tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80663203832471638332024-02-20T11:51:35.145-07:00fantastic funk"You don't have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day." ~ Viggo Mortensenfantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.comBlogger374125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-45205159702577348772015-06-02T01:58:00.004-06:002015-06-02T23:31:00.453-06:00broken brain = sabotage<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I’ve been spending too much time again</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Alone inside my messed up head</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Being with him may be driving me nuts</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>His consistent inconsistency’s too much</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i> “Busy” is what he
says to explain</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Sudden distance, silence, space</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>“I’m not going away, lay that worry to rest”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Incongruent words cause confusing stress</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Here and gone, did I push him away?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Does he leave because I begged him to stay?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>He knows I’m hooked, though I try to be calm</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Why do I want him when I know we’re all wrong?</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Is it better to be alone and sane</i></div>
<i>Or half crazy in someone’s arms?</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
it's difficult sometimes. life is overwhelming and i just need someone to see me, hear me, hold me. he's good at two of those...sometimes he's good at all three...when he wants to be....</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the last month has been really rough for me. the constant rain and shifting weather, and now the heat have given me horrible headaches, restlessness, and a heavy bout of depression. working 7-12 hours a day, 6 days a week with little sleep and not enough food has just made it worse. topping it off, his sudden distance and silence made it pretty much unbearable. i'm really glad May is over, it was too much. i'm a little afraid June won't be much better. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i need a friend. i need someone who wants to give me time and attention, just for a moment. it seems no one has either these days...not for me anyway...not when it's convenient for me anyway. i try to be accommodating. i've always tried to be flexible, to be there for people when they need me and how they need me. right now i feel like no one is there for me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
most of the people i feel comfortable talking to have children. don't get me wrong, i love children, they are beautiful and fun and so amazing...except when i need to talk, when i need undivided attention. along with my near constant headaches/migraines i also experience oversensitivity to sound and light. children are noisy and since i'm not a parent i haven't developed the ability to tune them out when i'm trying to have a conversation. that's one of the reasons why it's too difficult for me to hang out with my friends who have children. i don't know how to ask for their time and attention away from their kids. parents should spend as much time as they can with their children, who am i to request even a momentary separation? and what about the hassle of finding a sitter? i wish i were a better friend to the people i love and miss who are wrapped up in the life i wish i could live...it's really hard for me sometimes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
my single friends are becoming more distant as well, most of them living far away these days. i don't want to disrupt their lives with my stupid need for attention. when they are around i try to keep a smile on my face, act positive even when i'm wishing i could just go to sleep and not wake up. sometimes i pray for that. please let me just disappear. who would even notice? who would even care? please don't make me do this again tomorrow. but i always wake up.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
tonight (it's 1:19am and i can't sleep...hooray for insomnia! sigh) i wish i could go somewhere, a cool, dark, safe place with a comfortable bed, plenty of fresh air, and soundproof walls. i wish i could be sedated, hooked up to an IV that would give me what my body needs, and just let me sleep for a week, or longer. i don't want to think anymore. i don't want to feel anymore. i don't want to worry about eating...eating is one of the most difficult activities for me these days. i don't know what to do about anything.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
i know i started this post talking about a boy...he's not the reason i'm depressed and wishing for an end. he's been better to me than i thought possible. he really has tried to be a better friend. it's true that when he wants me i feel better and when he doesn't i feel worse, but that's true with anyone. it's easier to want to live when i know someone else wants me to keep going. sometimes it's just nice to know someone out there is thinking of me, caring about me, every day...letting me know that i'm not invisible, insignificant, alone. but i don't want to be dependent on another person like that. i can be okay alone. i've spent most of my life alone. it's just better with someone else. i don't know what it means when he gets distant and silent like this. did he find someone more interesting, more attractive, more sane? or does he just need some time alone? does it matter? sometimes i wish he would find someone else...i wish he'd decide to love me, or leave me alone for good. but i don't see either of those happening anytime soon. so we're stuck in between...which is what i wanted...till now. i don't like the lack of stability and security. but i don't think either of us are ready...we're both a little messed up, it's not just me. i really just want to know. i want to stop being afraid. i want to trust and stop panicking, stop walking on eggshells, stop wondering about the future, stop fearing the past. i don't want to feel crazy and worthless anymore. i've worked so hard but it's never quite good enough. i don't know what to do, how to fix my broken brain, how to stop sabotaging relationships and friendships and opportunities. i just don't know what to do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
sorry for the not so happy rambling. i just really needed someone to talk to.<br />
<br />
it's 2am...can i sleep now please?</div>
fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-89850104913948147022015-05-17T22:29:00.002-06:002015-05-18T00:19:42.908-06:00forgiving...part 3 - one year<div class="MsoNormal">
One year ago today I wrote a note and opened a door that had
been locked for a long time. The year that has followed that
note has been one of shock and awe, reconciliation, discovery/rediscovery,
introspection, adventure, frustration, excitement,
intrigue, fascination, affection, and forgiveness. I have learned that what I
thought I knew was not necessarily truth. The perspective I’ve clung to for so long was not entirely accurate. In the
past my focus was on all the lack and loss instead of what was good and
present. Over the last week or so memories of moments from eight, nine, and ten
years ago have flowed through my mind; all the things I didn't pay enough attention
to the first time are standing out to me now. Maybe he was better to me than I thought at the time. Maybe my fears and ideals and broken brain put an unrealistic spin on things. Maybe he wasn't the villain I made him out to be. Maybe I was partly to blame for our inability to work things out.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t have adequate words to
say what I’m trying to say. I hesitate to say anything here at all, a little afraid that
things are going so well because it’s all on the DL. I won’t go into much detail or
anything, I just want to say that I’m generally content with the way things
are. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know what we are, why we are, or how long we will be whatever we
are. We always tried too hard to make it something (friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) instead of just letting it
be what it was, allowing things to evolve at the pace that was right for us. I
let him back into my life without a clue of what to expect. Over the last year he
has blown all expectation out of the water, so eager to have me back in his
life that he was willing to do whatever it took to keep me around. I’m the one
who has held back, hesitated, worried, and waited. And he has been patient.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Emotions and expectations started too high on both sides: wanting, needing, fearing, hoping, forcing, neglecting, searching...he was so eager to have me back, so ready to do whatever it took to keep me, but fear overwhelmed me at random moments and I made it all too difficult. Everything went too fast at first. I wanted time, needed to slow things down. I couldn't speak. The fear, confusion, and doubt mingled with the hope, desire, and possibility and took all the words away. We broke up in September. In the moment it was good and I was content, relieved even...we were always good at saying goodbye. But then it hit me and I cried for two days. It wasn't the idea of losing him that made me cry, it was the idea of starting the cycle again. It's how it always went, so intense it overwhelmed us and we ran away. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted time and consistency. I wanted time for whatever we were to simmer and steep and have a real chance to fizzle into whatever we could be. So I suggested cutting out the labels such as "dating" and "just friends" and any other definitions because of the complications created from the implication of expectations they carry. In this undefined space we are learning how to interact with each other, how to communicate, and how to pleasantly coexist. I am learning to trust. He is learning to accept me as I am and be compassionate and understanding when my brain turns against me. He has really been trying to be a good friend to me. He treats me well and is increasingly more patient and supportive in my moments of depression and anxiety. I have been trying to emphasize my appreciation for the good in him and minimize my frustration over his weaknesses. I'm working on doing the same with my own strengths and weaknesses as well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life baffles me. Relationships and social interactions often baffle me as well. I'm grateful for this year. I'm grateful that I followed whatever prompted me to open that door and let him back in. I'm grateful that things are generally content and consistent and that we are able to be friends. He is a good man and I'm really glad I can see that again. </div>
fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-11015312469779546062015-04-07T12:35:00.001-06:002015-04-07T12:35:27.213-06:00dear voidIt's been a while. Sorry, I've been neglectful. Life has been vast...I'm writing this on my phone with the auto text, when I meant to say crazy, it came up with vast.<br />
<br />
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines vast: very great in size, amount, degree, intensity, or especially in extent or range. I suppose that fits. Life has been vast, at least from my perspective. People outside would disagree. They see only snippets and tidbits but from the inside the last 6 months to a year of my life feels immense, monumental, tremendous, walloping, and overwhelming. Things have happened and I've made choices and my perspective and faith and personal truth have been tested and stretched and altered. Things I thought I knew have been challenged and changed. Things I thought were important seem less so, or more so now. I have allowed myself to follow a process that to some...maybe to most...would seem unadvisable. I've made mistakes and given in to doubts and fears more than I should have. I've hidden away too much, perhaps.<br />
<br />
For the most part I really like where I am right now. I love my job at the museum and I like my job at the library well enough. I'm generally content with the few constant friends and I've settled into a near contentment with the loneliness and disappointment of being single despite my best efforts. I've come to terms (or am coming to terms) with some ghosts from my past and the depressing and anxiety have been less prevalent. I'm finding it a bit tricky to accept certain disappointments without losing hope entirely, but I'm making progress in that as well.<br />
<br />
There are two things that need to change, but I cannot see the way. I wish I had someone to talk to who would really listen to understand, without judgement or disappointment or bias, and help me see what I cannot make clear. Perhaps it isn't time. Maybe eternal patience is required in this matter. Maybe there will never be closure or reconciliation or total enlightenment. Perhaps it will be forever unresolved. How do I accept that and move forward despite the constant uncertainty?<br />
<br />
I'm feeling low and alone today. My thoughts needed air and space and refused containment. I guess I'm hoping the void will swallow some of my discontent and leave me lighter and more able to make it through the vast day. So...<br />
<br />
Thank you, once again, dear void.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-55906396964166707322014-11-28T23:18:00.001-07:002014-11-28T23:32:10.294-07:00lean on me, when you're not strong...<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">life caves in on me sometimes</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">everything starts to hurt too much</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i get too buried in all the rubble</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the way out obstructs my view</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i need someone on the outside</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">close enough to see what I can not</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">to help clear the path, guide me out</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">you know something no one else knows</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">so this time the guide has to be you</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">this is all I ever ask from others</span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the one thing I cannot do for myself</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">i'm in the dark place. that's what i call it when i feel so overwhelmed that i can't see clearly. i know what will help the most but i have a really hard time asking. when i am my enemy i can't do it alone. i need someone else to show me the way. but what if no one is there? what if the person i need the most is too busy or too far away? i ask someone else, someone who has been there and has claimed to care...but then ends up being a selfish jerk when all i need is a little compassion and understanding; someone to listen and tell me i'm still ok and worthwhile. i forget he's not Will. they're so similar in so many ways that i forget i can't rely on him when i need someone the most. i miss Will with my whole everything. he's the one man in all the world (that i've come across anyway) who has seen my dark place and my scars and my fears and my wreckage and didn't walk away or treat me the way i felt. he accepted me, stuck by me, cared for me, guided me, and always gave so much more than he ever received. he's still around, but lives too far away now. he can't sit with me, write with me, play his guitar for me, hug me, and without even one word, remind me that i matter and that i'm not alone in the world. bestest friend is too busy and preoccupied with a 4 year old and a newborn. Chelle lives too far away and doesn't answer her phone 90% the time. they are the people i feel most comfortable talking to, they are the ones who have listened, they are the ones who have pulled me from the rubble in the past. i don't know what to do. i'm in deep this time, too deep for anyone to see or hear or reach me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">you can't tell to look at me. i put on a smile and say everything is fine...or i go silent so i won't bring people down or burden them. but i hurt inside; my everything hurts all the time these days. i am anxious and tense all the time. i try to cope alone. i try to take care of myself. i know my happiness is dependent on myself and not on someone else...but there are moments, like this one, when i just can't do it alone. how do i explain this so those who haven't been here can understand? i'm not asking them to <i><b>be </b></i>my leg, i'm asking them to hold my hand, help me balance for a second while i figure out how to regain my footing. i am not dependent on them for my whole life, i'm asking only for one breath. i have been there for them on countless occasions. i am usually willing and eager to be there when someone else is in need. is there a way to make them understand? i'm not asking for them to bring me the moon, just remind me that it still shines every night, even when i can't see it. because right now, in this moment, i can't see it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 16.8666667938232px;">if you read this, please just send up a prayer for me, or say something nice and encouraging...that's all i really need, just some kindness, some faith (because mine is weak at the moment) and nice words. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 16.8666667938232px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 16.8666667938232px;">thanks.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 16.8666667938232px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 16.8666667938232px;">p.s. i will find the way back into the light. i had a pretty good month in October...once the museum was closed and that stress was over. i had a couple of pretty great weeks actually...until i started my new job and lost my footing again. i'm trying really hard not to hate it, but i kind of do. my eyes and my shoulders aren't adjusting well...and i feel more inept than i've felt at any other job ever. and i miss the museum. i miss having people who care about me and who are always excited to see me when i get to work. i miss feeling necessary and wanted. money isn't worth this...but i need it. i'm just not sure it's worth losing my sanity over. i'm grateful that i have employment, and that i am making more money and will have medical and dental insurance in a couple months (if i last that long). but i hate feeling this way and i can't figure out how to change it. i'm stuck in the dark and can't find the switch. sigh. anyway, i do know it's not as dark as it seemed today. and i'm trying to find the hope that things will get better. it's just not very easy to feel that way right now. but i'm trying.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 16.8666667938232px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 16.8666667938232px;">oh! and my dear Will friend is coming for a visit at Christmas, so there's something to look forward to.</span></span>fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-37828044946686374402014-09-24T19:26:00.001-06:002014-09-26T11:57:15.286-06:00friendship“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I
have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
<br />
―
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1265.Jane_Austen">Jane Austen</a>,
<i>
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/4039699">Northanger Abbey</a> </i><br />
<br />
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
<br />
<i>―
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/25241.Bob_Marley">Bob Marley</a> </i><br />
<br />
“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in,
stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk
away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them
for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith
together. Powerful stuff.”
<br />
<i>―
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/36719.Jon_Katz">Jon Katz</a> </i><br />
<br />
“He must have known I'd want to leave you."<br />
"No, he must have known you would always want to come back.”
<br />
<i>―
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1077326.J_K_Rowling">J.K. Rowling</a>,
<i>
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2963218">Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows</a> </i></i><br />
<br />
“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly
themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in
loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential
likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the
reflection of ourselves we find in them”
<br />
<i><i>―
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1711.Thomas_Merton">Thomas Merton</a>,
<i>
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/169157">No Man Is an Island</a> </i></i></i><br />
<br />
“Friendship- my definition- is built on two things. Respect and trust.
Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have
respect for someone, but if you don't have trust, the friendship will
crumble.”
<br />
―
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/706255.Stieg_Larsson">Stieg Larsson</a>,
<i>
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1708725">The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo</a> </i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i> </i>The concept of friendship has been on my mind a lot recently. I wrote a big post about how a certain someone said he wants to be friends but that I don't know how that's possible since he doesn't know how to be a friend to me and friendship should be balanced and two-sided. How self righteous, selfish and unfriend like is that attitude? Yes, ideally friendships are equally yoked, give and receive, everybody benefits from every encounter. But, sometimes one friend has to be the one to give much more than seems fair or right in a given moment. I'm sorry that I have not been a very good friend to a lot of people the last few years. I have been too focused on my own needs and problems and have forgotten how to be a good friend to others despite my own struggles. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
With this new insight I will try to be a better friend.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 24px;">I am grateful for all the good friends who have shown me that friendship is a whole, and can make broken pieces whole again. Friendship is giving and receiving. Friendship is kind, patient, understanding, forgiving, gentle, uplifting and fulfilling. Friendship is accepting all the flaws and shortcomings along with the talents and triumphs. Friendship is just being there in the right moment with the right attitude. Friendship sometimes feels heavy but is worth the effort. True friendship is worth more than all the riches in the world and costs only time and heart. Friendship is compassionately honest. Friendship is worth fighting for, even if that means just loving someone from whatever distance they need in a moment. And friendship is accepting them back with open arms and a joyful heart when they are ready.</span></div>
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 24px;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">“</span><span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">This is how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forgot who you are and how much you're loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn't any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember with you, which is my pleasure.”</span><br />
<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
<i>― <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/754144.James_Lecesne">James Lecesne</a> </i></div>
<br />
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<br />fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-58103131454656109512014-09-23T14:08:00.001-06:002014-09-23T14:08:10.015-06:00Understanding & Love“Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to
each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always
leads to love.”
~ John Steinbeck<br />
<br />
“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and
creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in
words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the
depth of what is unsayable between two people.”
<br />
―
<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6224.John_O_Donohue">John O'Donohue</a>,
<i>
<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/72003">Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom</a> </i><br />
<br />
<br />
A few months ago I opened a door that had been closed and deadbolted for nearly 7 years. I did not rush into the decision. Only after careful and prayerful consideration did I release the lock and grasp the dusty knob. On the other side of the door stood a man eager for reconnection. Every step I took hesitantly. Old scars burned, reminding me to tread carefully. But his words, so filled with apology and promise, soothed and softened and began to heal the wounds he'd so carelessly created so many years ago. I sometimes wish the gashes and bruises and breaks were visible, like someone battered and kicked down stairs, then maybe he would have seen the damage and stopped. But he cut and tore deeply and invisibly. For reasons I will never understand, I loved him and let him. I saw goodness in him, made excuses for his mistreatment. He wasn't parented well, he had a rough childhood, a rough life, he wasn't taught love and compassion and understanding. I love too easily, too deeply...especially those who are most in need of love and compassion.<br />
<br />
He said that he had changed. He said he wanted me in his life and he regretted all the hurt he had caused. He said he would commit. He spoke often of our future together, as though being together for a long time was an inevitability. He said he loved me. He tried. I know he tried. In all his apparent affection and hope for the future, I got lost. My fear of the past and the still aching scars kept me uncertain and holding back. I still wasn't sure I wanted to be in the present, let alone continue with him into the future he imagined. I couldn't keep up. I couldn't explain my resistance. I didn't want to hurt him with the hurt he'd caused me. I wanted to forgive and forget and give the new us a chance. But he did not understand and impatiently put me off. It was too hard. New relationships shouldn't be so hard. But it wasn't a new relationship, only a new chapter in an old story. I tried to explain but he wouldn't hear. My inability to speak is a huge problem between us. I try to say what I need to but the words don't come out right and he does not try to understand. On the verge of spewing the words, explaining the circumstance, the conflict inside my heart, he silenced me.<br />
<br />
A week ago he broke up with me. In the moment it was a good break up. He said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to just be friends. I wanted that too, but as the following days evolved I became less certain of the possibility. "Friendship" is a conflicting term for us. My definition is very different than his. So I told him I needed time to consider. A few days away from him allowed me time to release the breath I hadn't known I'd been holding for months. Understanding flooded and revealed his best efforts and my mistakes, my fears, my doubts, and my hopes. I had been so focused on the past and the future I forgot to just be and find joy in the moment. I noticed too much what he wasn't doing that I forgot to recognize and appreciate the kind and loving things he did: remembering I don't like ice in my water, paying for dinner, walking me to my car, making sure I got home safely, holding me, trying to cheer me up when I was sad or stressed, organizing a weekly game night, killing a huge spider, always volunteering to drive, coming to movie night, holding my hand, giving me his wii when the previous ex took his back, taking me hiking and to soccer games, and so many other things. They weren't what I asked so I forgot to see and recognize and praise. On the outside I could see more clearly the way things should have gone. But from the outside I also saw no way of going back. <br />
<br />
In an effort to move forward I said we could be friends. Knowing him and myself the way I do, I asked for a conversation. In order for us to be friends in a way that is acceptable to us both, I need guidelines. I need to know his perspective and I wanted him to understand mine. Yesterday I asked for the conversation but I didn't explain what I wanted and he was less than enthusiastic so my anxiety got the better of me and I forgot to see the situation from his point of view. I needed to explain to him who I am and how I function...or malfunction sometimes so he (as a friend) would be patient and understanding until I could adjust to what we would become. I wanted to give us time and space to build trust and learn to function and coexist. We did not have the pleasant conversation I intended. Instead, over text message, we both said things I regret. We did not speak to understand, we did not speak from a place of compassion and kindness, we did not speak progressively. <br />
<br />
I do not understand how things rose and fell so entirely in such a short amount of time. Everything moved so quickly and I couldn't keep up. My intention at the beginning was to repair the past, find closure, and move forward with more positive and settled emotions and learn to let go. Maybe I read too many books, watch too many movies and believe too steadily in wrapping things up in a matter of hours or pages. Life isn't neat and tidy, people are flawed and not all conflicts can be resolved. Best intentions are not always rewarded and sometimes all you can do after a fall is to crawl slowly until you are able to regain some sense of footing. All I can do is accept that things will never be clean and pretty between us. Whether we are active in each others lives or not he will always be a part of me and I will always hope and pray that life is being kind to him. I have no idea where to go from here. From the outside the answers may seem clear, but the situation on the inside is complicated and complex and not easily explained. All I can do is be in the moment. The past is gone, the future is uncertain. I can function only a moment at a time, I can take life as it comes and do my best to keep up and make better decisions as I go. And I can try harder to say what I need to say, seeking always to communicate from a place of understanding and love.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-65784797034373538422014-09-14T18:58:00.000-06:002014-09-14T19:09:02.387-06:00Grateful For...<div class="MsoNormal">
Today is a good day. It
shouldn’t be. I should be overrun with anxiety because I’m waiting to hear from
someone, waiting to be allowed to speak, waiting to know…but for reasons I’m
not sure of, I’m only slightly nervous.
It seems that perspective and love are powerful forces. Perhaps I’ll go into that a little more
later, but while I’m feeling optimistic, I’m going to write about something
else.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
About a week and a half ago I was challenged by a dear
friend to post on Facebook three things that I’m grateful for each day for one
week. Yesterday was the last day but
today I am feeling overcome with gratitude and therefore, I am posting that
gratitude here.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Today
I am grateful for (in no particular order):</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Today and this waiting place…regardless of what
happens</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Love, in all its forms, with all its
possibilities and hopes and joys</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Hamburgers</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Education, both formal and informal</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Books</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Art</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Movies and specific TV Shows</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Kindness, Courtesy, General Consideration</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Perspective</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Music</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Therapy, both formal and informal</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Experience</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Multiple chances to become better, to try again</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Chuck</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->General Conference Talks</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Forgiveness</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Hope and Faith</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Poetry</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Photographs</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Opportunities for communication</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Nieces and Nephews</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->A house to live in, clothes to wear, food to eat<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->History</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Hugs, Kisses, Cuddles, etc...</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Travel, Beauty of the Earth and Sky</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Family</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Ketchup, Mustard, Barbeque Sauce</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Ice Cream</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Enough<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Mistakes and opportunities to set things right</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Plenty</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Sweet Potato Fries</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Netflix</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Answered prayers</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Blankets</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Accessibility to so many resources</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Employment</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Teddy Bears and other cuddling creatures</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Dr. Pepper</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My car</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Chocolate</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Words! Words! Words!</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Champ, the dog who made me love dogs</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->The Gospel of Jesus Christ</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Scriptures</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Temples</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Patience, especially when others are patient
with me</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Friendlies</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Coworkers: past and present…and future</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Another new day to try again</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">*<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Particular friends who have stood by me through
some particularly difficult moments: Sarah, Zak, Dave, Heather, Rachelle, Brittany,
Katie, Kristal, Brian, Natalie, Amy, Thomas, Tara, Crystal, Karen, Jason,
James, Tasia, Erin, Jon, Christa, Laurel, Glenda, Eraine, Mary, Myelle, Jonathan, Todd, (and
many others. I’m sorry, my mind is
blanking on names…If you feel like your name should be on this list, I assure
you your name and acts of kindness are definitely written on my heart).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
And so much more. I am not grateful for the headache that is setting in, however, so I am going to end this now and go lie down.</div>
fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-51846508098740099382014-06-03T11:32:00.000-06:002014-06-03T11:32:15.324-06:00Most of the Time...I do just fine.<br />
<br />
Life is good.<br />
Friends and family are plentiful.<br />
Music, art, movies, BOOKS!<br />
Nature, space, air, sun, water.<br />
Work, play, solitude and companionship.<br />
Food, shelter, clothes, abundance.<br />
<br />
The need sets in when it's late and I've felt too lonely too long.<br />
The physical body gets weak and weary and affects the heart and mind.<br />
The words flow too freely, releasing momentary sorrow and want.<br />
The Void swallows them whole and leaves me less empty.<br />
It's only every now and then because...<br />
<br />
Most of the time<br />
I do just fine<br />
<br />fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-86457880392707981052014-06-03T01:25:00.001-06:002014-06-04T22:39:52.991-06:00still searchingfor as long as i can remember i have felt like someone is missing from my life. a particular friend, a person with specific qualities and a degree of compassion and understanding that can just encompass me so entirely that i never feel hesitant to be myself. i've come close a few times...but as i sit here, insomnia in full force and too many thoughts swirling around my brain, i wish i knew how to reach that person. i need a friend to talk to about a specific confusion that i can't seem to sort out. Bestest Friend doesn't have time...and she's too bias on the subject. i get defensive and disappointed when i try to talk to her. i need some undivided attention and an indeterminate amount of time, neither of which she is able to give. Will was really good at both for quite a while, and he's not bias, but he's in another state and i can't talk about this over the phone. i talk to God, but i'm having trouble hearing any response...or even feeling like He's listening. that's the main source of my discouragement right now...i feel like no one is listening, no one is hearing. i need someone to see me because i feel so invisible. i need someone to give what no one seems to have. i just need some time, some attention, some understanding, some advice. but who can give me what i seek? most of the people i've talked to in the past are married and have children who take up all their time and attention. they forget what it's like to be single and alone and in need of someone to just be there, focused and attentive.<br />
<br />
Bestest Friend tried to get me to talk about it at intermission at her daughter's dance recital the other night. then, when there were too many distractions for a conversation, she told me to call her. two strikes and now i don't want to even try talking to her at all. she knows me better than that. she knows i can't talk about something so important over the phone or when she's distracted...maybe she doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation. she doesn't understand...how could she not understand? now i need a friend to talk me through two specific confusions and i can't talk to her because she is one of those confusions. she's let me down when i need her most. i'll forgive her, i always forgive her because she has forgiven me so much. but right now it just hurts. and i'm searching...always searching...<br />
<br />
thank you, dear void, for listening when no one else will.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-2266764017661318072014-05-21T00:59:00.002-06:002014-05-21T01:12:01.388-06:00Content to Wander<br />
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<br />
What do you want to be when you grow up?<br />
<br />
From my earliest memories, this question held one definitive answer for me. A wife and a mother. I was born with compassion, intuition, and an innate ability to nurture. I had no doubt that I would be married in my early 20s and raising a brood of fun-loving, creative, civilized, artistic, well-educated children for the majority of my life. As you know, that's not at all what happened.<br />
<br />
Instead of meeting the love of my life when I was five, growing up next door to each other, marrying when he returned from his mission, having 10 children and living happily ever after, I find myself single and pursuing a very different course through life. Sometimes I think I'm only dreaming; like I'll awaken any moment and find I'm only 13 years old with my whole life ahead of me. Or I'll roll over in bed and find that ever elusive love of my life lying there beside me, our crazy kids running in to pounce and kiss us awake.<br />
<br />
But every morning I wake to the same solitary situation. Until recently I thought that because my life doesn't look anything like I planned I must have taken a wrong turn, messed things up somehow somewhere along the way. Maybe I should have gone to a different college; USU instead of SLCC, the U of U instead of Weber, skipped SUU altogether...or put more determination and heart into staying despite everything. Maybe I should have been more courageous, figured out a different dream or goal, researched careers better, chosen a different major, different employment, different everything.<br />
<br />
But, as I've submerged myself in nostalgia over the last couple of weeks, retracing the steps that brought me to where I am, I don't see "detour" or "do not enter" or "wrong way" road signs. I have made some mistakes, but the major decisions were guided and correct. For all I know the mistakes were part of the plan too.<br />
<br />
On Sunday, while making small talk with a girl in my ward, the question, "what do you do?" came up, as it often does. My response, "I work at the CH Museum." Somewhat intrigued Stephanie then asked the usual follow-up, "what do you do there?" Brightly I say, "I work in the store." Slightly crestfallen, but doing her best to cover, "Is that where you see yourself always working?" Or something like that; I can't remember her exact words. I haven't had that response before. It caught me but I paused for only a moment. "I don't really know. I'll stay until it feels right to leave." Then I explained about my initial ambition and my inability to predict my path or decide my progression more than a step at a time. This feels right, nothing else does, so this is what I do. I was prepared for her to scoff at the way I live my life, but again she surprised me by saying, "I wish I had that kind of faith." What? Faith? I've just been wandering around, most of the time feeling lost and generally disappointed in my inability to climb the socially enforced ladders.<br />
<br />
This conversation gave me a new perspective, the perspective I've been struggling for years to find.<br />
<br />
I am where I need to be for now and when this is no longer the right place, the next place will become apparent. All the schools, jobs, living situations, wards at church, etc. have been where I needed to be. The friends, coworkers, teachers, wardies, and many of the acquaintances I've known and interacted with have been who I needed to know and interact with. And the timing of each has always been specific. My prayers are being answered.<br />
<br />
I have been wandering, but those wanderings have not been as aimless as they seem. Maybe someday I'll settle into a career, or finally have that family of my dreams. But until then, I am content to wander.<br />
<br />
<br />
I guess this explains why all of my favorite hymns have a common theme: faith to follow and trust in the Lord.<br />
<br />
<i>Lead, Kindly Light</i><br />
<i>Be Still, My Soul</i><br />
<i>How Firm a Foundation</i><br />
<i>I Need Thee Every Hour</i><br />
<i>Nearer, My God, To Thee</i><br />
<i>Master, the Tempest is Raging</i><br />
<i>I Know That My Redeemer Lives</i><br />
<i>I Stand All Amazed</i><br />
<i>How Great Thou Art</i><br />
<br />
<br />fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-70718326665989666372014-05-18T20:03:00.001-06:002014-05-18T20:06:23.007-06:00forgiving...part 2Today has been an interesting day. Waking, as I usually do, wishing only to burrow in and drift off again. But the squawking bird in the tree outside my window made further sleep impossible. So I prayed, as I do most mornings, "please help me" and crawled over and off the bed. In the shower, Primary songs filled my head. I got ready, went to church, sat through a committee meeting then into the chapel. Instead of finding an empty bench, I sat next to a girl I've talked to two or three times. Her name is Stephanie but I always want to call her Heather. Whatever, not important. We chatted until her friend, then my friends arrived. The meeting commenced as usual. The first talk was given by a man I became loosely acquainted with about 11 years ago. I love when he speaks because music is his life and passion. He talked about the great power music has to invite the Holy Ghost and encourage personal revelation. As he bore testimony, the Spirit wrapped around me and I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and the truthfulness of the gospel.<br />
<br />
About a month ago as I drove to work, my insides were all tight and angry and bitter. When I got to work I paused in my car and had a little chat with God. I'm tired of being all tied up in angry bitter knots. Something's gotta change and I need your help. I reorganized the priorities in my head and decided I need to go to the temple once a week, really study the scriptures every day instead of just passively listening or glancing over a few verses before bed, and I need to consciously keep Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ at the forefront of my thoughts. And...I need to forgive. I've been working on forgiveness for decades, it seems, and I just couldn't quite internalize the concept. I thought I had forgiven everyone, but my anger said otherwise. So I prayed and went to the temple, even when I didn't feel like going. And at the temple, I added certain names to the list of people for patrons to pray for.<br />
<br />
As you know from the previous post, a certain long-ago friend was pretty constantly on my mind over the last few weeks, so his name was top in my prayers. I found the forgiveness and I found the beginnings of a peace for which I've been searching most of my life. But it still wasn't quite enough.<br />
<br />
Today, as I sat, surrounded by the Spirit, listening to the roommate of that long-ago friend speak about the incredible influence of music, I made a decision to write a note and ask said roommate to deliver it. I don't think we've ever actually said two words to each other, but I decided that if it was meant to be, the opportunity would present itself. After the meeting, as I walked into the lobby (half expecting the long-ago friend to be there, by the way I've been feeling) I spotted instead his other roommate, who is a friendly of mine. So I talked with him for a moment and gave him the note to pass on.<br />
<br />
I don't know what the purpose is, if it's for me to express my peace and well wishes, or if it's somehow for him. I don't know. I may never know. But it felt like the right thing to do.<br />
<br />
I've never experienced forgiveness in quite this way before. When people described it as a weight lifted, I couldn't fathom ever feeling that light...but I do. And I feel love. Where all the bitterness and hurt and fear and anger have been festering for so long, now all I feel is love and a hope that his life is good and happy.<br />
<br />
Crazy feeling! Great feeling! Unbelievable, and yet true feeling! I hope this feeling sticks around. I'm really not the type to hold a grudge. This was an exception that I think is more about taking time to work through some major layered challenges and less about anything it seemed to be about. I'm stronger, better, and more stable than I've ever been, and this is proof.<br />
<br />
It's about time! That's all I can say.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-17066238249507989212014-05-17T01:08:00.002-06:002014-05-17T01:08:35.333-06:00forgivingDear friend,<br />
<br />
The details are hazy now, it's been a couple weeks. I don't remember if it was a line in a song or a poem, a scene in a movie, a drive through an intersection, or maybe it wasn't anything specific. All I know is that you've been almost constantly on my mind for over a week...maybe two. Usually, when my thoughts are so entirely infused with another person, I send a text or some sort of message and ask if we can get together or chat. Part of me has been searching for you in every face that passes by because it used to be that when I felt the way I do, you appeared out of nowhere in a matter of hours. But you haven't even invaded my dreams. I thought about sending a letter or email or postcard or something, but
I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear from me...and Bestest Friend said
I shouldn't contact you. My judgement was always blurred where you
were concerned, so I'm going with her on this one. But writing in a notebook words I'll never send to you isn't writing you away as it should. So maybe if I put the words here, send them into the void in which I used to write you away, maybe that will be enough.<br />
<br />
I wish we could go back in time...10 years ago this month, next month, July. I wish I could make a different decision. I didn't know how influential that decision would be. <br />
One moment, one action, one middle of the night...I lost a dear friend and ten years of my life. I miss that friend, a lot sometimes. I wish we could go for a drive or a walk and just talk for a while. But I wrote you away five years ago and he'd been gone five years before that. Sometimes I wish time erased history so we could just delete the last 10 years and pick up a moment before, make different decisions and continue on in the alternate universe where we were always only friends. <br />
<br />
But then, maybe that universe wouldn't have lasted much longer either. <br />
<br />
Somehow, what happened between us was part of our learning process...at least part of mine, I don't have a clue how it affected you...<i>if </i>it affected you. I have learned volumes about myself, about other people, about friendship, about relationships, about life, and about God. I have learned about hate, fear, loss, sorrow, guilt, shame...but also hope, faith, love, repentance, and forgiveness. <br />
<br />
I finally feel forgiveness. I forgive you. I forgive God. I forgive myself. And I feel forgiven.<br />
<br />
The last communication you received directly from me called you a villain. Our relationship destroyed so much of who I was. I thought it was maliciousness on your part, but I don't think that anymore. I don't know your motives. I don't know if you know your motives. I thought I was motivated by love; that may be somewhat true, but too much need and desperation were mixed in too. I was full of holes before you came along and I tried to fill them with you. But as you filled some, you created others. The thing I'm finally realizing is that the me I was needed to be torn apart so I could become the me I want to be. Why that job was yours, I may never know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger, more aware of what we were doing to each other sooner. I'm sorry I let things go too far, too long, too deep. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to you, and that I needed more friendship than you could give.<br />
Thank you for trying, because I think you did. Thank you for pulling me apart, exposing my weakness, and going away when I couldn't handle anymore. <br />
<br />
Maybe someday we'll find each other in another alternate universe and we can go for a walk or a drive and talk about everything...or nothing...sometimes I miss just being with you. I'd like to think you sometimes miss me too...but I doubt you've even thought of me in the last five years. That's okay. If, by chance, you do think of me, stumble into my void and read this, just know...it's okay, we're okay. At least on my end.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-25632091833611171922013-11-12T01:03:00.002-07:002015-05-19T00:29:02.343-06:00words...ridiculously sentimental words...i wrote a letter with (i'm sure) too much sentiment. then i let all my stupid, sentimental words spill all over facebook. now i feel like a complete fool. i'm embarrassed and irritated with myself. i really need to stop flooding everywhere. i don't even know why i do it. i just have too much inside of me and i can't seem to find enough places to put it. i don't want to burden people directly, but i can't carry it all myself. so i send it into the void and hope maybe i'll get a prayer or something. and maybe my struggles will help someone else somehow...if nothing else, you can be grateful you're not a basket case like me. you can be grateful you're not single anymore. being single in a world of married people really isn't great. watching people with their significant companion and their adorable children wrenches my heart. i miss my married friends, i love them and i am so happy for their happiness, but i don't fit in with them and it hurts so much. i don't know how to be around them. i don't know how to set up a "play date" when i have no children to contribute. maybe i could borrow a niece and/or nephew...i've always felt so out of place anyway, but now i feel like a complete alien so much of the time. except with the few single friends i still have...particularly Will, but now he's gone. i know, i need to get over it already. i'm sorry i'm such a mess. i'm sorry i didn't make better choices so i could be in a better place. i did what i thought was right at the time and now i'm just not sure what to do. i wish i could have just one more long embrace. i wish i could have just one more moment. or i wish i could find someone new who makes me feel like home.<br />
<br />
i'm sorry for all my stupid, sentimental, foolish words. i'm sorry for the stupid, sentimental, foolish feelings that won't leave me in peace. i'm just so sorry i'm not a better, more interesting and endearing person. i just want to stop being me, just for a little while. i want to know what it's like to be a normal person, just for a little while.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-68969119700253543602013-11-11T00:42:00.000-07:002013-11-11T00:42:29.026-07:00loss is no disaster<h2 class="title" itemprop="name">
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">One Art</span></span></i></h2>
<i>
</i><div style="margin-top: 20px; min-height: 570px;">
<i>
</i><div class="KonaBody">
<i>
The art of losing isn't hard to master; <br />so many things seem filled with the intent<br />to be lost that their loss is no disaster,<br /><br />Lose something every day. Accept the fluster<br />of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.<br />The art of losing isn't hard to master.<br /><br />Then practice losing farther, losing faster:<br />places, and names, and where it was you meant<br />to travel. None of these will bring disaster.<br /><br />I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or<br />next-to-last, of three loved houses went.<br />The art of losing isn't hard to master.<br /><br />I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,<br />some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.<br />I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.<br /><br />- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture<br />I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident<br />the art of losing's not too hard to master<br />though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
</i>
<br />
</div>
<i>
</i><div class="poet" itemprop="author">
<i> </i></div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
<i>~ Elizabeth Bishop</i></div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
</div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
this poem has been on my mind recently. i'm trying to convince myself that my life is not a disaster, though it does feel that way. i lose too much, too many, but it isn't a disaster, right? it's just life. life is loss...and gain. i can't lose something if i don't have it in the first place.</div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
<br /></div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
Marilyn Monroe said, "Sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together." if i really look back in my life i can see how good things have filled in the space where other things have fallen apart. </div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
<br /></div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
i'm struggling right now. it's less that "things" are falling apart and more that i am. i wonder if the day will ever come when i <i>don't</i> fall apart. i'm overly sensitive, weak, afraid, and i care too much about everything. i don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, i let it consume my every thought and action. i wish that meant that i was kind and loving all the time. but what it means is that i think and act irrationally and emotionally too much of the time. sometimes i love too quickly and too deeply. sometimes i hold on to hurt and betrayal too long. i'm not very good at patience or forgiveness sometimes. i need to find a way to pull myself together and keep myself from falling all apart. my heart and my sensitivity could be a great strength instead of the terrible weakness it is currently. i guess i just need more faith, more trust in Heavenly Father.</div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
<br /></div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
when i was little i had a lot more faith and trust than i do now. i had plenty of hope and optimism too. but life has beaten me down and i wasn't strong enough to fight back. sometimes i feel like i'm barely holding on. i'm so tired, so weary, so lonely, i don't know how to hold on much longer without some help. i'm just having a little trouble seeing it right now. it'll come...i don't know when and i don't know how, but it will. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="poet" itemprop="author">
<br /></div>
</div>
fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-89718047866607911522013-11-06T01:20:00.001-07:002013-11-06T01:20:46.064-07:00vacancymy Will is going away. tonight was the last time i'll see him until at least Christmas...then who knows when. i don't have the words to explain why he means so much to me. being with him is the closest i've ever felt to that ever illusive "home" i've ached for my whole life. i don't care that he'll never be <i>in love</i> with me, as my dear friend, he loves me better than any man ever has. he has seen the depths of my darkness but sees me as so much more than that. and that's only the beginning. he is truly phenomenal.<br />
<br />
but now he's moving. he'll be more than 1000 miles away and i don't know what to do. i don't think he's ever lived so far from everyone he knows. i moved only 300 miles away and couldn't handle it. but he's amazing, he'll be fine. i don't know that i'll be fine though. the gaping hole he filled so well will be left vacant again. most people don't know this about me, but somewhere inside i have a little voice that is perpetually hopeful. that voice is telling me that it may not be such a tragedy. first of all, he isn't dead, he's just living in another state. with all the technology these days, we'll be able to keep in contact and he'll come home sometimes...and maybe i can take a trip sometime to visit him. the voice also says, maybe his exit will allow another entrance. there is space here to be filled and the hope inside me says, maybe it will be filled with someone better than i can imagine. isn't it about time i'm truly loved? isn't it about time i find an amazing man who is more than just a friend? that is Will's one flaw, you know...he's not in love with me. it's ok, i don't need him to be...but i do want someone amazing to love me.<br />
<br />
so there's this new guy that i met a couple weeks ago. it's possible that he could be interested in me...perhaps...i'm trying to not read too much into it, and i'm trying to be patient, but i think he'd be pretty amazing. he's temple worthy and he attends; he helped pass the Sacrament on Sunday; and he is taller than me, physically rather fit, and rather handsome. those last items are why i'm not so sure he could be attracted to me, but ya never know, stranger things have happened.<br />
<br />
i really hope that the voice inside is right. i'm heartbroken that i don't know when i'll see Will again, he gives the best hugs and i love every second i spend with him, but i'm trying to be brave and not let it bring me down. i don't know when i'll see the new guy again, or if anything will even happen between us, but i'm trying to believe that good things can happen in my love life.<br />
<br />
i have so much love to give and i just want someone to let me give it!fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-70915521804383250172013-09-15T21:02:00.001-06:002013-09-15T21:02:26.037-06:00kindness begins with mein Sacrament Meeting today the speakers talked about kindness. generally i think i'm a kind person...outwardly anyway. i need to improve my thoughts in this respect. i'm not always kind in the things i think about people. it's worst when i drive in the car; i get impatient with some of the other drivers and call them morons in my mind and yell for them to get out of the way (even though i know they can't hear me). i'd never call a person a moron to their face, so why am i calling them one when they can't hear me? the problem is generally not with them, it's with me. i need to be more patient and kind, not only on the road, but with the general public with whom i interact at work, and also with my family and a few certain friends who just seem to know how to push the wrong button. i have improved over the years, i'm slower to anger and try to hold my tongue and walk away before things get too heated; i really try to be kind, but it's often to the point of being a pushover, which is not so good either. <br />
<br />
the person i tend to be most unkind toward, though, is myself. i've noticed recently that my thoughts toward myself are too often negative and demeaning. i've learned over the years to kindly accept compliments from others with a smile and a "thank you" but i don't know how to compliment myself. maybe learning to be kinder to myself will help make me kinder to others...and vice versa. <br />
<br />
today as i listened to the speakers i thought of two things in particular, besides simply my need to be kinder: 1) Sydney Bristow. 2) the Weasel.<br />
<br />
1) i've been watching a bit of <em>Alias</em> this week. it's what i do now and then when i feel a little lost and weary from the world. the show is my favorite for many reasons, one of which is Sydney Bristow. in so many ways, she is the person i want to be...i mean, if i could choose a fictional character to be reincarnated as (if i believed in such things), it would be her (well, not entirely, she dresses immodestly sometimes and she sleeps with men she's not married to, but as far as looks and personality go, i want to be her). the reason i thought of her during the talk is because she is one of the kindest people (fictional or not) that i've every seen. don't get me wrong, she can kick your trash and she doesn't really hesitate to kill people if they are trying to kill her, but she is generally very kind to everyone, even if they aren't being particularly kind to her. she is strong, brave, meek, sincere, independent, happy, friendly, versatile, and loving (as long as you're not trying to kill her or someone she loves). anyway, this probably doesn't make much sense to anyone reading this but it doesn't have to. i'm just kind of writing because it's on my mind and i haven't written in a while. we'll move on to the second thought because it's the more significant one.<br />
<br />
2) the reason i thought of the Weasel during a talk about kindness isn't because he was particularly kind, though he was when he wanted to be; it's because the title i gave him all those years ago is an unkind one. over the years i have worked very hard to forgive him and repair the damage he caused inside of me and the wreck i let him make of my life. i don't hate him, i never really hated him. he abused my kindness and generosity and he is a big part of the reason i am not as kind and generous as i once was. but what i realized today is that i can never truly forgive and be free of the trouble he caused until i stop calling him such an unkind name. he is the only person to whom i've ever given an unkind nickname (as far as i can think of anyway), and no matter what he did to me, i should be the kinder person and stop holding it all against him. there was a time when he was one of my dearest friends and a man i loved with too much of my silly little heart. from now on i'll try to remember the better things and the good times we had and let go of the rest. i still don't like his real name, though, and since i don't know what else to call him, i'll try to just not write or talk...or even think about him at all. he's been out of my life for nearly 6 years now, it's about time i finish forgiving and forgetting.<br />
<br />
my quest for the week then (and longer, really, but i thought a week seemed like a doable goal; i prefer to take life a day or week at a time, less overwhelming that way) is to focus on being more kind to those around me and also to myself. i'll also try harder to notice the kindnesses i receive from others.<br />
<br />
p.s. sorry this isn't particularly well written or coherent, my brain is sleeping and a little mushy, but i wanted to say something about what i learned about kindness before it slipped away entirely. thanks for reading! :)fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-43496057816848744562013-09-01T19:31:00.002-06:002013-09-01T19:31:46.603-06:00the me you seesometimes i forget. i'm with me all the time and so i know myself, my intentions, my humor, my intelligence, my dark and my light. i'm afraid the brief contact you have with me over facebook or my blog paints me as a rather dismal and depressed person...and on one hand i am...on the other hand i am the opposite (not in a bipolar way though, i promise).<br />
<br />
i guess i forget how i may be perceived. i get so little response to anything that i figure people are just ignoring me. the reason this is what you see of me is because it's my writing and my writing began as a sort of coping mechanism. i've been pretty lonely and isolated a lot of my life because i'm shy and a little different than most and often misunderstood (partly because of the depression, partly because my personality, sense of humor, dreams, goals and desires would have fit better in an earlier time period and therefore, i have never really fit in with the majority of my contemporaries). in high school, writing became my outlet and my companionship. The Page always understands me, always listens, and is always interested in and supportive of everything i give to it. since very few people ever comment on things i say here or on facebook, i tend to forget that anyone might be reading. sometimes i come to these places with the vague hope that somehow my weak and admittedly rather passive-aggressive attempts to request support, validation, kindness, friendship, or sympathetic contact will be well answered. most of the time it does not turn out that way. i am generally left alone. i suppose i should be used to it by now. i've never really had a mentor or someone who took notice and reached out to pull me from myself. i have so much to give but no one wants it. especially now. all my friends have moved on to their own families, their husband or wife and children. there's no room for solitary me. this is just one more circumstance that widens the chasm between me and the rest of the world. <br />
<br />
i am grateful for the few who make an effort to keep contact, invite me around or come when i ask. Bestest Friend, Shygirl and i try to get together a couple times a month...it's nowhere near enough contact for me, but i'm grateful for what they are able to give. The Artist and his dear, sweet wife still come around a couple times a month. i want to hang out with others of my married friends but i don't want to step on toes or get in the way of their domestic responsibilities. i don't want to be alone anymore and i don't understand why i have to be.<br />
<br />
i've signed up for online dating again. it's no use. all i get are skanky old men (seriously, 60 and 70 year olds) sending me flirts or saying my picture is pretty. what am i going to do with a geriatric? no thanks. i guess i'm not phenomenal or the most beautiful or successful or whatever but i am kind of a catch and i don't understand why the nice and good men can't see that. <br />
<br />
recently i've been a little caught up in nostalgia the last few days. kind of a longing for the past and a great desire to go back about 10 years and change some of the decisions i made then. i want to soak up more of the affection that so freely flowed through the institute back then. i miss those dear people. i miss walking into the room and hearing a chorus of people so happy to see me, and all the arms outstretched and eager to embrace me. i miss having something to do every day that involved at least a few, if not a whole group of people. i miss the weasel before he was a weasel. i miss game nights and mini road trips. i miss movies and conversations and frisbee and Leatherby's or Village Inn or Dee's. i miss dances and parties and just hanging out at the institute. i miss the hope and contentment. i miss all the single people who were so similar to myself. i really miss the hugs.<br />
<br />
can i go back in time for just a couple of days to revive my hope and refill my reservoir? i don't remember the last time i had a really good hug or a satisfying conversation. i'm so tired all the time because my reserve is empty. i need more fillers and fewer drains in my life but i don't know where to find them. i enjoy my job and i'm generally in a happy place when i'm there. i love hanging out with my niece and nephews. i love the time i do get to spend with friends. i wish i had more time with the people i adore. i wish i could catch up with everyone else so i could stop being left out all the time. or i wish i could find that amazing job or the best-selling book idea and become rich, then i'd just buy more friends...ok, maybe not.<br />
<br />
anyway, the point behind this silly tangent is that i'm more than what you see here and i'll try to be more positive and post more positive things instead of just writing as an outlet. invite me around and you'll see i'm really quite delightful in person.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-74865258712687596882013-08-23T23:31:00.000-06:002013-08-23T23:31:13.987-06:00where's the lightit shouldn't be this hard. this isn't the way it should be at all. i can 't figure out how to change it. every attempt i've made in the last 10 years to make things better, to get me closer to who and what and where i want to be has only pushed me down and held me back. i was supposed to be aware of making good decisions...they seemed right at the time but now it seems like every decision i've ever made has been wrong. i'm so tired of living the wrong life, of being the wrong person. it's like i'm stuck in a nightmare where i'm trapped in someone else's body and life. how do i get out? how do i find myself and my life? i just can't do this much longer. i just don't know what to do.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-56279718250507425692013-08-21T00:24:00.000-06:002013-08-21T00:24:01.501-06:00Humpty Dumptyanother restless night, it seems. exhaustion has brought on a torrent of tears and dread of morning. too many thoughts and feelings tonight. avoidance has only enhanced their affect. relating a bit too much to Humpty Dumpty...the shattered and hopeless...fallen...but where are the men and horses with super glue offering to pick up the pieces?<br />
<br />
someone to talk to might help. someone's shoulder to soak up the tears might help more. but it's just after midnight and there isn't anyone. not that there's much of anyone any other time of day, but in the hustle and bustle light it's easier to find avoidance in distraction.<br />
<br />
this probably shouldn't settle here but it feels like that old void of deafness these days...no one listening...no one seeing...<br />
<br />
it doesn't matter. <i>I</i> don't matter. if i were better, prettier, thinner, kinder, more generous or brave or strong...maybe then...but "if" doesn't mean anything...it isn't what is. what is...is...not much...disappointing...aloneness.<br />
<br />
i'm just so tired of this. no wonder my words are forgotten, avoided, ignored...everyone else is tired of it too. i wish i could forget and turn away so easily. i wish i wasn't stuck with myself...especially on sleepless nights.<br />
<br />
well, there you are dear wretched void, i'll leave you to it now. swallow my heartbreak, my tears, my discouragement...leave me void and numb again. <br />
<br />
i'm sure it'll be better tomorrow.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-16396209583068906212013-08-10T22:54:00.002-06:002013-08-10T22:54:41.253-06:00don't worry, be happythe night before last i had a dream that really upset me. it was one of those really vivid dreams that sort of linger after you've awakened. in the dream a friend and i had a conversation in which he made a decision to stop being friends with me simply because he thought my kindness meant i was in love with him. i'll admit, recently i have had some thoughts about this friend, wondering if something more could come of our friendship...mainly because he's the only kind man i have around with any sort of regularity these days. he is not interested in me that way though, so i have abandoned those thoughts. friendship is much more important to me than...well, pretty much anything else. i don't want to lose anymore friendships because of suspected "feelings" or "desires" or "expectations" toward romantic intentions. the dream and lingering emotions inspired by it caused a deep sadness to enshroud me yesterday. a deep depression threatened to completely overcome my every sensibility. thankfully i have Bestest Friend and some other great influences in my life. they reminded me that no matter who loves me or leaves me, i'm not alone. <br />
<br />
i need to get out and make some new friends. i really need to change my perspective on the "friendship" concept because i'm tired of hurting over "lost friends". i just want to hold on to people and be able to see them and spend time with them whenever i want and i severely dislike when things change and i'm not allowed easy access to people i love. it's even harder when it's because they've stopped wanting me in their lives. i'm really trying to let go. it's not working at the moment because i'm feeling so entirely disconnected. all i do is work these days, with new people i haven't quite connected with and it's taking a bit of a toll. i need a good conversation, some true quality time, and perhaps a bit of tenderness. for now i'll just have to make due until something better comes along. i just hope it comes soon.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-1013204805465166652013-07-31T21:28:00.000-06:002013-07-31T21:28:29.828-06:00when words like rivers flowrecently i've been avoiding words and writing. i haven't wanted to write from the emotions surrounding and permeating me so i just haven't written much. i didn't want another sad or longing poem, another shattered or bitter or angst-ridden poem. i'm tired of writing that. i wanted hope and peace and love and forward motion. until last night i couldn't find any of that.<br />
<br />
i've been struggling with the way things ended...and didn't end, with Photo. he was sort of the culmination of all the relationships i've had and i'm so tired of holding on to all of that. i'm done thinking about the past. i'm done being captivated by the past. i'm done allowing my former relationships to dictate my future. what is past is gone and done. in some ways it has made me who i am (for better and for worse) but i'm done allowing the bad parts to continue tinging my future with negative energy. i went to the temple today and while waiting for my turn i read in <i>The Book of Mormon</i>, 3 Nephi 12:46-47 "Therefore those things which were of old time, which were under the law, in me are all fulfilled. Old things are done away, and all things have become new." i'm starting new. i'm giving it all to Him and i'm starting fresh from here. i'm grateful for the Atonement which allows me to become new when i make that decision. i don't know what took me so long but i'm glad i'm finally connecting the dots and moving forward. <br />
<br />
Photo hasn't been around much recently and it has been a source of anxiety, not because i want him around or gone, simply because his half existence in my life left me teetering and uncertain of what to think or feel. finally something in me could feel the end coming and i began to grieve before i realized what i was doing. the last week was the quickest i've ever
worked through the grieving process. it started last wednesday with a
little bit of denial, moved quickly to anger (spending most of my time
there), then bargaining and depression, finally ending in acceptance through poetry and an email written on
tuesday and wednesday nights. tuesday i wrote the following poem (it's not the best, but it sort of sums up some of my feelings):<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>broken hearts</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i volunteered to break my heart</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>so yours could heal</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>what's the necessity of something</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>for something for nothing?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i thought it was more tenacious</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>after all, don't they say what's broken</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>grows back stronger? </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and God knows</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>my heart should be steel by now.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i let you in too deep.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>knowing from the start </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>it wouldn't last, never </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>expecting the end to be</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>so abrupt, so careless, so senseless.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i wasn't done loving you better.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>your beginning, so intense, wanting</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>all of me too soon, too much</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i should have known how the</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>fastest, hottest flames burn out</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>too effortlessly.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>now i'm still trying to extricate you from</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>my raw, too feeling heart.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and you've not only cast me out</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>like i never existed in your heart</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>you've grasped a new hope</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>in both hands, habitually swiftly</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>but this time...i won't be there to</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>break myself for your pieces again.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
last night Will and i went to a coffee shop called Alchemy to perform
for their open mic night. he's good at getting up in front of people,
playing his music and singing his songs. i've read my poetry in front
of people only a few times and it was always in classes or among my
writing peers so i was pretty nervous. i didn't take any
poems with me because it was a busy day and i didn't have a chance to
grab anything before i left the house. i need to start carrying some
around in my car or something i guess. when we got there and the list was
almost full i hoped they wouldn't have time for me. i was last and wanted to chicken out. but Will wouldn't let me; he
has been the greatest encouragement for my poetry and he insisted i read something. so i
wrote a poem while i sat there with him, listening to everyone else. this is the poem i wrote and read. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>write you away</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>can i write you away?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>send you from me in letters</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>addressed to no one and nowhere.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>see you fade in words and</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>sentences on old parchment.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>can i write you away?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>describe your every detail</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>with such precision depiction</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>forms you into a page i can</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>tear in tiny pieces and blow</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>you into the surge, away.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>can i write you away?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and with your face and hands</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and over-strong arms can i</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>send all the cracks my heart</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>has collected, not only yours</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>can i write you away?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>with every unforgiven stain still</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>tainting my should-be flawless</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>composition; erase to make room</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i thought space lacked margins</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>but new words won't come until </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i can write you away</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
actually, i kind of wrote one and a half poems last night because we wrote one
together too.<br />
<br />
<i>every other line, his and mine </i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>a hundred miles in space</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>isn't all that far away</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>but when my dog has gone grey</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>and the stars drop from their place</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>it's enough to break my heart</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>running away isn't easy as you think</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>your baggage always seems to grow</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>rivers and rocks reveal pond scum</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>and your friends have gone home</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>no heart wants to run away alone</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>we're closer to understanding cold fusion</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>the cold has fused my hand in yours</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>though your heart has died to free you</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>you'll never reach that universal shore</i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>so i'll stay and give you heart more</i></div>
<br />
i feel like it might need another stanza or some general tweaking, but it's interesting. i'm so grateful for Will and for the timing of last night. he has the most amazing influence on my creativity. he knows me and loves me and accepts me as i am. he has always been direct and honest with me, so he is the one man i completely trust. he encourages me to pursue my writing and he has become the standard of a good man in my life. i realized today that until i find another man who makes me think and feel the way Will does i won't be placing my heart in anyone elses's hands. that is the test for my future relationships. if he doesn't permeate my whole being with goodness, he's not the one for me.<br />
<br />
i'm grateful for words. i'm grateful for lessons learned and for the constant opportunity to change the way i see the world and to move forward in a better direction. i'm grateful for Photo because from him i learned to be cautious, give information slowly and sparingly until trust has been earned and proven, and to let go when it's over. all my life i have wanted to hold tight to any person who comes within my sphere of existence. if i let them into my heart i don't want them to ever leave. i almost never walk away from people i care about, but it's time i start letting go when they do. now i'm free to write what i want to write, to pursue hope and peace and, with any luck, finally find the love of my life. if not in body, perhaps at least in word.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-84042984425297988712013-07-28T01:24:00.001-06:002013-07-28T01:24:30.874-06:00they DO exist!i hung out with The Artist and D-Ham last night and tonight and i'm feeling much better about life. what dear, kind, wonderful men they are. the more i get to know D-Ham, the more i see what a decent man he is. i sometimes feel that care and protection when i'm with him, i feel safe and accepted. it's the same with The Artist and Will. i know i'm in good hands when i'm with them. i can be myself, whatever my true self is in that moment and i know they'll still like me and want to be with me. they are the very few men i actually do trust. i'm grateful for them this week because my faith in the goodness and reliability of man has taken a severe beating. i'm not grouchy anymore.<br />
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i'm sad that things couldn't have gone very differently with the other guy i've written about this week. he just makes me feel depressed, irritated, agitated, and stressed. i guess that's my intuition telling me to let go. i made a mistake and i really hope i can avoid making the same mistake again. the answer is not to cut out all men from my life, it's to be more selective and really listen to my intuition. if i'm irritated, depressed, or in any way feel distressed about him, i need to just walk away, be it friendship or more. it felt ok for a while, then it went very wrong and i should have let go sooner. i'm not good at walking away from people i care about. i will always care. but he clearly doesn't care about me so i'm walking away.<br />
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ok, enough. i've gone over this enough. i look forward to seeing Will this week sometime. and, he's convinced me to read some poetry at an open mic night in a couple weeks. i need a new poem or two. maybe after hanging out with him this week i'll be inspired. he is the greatest creative influence i've ever experienced in my life and i've missed him.<br />
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things are getting better. i'm stripping my life of the influences that bring me down and i'm trying to find more that lift me up. i have great friends and ample opportunities. i even have a couple days off this coming week so i'll be able to finish decompressing and actually do some of the things i haven't had time for recently. i'm gonna be ok.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-25056751785185315432013-07-27T18:21:00.003-06:002013-07-27T18:21:52.221-06:00we regret to inform you<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">ok, i vented, and that was probably the wrong thing to do. what i really want is a conversation. i don't want to be angry or hurt, i want to be mature and communicative and kind. i want a little time to acclimate to the way things are now. he won't give me a conversation. he won't give me time. he won't give me courtesy. he won't give me anything except a text or two once in a while and it's not enough for a legitimate friendship, not after what we've been through...i deserve more than that. but it seems i won't be getting anything more than a text now and then with empty promises and vague half-commitments. i don't want texts like that. silence is better than that kind of disappointment. i don’t know if he thinks he’s doing me a favor by texting this way or if he legitimately thinks this constitutes a friendship, but i can’t have an almost-friendship like this. it hurts and depresses me when he says he’s coming around and then bales at the last minute. it hurts even more when he says we should get together soon because it’s been too long, like i’m the one who is always unavailable. i have been supportive and inviting and patient. i’ve tried to be forgiving. every time i get a text from him my heart aches because i can't help but hope he is going to live up to his word and decide to be a friend, but almost every time he has some excuse to not be there. i wish him luck and happiness, and if he would stop saying he's coming around i'd be fine with minimal communication through text or email. if he would decide to make the time to come when he says he's going to, that would be fine too. but this wishy-washy might-maybe-may is just intolerable. make a decision. if you're coming, say you're coming and come. if you're not coming or not sure, don't say you might, just don't say anything. that way it's a pleasant surprise if you show up, but no disappointment if you don't. the way things are now he is inconsiderate and unreliable and i don't need people like that in my life. i don't know if he reads my blog. maybe i should just email this to him and say, this is how i feel, please be kind. i don't know. i never really know what to do when people won't listen and understand and communicate effectively. i do know it needs to change.</span><br />
fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-37081167641340086772013-07-26T10:02:00.000-06:002013-07-26T10:02:41.941-06:00forgiveness & gratitudethey say that's the solution. i must be making it more difficult than it needs to be, i usually do. it just sounds so simple...just forgive and forget. focus on the positive. it sounds simple but it isn't. i've been seeking to make forgiveness an instinctive part of me for half a lifetime and i'm still so lost. i'm going crazy with ache and holding on. i'm going crazy with fear and doubt, distrust. i want to believe that people are generally good, that love is possible and real, not just a fairy tale. i want to believe friendship is not fleeting, and family is more than blood. i don't want the knot in my chest, the panic and pain. i want peace, love, freedom. i don't know how. i don't know how.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8066320383247163833.post-64348974833838880692013-07-25T01:38:00.001-06:002013-07-25T01:38:49.007-06:00every rose has its thorns<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;">♫ </span>when the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong... <span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px;">♫</span><br />
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i'm there. again. i don't understand. i give love but all i get in return is a slap in the face and tossed carelessly aside. i'm worth nothing more than that. i'm weak and luckless. all that loving brings to me is heartache and loss. it's as though i never existed, he's forgotten me completely, they all have. once the need is filled, the crack repaired, the itch scratched, i'm pushed away and forgotten. i wish i could be so unfeeling, so discarding. well, ok, i'm beat. i give up. the only sure fire way to avoid being mistreated again is to never let anyone in again. i'm tired of hurting because i care about careless people. i'm tired of the thornes, the roses aren't worth it.fantastic funkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10943510765072634780noreply@blogger.com0