26 May 2010
playing with my nephews
strawberries, ice cream, chocolate syrup
dreaming of what could be
experiencing new things
25 May 2010
For so many years I hid myself away, never letting anyone know what was on my mind or in my heart. I made myself so ill keeping everything bottled inside. I've decided it's better to let it out so it doesn't fester and multiply inside. I write my feelings and thoughts and frustrations here so I don't explode out loud and say things I probably won't feel for very long. I don't want to burden others with my troubles, sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to (or it's too late at night to call anyone, so I put my thoughts and feelings here. Then generally I feel better.
Writing has always been my favorite and most effective coping mechanism. If I can write it out I work it out. In my Family Studies class Fall 2009 semester my teacher liked to say, "Whatever is mentionable is manageable." I believe that. That is why I write. Sometimes I don't want to say outright what is bothering me in a moment, but it's not enough to write it down where no one will ever see it. I need to send it into the void so I can feel heard and understood.
Em came over and we hung out for a while this afternoon. I had some time with Bestest Friend today. She's having a baby girl and is now so excited! I gave Brownie a ride but we didn't really talk about anything too heavy and she wasn't defensive and fogging so it was better. I hung out with MG for a while tonight; we went for a walk and a drive and went to IHOP. It was nice.
I had some time alone today too...I feel better. I have a huge heart, perfect for loving. I want to love everyone, help them feel accepted and worthwhile, and therefore I give them the benefit of almost every doubt and try to forgive quickly. But the trouble with such a big heart is that it is sometimes broken and when that happens, it's not easily mended. Right now my heart is in a struggle. It wants to love but as I mentioned in the last post, it's terrified to do so. I'm working on it. I'm making progress. I just need to keep working at it. I don't feel so bitter or cynical or sarcastic today. I don't feel so hurt or hopeless.
i've been thinking about all the guys i've dated, all the guys i've loved and opened my heart to over the years. of them all, i only ever felt truly loved and cared for by one. Teddy. he was a genuine friend who cared about me; and he's the one who continued to care about me after we broke up. he is the one i still consider a friend. he is the one with whom i have absolutely no regrets. one of the happiest moments of my life was when i hugged him at his wedding reception because i got to see him so very happy!
i always loved him as a friend. when he was my boyfriend, i tried loving him as more than a friend but the friendship love was always stronger than the romantic. from the beginning of our friendship i cared about him and felt love in my heart for him but it was never more than a friend. he is the one and only boyfriend that i ever felt truly loved and accepted by. the rest had selfish motives and never truly loved me. but i loved them.
Teddy's the one that doesn't hurt because it was honest and mature, and above all, it was resolved. there were no loose ends or unsaid words or hurt feelings left over. it ended and was over, but our friendship continued...the love that was always there continued, and continues. i wish all relationships could end so well.
since Teddy, i've had two extensive relationships that ended so terribly that i don't even want to try again. they lied to me, stole from me, destroyed any and all trust and hope i ever had in men or love. i can't open myself to that sort of betrayal, that sort of heartbreak again.
i want love but i'm so afraid that what initially looks like love will only turn out to be selfishness and betrayal again. i can't handle that again. i don't know what to do...
i didn't really have a moment to myself at all today. i'm exhausted and raw and frayed at the edges. i'm worried about money, worried about finding a job, worried about people, worried about too many things...so many questions and i either don't know or don't like the answers.
i'm so tired but can't rest.
~ i have friends who love me and want to be around me (and forgive me for my moments of irritation or anxiety)
~ there's always tomorrow so if today didn't go so well, tomorrow is likely to be better
~ i have options
~ things will work out...somehow they always do
~ chocolate and dr. pepper
~ music and writing at 1am
~ i own a car and it works
~ green turn arrows
~ inside jokes
~ physical needs are taken care of
~ i can look back and see the changes and progress i've made
~ i'm still here and still trying
~ conversation with The Artist makes me feel better
18 May 2010
Tonight I went to Bestest Friend's house and she made Greek Souvlaki, pitas, soup and rice; she's so domestic. It's been too long since we were last able to spend time together, just us. It was nice to talk for a while. I miss her more than I have words to say. I think she could hear in my voice on Saturday when we talked on the phone how much I needed some time with her. She's the person who knows me better than anyone else. She knows where I've been and all I've been through and so I don't have to give any history or explain anything to her, she just knows. I really miss her.
Tomorrow my dear friend is taking me to dinner and the show at Hale. I feel so humbled to have such kind friends these days. They take care of me and help me out while I struggle to find a way to stay afloat without employment. It's been almost nine months since I left the credit union...I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn't know it would be so hard and take so long to find another job. I don't know what to do and at this point I'm getting pretty nervous. I don't want to rely on the charity of others. I like to be the one taking care of them, not the other way around. But I guess it's a moment of receiving and when I learn what I'm supposed to be learning, I'll be able to give again.
Thursday I'm hanging out with another good friend. Friday Shygirl and I are doing something during the day. Then in the evening a bunch of us are getting together for a girl's night! That'll be tons of fun!
Saturday is a busy day. I have choir practice for stake conference at 10am. In the afternoon I'm going hiking with some friends. Then in the evening is the Saturday session of stake conference, probably followed by some sort of social gathering. Sunday morning I have a leadership meeting for conference, then the Sunday session. Sunday night there's a fireside.
In the between time, when I'm not looking for a job or helping out around the house, I'm putting together a puzzle. 1000 pieces that come together to form a picture of Mickey and Minnie in Venice. I like puzzles because they help me to be patient and give me a sense of accomplishment when they are done. It's been a while since I've put one together. I often start them when I'm in a moment like the one I'm currently in: an "in-between" moment. The last step is finished, and I'm waiting for the next step to begin. It gives me something to do while I wait.
I don't know what's going to happen next. It's making me a little anxious, but I'm doing my best to stay positive and look for the faith to keep moving forward. I know things will come together eventually. I'm pretty sure there's a purpose in this moment, I'm just not sure what it is. I have some of the pieces put together, but like the puzzle I'm working on, it doesn't look like much just yet because too many of the pieces are still needing to be set. But I'm still working on it.
16 May 2010
~ a three and a half year old nephew who brought me lunch in bed (even if it was made out of Play-Doh)
~ friends who want to talk to me (even when I don't feel like talking)
~ a house to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, a computer of my own (that works most of the time)
~ ALIAS and LOST (and J.J.Abrams)
~ Dr. Pepper
~ contact lenses
~ generally total use of all my appendages
~ music, poetry, literature, art
~ a unique way of looking at movies and tv shows
~ lilacs (even though i'm allergic to them)
~ warmer weather
~ knowledge that tomorrow is another day
over the years i have built up walls of anger, allowing the bitterness and fear to fester until i am surrounded by defenses. right now i despise men. i even lashed out at The Artist, the one guy against whom i measure all other guys...one of my dearest friends.
but it's not their fault...not the general population of men, and definitely not The Artist. i'm insecure and angry with myself. i allowed myself to be used and abused by men for too long. i allowed myself to fall in love with guys i knew were not right for me. i allowed myself to trust guys who were not trustworthy. i neglected to create and maintain boundaries that would keep me safe while allowing me to build healthy relationships.
now i don't know how to try again. the man of my dreams is not around and i won't allow myself to become romantically involved with anyone who does not meet certain requirements. so i'm learning to be content on my own (you'd think i would have figured it out by now). for the first time in a long time i am totally on my own. i don't have a boyfriend, i don't have room in my life for the weasel to worm his way back in, i don't even have a crush on anyone (unless you count the rush i get when i watch robert downey jr. in Ironman 2...oh baby, oh baby).
"love is what makes the world go 'round"
"love is like oxygen...all you need is love"
"love is a many splendored thing"
"love conquers all"
"nothing ruins the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love"
and many other quoted and cliche' phrases...
i am a lover. i don't do well when i go too long without some attempt at love. i want love in my life...but right now there is no room. the heart is filled to overflowing with fear and anger and pain; once again, i am broken and don't know how to repair the damages left by careless guys so i can move forward and find my own true love. i'm working on it. i had my first session with a new therapist this week. it's been three years since i was in therapy. i used to be ashamed and try to hide it, but now, it doesn't matter. if therapy will help me work through the pain and become stronger, that's what i'll do.
i am strong enough to make it through. i'm a fighter (always have been, always will be) and that means that every trial or trouble or struggle i survive, makes me better and stronger and more able to help others. i'm going to be fine. i've done all i can on my own and now i need a little extra help. there's something that i need to learn and this is the way i need to learn it.
vulnerability and weakness are not part of who i am anymore. i have friends who love me. i have family who care. most of all, i have a Savior and a Heavenly Father who want me to succeed and who are with me, helping me fight whatever battles are in my path. this war is long and hard, but i am winning.
love will come and disolve my feelings of aggression. love will come and make up for all that i have lost, all that i have suffered, all that i have struggled through. love will come...
11 May 2010
so, the call has been made, the appointment set, the first step taken. it's not the first time, maybe it will be the last; that's the hope anyway.
i'm reaching out because i'm tired of feeling not like myself. maybe she can help me be me, maybe for the first time in my life...every time i get close, something happens and i'm broken again. i don't want to be shattered, defective, undone. i don't want to feel like i'm pasted together with watery glue.
most of the time i do just fine. most of the time i can hide how i feel inside. i surround myself with people. i find ways to serve and to give. the day to day and moment to moment won't cut it much longer. i'll work it out. i know the way...or i know how to find the way to those who know the way. i'm fine, it just takes time.
09 May 2010
all of what he never said
all of me he never knew
all the lies i thought were true
the trust i didn't know how to give
the trust that grew without consent
the trust he stole and then betrayed
the trust i cannot immitate
silence magnifies my fears
silence drowns out all my tears
silence stifles intelligence
silence constructs the concrete fence
trapped inside a bi-polar mind
trapped outside the safe, divine
trapped and screaming soundlessly
trapped and fighting to be free
06 May 2010
Human Development: A-
Marriage as an Interpersonal Process: B
Grammar, Style and Usage in Advanced Writing: B
Victorian Literature: C
The part that is most disappointing is that my Victorian Lit class should have been the very highlight of my semester. I loved most of the novels we read and I love almost nothing more than to discuss great literature. But alas, that wretched Grammar class stressed me out like no other. Add in my Gramma's death, Bobpi's betrayal and engagement, and the Weasel trying to slither back into my life, plus the stress of not having a job and running out of money...oh yeah, and being without my computer for two months of the semester. I'm celebrating that I did as well as I did. I count this semester as a triumph and now I'm leaving it behind me.
I'm taking the summer off to find a job and settle some things so that I will be better prepared for fall semester.
One thing I did do right over the last few months is I focused more on people. In the CES Fireside on Sunday, Bishop Burton mentioned that later in life when you look back at all that has been, you won't regret the failed classes or the time you didn't spend at work, what you will regret is time not spent with family and friends. People are what matter. I spent time with my friends this semester. I made and cultivated friendships that I hope will last a long time. I let my friends know that I am someone they can trust, someone they can turn to when they are in need, someone who loves them and wants them to feel needed and important.
Tonight I had five different friends turn to me for comfort, a compassionate ear, guidance, support, and love. I've been struggling to decide what I want to do with my life, what my purpose is, what God would have me do. I think I have my answer. I've always been the person with kindness and a tender heart, always ready to listen, to understand, to accept...and to find a way to help heal.
I've been through a lot in my life. I've had many diverse experiences that have been difficult and often heart-wrenching, but what I've come to understand is that they give me empathy and the ability to understand the troubles and struggles of others in a unique way. I know what you're going through because I've been through something incredibly similar before. Let me help you through it.
So, my path leads toward psychology or social work. I want to help people and I've been blessed with a talent for it. So, that's where I'll focus my ambitions. It's kinda scary to take on that sort of responsibility...especial when I still have a bit of my own healing to do. But I think that's why I felt my major should be Literature/Creative Writing instead of Family Studies, Psychology or Social Work. I'm not to that point yet where I can put my whole self into it. I need to finish working through some things, and getting a BA in something less emotionally straining (now that grammar is over) is the better coarse for now. I'll have a nice little foundation for the next step by minoring in Family Studies. It's a good place to start. And, maybe another reason for majoring in Creative Writing is so I can one day write a book that will help people too. Ya never know what's going to happen in the future.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for tonight. It was a pretty intense evening, but it was fulfilling and I'm glad I could help my dear friends. It's nice to be trusted and needed.
05 May 2010
04 May 2010
As the girl grew older, as she matured and lived her life, she found herself surrounded by many other girls, with no prince to be found. She met some knights and other would-be royalty, most of whom turned out to be knaves or court jesters...but no true-hearted prince.
Every time the fools got the best of the girl. Every time she turned around with a shattered heart and tear-streaked face. But every time she found comfort and strength in her friends. You see, all those other girls who were hoping for a prince of their own, understood what she was going through. They banded together, unifying their hearts in a bond of sisterhood, knowing that they could make it through as long as they had each other.
Now these were a particular group of young women. They didn't let ignorant and petty differences come between them because they understood that they were stronger together than they were apart. They saw beyond the stupidity and blinding force of men who would pull them asunder. They held strong against the darkness and evils that sought to destroy. They loved as sisters, they shared their hearts and their lives, their fears and sorrows, their triumphs and joys. Together they celebrated accomplishments and worked through failures; they cheered each other through the difficult moments and brought peace in times of anxiety or stress. They laughed and learned and lived and loved together.
Some of them found their prince and some did not. But either way, they stayed close because there are some things that the prince just doesn't understand. There are needs in a woman's heart that can not be filled or satisfied by any man no matter how noble and royal and wonderful he is. The greatest women understand this truth and hold on to their girl friends no matter what. Women need women. Women thrive and are the very best version of themselves when they have other good women around them. Guys generally don't understand this. Some girls don't either and they just aren't as happy as the ones who do. Pray for them, reach out to them, love them anyway. They need you.
I am blessed with so many phenominal and inspiring women in my life. They come in various seasons and times of my life. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors, they come in the form of relatives, neighbors, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. They come in the moments when I am most in need of light and understanding and strength. They come when I need to give and they come when I need to receive. They are my sisters, they are my friends and I am so grateful to be blessed with so many amazing women in my life.
I love you! Thank you for sharing your joys, your sorrows, your life and your love with me.
Tonight I saw you sitting at the next table, surrounded by friends, just as I was. The guest spoke of Sisterhood and my heart reached out to you in sisterly affection. I wanted to pull you aside after and talk with you for a moment to see if we could come to an understanding. Things shouldn't have gone the way they did all those months ago. I was not then, nor am I now the threat you perceive. I am a friend and I wish you well.
I'm not seeking to be a part of your life. I understand that is asking too much. I'm only seeking closure. A friend I deeply loved was ripped from my life too quickly, without compassion or kindness, without understanding. I'm not asking for that friendship back, though do I wish somehow we could all be friends. There's too much hate in the world as it is, why should you hate me and reject me for wanting to love? We should be sisters, not enemies. If we'd met in another place, another time, another circumstance, we probably would have been friends. I don't understand.
If you ever change your heart and mind, I'll be here, waiting to be friends. If you don't, I wish you both well and I hope your life together is full of joy and love. Take care of each other, treat each other well. God Bless...
03 May 2010
This is a very powerful clip. Elder Holland is one of my favorite men, his testimony and love are strong and his witness is undenyable. I love The Book of Mormon and I know it is true. Please take a minute to watch the clip. Thank you for letting me share with you a little of what I believe.