Have I said too much? Maybe I haven't said enough? Sigh...words are all I know so what do I do when even they fail me? Or have they failed?
Shygirl told me tonight that I think too much...I'm sure she's right. But how do I make the thoughts stop? I'm trying, I really am! I had to get them out. The song by John Mayer kept running through my head, "It's better to say too much than never to say what you need to say again." So I just kept saying what I think and feel. How can anyone accuse me of not communicating? I say everything...now anyway. One of the changes I've made. Communication. I'll tell you even if you don't tell me...it'll be more efficient and productive if you talk to, but I'll work with it. I'm open, I'm honest, I'm not holding back or hiding anymore.
Hello World! Here I am! Please be kind, I love you :-)
29 December 2009
Break Down the Walls = Communicate
I was talking with Shygirl last night about building walls. Not literal walls, the kind people build inside themselves to keep the rest of the world away from the deep places. It's a defense mechanism. We don't want to get hurt. We've learned that if we let people inside of us, we will be hurt. But what's wrong with a little pain? Doesn't it hurt more to be lonely? Doesn't it hurt more to keep yourself locked away from everyone? Doesn't it hurt to know that no one really knows the real you because you've built your walls so high and so thick?
So why do we do it? Why do we build walls to keep people away? I think it's a weapon of the Adversary. We are stronger together. The scriptures say that Zion (or God's people) are of one heart and one mind; that they are knit together in unity. How can we be knit together in unity when we are all walled up in ourselves, keeping others at a distance? Satan keeps us separate. He puts petty insecurities and differences between us. He feeds us lies and encourages miscommunication. He makes us greedy and selfish and teaches us to keep ourselves away from those who would make us stronger.
This is why people are what matters. This is why we shouldn't let things come between us and our friends. God gives us soul friends, kindred spirits, those who make us better and stronger. Satan takes them away. Satan puts up walls that we don't realize until they are there. He blinds us to the truth and keeps us silent too long. We can't let him win.
I have no walls. I have broken down my walls and I am no longer holding myself back. I will tell the truth (as I see it) when I feel I need to speak up and I hope others will be overtly honest with me as well. I accept everyone. I see everyone as a friend until they prove otherwise (and even some of those I will always keep in my heart as a friend that should have been). I pray for them, I try to communicate with them because communication is the greatest demolisher of walls. I am persistant when I see someone who is desperate to get out. I will bring my pick and chip away until I help to get them out. Shygirl is my greatest example of that. She was walled in so tight that I had to be patient and persistant but we succeeded in breaking her out...at least enough to let me in.
I don't give up on those I love. I don't push them away, I don't neglect them -- especially when they have told me they need me. Let me know and I will always be there when you need a friend, when you need someone to make you strong or see you through. Let me know and I will help you break down your walls. Because I love you.
So why do we do it? Why do we build walls to keep people away? I think it's a weapon of the Adversary. We are stronger together. The scriptures say that Zion (or God's people) are of one heart and one mind; that they are knit together in unity. How can we be knit together in unity when we are all walled up in ourselves, keeping others at a distance? Satan keeps us separate. He puts petty insecurities and differences between us. He feeds us lies and encourages miscommunication. He makes us greedy and selfish and teaches us to keep ourselves away from those who would make us stronger.
This is why people are what matters. This is why we shouldn't let things come between us and our friends. God gives us soul friends, kindred spirits, those who make us better and stronger. Satan takes them away. Satan puts up walls that we don't realize until they are there. He blinds us to the truth and keeps us silent too long. We can't let him win.
I have no walls. I have broken down my walls and I am no longer holding myself back. I will tell the truth (as I see it) when I feel I need to speak up and I hope others will be overtly honest with me as well. I accept everyone. I see everyone as a friend until they prove otherwise (and even some of those I will always keep in my heart as a friend that should have been). I pray for them, I try to communicate with them because communication is the greatest demolisher of walls. I am persistant when I see someone who is desperate to get out. I will bring my pick and chip away until I help to get them out. Shygirl is my greatest example of that. She was walled in so tight that I had to be patient and persistant but we succeeded in breaking her out...at least enough to let me in.
I don't give up on those I love. I don't push them away, I don't neglect them -- especially when they have told me they need me. Let me know and I will always be there when you need a friend, when you need someone to make you strong or see you through. Let me know and I will help you break down your walls. Because I love you.
Help Me Understand, Help Me See Truth
You can't hold me responsible for what you haven't told me.
I ask for the truth, please give it to me even if you think it'll hurt me. I asked for it, I can take it. Respect me enough to be honest.
Truth and knowledge are always better than lies and avoidance. Truth and knowledge lead to understanding and acceptance...lies and avoidance only lead to pain.
I ask for the truth, please give it to me even if you think it'll hurt me. I asked for it, I can take it. Respect me enough to be honest.
Truth and knowledge are always better than lies and avoidance. Truth and knowledge lead to understanding and acceptance...lies and avoidance only lead to pain.
28 December 2009
Outward Honesty is Important
It's difficult to see the whole picture of a situation when you have only your own observations and intuitions and opinions. It takes open and HONEST communication to form a full picture.
I know I don't see everything, that's why I ask questions and hope that people will tell me the truth. I know people are better than they sometimes act. I know people are not the jerks they seem to be sometimes, I just can't see the whole picture. I ask for honesty and open communication from those I care about so I don't jump to the wrong conclusions with my partial understanding. What can I do when people won't talk or won't tell me the truth? What do I do when no matter how I try to just let it go and stop thinking about it, I can't?
I ask. Generally in writing because I forget things when I am talking. I tell my point of view and my feelings and hope that the person I've confided in will tell me his point of view and feelings. Just be honest. The truth may sting for a moment but in the long run, it's better to be honest than to tell people what you think they want to hear.
I never make promises unless I know for absolute certain I can keep the promise. If I don't know without a doubt that I can keep the promise I say something like, "Dear friend, I can't promise but I will do all in my power to do this thing." I can't promise those who love me won't get hurt sometimes. I can promise I will never do anything to INTENTIONALLY hurt someone. I can't promise I will always be there for you exactly when you need me (through the hope of inspiration), but I do promise I will do all I can to be there for you...especially when you tell me you need me. I promise I will always love you as a friend and do all in my power to aid you in whatever you need that I can provide.
Friendship is extremely important to me. It's not something I go into lightly, it's not something I give up without a fight or without a really, REALLY good reason. Even when the other person in the friendship decides to walk away, I still keep up my side of the friendship, if only in my heart. I mourn the loss of friends and rejoice when friendships are renewed.
The scriptures say, "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God" and I believe it's true. Every soul is precious and valuable and we should do all we can to treat those around us with respect and kindness and love. Love doesn't give up, no matter what. I love you and I promise to do everything in my power to never give up on you.
You are important to me.
And that's the honest truth!
I know I don't see everything, that's why I ask questions and hope that people will tell me the truth. I know people are better than they sometimes act. I know people are not the jerks they seem to be sometimes, I just can't see the whole picture. I ask for honesty and open communication from those I care about so I don't jump to the wrong conclusions with my partial understanding. What can I do when people won't talk or won't tell me the truth? What do I do when no matter how I try to just let it go and stop thinking about it, I can't?
I ask. Generally in writing because I forget things when I am talking. I tell my point of view and my feelings and hope that the person I've confided in will tell me his point of view and feelings. Just be honest. The truth may sting for a moment but in the long run, it's better to be honest than to tell people what you think they want to hear.
I never make promises unless I know for absolute certain I can keep the promise. If I don't know without a doubt that I can keep the promise I say something like, "Dear friend, I can't promise but I will do all in my power to do this thing." I can't promise those who love me won't get hurt sometimes. I can promise I will never do anything to INTENTIONALLY hurt someone. I can't promise I will always be there for you exactly when you need me (through the hope of inspiration), but I do promise I will do all I can to be there for you...especially when you tell me you need me. I promise I will always love you as a friend and do all in my power to aid you in whatever you need that I can provide.
Friendship is extremely important to me. It's not something I go into lightly, it's not something I give up without a fight or without a really, REALLY good reason. Even when the other person in the friendship decides to walk away, I still keep up my side of the friendship, if only in my heart. I mourn the loss of friends and rejoice when friendships are renewed.
The scriptures say, "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God" and I believe it's true. Every soul is precious and valuable and we should do all we can to treat those around us with respect and kindness and love. Love doesn't give up, no matter what. I love you and I promise to do everything in my power to never give up on you.
You are important to me.
And that's the honest truth!
27 December 2009
seeking a true friend
Bestest Friend has been gone on a cruise for a week and a day now. I've been doing fine. I had a pleasent Christmas with family and I hung out with EB and The Artist...and The Man (I adore him and though I feel horrible on his behalf, I'm secretly a little glad that his current misfortune has brought his friendship back to me). I am so grateful for my dear friends and I appreciate the time we spend together, but I miss my Bestest Friend. I need to talk about things. I need to fall apart and have her there to listen and then help me piece things back together.
This year was terrible...probably the most difficult I've had in my life. I'm not saying there weren't good moments, there were, but it was a really hard year. Healing hurts. This was a year of breaking open and a lot of feelings and overwhelming emotion...and healing. One thing I've learned is that healing is a lonely process. When you are emotionally broken and in the process of finding a way to put yourself back together, people go away. Misery may love company, but it very often doesn't find any. I have had people around, lingering in the background and ready to step in when I'm having a good day and am ready to have fun...but in the truly difficult or painful moments, I've found myself usually alone.
No one understands what I've been through, though I've tried to explain just so I don't have to go through it alone, no one really understands. I know that God knows...but in a lot of these dark moments of anguish, it feels as though even He has turned His attention away.
Bestest Friend has done the best she could but this was a big year for her. She met the love of her life in January and was majorly wrapped up in him. My love life crumbled to pieces and I'm left without even the promised friendship. The loss of the friendship hurts more than the loss of a romantic relationship. His betrayal cuts so deeply that I can't even find the words to express the hurt. He promised and he broke his promise. I'm not angry, I'm just sad and hurt.
Right now I need a true friend. I need someone who won't abandon me, who will be by my side no matter what. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that the year is over (almost) and that next year will be better because I deserve to be happy. This year hurt more than almost any other year of my life and I just need someone to tell me that the hurt will end and the joy will come. I feel lost at sea, tossed on the waves and windblown. I don't want to be swallowed by the depths, I want to be rescued and made to feel safe. I want a safe and warm lap to rest my head on. I want someone to comb their fingers through my hair and soothe the fear and the ache that is raging inside.
I believe that next year will be better. I believe that good things are coming. I believe that school will be good, that I'll find a job I like before my funds completely run dry. I believe new friends will come and fill the void left by others. I believe the fear will fade and the ache will cease. I believe I'll wake up and not wish I hadn't. I believe joy will come as I seek it and invite it. But tonight, I miss my best friends. Tonight my heart hurts and the hot tears are spilling from my eyes and I can't see how my beliefs will become reality. Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep and maybe tomorrow my vision will be washed clean. Maybe tomorrow I'll find a true friend who has some sympathy, some answers, some love to give...
This year was terrible...probably the most difficult I've had in my life. I'm not saying there weren't good moments, there were, but it was a really hard year. Healing hurts. This was a year of breaking open and a lot of feelings and overwhelming emotion...and healing. One thing I've learned is that healing is a lonely process. When you are emotionally broken and in the process of finding a way to put yourself back together, people go away. Misery may love company, but it very often doesn't find any. I have had people around, lingering in the background and ready to step in when I'm having a good day and am ready to have fun...but in the truly difficult or painful moments, I've found myself usually alone.
No one understands what I've been through, though I've tried to explain just so I don't have to go through it alone, no one really understands. I know that God knows...but in a lot of these dark moments of anguish, it feels as though even He has turned His attention away.
Bestest Friend has done the best she could but this was a big year for her. She met the love of her life in January and was majorly wrapped up in him. My love life crumbled to pieces and I'm left without even the promised friendship. The loss of the friendship hurts more than the loss of a romantic relationship. His betrayal cuts so deeply that I can't even find the words to express the hurt. He promised and he broke his promise. I'm not angry, I'm just sad and hurt.
Right now I need a true friend. I need someone who won't abandon me, who will be by my side no matter what. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me that the year is over (almost) and that next year will be better because I deserve to be happy. This year hurt more than almost any other year of my life and I just need someone to tell me that the hurt will end and the joy will come. I feel lost at sea, tossed on the waves and windblown. I don't want to be swallowed by the depths, I want to be rescued and made to feel safe. I want a safe and warm lap to rest my head on. I want someone to comb their fingers through my hair and soothe the fear and the ache that is raging inside.
I believe that next year will be better. I believe that good things are coming. I believe that school will be good, that I'll find a job I like before my funds completely run dry. I believe new friends will come and fill the void left by others. I believe the fear will fade and the ache will cease. I believe I'll wake up and not wish I hadn't. I believe joy will come as I seek it and invite it. But tonight, I miss my best friends. Tonight my heart hurts and the hot tears are spilling from my eyes and I can't see how my beliefs will become reality. Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep and maybe tomorrow my vision will be washed clean. Maybe tomorrow I'll find a true friend who has some sympathy, some answers, some love to give...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)