Blue Moon you saw me standing alone...

La lalalala la la-la *Sigh*

It's not time. It's okay that it's not time.

A roommate once said to me, "Don't worry about it. One of these days you'll open the door and he'll be standing on your doorstep with roses and Michael Buble'." I've been given roses (many, many roses) but I'm still waiting for Michael. *sigh*

It's not the specifics of roses and delicious musician, it's the sentiment. I don't need roses, I don't need expensive concert tickets (although, if you're choosing between concert tickets and pretty much anything else, go with the music!) I want someone to dance with, someone to sing with, someone to laugh with...someone to live and love with...

My theme song right now is Michael Buble's Just Haven't Met You Yet. I crank up the radio whenever it comes on and I splurged to buy the CD so I can listen to it whenever I need a boost. Basically it's my "don't give up, don't get bitter or cynical, just hold on a little longer...he's out there, you just haven't met him yet" pick me up kinda song. I think about those broken hearts in my past and realize (from the other side) that I would be miserable had I ended up with any of them. None of them could dance, not a one! I need dancing in my life. A couple could sing and one could play the guitar pretty well, but a girl can only listen for so long. I hear music and I can't sit still or keep quiet. Nothing makes me happier than dancing and singing.

Whoever came up with speed dating was an idiot. In Utah especially, people have enough speed in their dating as it is, why do we have to encourage it with two hours of organized 3 minute each "dates"? It's completely absurd. There's no way to judge a person's character or really get any idea of the person at all in three minutes of "conversation" in a crowded, noisy room. I was asked by at least 6 different guys tonight where I'm from. How does that tell you anything about me? The next question "what do you do?" is better because you can make some assessment as to motivation or direction, but it's still basic and vague. I tried to be the one to start the conversation so I could keep it away from the normal bland questions, but most of the time it didn't work. Two hours is too long for this sort of thing. We got there an hour into it and most of the people were so bored and cynical they weren't even very good company.
It's one of those strange social rituals I will try in the future to avoid. I've given it a fair chance (tonight was the third strike) and now I don't have to do it again.

One of the guys asked what I like to do. I said a few things and then added, I'll try anything at least once, I like trying new things. He asked what I've tried once and vowed never to try again. I said Sushi...I couldn't think of anything else. Well, I thought of something: SPEED DATING!!! Why must we rush such a life altering and defining event as mate selection? You're pretty much stuck with this person for the rest of eternity, so shouldn't you make sure they are someone you really want to be with for that long? See them in all seasons and various circumstance...drop your guard, let them in to a piece of you and make sure they are someone you want to be open and honest with...someone you can really trust and respect. A lot of people seem trustworthy, even after you've known them for a while...then one day they reveal their true face and it's nothing at all to respect. Makes me sad.

Well, I guess we know why I'm still single... *sigh* But he's out there somewhere. One of these days he'll dance into my life with a sterling rose and concert tickets. He'll change my point of view and we'll be married in three months. Ha! That would be classic.

Until then, I'm content with my friends. They are rather marvelous, after all! Besides family, there's nothing of greater value than good friends. Because, after all, people are what matters! There's even one friend who dances with the nearly the same blissfully reckless abandon as I do...and as an unexpected bonus, he knows about cars! (A secret necessity in my future husband...I've always wanted to marry someone who really knows cars, since car trouble is my greatest fear).

ah lalala...silly me ;-)

Nothing really to say...

I've started four or five posts in the last few days but haven't posted any of them. This week hasn't been the best. It's been cold and gloomy and I've been tired and glum. Mostly I was complaining and whining and I don't want to send that sort of vibe out into the Void. It's not poetic weeping or lyrical lamentation so there's really nothing good in it.

Today is better. The sunshine is bright and the air is a little warmer. I went to the store to get some sharp cheddar and body wash and ended up buying Michael Buble's newest CD, Crazy Love so I'm listening to it now. It makes me happy! Good music almost always makes me happy. Tomorrow is Friday and that makes me happy too. I have plans with The Artist and some other friends for this weekend and generally life is good! I started a poem...I don't know if it will go anywhere but every beginning is encouraging at this point! I'm content :-)

Phenominal Friends make all the difference

This week I've been in somewhat of a coping moment. I've been running, keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think. Yesterday morning I didn't have anything to do so the dam burst (enhanced by the dream I had the night before) and all the thoughts I've been keeping at bay flooded through. When I'm not alone I do a good job of hiding what's inside but when I have a few moments to myself, my brain kicks into gear and the tears track my cheeks.

Today I looked good! I bought a sweet red top and wore my cream skirt with the flower patterns, very spring/Valentines-ish. Mr. Music was sick so my hopes of salvaging "singles awareness day" seemed to be crushed but then something brilliant happened! The guys in my ward came in at the end of Relief Society and gave each girl a rose! So, even though I don't have a Valentine this year, I didn't miss out on all the sweetness.

A single rose always means more to me than a bouquet. I don't know why...I think it feels more poetic (not to mention it's less expensive). A rose clipped from a rosebush is perfect! I'm not a big fan of red roses. The rose I was given today is white with pink edges. It's my second favorite flower. Sterling Roses are my favorite!

After church we had a mingle with candy and heart-shaped cookies. I'm getting to know so many people in the ward and I currently have a lot of friends...I'm part of a group again and it is so delightful! They brighten my life and make it easier to forget my troubles and just be happy. They are a great source of distraction and comfort. We stayed for a couple hours after church and just talked and laughed a lot.

After being home for a few hours I started feeling a little down (I had time to think again). I turned on some particular episodes of Grey's Anatomy because I knew they would bring the tears I ached to cry. I didn't wallow for too long, just long enough to relieve some of the pressure that's been building up in my chest.

Right around 8pm I got a text from "The Mexican" (it's what he calls himself and likes us to call him so don't think I'm racist). He made me smile! We met up at ward prayer and he made me smile more. I had a great time talking with various members in my ward. I mostly talked with the girls. They sort of flocked around me at one point. I was sitting on one of the cushy couches with one girl beside me and four others around me on the floor. One of the guys asked if it was story time (it looked that way).

After ward prayer a group of us went back to my house and watched Michael Jackson music videos. I have always loved Michael Jackson's music and dancing (most of it). The Mexican and The Artist were the guys and then there were three other girls besides me. Nice, fun little assembly. The Mexican had given two of the girls a ride over so when it was over he was to take them back to their cars at the institute a block or so away. He asked if I wanted to go along so I could ride in his car and listen to some Michael Buble'...and to hear him sing along. I went and it was nice to have a moment alone with him. I don't know him incredibly well but we've become friendly over the last couple of weeks. He's an interesting fellow and he makes me smile.

I'm becoming disenchanted with Mr. Music...his lack of overt interest is somewhat discouraging so I am putting him on the back burner for now. Maybe The Mexican can serve my soul a little better for now. He's fun and said he dances in supermarkets so we get along rather well. He went dancing with us on Friday and he can boogie with the best of us! Quite a delightful friend.

My friends mean more to me than almost anything. People are what matter. People are what make life worthwhile and friends are the ones who keep you afloat when the waters are rising and you lose your strength to swim. Various friends have gotten me through all my most difficult moments in life. When I couldn't trust or count on family members, my friends were what kept me going. Thanks to those of you who have been a friend and stood by me. I appreciate your kindness and love and I am so grateful for your influence in my life.

things that added to my joy today

Commuting with my dear little sister (I'm dropping the "in-law" part because I would claim her with or without the law forcing me to!) ;-)

Texting with Em

Salt Lake Temple

Green turn arrows

Driving

Studying Jane Eyre in Victorian Lit class

Communication Principles with Mr. Box

The Spirit

State Tax Return

GREEK for dinner! (it's been a while)

Heroes (on Demand)

Books

Mr. Music

Junior Mints

Compilation CD of songs from various musicals

Moments of peace

Friends

life is a highway i wanna ride it all night long

My brain has been on stand-by. I've been half asleep all week. The bane of my existance is my grammar class. Last night I went dancing and sang karaoke for the first time in my life...and loved it! I'm not writing. Something is still disjointed, something is still not connecting right. I have a job interview tomorrow. My tax return is coming. He's the one I want...but only in my mind because my heart (despite all efforts to convince her otherwise) is afraid of trying to love again in reality. My current joys in life are singing and reading Victorian novels. Girl friends and The Artist are my social life (I'm grateful that I have a social life!) I might fail half my classes this semester. God has my back when it comes to paying my bills. I'm taking the challenge of extreme friendliness seriously...and it's led to another first date. Living in the moment, moment to moment, is all I can do with my life because every endeavour I have ever made has been thwarted and turned in an unexpected way. Family and friends are more important to me than anything else. I have spurts of self-assurance but I'm still not consistently confident in who I am...which is probably why I'm not writing. Life is good, particularly when I can avoid thinking about what I can't control and focus on enjoying the revival of my social life. This phase of life is not my favorite but it's better than the last.