bitter much?

Boys are stupid
Some girls are too
I think it's time
to be a hermit
for just a while

Maybe I'll have
an Alias marathon
and come back out
feeling much better
about the world

Maybe I'll watch it
in Spanish so I can
justify it as homework.
Right now I'm listening
to Savage Garden.

I really am trying to
rid myself of bitterness
toward men, but they
just make it so easy
to despise them.

They really don't
encourage much faith.
They're all a bunch of
blind and heartless,
self-centered jerkfaces.

I'm just sayin'

All I want is to be
loved and accepted,
wanted and needed
by someone I see as
an equal in most ways

Is that really asking too much?

The scriptures do say
that in the Latter-Days
the hearts of men will
fail them...well, their
hearts are failing me too

I deserve better than this.

But life is not fair and
so much of the time
those who deserve,
do not receive, and those
who do not deserve, do

It's just the way of things.
So I'll stop whining and
go do some homework
or watch some Alias in
Spanish, or something.
(this isn't really a poem, I just felt like breaking the lines)

It's All In The Attitude

Today is a lot better than I thought it would be. Last night we had a Relief Society activity where we listened to the Utah Dating Coach talk about flirting technique. I used to be a fantastic flirter! In the last couple of years, however, I have been suppressing that side of me, for fear of attracting, yet again, the wrong guys. I used to flirt with every guy, you know, for fun and practice. Now I can't even flirt with the ones I'm not interested in.

Last night I went to bed discouraged. I've had some interest in a couple guys this year, but because of my fear, I've suppressed my flirtations at the weakest sign of interest and instead either ran away completely, or affixed the "just friends" label, squelching any future possibility.

Soft and encouraging eye contact, a warm and inviting (not overbearing) smile, a gentle and playful touch of the arm or knee, make him feel great! I used to do these things instinctively, now I can't seem to force myself to do them. Sigh...I need to just shrug off my fear and start having fun again.

I have no reason to be insecure or afraid. I am quite a catch and a guy would be lucky to have me. I'm intelligent, kind, educated, responsible, empathetic, fun, pretty, and have a great sense of humor. I'm going places, man! People love me, they enjoy my company and generally want me around. Life is good and getting better all the time.

rewrite my life

As a very unhappy sixteen year old, I started writing as a coping mechanism. The stories I created were my means of escaping all the darkness and pain that surrounded that period of my life. They were futuristic projections of some imaginary life I hoped to one day create for myself. My imaginings were so vivid and so real to me that I actually began believing that they were going to become my reality. This idea was completely irrational, however, though I'm going going into the reasons why. Suffice it to say, I became a little delusional and was greatly unsettled when my those delusions were shattered shortly after graduation.

I've come to the decision that I should not use my imagination to create what I want my life to be. The future and any expectations and desires placed therein must be flexible in order for possibility to work its magic and allow life to form with pleasing results. My stories are too detailed, too vivid, too concrete. There is no logical way for them to become reality because people are flawed and situations rarely work precisely the way we hope.

So, I think that from now on, instead of trying to create the future, I am going to attempt to rewrite my past. A lot of it I'd like to sponge away. So maybe between my imagination and my forgetfulness, I can recreate my memories, cutting out the bad parts and piecing together the good. Then maybe I can transform my vision of who I was and who I am in order to create a better who I will be.

Charity is loving even those you don't want to love

Recently I've been throwing a tantrum because the people who are grasping for my attention and kindness are not the one I want to want me. The people I want to be around and spend all my free time with don't seem to care if I'm there or not, while there are at least a handful of other people who are persistently requesting my attention; I don't want to give to them.

I realized the other night as I was complaining about this to God that a few weeks ago I asked Him to bless me with Charity so I could love and help those around me in order to do His work. Well, what I meant when I prayed was to bless me with charity toward those I want to love and serve...what God decided, however, was to teach me true Charity which, I'm beginning to understand, actually means loving everyone, including (and really most particularly) those you don't immediately want to love. I'm also beginning to see that those who are seeking my attention and kindness and friendship are generally the ones who are most in need.

So, I am sorry for being so picky and stingy in my attempts at charity. I'm adjusting my understanding and my attitude and I will do my best to be a better friend to all, especially those who are most in need.

New Year! Hello 2011, Please Be Kind

Despite all my whining, last year (2010) was actually a really good year.

It was one of the most social times in my life.

I became more extroverted than ever before.

Friendships were created, developed, renewed (a few toxic ones were dissolved)

Hundreds (possibly even thousands) of pictures were taken to document a plethora of memorable experiences

I completed two more semesters toward my BA

Finally found a job that works for now

My nephews turned 1 year old and 4 years old

Accompanied my sister-in-law through the Temple; and then witnessed her and my brother's sealing for time and all eternity!

Learned, healed, changed, grew

My creativity and ability to write revived and I wrote some publishable poems

Dropped one pant size

Realized and recovered from my ridiculousness more quickly than ever before

Bought new glasses (mine are like 8 years old, very ineffective)

******************

Now for the new year. I don't really make resolutions. I just want to be a little better than I was last year.

More kind, charitable, and friendly
More patient, understanding, and forgiving
Less angry and irritated
Less selfish/self-centered
Quicker to step up and help out
More involved and active
More focused on the things that matter most (i.e. family, friends, education)
Less afraid...or I should say, more courageous

By the end of this year I should...
Graduate from Weber with my BA
Have a better-paying, full-time job (at least have applications in for such)
Be totally healed from previous relationships
(Hopefully) Be in a new relationship
Have plans in action for living on my own
PUBLISH! Something, ANYTHING!