26 June 2013

teach me

right now i'm in great need of that faith i mentioned in my last post.  my heart hurts in a most familiar way. what is the lesson i'm supposed to learn from this recurring heartbreak? inner strength? the ability to face the moment with dignity and grace? patience? hope?

i really hope this time i learn whatever it is that i've failed thus far to learn so i never have to feel this way again.

23 June 2013


life is interesting.  about a month ago i was invited to a dinner at the home of a couple from my ward.  at that time i couldn't bring myself to engage in that sort of social situation so i politely declined.  about a week ago i received another call, again, inviting me to dinner.  this time i decided that i should make an effort to be a little more involved in my ward so i said i'd go.  just before i left the house i told my parents that i wasn't sure i was really up for making small talk with a bunch of strangers.  i despise small talk with strangers.  it's exhausting to pretend to be interested in the shallow and mundane in the lives of people i probably won't ever talk with again.  i know, that's a terrible attitude and i need to be better at being truly interested in whatever people want to talk about.  i just always feel like there's something more interesting and important that we could be discussing but it's socially awkward and uncomfortable to dive into such topics with strangers, so i was pleasantly surprised when a friend showed up.  we've known each other for a while but we haven't spent a lot of time together.  every time we do, however, we have great conversations and i sometimes feel like we've been a lot closer friends for a lot longer.  she is so inspiring and encouraging.  i always feel better about myself and life in general after talking with her.  i'm so grateful that she was there.  i felt more confident interacting with the rest of the people because i felt accepted by her and therefore confident to be myself.

this friend has actually been on my mind a lot recently.  i haven't really known why, but tonight as we talked i think i may have caught a glimpse.  i also received a glimpse of the bigger picture of my life.  i've been feeling really lost and confused recently, trying to figure out what my life is about, what purpose i have in existing at all.  my life doesn't follow "normal" pathways.  i keep thinking there must be something wrong with me because i can't get my decisions to match up with what society deems the "acceptable" way to do life.  i do what feels right at any given moment and follow my heart and intuition much more than i follow logic or intellectually planned pursuits.  my frustration in life comes from trying to follow a direction that isn't right for me.  i mentioned to my friend that it will be interesting to look back at the end of it all and finally be able to say "oh, now i see, all those pieces and steps and seemingly completely disconnected and totally random happenings actually had purpose and structure all along."

i love my new job.  it's a lot like my job at the bookstore, except that it's totally different.  my favorite difference is that it's still retail, but there's no emphasis on being a sales person.  it's non-profit, one of a kind, so much more variety of artwork, inside the museum, officially working for The Church, and i get a badge that opens doors and allows me to park in downtown parking lots around temple square.  over the last couple weeks i have noticed certain things that make me think i am in the right place and that choices i've made in the past have been correct for me and have led me to this place right now.  my hope is that this position will lead to a more permanent, full time, benefitted position within The Church.

after dinner my friend and i stood by my car and talked for a while longer.  we talked about employment and relationships and church callings and life.  we talked about how all human interaction and life experience can help each individual become the person they want to be and find the person they want to marry.  i can find in other people the characteristics i want to possess in myself and i can also identify characteristics i don't want to be a part of me.  each relationship (whether romantic or platonic) i've had has taught me something about myself and something about the people with whom i want to interact and integrate into my life. 

during the course of our conversation my friend said that she wants her future sweetheart to have faith like mine.  i don't think i have particularly strong faith.  i feel like my faith is weak and desperately wanting.  i doubt and fear and have little to no confidence most of the time.  but now and then i have moments like this one when i know i've made the right decision.  what i need to learn, what i've been struggling for most of my life to accept is that my intuition is usually correct.  my decisions, ridiculous and counter-intuitive though they may seem at the time i make them, are generally right and are building a foundation for something in the future i just can't see yet.  so it doesn't matter how many people judge me or are disappointed in the decisions i make because they don't add up to what society says i should be doing.  i'm doing what is right for me and that's all that matters. 

i'm grateful for friends who help me explore the difficult topics and help me to understand myself and others better.  i'm grateful for the people who are genuinely enthusiastic and encouraging and supportive of my ideals and dreams and decisions.  i'm grateful for a Heavenly plan that allows me to make mistakes and take detours and come to my own conclusions about things while always providing lessons to learn and mercy to help me find my way back to where i ultimately want to be.  i'm grateful for timing and for the glimpses i get to see of when timing plays out perfectly for my personal benefit...such as putting off going to dinner one month so i could go the next month when my friend was there so we could have a conversation that led to all sorts of insight and enlightenment!

now i just need to figure out how to apply this faith to my love life.  i need to convince myself that the love of my life does exist, that he is out there and it's just a matter of timing and purpose and we will be together when it's right.  my friend said she thinks it would be fun to double date with me sometime so she's praying for the opportunity...and the men.  ha ha ha! friends are great!

20 June 2013


sometimes i miss someone i'm not even sure exists.  a feeling of deep and profound absence, almost loss, washes me away and i am overcome with sadness and wanting. my arms ache to hold him. i'd give anything and everything just to hear his voice or feel his hand in mine. i want to see him, talk with him, share the same air and space with him. i want to look into his eyes and know that i exist because he sees me and wants to know every ounce of me. i want to run my fingers through his hair, hold his stubbly face in my hands, feel his arms around me...

part of me is still clinging to threads of hope that somewhere out there is a love meant just for me and that someday...hopefully soon...we'll finally find each other.

am i buying in to too many fairy tales and romance novels? am i meant to be one of the loveless, eternally incomplete? i really hope not. Will told me once that of all the people he knows i deserve to be loved and i am very capable of loving. but we don't always get what we deserve...and our capabilities and talents are often not utilized as we'd like. sigh...i don't know what else i can do.

goodnight my someone, good night my love...i miss you, are you missing me too?

18 June 2013

should i...or not...pt. 2

i almost quit my job at the bookstore today. after hours of working on the same wall of word art and clocks, the piece of art i reached for knocked against another frame and two pictures with glass fell from the wall and shattered. i wanted to scream and cry and throw the rest of the art on the ground. i wanted to throw a tantrum and storm out.  i'm overwhelmed and i feel like i have nowhere to turn for relief. i'm doing my best but my best isn't good enough at the moment.  i feel completely out of control and i don't know what to do.  what i want most, what would make the greatest difference just isn't available.  a dear friend (preferably male) with arms and at least one ear...i still don't understand why that's too much to ask. 

anyway, i toughed it out, thanks to D and a rather fortuitous visit from Paul-daul.  i still want to quit.  i dread going in tomorrow and particularly Thursday...well, i guess it's only three hours tomorrow, and the boss won't be there Thursday...but the art project i'm working on will take at least through the end of the week...and what little energy and possibly sanity i have left.  i haven't had a day off in almost a month and i haven't been sleeping well...and i'm desperately deprived of affection and i just don't know how much longer i can take any of this.  i'm just so done with life!  ugh!

i just don't know what to do. 

i didn't walk away from the "friend" either. i was frustrated and emotional and just plain stressed and i let disappointment and discouragement overwhelm me.  i'm still sad that things aren't different between us, better between us, but i'm doing my best to make the best of things.  i don't walk away from things just because they aren't ideal.  i'm a fighter, a survivor.  i'm loyal and passionate and searching for the life that fits my dreams and personality. i'm not in the life i want and i can't seem to figure out how to get there.  i'm doing my best to make the best of the life i'm in...i just don't like it at this moment.  ugh...

anyway, for the moment i'm not leaving but i'm definitely adjusting some priorities and scheduling.

should i stay or should i go now?

this seems to be the question of my life right now. well, maybe not my whole life but a couple of fairly key areas. the bookstore, and a certain "friendship." in these two relationships i feel that i give all i have and get so very little in return. i'm really not a fan of one-sided situations. i'm not even treated as valued or appreciated. so why do i stay? why do i keep trying and wasting so much time and energy on people and things that stress me out and sadden my heart? i'm doing it again...i'm allowing my concern for another to negate my own needs and well being. they don't actually care about me, their only concern is their own priorities (which i am not even on the list). so why do i stay?

well, i'm staying at the bookstore because i love my coworkers and even though my new job at the museum is great and pays much better, it's still not enough to wittle away my student loans and credit card debt. i wish they could hire me on full time instead of part time. that would be perfect! but such a position is not currently available. maybe in a few months. i'm trying to convince myself that this is the open door i've been hoping and praying and searching for. i guess we'll see.

as for the other matter...i don't know what to do. i'm tired of always being the half of the relationship that cares more and puts forth the most effort. i'm about ready to just walk away from the whole thing. i feel so...unconsidered. i'm meaningless and neglected. that's the way of people these days though. they care more about themselves or things or whatever than they care about me.  no one has time for me...uninterrupted, undivided time and attention just for me. i guess i should get over it already. i hoped that being busier with working two jobs would help me forget, or at least push it away, but i only feel more lonely and invisible.  i guess maybe it is time for me to go away.

09 June 2013

something old...something new...

the next two weeks are going to be a little crazy.  i started my new job yesterday and it's going to be great! but! between the two jobs i'm going to have a lot of long hours.  tomorrow i'll leave home around 7:45am and i won't get home until at least 9:30pm.  i work at the bookstore every morning this week except Saturday and i work at the museum every day except Tuesday and Wednesday (if i remember my schedule correctly).  both managers are so great and willing to work with me on scheduling, which is nice.  i'm a little nervous that i'm getting too old for this kind of being so busy.  if there is any complication between the two jobs i'm afraid i'm going to have to quit the bookstore.  i've been toying with that idea anyway.  it's a lot of stress and hassle for such little pay that it's almost not worth it.  the museum will be a lot less stressful, more rewarding, and (i hope) will open the door to something closer to a full-time career.  on the other hand, i don't want to leave my dear, wonderful coworkers at the bookstore.  they have become great friends.  i hope that things won't be overwhelming or complicated and i'll just be able to work both jobs at least through the end of the year.

i have student loans and a little bit of credit card debt that i would like to pay off.  i have a few monthly bills and my trip to Boston.  between the two jobs i think i'll be able to take care of quite a bit of these financial strains and relieve some of the stress that has been overwhelming me.  i feel a little less stuck than i have been feeling for so long.  i hope this new job will help to provide some of the confidence and direction that i have been lacking the last few years.  the manager said she wants to utilize my writing skills.  i don't know for certain but it is possible that i was the only person she even interviewed for the position.  she told me that after receiving my resume she was so excited to meet me and seemed to want to hire me from the moment we met.  i hope i don't disappoint her expectations.  i don't know what to do with my life.  my goal has been to be a wife and mother, but since that doesn't seem to be in my immediate future, i've struggled to find a different goal.  i decided a few years ago that working for The Church would be my second choice, but i didn't know what i wanted to do or what department my particular talents and skills would benefit.  all i've ever really done is customer service but it is definitely not my passion.  artwork, writing/books, people...these are my passions and though customer service is part of the job description, my passions will be put to use as well.  i look forward to learning and growing and expanding my horizons.  i just hope i don't ruin things somehow.  i continually pray that Heavenly Father will make me equal to whatever tasks are placed before me. 

i don't know how much time i will have for socializing in the next few weeks or months, but i do hope that somewhere in the middle of getting lost in employment, i'll find a little friendship, and maybe a little romance...
i particularly really, really want some romance.  i'd like to get involved with a man who doesn't want to focus on, or even discuss the past.  i want to start with us, here and now, and move forward together.  somewhere down the line we can talk about where we've been, but i'm trying to focus on where i am and where i'm going.  i can't do anything about the past, it is what it is, i want to move and progress and stop feeling trapped or inhibited.  i've wasted too much of the present allowing myself to be stuck in the past.  i'm finally ready for something new.

07 June 2013


words are funny. the ways in which people construct communication through the collection and connection of words is funny too. i have a tendency to read too much into these generally carelessly thrown together sentences and poorly thought out communications sometimes. i try to tell myself that he didn't mean it the way it sounds...or the way he said it. for whatever reason he simply felt like making small talk and those are the words that came to mind. he didn't mean anything by them. he didn't mean to sound unkind, or that his activity was better because i was not with him this time. that's how it sounded, but i'm sure that 's not what he meant. not that it really matters what he meant...

sometimes i do wish people would be a little more thoughtful and considerate in the way they use their words. oh well. most people don't really think about what they say, or how those they speak to might perceive their meaning...or lack thereof.

ugh :-(

i need to meet some new men; the ones i have left aren't doing me much good these days.  they don't hug, aren't around very often, aren't trustworthy when i really need a man-type friend...i miss having good guys around. all my good guys are either married or seriously dating...D-Ham's a fairly good guy i guess. he's about the best guy friend i have these days. i wish he were a hugger. and i wish i felt comfortable asking him for a blessing. i think i really need one right now but i don't have a man in my life i trust to give me one. i wish i could find the love of my life. i miss him so deeply right now.

sigh...oh well.

06 June 2013


well, the job is mine.  i'm sure it will be great! right?  ok, i'm not sure.  this morning i had my mind made up that i wasn't going to take it if she ever got around to offering, but then when i saw the number flashing, answered the phone, and heard the words, i couldn't stop myself from accepting.  it's more money for doing basically what i've done for the last two and a half years.  i should be ecstatic! maybe when i've officially started...

i am grateful for this new opportunity.  i am grateful that i'll be able to pay off some of my debt and not have to stress quite so much about finances.  i am grateful that i will learn some new skills and meet new people.  i am grateful that i will learn more about the artwork of The Church.  i am grateful that i will be given opportunities to use my writing skills, refresh some Word skills, and learn some new computer programs. 

it's a step in the right direction.  i hope it is the open door i've been praying for.  i hope this will lead to something bigger and better than it currently appears.  i really need something good and progressive in my life.  at the very least it should give me enough money to go to Boston with the girls in September.  i'm a little nervous about working two jobs.  what will it do to my already diminishing social life?  what will it do to my already weary mind and body?  will the extra money be worth the time i don't get to spend with friends and family?  or will things work out to allow for that? 

i'm worrying too much.  this is the moment when a man who loves me would be particularly appreciated.  he could take me in his arms, hold me close and remind me that i'm strong enough and brave enough to accomplish anything, and that everything will be alright.  or, he doesn't even have to say anything...i just need someone to hold me for a while.  sigh.  i don't want to do this alone anymore.  but i don't have a choice.  so, i'll remind myself of the words i most need to hear.  i can do this.  i've worked two jobs before.  i've worked and gone to school.  i've accomplished plenty in my life and this is nothing compared with some.  and i've done it all basically on my own...well, Heavenly Father made it all possible and got me through it all.  but sometimes i wish Heavenly Father was here beside me, in the flesh, to hold me and help me through these anxious moments in that way.  but my ways are not His ways, and He knows best and all.  so there's purpose in all of this struggle to find a job, struggle to find happiness without companionship, struggle to make it through another day when i really wish i could just quit.  somehow He gets me through, and i'm grateful.

it's time for sleeping i suppose.  it's after midnight and i haven't been sleeping well recently so i'm particularly weary and rambling.  as always, thanks for listening/reading.   i hope this job is the first in a string of positive improvements and steps of progress in my life.  after all, it's about time some really good moments came around.

05 June 2013

agency is a bittersweet gift

agency is not my favorite gift.  they say it's important and that it's necessary and that we chose it before we came to this life.  generally i guess i can see why it's so great.  i don't like being bossed around all the time.  sometimes it's fun to be able to make my own decisions...but the trouble i'm having with it right now is that i have some pretty major decisions to make and i just can't seem to figure out what to do.  i want someone else to tell me what to do.  yesterday morning i the stress of uncertainty overwhelmed me and i snapped.  my dad asked if i wanted a muffin and i couldn't even make that decision.  i wanted the muffin, but i knew there were only two left and if i ate it, chances were my dad wouldn't get one.  that was the trouble i had with making that decision.  i didn't want to inconvenience anyone, or deprive anyone by taking something someone else wanted. 

my major decision right now is employment.  i've never wanted a career.  it's not that i am lazy or don't want to be self reliant, i'm actually very responsible and a good worker, the trouble is that i'm a little picky about what jobs i do because my priorities are a little different than most in society.  i won't work on Sundays; that's one decision i made a long time ago and i won't slacken my resolve.  i know there are professionals that are required to work on Sundays, and it's not a judgement thing, it's a personal choice and commitment between me and the Lord.  i'd rather work doing something worthwhile, something i believe in.  i've stayed at the bookstore for so long because we're not open on Sunday, we sell books, and they are books that support my beliefs and ideals.  if they would give me a raise i'd probably stay forever.  i do so much there, and my boss relies on me a lot, but upper management, for whatever reason, doesn't see the value in taking care of the front line workers.  i have never understood that.  the front line is what makes and keeps customers.  we're the ones who do the work that fortifies the foundations and keeps the company stable and functional.  the best way to build a successful business is to hire dependable, hard working and dedicated employees, and take good care of them so they take good care of the customer base.  when morale drops, sales and other productivity drops too.  when morale is high, the business thrives.

i'm worn out.  i'm completely frayed and falling apart.  my body aches and i feel like i'm 91 instead of 31.  i can't sleep, i'm exhausted and anxious all the time...my credit is nearly maxed out and i'm barely making my student loan payments.  my kind boss gives me as many hours as she can; she's always trying to help me out and i really appreciate it, but i haven't really had a day off in a long time and it's taking a toll.  i need a less physically and emotionally taxing job.

last week i had two interviews with the store at the Church History Museum.  it's a lot like what i do now, only it pays better and it's downtown and The Church would be my employer.  i felt really good about the first interview, but not so good about the second interview, and now i'm not sure i'll take the job even if it's offered.  my boss is more than willing to work around whatever hours they want to schedule me (if they hire me) and it would be a great influx to my finances, but i don't know if my body and sanity can handle working two jobs.  i'm less and less sure i'm even going to be offered the job.  i don't know what to do.  i'd like to find a job that's not retail, not customer service in any way. i'd like a low-stress job in a quiet room where i can just listen to my iPod, do my work, and get paid enough to pay off my debts and not have to worry all the time about how i'm going to make ends meet.  but what kind of job is that?  what do i look for?  where do i find a job like that?  i really don't know what to do.

who wants to make my career decisions for me?  all i want is to be a work at home mom and raise my own family.  that's all i've ever wanted and for the life of me, no matter how hard i try, i can't come up with another dream.  and yet, try as i might, i can't find a husband either.  i feel so trapped.  i feel like the decision isn't mine after all.  i can't make someone hire me.  i can't make someone love me.  i can't make upper management give me a raise or value me or treat me with respect.  all i can do is my best and trust that the Lord with somehow fill in the rest.  i've always been taken care of...most of the time just barely getting by, but i do always get by.  i'm trying not to stress.  i'm trying to have faith.  i'm failing at both right now, but i'm working through it.  somehow, someday, things will get better.  i just wish i could find my place.