably won't sleep.

2009 was wretched. I've mentioned that. It was a really difficult year; I've never been so relieved to see a year pass. It was brutal to the very last moment.

I woke up New Year's Eve morning more tired than when I went to bed. So I stayed in bed. I forced myself up around 11:30am and stright into a hot peppermint bath. It didn't help like I hoped so I spent the day curled in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy. Around 4:30pm I made myself get ready because I had plans with Shygirl and The Artist. They came over and by 7pm (after some chatting) we started season 3 of Heroes (thank you Target for the great deal!).

Toward the end of the third episode my dad asked to speak to me. He told me my Gramma had suffered a bleeding stroke and that she was in the hospital, unresponsive and hooked up to a ventalator (sp?). He said his older brother was flying from Florida to Ohio in the morning to assess the situation and to give the doctors permission to take her off the vent to see if she could breathe on her own. Shocked, I didn't know what to think or feel. My friends and I were planning to go to Froggie's house for her NYE party. We were already late and just waiting until the end of the episode to leave. So, we went.

After a while The Artist wasn't feeling well and Shygirl didn't want to be at the party anymore so we left. The Artist dropped us off at my house and went home to see if he could make himself feel better and meet up with us at a dance we had planned to go to. When we got inside the house my dad told me he'd talked with the hospital and his brother and the doctors said she was gone and there was no sense in waiting. My Gramma was dead.

I couldn't process it. I couldn't think about it. We went to the dance. I cried a little on the way but I made myself stop. My Gramma hated crying. She wouldn't have wanted me to change my plans on her account. She would have said there's no sense in sitting around moping over her.

When we got home from the dance The Artist came back over and we watched some more Heroes. I didn't want to be alone.

Now I'm alone. I can't sleep. All the heartache, the loss, the wretchedness of 2009 is too raw, too fresh. In a week I lost someone I thought would be my dear soul friend forever, and my Gramma. Bestest Friend is still on her cruise in Australia and I miss her more than ever right now. I am so grateful that Shygirl and The Artist and another friend were here with me tonight. I'm grateful for all my dear friends and I'm sorry I have been wishing for something else. You are wonderful and I am so very grateful I have you in my life. You are more than enough and I am so blessed.

I miss my Gramma. For a long time she and my Uncle were my favorite family members. She was spunky and stern but so giving, so caring. She centered her life around taking care of others. She never met a stranger, she adopted everyone as her own family. I always said she was too stubborn to die...I guess I was wrong. She was my babysitter when I was a kid. She picked me up from school so many times when I was sick or injured. She helped raise me for 11 years. She's come every Christmas except one since we moved to Utah (15 years). She was here for the weddings of both my sister and brother...and now she won't get the chance to see me (if I ever get married). She won't know my kids. I should have spent more time with her when she was here last week. I should have stayed home with her instead of going to a movie with my friends the night everyone else when to the Jazz game. I should have listened to her, even if she did tell the same five stories over and over. Now I'll never hear her voice again.

She was my last grandparent. Now what do I do?

All I have to say is that there better be some really incredible blessings coming my way in 2010. I can't take another year like the last. It was too much. Way too much. I did my best and I survived. I let go of the bitterness and anger and I forgave those who have hurt me...even the more recent hurts: I hold no anger or bitterness toward my dearest Bobpi though his betrayal cuts me to the core. I'm only sad. And now, my heart isn't strong enough for any more.
Dear 2010, please, let me rest in your embrace. Please build me up and give me love instead of taking it all away. I've shed more tears this year than I can ever remember before. I could have floated away and now they still spill from my tired eyes.

I'm so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of hurting.
I'm just so tired...

Goodbye 2009 I'm so relieved to see you go.
Goodbye dear Bobpi, I wish you had listened; I wish you had understood; I wish you had loved me truer because I would grately appreciate your friendship right now; I wish you wanted to be my friend (for that is all I ever want from you again); I wish you love, happiness and success throughout your life.

Goodbye Dearest Gamma. I love you; I miss you...