forgiving...part 3 - one year

One year ago today I wrote a note and opened a door that had been locked for a long time. The year that has followed that note has been one of shock and awe, reconciliation, discovery/rediscovery, introspection,  adventure, frustration, excitement, intrigue, fascination, affection, and forgiveness. I have learned that what I thought I knew was not necessarily truth. The perspective I’ve clung  to for so long was not entirely accurate. In the past my focus was on all the lack and loss instead of what was good and present. Over the last week or so memories of moments from eight, nine, and ten years ago have flowed through my mind; all the things I didn't pay enough attention to the first time are standing out to me now. Maybe he was better to me than I thought at the time. Maybe my fears and ideals and broken brain put an unrealistic spin on things. Maybe he wasn't the villain I made him out to be. Maybe I was partly to blame for our inability to work things out.

I don’t have adequate words to say what I’m trying to say. I hesitate to say anything here at all, a little afraid that things are going so well because it’s all on the DL. I won’t go into much detail or anything, I just want to say that I’m generally content with the way things are. 

I don’t know what we are, why we are, or how long we will be whatever we are. We always tried too hard to make it something (friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) instead of just letting it be what it was, allowing things to evolve at the pace that was right for us. I let him back into my life without a clue of what to expect. Over the last year he has blown all expectation out of the water, so eager to have me back in his life that he was willing to do whatever it took to keep me around. I’m the one who has held back, hesitated, worried, and waited. And he has been patient.

Emotions and expectations started too high on both sides: wanting, needing, fearing, hoping, forcing, neglecting, searching...he was so eager to have me back, so ready to do whatever it took to keep me, but fear overwhelmed me at random moments and I made it all too difficult. Everything went too fast at first. I wanted time, needed to slow things down. I couldn't speak. The fear, confusion, and doubt mingled with the hope, desire, and possibility and took all the words away. We broke up in September. In the moment it was good and I was content, relieved even...we were always good at saying goodbye. But then it hit me and I cried for two days. It wasn't the idea of losing him that made me cry, it was the idea of starting the cycle again. It's how it always went, so intense it overwhelmed us and we ran away. 

I wanted time and consistency. I wanted time for whatever we were to simmer and steep and have a real chance to fizzle into whatever we could be. So I suggested cutting out the labels such as "dating" and "just friends" and any other definitions because of the complications created from the implication of expectations they carry. In this undefined space we are learning how to interact with each other, how to communicate, and how to pleasantly coexist. I am learning to trust. He is learning to accept me as I am and be compassionate and understanding when my brain turns against me. He has really been trying to be a good friend to me. He treats me well and is increasingly more patient and supportive in my moments of depression and anxiety. I have been trying to emphasize my appreciation for the good in him and minimize my frustration over his weaknesses. I'm working on doing the same with my own strengths and weaknesses as well.

Life baffles me. Relationships and social interactions often baffle me as well. I'm grateful for this year. I'm grateful that I followed whatever prompted me to open that door and let him back in. I'm grateful that things are generally content and consistent and that we are able to be friends. He is a good man and I'm really glad I can see that again. 

dear void

It's been a while. Sorry, I've been neglectful. Life has been vast...I'm writing this on my phone with the auto text, when I meant to say crazy, it came up with vast.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines vast: very great in size, amount, degree, intensity, or especially in extent or range. I suppose that fits. Life has been vast, at least from my perspective. People outside would disagree. They see only snippets and tidbits but from the inside the last 6 months to a year of my life feels immense, monumental, tremendous, walloping, and overwhelming. Things have happened and I've made choices and my perspective and faith and personal truth have been tested and stretched and altered. Things I thought I knew have been challenged and changed. Things I thought were important seem less so, or more so now. I have allowed myself to follow a process that to some...maybe to most...would seem unadvisable. I've made mistakes and given in to doubts and fears more than I should have. I've hidden away too much, perhaps.

For the most part I really like where I am right now. I love my job at the museum and I like my job at the library well enough. I'm generally content with the few constant friends and I've settled into a near contentment with the loneliness and disappointment of being single despite my best efforts. I've come to terms (or am coming to terms) with some ghosts from my past and the depressing and anxiety have been less prevalent. I'm finding it a bit tricky to accept certain disappointments without losing hope entirely, but I'm making progress in that as well.

There are two things that need to change, but I cannot see the way. I wish I had someone to talk to who would really listen to understand, without judgement or disappointment or bias, and help me see what I cannot make clear. Perhaps it isn't time. Maybe eternal patience is required in this matter. Maybe there will never be closure or reconciliation or total enlightenment. Perhaps it will be forever unresolved. How do I accept that and move forward despite the constant uncertainty?

I'm feeling low and alone today. My thoughts needed air and space and refused containment. I guess I'm hoping the void will swallow some of my discontent and leave me lighter and more able to make it through the vast day. So...

Thank you, once again, dear void.

lean on me, when you're not strong...

life caves in on me sometimes

everything starts to hurt too much

i get too buried in all the rubble

the way out obstructs my view

i need someone on the outside

close enough to see what I can not

to help clear the path, guide me out

you know something no one else knows

so this time the guide has to be you

this is all I ever ask from others

the one thing I cannot do for myself

i'm in the dark place. that's what i call it when i feel so overwhelmed that i can't see clearly. i know what will help the most but i have a really hard time asking. when i am my enemy i can't do it alone. i need someone else to show me the way. but what if no one is there? what if the person i need the most is too busy or too far away? i ask someone else, someone who has been there and has claimed to care...but then ends up being a selfish jerk when all i need is a little compassion and understanding; someone to listen and tell me i'm still ok and worthwhile. i forget he's not Will.  they're so similar in so many ways that i forget i can't rely on him when i need someone the most.  i miss Will with my whole everything. he's the one man in all the world (that i've come across anyway) who has seen my dark place and my scars and my fears and my wreckage and didn't walk away or treat me the way i felt. he accepted me, stuck by me, cared for me, guided me, and always gave so much more than he ever received.  he's still around, but lives too far away now.  he can't sit with me, write with me, play his guitar for me, hug me, and without even one word, remind me that i matter and that i'm not alone in the world. bestest friend is too busy and preoccupied with a 4 year old and a newborn. Chelle lives too far away and doesn't answer her phone 90% the time.  they are the people i feel most comfortable talking to, they are the ones who have listened, they are the ones who have pulled me from the rubble in the past.  i don't know what to do.  i'm in deep this time, too deep for anyone to see or hear or reach me.  

you can't tell to look at me. i put on a smile and say everything is fine...or i go silent so i won't bring people down or burden them. but i hurt inside; my everything hurts all the time these days. i am anxious and tense all the time. i try to cope alone. i try to take care of myself. i know my happiness is dependent on myself and not on someone else...but there are moments, like this one, when i just can't do it alone. how do i explain this so those who haven't been here can understand? i'm not asking them to be my leg, i'm asking them to hold my hand, help me balance for a second while i figure out how to regain my footing. i am not dependent on them for my whole life, i'm asking only for one breath.  i have been there for them on countless occasions.  i am usually willing and eager to be there when someone else is in need. is there a way to make them understand? i'm not asking for them to bring me the moon, just remind me that it still shines every night, even when i can't see it. because right now, in this moment, i can't see it.

if you read this, please just send up a prayer for me, or say something nice and encouraging...that's all i really need, just some kindness, some faith (because mine is weak at the moment) and nice words. 

thanks.

p.s. i will find the way back into the light. i had a pretty good month in October...once the museum was closed and that stress was over. i had a couple of pretty great weeks actually...until i started my new job and lost my footing again. i'm trying really hard not to hate it, but i kind of do. my eyes and my shoulders aren't adjusting well...and i feel more inept than i've felt at any other job ever.  and i miss the museum. i miss having people who care about me and who are always excited to see me when i get to work. i miss feeling necessary and wanted.  money isn't worth this...but i need it. i'm just not sure it's worth losing my sanity over. i'm grateful that i have employment, and that i am making more money and will have medical and dental insurance in a couple months (if i last that long). but i hate feeling this way and i can't figure out how to change it. i'm stuck in the dark and can't find the switch. sigh. anyway, i do know it's not as dark as it seemed today.  and i'm trying to find the hope that things will get better. it's just not very easy to feel that way right now.  but i'm trying.

oh! and my dear Will friend is coming for a visit at Christmas, so there's something to look forward to.

friendship

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey 

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley 

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”
― Jon Katz 

“He must have known I'd want to leave you."
"No, he must have known you would always want to come back.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island 

“Friendship- my definition- is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don't have trust, the friendship will crumble.”
― Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo  

 The concept of friendship has been on my mind a lot recently. I wrote a big post about how a certain someone said he wants to be friends but that I don't know how that's possible since he doesn't know how to be a friend to me and friendship should be balanced and two-sided. How self righteous, selfish and unfriend like is that attitude? Yes, ideally friendships are equally yoked, give and receive, everybody benefits from every encounter. But, sometimes one friend has to be the one to give much more than seems fair or right in a given moment. I'm sorry that I have not been a very good friend to a lot of people the last few years. I have been too focused on my own needs and problems and have forgotten how to be a good friend to others despite my own struggles. 

With this new insight I will try to be a better friend.

I am grateful for all the good friends who have shown me that friendship is a whole, and can make broken pieces whole again. Friendship is giving and receiving. Friendship is kind, patient, understanding, forgiving, gentle, uplifting and fulfilling.  Friendship is accepting all the flaws and shortcomings along with the talents and triumphs.  Friendship is just being there in the right moment with the right attitude.  Friendship sometimes feels heavy but is worth the effort. True friendship is worth more than all the riches in the world and costs only time and heart. Friendship is compassionately honest. Friendship is worth fighting for, even if that means just loving someone from whatever distance they need in a moment. And friendship is accepting them back with open arms and a joyful heart when they are ready.

“This is how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forgot who you are and how much you're loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn't any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember with you, which is my pleasure.”

― James Lecesne 

Understanding & Love

“Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love.”  ~ John Steinbeck

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.”
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom 


A few months ago I opened a door that had been closed and deadbolted for nearly 7 years.  I did not rush into the decision.  Only after careful and prayerful consideration did I release the lock and grasp the dusty knob.  On the other side of the door stood a man eager for reconnection.  Every step I took hesitantly.  Old scars burned, reminding me to tread carefully.  But his words, so filled with apology and promise, soothed and softened and began to heal the wounds he'd so carelessly created so many years ago.  I sometimes wish the gashes and bruises and breaks were visible, like someone battered and kicked down stairs, then maybe he would have seen the damage and stopped.  But he cut and tore deeply and invisibly.  For reasons I will never understand, I loved him and let him.  I saw goodness in him, made excuses for his mistreatment.  He wasn't parented well, he had a rough childhood, a rough life, he wasn't taught love and compassion and understanding.  I love too easily, too deeply...especially those who are most in need of love and compassion.

He said that he had changed.  He said he wanted me in his life and he regretted all the hurt he had caused.  He said he would commit. He spoke often of our future together, as though being together for a long time was an inevitability.  He said he loved me.  He tried.  I know he tried.  In all his apparent affection and hope for the future, I got lost.  My fear of the past and the still aching scars kept me uncertain and holding back.  I still wasn't sure I wanted to be in the present, let alone continue with him into the future he imagined.  I couldn't keep up.  I couldn't explain my resistance.  I didn't want to hurt him with the hurt he'd caused me.  I wanted to forgive and forget and give the new us a chance.  But he did not understand and impatiently put me off.  It was too hard.  New relationships shouldn't be so hard.  But it wasn't a new relationship, only a new chapter in an old story.  I tried to explain but he wouldn't hear.  My inability to speak is a huge problem between us.  I try to say what I need to but the words don't come out right and he does not try to understand.  On the verge of spewing the words, explaining the circumstance, the conflict inside my heart, he silenced me.

A week ago he broke up with me.  In the moment it was a good break up.  He said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to just be friends.  I wanted that too, but as the following days evolved I became less certain of the possibility.  "Friendship" is a conflicting term for us.  My definition is very different than his.  So I told him I needed time to consider.  A few days away from him allowed me time to release the breath I hadn't known I'd been holding for months.  Understanding flooded and revealed his best efforts and my mistakes, my fears, my doubts, and my hopes.  I had been so focused on the past and the future I forgot to just be and find joy in the moment.  I noticed too much what he wasn't doing that I forgot to recognize and appreciate the kind and loving things he did: remembering I don't like ice in my water, paying for dinner, walking me to my car, making sure I got home safely, holding me, trying to cheer me up when I was sad or stressed, organizing a weekly game night, killing a huge spider, always volunteering to drive, coming to movie night, holding my hand, giving me his wii when the previous ex took his back, taking me hiking and to soccer games, and so many other things.  They weren't what I asked so I forgot to see and recognize and praise.  On the outside I could see more clearly the way things should have gone.  But from the outside I also saw no way of going back. 

In an effort to move forward I said we could be friends. Knowing him and myself the way I do, I asked for a conversation.  In order for us to be friends in a way that is acceptable to us both, I need guidelines.  I need to know his perspective and I wanted him to understand mine.  Yesterday I asked for the conversation but I didn't explain what I wanted and he was less than enthusiastic so my anxiety got the better of me and I forgot to see the situation from his point of view. I needed to explain to him who I am and how I function...or malfunction sometimes so he (as a friend) would be patient and understanding until I could adjust to what we would become.  I wanted to give us time and space to build trust and learn to function and coexist.  We did not have the pleasant conversation I intended.  Instead, over text message, we both said things I regret.  We did not speak to understand, we did not speak from a place of compassion and kindness, we did not speak progressively. 

I do not understand how things rose and fell so entirely in such a short amount of time.  Everything moved so quickly and I couldn't keep up.  My intention at the beginning was to repair the past, find closure, and move forward with more positive and settled emotions and learn to let go.  Maybe I read too many books, watch too many movies and believe too steadily in wrapping things up in a matter of hours or pages.  Life isn't neat and tidy, people are flawed and not all conflicts can be resolved.  Best intentions are not always rewarded and sometimes all you can do after a fall is to crawl slowly until you are able to regain some sense of footing.  All I can do is accept that things will never be clean and pretty between us.  Whether we are active in each others lives or not he will always be a part of me and I will always hope and pray that life is being kind to him.  I have no idea where to go from here.  From the outside the answers may seem clear, but the situation on the inside is complicated and complex and not easily explained.  All I can do is be in the moment.  The past is gone, the future is uncertain.  I can function only a moment at a time, I can take life as it comes and do my best to keep up and make better decisions as I go.  And I can try harder to say what I need to say, seeking always to communicate from a place of understanding and love.