28 July 2010


Homemade Chocolate Vanilla Rice Crispy Treats

Institute with Hey-Pay and The Artist

Clean Car

Oldies Music

Prelude Hymn: "Lead, Kindly Light"

A ladybug on the bench in front of me


Hanging out with Shygirl

A coupon for an oil change


A house all to myself

Opportunity to Serve

Grants for School

Green Turn Arrow

Experimenting with Food


Another Day

26 July 2010

a better day

Today was great! The program came together quickly without certain distractions. Chatting with Pacman during SS and RS was (for the majority of the time) delightfully uninterrupted. It's been a while since I've had his undivided attention...or that of any guy I'm remotely interested in for that matter. Dinner with my siblings and their families was actually really great.

Tonight was great too! Ward prayer was cancelled so we had a game night at my house. I will admit that I was delightfully surprised by the turnout. With the exception of Pacman (who had family stuff), BMT (who is out of town), and Midgie (who just got back from Vegas), all my favorite people came! It was nice to be with mature, intelligent and fun people who know how to have a good time without anyone needing to have all the attention. I think everyone who came had a pretty good time.

I feel better about some things that have been troubling me recently. I'm still unsettled about the job thing, but I'm gaining some perspective on that as well. It's going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright.

Today provided a much needed boost of assurance. I just needed some good conversation and some time with good friends who really like me. It was good.

As I always say, "people are what matters" and I'm grateful for the friends and family in my life.

24 July 2010

I miss you, Love

without you

I see you oh so clearly as you stand
Just beyond my reach upon the sand

You smile with that smile that I love

I swear you must be sent from up above

You teach me how to dance against the storm

And in your gentle arms you keep me warm
The courage you transfuse into my soul

Gives me the will to seek a greater goal
This journey leads me to another land
So I reach out for you to take my hand
I do not want to tread this path alone

I need for you to help me set the tone

But you just stand there whispering a song
The one that's been my guide for oh so long
The I know by the tears upon my face

It's only the beginning of this race

And though I know you are my guiding star
You now must watch me only from afar
For this test must be mine alone to take

Without you I am easier to break
That of most worth is hardest to be born
So for the grandest prize I must be torn
Though neither of us move to walk away
The space between us grows with each new day

In dream I scream and shout that it is wrong
But I awake to find that you are gone
When all my worth is proven to the end
I will be back within your arms again

Soundtrack of You

I've been thinking of you
Awaking with music in the air
The song reminding me of you
As I wander through the day
The melody plays over and over
A broken record tearing my heart
I go to places we used to frequent
Eating ice cream on a child's swing
Reading books we never intended to buy
Smiling at the thought of you
Splashing in the fountain at the park
Tears burn through the laughter
As I remember your empty chair
Abandonment of your side of the bed
The music gets louder reminding me
Your body is gone but your spirit lives on
The soundtrack of you carries me home

I've been thinking of you this week. It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to indulge my thoughts in you. It isn't time yet, and it's just too difficult to think of you when I know you're still so far away. Perhaps I should think of you more often; the heartache over missing you is worth the hope that comes more readily when you are on my mind. Perhaps you're the Muse I've been avoiding?
I've been focusing on the heartache that comes with missing you. Maybe I should focus on the hope of finding you instead. I've been avoiding all thoughts of the future, and many thoughts of the past. Trying to live here and now, only in the moment, works only so well for only so long. My life has no meaning or direction. I'm stuck in this moment, waiting for you to come, knowing you are still so far. I miss you, Love.

19 July 2010

Small and Simple Things

Coloring cardboard boxes with crayons for the Utah Food Bank

Job leads = friends looking out for me

The house to myself

Feeling better

Midgie, Hey-Pay, CP, Velcro, RSP2, Jones, BMT, Mr. Music, Z-Train, The Artist, and many other friends who make me smile and giggle.

Fun times at Applebee's after FHE

Unsolicited gas money


Criminal Minds and The Closer

An idea of what I want to do in the future

Time to figure it out


Scarred but not broken

I am not my mother

The little girl needs to grow up and stop hiding

Courage is required for any sort of change to occur
("I am seeking the courage I lack")

Inter-dependence + Accountability + Intimacy

I have the power to repair the damages

The answers are inside of me

Boundaries are necessary

I am only responsible for me: my happiness, my decisions, my thoughts, feelings and actions
Other people are responsible for theirs

The power to change what I don't like is in MY hands, MY heart, MY intelligence

Though it often feels like I am, I AM NOT ALONE

It's all preparation

get into the deep beautiful melancholy of all that has happened

Over the past week I've been a little caught up in the negatives of life. I've been overwhelmed with discouragement and frustration; from all the stress came a bit of an emotional breakdown. One thing "they" always say in these situations is to count your blessings and you'll be overcome with gratitude and forget your stress and trouble.

I've discovered that sometimes it's better to indulge in the misery for a moment: vent, wallow, scream, cry, sleep, shut down, hide, avoid, ignore, etc. in a controlled environment. After the emotion is expended I can see more clearly.

Negative emotions are blinding; they are also a natural part of being human. Whenever I try to ignore or hide or bottle my negative emotions I end up feeling worse for a longer period of time. On the other hand, if I hold on too long, the sadness, frustration, discouragement and other feelings become bricks in the walls that cage me in...or ammunition to use as defenses. So, it's generally better to acknowledge them, feel them, then let them go rather than stuff them into a bottle.

Last week was not so good. I sensed the barrage from the beginning so I hunkered down and waited out the storm. This time I was able to see the signs. I'm becoming more attentive. This time was not me giving up, it was me indulging in the deep beautiful melancholy of all that's happened.

I'm searching for the roots. Instead of dealing with each moment as it came, I bottled it, shoved it down, packed it in, and bottled some more. It's so difficult to learn to cope with the new stuff when you're already so behind, buried under all the old stuff. So, I'm digging in deep this time. I need to root out all the old junk that I've been holding on to, then throw away the bottle and learn to deal with troubles as they come.

I have a purpose, specifically tailored to me. My trials and experiences have been preparing me for whatever the future holds.

Ok, so last week I indulged and got into the deep beautiful melancholy. Now it's time to stand up, brush myself off and start fighting again. I'm exhausted and wish I could quit, but there's a purpose. I just need to hold on to that thought. There is a purpose and when all is said and done, everything will work out for the best.

Good things are beginning to happen again. I'll start collecting the good moments.

Today I'm grateful for:

Home Teachers who are also friends
Ward Choir/Mr. Music
Bestest Friend
The Kid and Buddy Boy
UNO at Ward Prayer
The house to myself for two weeks
Central Air
Cheesy movies
Dear friends

18 July 2010


It's 1am and I'm still awake even though there's a meeting at 7:30am.
Fear and avoidance keep me from sleep.
The insomnia is back.
Restlessness, frustration, worry, loneliness
an inability to breathe: heart and lungs are tight

I make progress then a new trigger sets me back again.
No one understands.
Avoid, hide, cover the eternal hurt with numerous coping mechanisms and a smile.
My words don't work right. I can't say what's wrong; I can't ask for what I need.

A few years ago I was progressing. Then I hit a wall (actually wall after wall, after wall) and the downward spiral began. Broken but in denial, I told myself I was okay, on the mend. But maybe I've been lying to myself, not just everyone else.

There is a well of hurt inside of me, it's been there for as long as I can remember. I don't know the source, I don't know how deep it goes or if there's an end. Sometimes it feels like a puddle, other times it's a surging flood. Right now I feel like I'm drowning, though to others I seem only to be sipping from a glass.

How can I look all right on the outside but feel so wrong inside?

I surround myself with people who would notice if I suddenly wasn't there. I don't want to draw attention to myself, that's why I smile, that's why I show up; that's why I'm responsible. Bestest Friend isn't around much these days, but she's still my anchor. The Kid and Baby give me another reason; Shygirl, Midgie, Velcro, The Artist, and maybe a few others. But some days...I really wish...

It's just after 2am now. I really want to sleep. I really want to rest. But what good will it do now?

15 July 2010

Working Toward Happy

Friends who understand and care

Hershey's Chocolate Kisses


TV Shows that explore human behavior

Air Conditioning

Classic Cartoons


Movies Under the Stars

Barnes & Noble

Dr. Pepper


Time Off

My Car


11 July 2010

Safe Places

When moods like my current one set in I start to feel very small and vulnerable. I want nothing more than just to curl up in someone's arms and rest for a while. Alas, right now I don't have anyone in my life to provide such comfort. So instead, I find places to go that provide as close to a feeling of safety as possible.

For reasons I don't understand, being around BMT makes me feel more at ease. All day I looked for opportunities to talk with him one-on-one (it's been over a month since we've had a good chat like we used to on Tuesday nights and I really miss that) but every time I thought I was finally getting a moment, someone came along to take it away. I don't even know that I want to say anything, it's a matter of having his undivided attention to get into a good conversation about anything really. I don't remember the last uninterrupted, good conversation with BMT, The Artist, or any guy for that matter. I tried to talk with my dad about some things today but I should remember that that never works.

I went early to church to do the program, hoping that would provide the desired moment, but Velcro came into the office and diverted all attention. After the programs were done I sat in the office until after the meeting started. BMT, Z-Train, Jones and I were all in the office.

After new member meeting I found a reason to stay in the office. I ended up curling up on a chair in the corner, wishing I could hide under the table so no one would make me leave. No one knew, I'm pretty good at putting on a mask and covering what's really going on inside. Brother H made me leave and go to RS. I was actually glad I did because the meeting was good. Our stake recently had a reorganization in the RS presidency and the new presidency gave the lesson. Sister P is still in the presidency, thank Heaven! She's pretty much my favorite woman I've ever met in my life. The other women were almost equally amazing.

The emotion I've been feeling but haven't been able to release burst the floodgate and rained from my eyes during the new RS President's talk. I wanted to sob and throw myself on the floor and kick and scream until I found relief. But of course that wasn't an option. So I just closed my eyes and let the tears seep through my lashes and stream down my cheeks, then wash over my hands. Velcro was sitting beside me and asked to hug me. RJ noticed me from across the room and came over after the meeting to offer her compassion. She is sweet.

By the time I got to ward choir I was feeling a bit better. We're singing next week, a variation of one of my favorite hymns: Be Still, My Soul. It's one of my "no worries" hymns. One phrase we sang over 5 times in a row in order to get it right. "Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below."

After choir practice I asked my new home teacher, choir director Mr. Music, for a blessing. I know it came from God. My heart was too tremulous to feel the peace right away, but the words were particular and meant for me. Simple, direct, compassionate and comforting. I didn't get any specific answers, not really, but I received some guidance and reassurance.

Right now nothing really makes sense. I feel like my whole life is halted. I can't move forward in any direction so I'm just making the best of where I am. I'm building friendships as well as relationships with family members; I'm making memories and recording experiences; I'm trying to repair damages and mend wounds; I'm helping those around me do the same; I'm seeking the Kingdom of God...I'm doing the best I know how. God will take care of the rest. There must be a purpose in this moment of waiting. Maybe someday I'll understand.

Sister P noticed my tears today and asked what was wrong. I told her it was just a difficult moment. She said, "I'm sad to hear that, you've had a lot of those...But it's making you stronger. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, you know." Yep, that's what they say. It hasn't killed me yet, so I guess I'll be about the strongest person who ever lived by the time I get out of this life. ;-)

Today my safe places were:

the clerk's office
Sister P's embrace
choir practice
under Mr. Music's hands
believe it or not, family dinner
ward prayer
texting with midgie
and now my bedroom, writing and listening to musicals

I hope sometime in the next couple of days I'll find a chance to chat with BMT. For reasons I don't understand, he's the friend I feel can help me out of this little blue funk I'm currently in...

Either way, I'm feeling a little better. I'm in God's hands...that's the message I keep getting, so I just need to figure out how to trust in that and in Him.

10 July 2010

tortured soul

how can i be a true artist if i can't be honest, even with myself?

by denying my true self, i am inhibiting my creativity and possible brilliance.

why are we taught to hide and be other than what we really are?

why are we taught to pretend, to lie, to suppress anything in us that does not conform to socially designated boundaries?

my self is in conflict. if i try to be who i am, i'm mocked, rejected, scorned. if i neglect myself i am abused, broken, left for dead.

i lose either way.

a new perspective could help.

i need a mentor to show me how to be myself without being punished for it. is that even a possibility?

i'm a good person: kind, caring, responsible, loyal, understanding...
but i've been through hell; now and then i find myself still standing on the ledge, feeling the heat, hoping and praying i won't be dragged back down.

tonight i'm emotional. life is weighing on me and i know it'll be okay, but tonight it's not okay.
i'm tired but can't sleep. i'm sad but can't cry. i'm hot and cold, empty and full, anxious and calm, focused and bemused.

there are friends i could call, i know i am loved and people care, but tonight i want to be alone. no one understands what it's like to be me. that's okay, it's the way of things. each of us are individuals, no one can fully understand what it's like to be any of us...but sometimes it would be nice to find someone who wants to try.

I'm watching a TV show that quotes philosophers and authors, etc. One of the quotes in this episode was by an English author I hadn't heard of before. I googled him and found a few more quotes. I'll be looking into him further because I feel a little better.

The quote from the TV show actually fits with my mood in a way.

"Fairy tales don't tell children that dragons exist, children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed." ~ G.K. Chesterton

Maybe I need to read more fairy tales...

06 July 2010

Laugh It Off

When things happen in life, or when i have "one of those days," instead of getting upset about it, I simply declare the day (moment, situation, etc) ridiculous and laugh it off.

Last week such a situation presented itself. The emails I received were so utterly absurd that I couldn't even get angry or upset about them. I could only laugh.

I've decided that I need more laughter in my life. I need to have more fun. I need to be more carefree. I need to stop taking things so seriously, stop taking myself so seriously.

It's working, this week anyway. So, while the situation is slightly irritating, I don't have any truly negative feelings. I pity the girl who has caused the ripple; it seems she's rather delusional, poor dear, bless her little heart. I wanted to try talking with her to work out the differences between us and set the record straight, but the things she wrote in the emails lead me to believe she would only twist my words and use them against me in the future. So I've decided to simply ignore her.

This may be somewhat difficult because we have a lot of the same friends and we are in the same ward at church, but somehow I will figure out a way to make it work. Most of our mutual friends prefer hanging out with me, so I really don't think I'll feel any loss.

This morning I went with the parents and Bliss and her family to see The Karate Kid. Good movie but I wish they had named it differently because there's really not much similarity to the old flicks. Tonight was fun too. I hung out with a little bit different group of friends than normal, then watched Ghostbusters 2 with The Artist, Velcro, CP and Midgie. It was fun. On the whole, it was a great day!

Tomorrow I'm going boating with Midgie and her family. It should be a lot of fun too. Midgie always makes me laugh so I'm sure she can help me with my determination to add more laughter to my life!