Dear Mr. Music,
I was tired today; tired of thinking about recent past, wishing only for the future. Thank you for invading my thoughts and providing a suitable distraction and hope. Your smile makes me giddy, especially when you gaze directly in my eyes. When you stand close to me, my heart flutters and it's difficult to breath...in the most delightful way.
It's been so long since I felt that way.
The affect that you have on my spirits, my senses, my intellect gives me a rush of encouragement. I'm feeling inspired. My creativity is reviving; my imagination bursting to life. Although it was only in my mind, the date we shared today was one of the best of my life. Perhaps one day it'll become reality. I think I'll keep thinking of you for a while...it helps to pretend we are more than we are.
Maybe nothing will ever come of you and I beyond singing sessions and secret rendezvous in my stories, but it's more than enough for now. Perhaps it won't be you, but dreaming of you gives me hope and focus.
So Mr. Music, thank you for lingering. Thank you for lending me your confidence and enthusiasm for life. Thank you for teaching me to be less inhibited and more myself. Your shadow over me like a ghost, wrapping around me, keeping me safe and giving me courage enables fearlessness in me.
Good night, sweet Mr. Music. I wish you happy dreams...
05 January 2010
People!
I am on the Frontrunner on my way to school for my second day of the semester. Yesterday was good but a little overwhelming. I'm going to be reading A LOT and writing A LOT this semester. I have 15 credit hours, that's 5 classes...I've only taken this many once before but one class was a dance class and another was with a teacher who adored me (yeah, she announced to the class on the first day that I was her favorite student...). This semester my classes are not so easy. They are going to be a lot of work and will require a great deal of attention and focus. I think I'm up for the challenge, but I'm a little nervous. I'm praying for confidence and courage.
There are a few familiar faces in two of my classes thus far, no real friends yet but at least it's a start. I ride the morning train with my sister-in-law; it's always nice to have a travel buddy and I can't think of a better one! It's good that we travel together in the morning because it gets me up and to the train on time.
After school yesterday I went to visit my sister. The Kid was in a mood and driving Bliss crazy. Baby slept most of the time I was there. Since my parents are out of town for the funeral today, Bliss invited me to stay for dinner...and go back today to go shopping with her and stay for dinner. I appreciate her kindness and it's nice to spend time with my family! I will need to get some homework done at some point though. I did too much putting it off last semester and I can't do that again. But people are what matters!
A friend in my ward sent me a text last night while I was reading Skippyjon Jones books to my nephew and asked if I was going to FHE. I said I wasn't sure and she said I had to go. So, since she wanted me there, I went. We went bowling and I lost terribly. I don't much care for bowling, I think it's the shoes and the fact that I can never find a ball that's light but has holes to fit my somewhat thick fingers. But, it was fun! I lost with grace and style. And besides, the reason I went was to be with people. The Artist came and life is always better with him around. A group of us went to Applebee's after. Since I haven't had a job in four months I am nearly completely broke at the moment so I didn't order anything but water but I was there for the people anyway. I had a lot of fun!
I need to make a point of going to FHE every week. I have been going for the most part but I need to make a committment to go. I need to be with people as much as possible so I can serve more and make more friends. The Man asked me to take an institute class with him this semester (The Artist is taking the same class), so that will get me out and meeting new people as well...at least it will get me out and being with people...
I've decided that I need to stop isolating myself and instead I need to keep myself actively involved with activities that include other people. We need each other to help us be strong. I love people! I can't say it enough: People are what matters!
There are a few familiar faces in two of my classes thus far, no real friends yet but at least it's a start. I ride the morning train with my sister-in-law; it's always nice to have a travel buddy and I can't think of a better one! It's good that we travel together in the morning because it gets me up and to the train on time.
After school yesterday I went to visit my sister. The Kid was in a mood and driving Bliss crazy. Baby slept most of the time I was there. Since my parents are out of town for the funeral today, Bliss invited me to stay for dinner...and go back today to go shopping with her and stay for dinner. I appreciate her kindness and it's nice to spend time with my family! I will need to get some homework done at some point though. I did too much putting it off last semester and I can't do that again. But people are what matters!
A friend in my ward sent me a text last night while I was reading Skippyjon Jones books to my nephew and asked if I was going to FHE. I said I wasn't sure and she said I had to go. So, since she wanted me there, I went. We went bowling and I lost terribly. I don't much care for bowling, I think it's the shoes and the fact that I can never find a ball that's light but has holes to fit my somewhat thick fingers. But, it was fun! I lost with grace and style. And besides, the reason I went was to be with people. The Artist came and life is always better with him around. A group of us went to Applebee's after. Since I haven't had a job in four months I am nearly completely broke at the moment so I didn't order anything but water but I was there for the people anyway. I had a lot of fun!
I need to make a point of going to FHE every week. I have been going for the most part but I need to make a committment to go. I need to be with people as much as possible so I can serve more and make more friends. The Man asked me to take an institute class with him this semester (The Artist is taking the same class), so that will get me out and meeting new people as well...at least it will get me out and being with people...
I've decided that I need to stop isolating myself and instead I need to keep myself actively involved with activities that include other people. We need each other to help us be strong. I love people! I can't say it enough: People are what matters!
03 January 2010
Hold Me
I didn't sleep well last night so I'm tired. I didn't eat. I cried in church today because I talked about my Gramma. I took my parents to the airport and cried on the way home because if I can't have her back I at least want to go to the funeral...but I can't go (because of school and the monetary expense).
All these add up to my head throbbing and my heart aching. Today was a difficult day.
A few years ago I had a bunch of really affectionate friends. There were days when I exchanged up to ten hugs from ten different people. I've always been a hugger and it's been a really long time since I had a really good hug. Andy, Jimmy, Scott, Jon, Robby, Eric, Jerry, Jason, Omar, and other friends were all really great at giving hugs. All taller, broader, and stronger than me; all kind and affectionate and caring...about me. They gave what I call cuddle-hugs: fully encompassing, cradling almost, and lingering.
I felt safe and comfortable...secure and not alone. It's been a while since I've seen any of them. It's been a long while since I've felt that loved, that safe, that protected. It's been a while since I've had a really good hug. Most days I'm okay with it. Most days I ignore the loneliness and put a smile on my face.
Even today, I cried a little but for the most part I smiled and I got through it. But I wanted so much to see one of those old friends, have him walk up to me and grab me in his arms and just hold me. I really need someone to just hold me. I'm not heavy, I'm not falling apart. I'm sad about my Gramma and I don't even have my best friend here to talk me through it, so I just want someone to hold me until some of the heartache eases, until some of the time passes and the good stuff starts to come.
But there isn't anyone. I have no one in my life who knows how to cuddle-hug. I have no one in my life who is affectionate and comfortable enough to just hold me.
It's ok though. I felt really low so I was curled up in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy (because that's how I cope) and I got a text message from The Man. We had a nice conversation. He asked me to take an institute class with him this semester. He needed a friend and thought of me. While we were texting, Smeagle chatted with me on Facebook and gave me a cyber-hug. A couple other friends chatted or text messaged. I don't have anyone to cuddle-hug me but I have friends to stand by me and help me through it. It's not the way I wanted to be comforted but it helped. I still have friends who care even if they don't show it in the way I want them to.
I'm grateful for The Man, Smeagle, Em, The Artist, and other friends and ward members who reached out in their way. I'm grateful for friends and strangers who are praying for my family and sending us their happy thoughts. Thank you :-)
All these add up to my head throbbing and my heart aching. Today was a difficult day.
A few years ago I had a bunch of really affectionate friends. There were days when I exchanged up to ten hugs from ten different people. I've always been a hugger and it's been a really long time since I had a really good hug. Andy, Jimmy, Scott, Jon, Robby, Eric, Jerry, Jason, Omar, and other friends were all really great at giving hugs. All taller, broader, and stronger than me; all kind and affectionate and caring...about me. They gave what I call cuddle-hugs: fully encompassing, cradling almost, and lingering.
I felt safe and comfortable...secure and not alone. It's been a while since I've seen any of them. It's been a long while since I've felt that loved, that safe, that protected. It's been a while since I've had a really good hug. Most days I'm okay with it. Most days I ignore the loneliness and put a smile on my face.
Even today, I cried a little but for the most part I smiled and I got through it. But I wanted so much to see one of those old friends, have him walk up to me and grab me in his arms and just hold me. I really need someone to just hold me. I'm not heavy, I'm not falling apart. I'm sad about my Gramma and I don't even have my best friend here to talk me through it, so I just want someone to hold me until some of the heartache eases, until some of the time passes and the good stuff starts to come.
But there isn't anyone. I have no one in my life who knows how to cuddle-hug. I have no one in my life who is affectionate and comfortable enough to just hold me.
It's ok though. I felt really low so I was curled up in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy (because that's how I cope) and I got a text message from The Man. We had a nice conversation. He asked me to take an institute class with him this semester. He needed a friend and thought of me. While we were texting, Smeagle chatted with me on Facebook and gave me a cyber-hug. A couple other friends chatted or text messaged. I don't have anyone to cuddle-hug me but I have friends to stand by me and help me through it. It's not the way I wanted to be comforted but it helped. I still have friends who care even if they don't show it in the way I want them to.
I'm grateful for The Man, Smeagle, Em, The Artist, and other friends and ward members who reached out in their way. I'm grateful for friends and strangers who are praying for my family and sending us their happy thoughts. Thank you :-)
02 January 2010
I ask the questions for reassurance
The answers are inside of me. I've read the books, I've taken the classes. I know the answers that are available. But I ask the questions anyway.
My heart is sad, my mind is afraid. What if what I believe isn't what is really true?
So I ask the questions I'm afraid to believe in so I can hear someone I try to trust tell me that what I know, what I believe, is what is real.
I know, but when life turns upside-down or makes an unexpected detour, I need reassurance.
There are times in our lives when we all need reassurance. We can make it through on our own because we know the answers are inside of us...but it's nice to have someone there, a friend, a family member, even a stranger (every now and then someone we consider an enemy), to remind us that we really do know, that we really can make it through.
Thank you for being that voice of comfort and reassurance for me. Thank you for letting me be that voice for you.
That's one reason why people are what matters...we need to be friends with everyone or we might miss the opportunity to be the answer to someone else's prayer.
I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for my three-year-old nephew who teaches me so much already. I'm thankful for opportunities to learn and grow and become better...even if the opportunities look more like savage attacks from unseen influences. ;-)
I'm better, I'm a better person for all the crap and pain I've endured. I'm stronger. I'm open. I'm ready to move forward.
My heart is sad, my mind is afraid. What if what I believe isn't what is really true?
So I ask the questions I'm afraid to believe in so I can hear someone I try to trust tell me that what I know, what I believe, is what is real.
I know, but when life turns upside-down or makes an unexpected detour, I need reassurance.
There are times in our lives when we all need reassurance. We can make it through on our own because we know the answers are inside of us...but it's nice to have someone there, a friend, a family member, even a stranger (every now and then someone we consider an enemy), to remind us that we really do know, that we really can make it through.
Thank you for being that voice of comfort and reassurance for me. Thank you for letting me be that voice for you.
That's one reason why people are what matters...we need to be friends with everyone or we might miss the opportunity to be the answer to someone else's prayer.
I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for my three-year-old nephew who teaches me so much already. I'm thankful for opportunities to learn and grow and become better...even if the opportunities look more like savage attacks from unseen influences. ;-)
I'm better, I'm a better person for all the crap and pain I've endured. I'm stronger. I'm open. I'm ready to move forward.
01 January 2010
2009 six feet under
It's 4:30 in the morning on New Year's Day and I haven't been to sleep...and I probably won't sleep.
2009 was wretched. I've mentioned that. It was a really difficult year; I've never been so relieved to see a year pass. It was brutal to the very last moment.
I woke up New Year's Eve morning more tired than when I went to bed. So I stayed in bed. I forced myself up around 11:30am and stright into a hot peppermint bath. It didn't help like I hoped so I spent the day curled in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy. Around 4:30pm I made myself get ready because I had plans with Shygirl and The Artist. They came over and by 7pm (after some chatting) we started season 3 of Heroes (thank you Target for the great deal!).
Toward the end of the third episode my dad asked to speak to me. He told me my Gramma had suffered a bleeding stroke and that she was in the hospital, unresponsive and hooked up to a ventalator (sp?). He said his older brother was flying from Florida to Ohio in the morning to assess the situation and to give the doctors permission to take her off the vent to see if she could breathe on her own. Shocked, I didn't know what to think or feel. My friends and I were planning to go to Froggie's house for her NYE party. We were already late and just waiting until the end of the episode to leave. So, we went.
After a while The Artist wasn't feeling well and Shygirl didn't want to be at the party anymore so we left. The Artist dropped us off at my house and went home to see if he could make himself feel better and meet up with us at a dance we had planned to go to. When we got inside the house my dad told me he'd talked with the hospital and his brother and the doctors said she was gone and there was no sense in waiting. My Gramma was dead.
I couldn't process it. I couldn't think about it. We went to the dance. I cried a little on the way but I made myself stop. My Gramma hated crying. She wouldn't have wanted me to change my plans on her account. She would have said there's no sense in sitting around moping over her.
When we got home from the dance The Artist came back over and we watched some more Heroes. I didn't want to be alone.
Now I'm alone. I can't sleep. All the heartache, the loss, the wretchedness of 2009 is too raw, too fresh. In a week I lost someone I thought would be my dear soul friend forever, and my Gramma. Bestest Friend is still on her cruise in Australia and I miss her more than ever right now. I am so grateful that Shygirl and The Artist and another friend were here with me tonight. I'm grateful for all my dear friends and I'm sorry I have been wishing for something else. You are wonderful and I am so very grateful I have you in my life. You are more than enough and I am so blessed.
I miss my Gramma. For a long time she and my Uncle were my favorite family members. She was spunky and stern but so giving, so caring. She centered her life around taking care of others. She never met a stranger, she adopted everyone as her own family. I always said she was too stubborn to die...I guess I was wrong. She was my babysitter when I was a kid. She picked me up from school so many times when I was sick or injured. She helped raise me for 11 years. She's come every Christmas except one since we moved to Utah (15 years). She was here for the weddings of both my sister and brother...and now she won't get the chance to see me (if I ever get married). She won't know my kids. I should have spent more time with her when she was here last week. I should have stayed home with her instead of going to a movie with my friends the night everyone else when to the Jazz game. I should have listened to her, even if she did tell the same five stories over and over. Now I'll never hear her voice again.
She was my last grandparent. Now what do I do?
All I have to say is that there better be some really incredible blessings coming my way in 2010. I can't take another year like the last. It was too much. Way too much. I did my best and I survived. I let go of the bitterness and anger and I forgave those who have hurt me...even the more recent hurts: I hold no anger or bitterness toward my dearest Bobpi though his betrayal cuts me to the core. I'm only sad. And now, my heart isn't strong enough for any more.
Dear 2010, please, let me rest in your embrace. Please build me up and give me love instead of taking it all away. I've shed more tears this year than I can ever remember before. I could have floated away and now they still spill from my tired eyes.
I'm so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of hurting.
I'm just so tired...
Goodbye 2009 I'm so relieved to see you go.
Goodbye dear Bobpi, I wish you had listened; I wish you had understood; I wish you had loved me truer because I would grately appreciate your friendship right now; I wish you wanted to be my friend (for that is all I ever want from you again); I wish you love, happiness and success throughout your life.
Goodbye Dearest Gamma. I love you; I miss you...
2009 was wretched. I've mentioned that. It was a really difficult year; I've never been so relieved to see a year pass. It was brutal to the very last moment.
I woke up New Year's Eve morning more tired than when I went to bed. So I stayed in bed. I forced myself up around 11:30am and stright into a hot peppermint bath. It didn't help like I hoped so I spent the day curled in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy. Around 4:30pm I made myself get ready because I had plans with Shygirl and The Artist. They came over and by 7pm (after some chatting) we started season 3 of Heroes (thank you Target for the great deal!).
Toward the end of the third episode my dad asked to speak to me. He told me my Gramma had suffered a bleeding stroke and that she was in the hospital, unresponsive and hooked up to a ventalator (sp?). He said his older brother was flying from Florida to Ohio in the morning to assess the situation and to give the doctors permission to take her off the vent to see if she could breathe on her own. Shocked, I didn't know what to think or feel. My friends and I were planning to go to Froggie's house for her NYE party. We were already late and just waiting until the end of the episode to leave. So, we went.
After a while The Artist wasn't feeling well and Shygirl didn't want to be at the party anymore so we left. The Artist dropped us off at my house and went home to see if he could make himself feel better and meet up with us at a dance we had planned to go to. When we got inside the house my dad told me he'd talked with the hospital and his brother and the doctors said she was gone and there was no sense in waiting. My Gramma was dead.
I couldn't process it. I couldn't think about it. We went to the dance. I cried a little on the way but I made myself stop. My Gramma hated crying. She wouldn't have wanted me to change my plans on her account. She would have said there's no sense in sitting around moping over her.
When we got home from the dance The Artist came back over and we watched some more Heroes. I didn't want to be alone.
Now I'm alone. I can't sleep. All the heartache, the loss, the wretchedness of 2009 is too raw, too fresh. In a week I lost someone I thought would be my dear soul friend forever, and my Gramma. Bestest Friend is still on her cruise in Australia and I miss her more than ever right now. I am so grateful that Shygirl and The Artist and another friend were here with me tonight. I'm grateful for all my dear friends and I'm sorry I have been wishing for something else. You are wonderful and I am so very grateful I have you in my life. You are more than enough and I am so blessed.
I miss my Gramma. For a long time she and my Uncle were my favorite family members. She was spunky and stern but so giving, so caring. She centered her life around taking care of others. She never met a stranger, she adopted everyone as her own family. I always said she was too stubborn to die...I guess I was wrong. She was my babysitter when I was a kid. She picked me up from school so many times when I was sick or injured. She helped raise me for 11 years. She's come every Christmas except one since we moved to Utah (15 years). She was here for the weddings of both my sister and brother...and now she won't get the chance to see me (if I ever get married). She won't know my kids. I should have spent more time with her when she was here last week. I should have stayed home with her instead of going to a movie with my friends the night everyone else when to the Jazz game. I should have listened to her, even if she did tell the same five stories over and over. Now I'll never hear her voice again.
She was my last grandparent. Now what do I do?
All I have to say is that there better be some really incredible blessings coming my way in 2010. I can't take another year like the last. It was too much. Way too much. I did my best and I survived. I let go of the bitterness and anger and I forgave those who have hurt me...even the more recent hurts: I hold no anger or bitterness toward my dearest Bobpi though his betrayal cuts me to the core. I'm only sad. And now, my heart isn't strong enough for any more.
Dear 2010, please, let me rest in your embrace. Please build me up and give me love instead of taking it all away. I've shed more tears this year than I can ever remember before. I could have floated away and now they still spill from my tired eyes.
I'm so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of hurting.
I'm just so tired...
Goodbye 2009 I'm so relieved to see you go.
Goodbye dear Bobpi, I wish you had listened; I wish you had understood; I wish you had loved me truer because I would grately appreciate your friendship right now; I wish you wanted to be my friend (for that is all I ever want from you again); I wish you love, happiness and success throughout your life.
Goodbye Dearest Gamma. I love you; I miss you...
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