So far the semester is going well. My Adult Development class has given me particular encouragement and reassurance that I am where I need to be. It's going to be one of my most overwhelming classes, but I really like the teacher and the subject matter is just what I need to hear right now.
My Family Processes class is going to be pretty crazy too (I have group projects in both...I'm not a big fan of group projects, but my groups seem to be pretty good so maybe it won't be so bad). I really like this professor as well, I took his Marriage class last semester. My one fear is his tests. I got a B in his class last semester because he has a ton of listing on his tests and I'm not so good with memorizing long lists of things.
My third class is Classical Literature, which I am totally loving! We've been reading The Iliad. It's such beautiful language (even the violence is dripping with poetic imagery). The professor is interesting. I don't think the papers will be too difficult. I have already gotten one back 90/100, not bad. This second paper should be better since I now know what he expects. My one concern about this class is that Greek and Roman literature (the subject matter for the course) is loaded with sex and violence. Thankfully, the professor is mature about it and treats these topics delicately, not dwelling on them too much.
My last class is a once-a-week night class. Wednesdays are my very, very long days. I am at Weber from 9:30am to about 8:15pm. The first week of class I took my regular commute on UTA. I didn't get home until after 11pm...too long! This week I drove to Ogden and got home around 9:15pm; still long, but much better. This class is my Poetry Writing class. The teacher is retired so he's an adjunct professor. He teaches because he loves poetry and he loves teaching. I think he's getting a little senile though because he's completely NUTS! It's fun. He spent 10 minutes yesterday describing how he eats a 12 piece bucket of KFC chicken. It was so funny that the girl next to me was wiping away tears. I think I'm going to love this class. I just need to make myself write some poetry. Our first poem was due yesterday and I had to use an old one because I couldn't complete a new one. I started a couple...
I know beyond a doubt that school is where I need to be and what I need to be focusing on right now. It's okay that I haven't found a job yet (nothing is working out, no matter where I apply or how many times I call for interviews, so it seems it's just not time), I'll figure it out when it's right. It's also okay that I'm not dating right now. I'm not even interested in anyone, which is actually kind of great! I'm content with my friends and family for now. It's nice that I don't have anyone to coordinate my life with, since I'm having a little trouble just coordinating with myself.
Nothing much is making sense in my life right now; probably because I'm fighting against the truth because it's different than the general consensus of others. But my life has never gone "according to plan" in the regular "normal" course of things. I'm different and for reasons I hope to one day understand, my life has gone according to someone's plan. With the exception of the SW phase, my Cedar City escapade, and Bobpi (all directly related to each other and I'm still not sure why those were necessary moments of my life), I know that I needed to be in each of the places and phases I've been in. I think SW was a detour I wasn't intended to take and therefore has led to a whole lot of complication that could have been avoided. On the other hand, perhaps it was what was necessary to get me to make some major changes in my life. I don't know.
Anyway, I digress. I know that school is the right place for me to be. I'm looking for a job that will be a good fit through the end of my degree. I'm thinking of finding a different ward for church. I've been in this place too long and I just don't feel needed or wanted; and I don't feel like I'm progressing at all. I feel stuck at church and I don't like it. I don't want to stay, but I'm afraid to try to leave. I just don't know what to do. The Artist said he visited a singles ward for those 25-35 years old, he said it seemed promising. Maybe I should try that. I just don't know.
So, I'll focus on what I do know. School. School is good. School is where I need to be.
09 September 2010
05 September 2010
I am what I am and not what you think I am
if you think you know me, you probably don't. it's okay, let's just be friends anyway.
my past doesn't have to taint my future. i decide today to look forward instead of always looking back.
the best is yet to come
you don't have to know me to love me
i won't try to fix you and you won't try to fix me and we'll get along great!
if i need help, i'll ask for it. if you need help, you can ask me too.
life is good...and it's even better with friends who let you be yourself and love you just the way you are; no judging or analyzing or offering solutions to "problems" they don't even understand.
when i forget who i am, remind me by treating me as a daughter of God
if you think you know me, you probably don't. it's okay, let's just be friends anyway.
my past doesn't have to taint my future. i decide today to look forward instead of always looking back.
the best is yet to come
you don't have to know me to love me
i won't try to fix you and you won't try to fix me and we'll get along great!
if i need help, i'll ask for it. if you need help, you can ask me too.
life is good...and it's even better with friends who let you be yourself and love you just the way you are; no judging or analyzing or offering solutions to "problems" they don't even understand.
when i forget who i am, remind me by treating me as a daughter of God
04 September 2010
Eat Pray Love
Yesterday was not the greatest day. I just felt really depressed and out of place. I had invitations to hang out with friends who I adore, but it just didn't feel like the best idea. I needed to be with someone who knew me before...the thought came to call an old friend but I hesitated, deciding instead to take myself to a movie. But when Misselicious started texting me about Em's bridal shower, I took the hint (she was the one I'd been thinking of) and asked if she wanted to go to dinner and a movie.
The movie Eat Pray Love had been on my mind all day so that was the one I wanted to see. The showings, however, were not cooperating with my time frame so we decided on meeting half-way between us at Thanksgiving Point and seeing Salt instead. We met up and went to the cafe for dinner then went to buy our tickets for Salt but the showing wasn't listed. So we bought tickets for the 9:45pm showing of Eat Pray Love and wandered around for two hours.
It's funny that things worked out exactly as they needed to. Spending time with my Misselicious always makes me feel better. She knows me better than most because she's been with me through most of the last 7 years. She is one of those friends who it doesn't matter how long it's been since the last time we talked, we just pick right back up where we left off and it's as though no time has passed at all. She knows me and therefore I feel free to be completely myself with her. She brings out the best in me and reminds me that it's okay to relax and have fun and just be myself.
I'd forgotten who "myself" was and that's why she was the one I needed last night.
And Eat Pray Love was the movie I needed to see. I related to the Julia Roberts character like you wouldn't believe. So much of what she learned throughout the movie are things that I need to learn. I need to meet people like the ones she met to help me work through my wounds and darkness and get to a place of balance and health. Where can I find such people? People who have been through similar things so they really understand the process of getting back. Where do I find people who don't ignore but instead make me talk and work through all that I've been avoiding? Where do I find people who won't give up on me and who refuse to allow me to give up on myself? Where do I find people who can teach me to live and love and enjoy life again? I want people of depth and sincerity and intelligence...and hearts that are open and giving so I can learn to be that way too.
And I really, really, REALLY want to go to Italy! I know that living in Utah, it's so much more practical to learn Spanish for my foreign language credit...but how I long to learn Italian! Oh! It's really just the most beautiful and delicious language I've ever heard.
Anyone know an attractive Italian currently living in Utah who wants to teach me to speak his language? Sigh
Anyway, back to the point of this post. I'm getting better. I can see the progress I've made and that I am making. I'm in school and I'm working toward bettering my situation. I'm working on healing and finding myself. I'm working on loving and opening myself up to believing in what I've lost and forgotten. I'm getting there.
One thing I've learned recently is to be open to learning whatever others have to teach. It's best to go into an interaction with another person with the desire to learn what they have to teach you instead of what you think you need to learn. That's one thing I understand from my recent interactions with BLJ. He can't teach me what I think I want to learn from him, he can't help me in the way I want to be helped, but he can teach me other things that I need to learn. He can't (or just won't) help me heal or find myself, but he can teach me and help me with my resume and my job search. So I'll work toward being humble and listen to and accept what he has to give me. And I'll try to be open to finding the rest of what I need in other ways or through other people (such as my school classes or friends).
I'm doing better. I'm progressing.
The movie Eat Pray Love had been on my mind all day so that was the one I wanted to see. The showings, however, were not cooperating with my time frame so we decided on meeting half-way between us at Thanksgiving Point and seeing Salt instead. We met up and went to the cafe for dinner then went to buy our tickets for Salt but the showing wasn't listed. So we bought tickets for the 9:45pm showing of Eat Pray Love and wandered around for two hours.
It's funny that things worked out exactly as they needed to. Spending time with my Misselicious always makes me feel better. She knows me better than most because she's been with me through most of the last 7 years. She is one of those friends who it doesn't matter how long it's been since the last time we talked, we just pick right back up where we left off and it's as though no time has passed at all. She knows me and therefore I feel free to be completely myself with her. She brings out the best in me and reminds me that it's okay to relax and have fun and just be myself.
I'd forgotten who "myself" was and that's why she was the one I needed last night.
And Eat Pray Love was the movie I needed to see. I related to the Julia Roberts character like you wouldn't believe. So much of what she learned throughout the movie are things that I need to learn. I need to meet people like the ones she met to help me work through my wounds and darkness and get to a place of balance and health. Where can I find such people? People who have been through similar things so they really understand the process of getting back. Where do I find people who don't ignore but instead make me talk and work through all that I've been avoiding? Where do I find people who won't give up on me and who refuse to allow me to give up on myself? Where do I find people who can teach me to live and love and enjoy life again? I want people of depth and sincerity and intelligence...and hearts that are open and giving so I can learn to be that way too.
And I really, really, REALLY want to go to Italy! I know that living in Utah, it's so much more practical to learn Spanish for my foreign language credit...but how I long to learn Italian! Oh! It's really just the most beautiful and delicious language I've ever heard.
Anyone know an attractive Italian currently living in Utah who wants to teach me to speak his language? Sigh
Anyway, back to the point of this post. I'm getting better. I can see the progress I've made and that I am making. I'm in school and I'm working toward bettering my situation. I'm working on healing and finding myself. I'm working on loving and opening myself up to believing in what I've lost and forgotten. I'm getting there.
One thing I've learned recently is to be open to learning whatever others have to teach. It's best to go into an interaction with another person with the desire to learn what they have to teach you instead of what you think you need to learn. That's one thing I understand from my recent interactions with BLJ. He can't teach me what I think I want to learn from him, he can't help me in the way I want to be helped, but he can teach me other things that I need to learn. He can't (or just won't) help me heal or find myself, but he can teach me and help me with my resume and my job search. So I'll work toward being humble and listen to and accept what he has to give me. And I'll try to be open to finding the rest of what I need in other ways or through other people (such as my school classes or friends).
I'm doing better. I'm progressing.
01 September 2010
Perspective
I don't get along well with Red personality types. I'm a blue-yellow, the two colors that clash most extremely with reds. BJL is a RED and I turn all caps BLUE when I'm interacting with him one on one. He yells and I cower. He rants his point of view and I cry uncontrollably.
His perspective of me is incorrect and unjust but he states it as fact. I don't know how to talk to him so I try to avoid him. I want to change places so I don't have to be anywhere near him anymore. He feels he has a right to tell me what to do and how to do it but he doesn't understand. He doesn't know me, doesn't know my history, doesn't understand what I'm trying to do. It's frustrating and discouraging and disappointing.
I've decided to listen to my friends and family, those who have been with me through my darkness and heartache and trouble. Those who judge me harshly without knowing me don't get to have a say anymore. I've listened to them too long and that's why I'm in this condition. My voice, God's voice, Bestest Friend's voice...those are the ones I need to listen to and take to heart. Those are the ones I can trust. God and Bestest Friend are kind and gentle, but honest and forthright. They see me as I have been, as I am, and as I can become. They support me and guide me gently through the storms and strife. They bring peace and solace.
His perspective of me is incorrect and unjust but he states it as fact. I don't know how to talk to him so I try to avoid him. I want to change places so I don't have to be anywhere near him anymore. He feels he has a right to tell me what to do and how to do it but he doesn't understand. He doesn't know me, doesn't know my history, doesn't understand what I'm trying to do. It's frustrating and discouraging and disappointing.
I've decided to listen to my friends and family, those who have been with me through my darkness and heartache and trouble. Those who judge me harshly without knowing me don't get to have a say anymore. I've listened to them too long and that's why I'm in this condition. My voice, God's voice, Bestest Friend's voice...those are the ones I need to listen to and take to heart. Those are the ones I can trust. God and Bestest Friend are kind and gentle, but honest and forthright. They see me as I have been, as I am, and as I can become. They support me and guide me gently through the storms and strife. They bring peace and solace.
Too Sorry?
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I'm still in school
I'm sorry that I don't have a job
I'm sorry that I'm not married
I'm sorry that I'm not even dating
I'm sorry that I worry too much
I'm sorry that I haven't figured things out by now
I'm sorry that I'm not very good with budgeting time or money
I'm sorry that I get mad sometimes
I'm sorry that I've been bitter so long
I'm sorry that I cry too easily sometimes
I'm sorry that I have different opinions
I'm sorry that I watch too much TV
I'm sorry that I'm late
I'm sorry that I have headaches
I'm sorry that I have allergies
I'm sorry that I don't serve more
I'm sorry that I am self-centered sometimes
I'm sorry that I don't have better clothes
I'm sorry that I don't have perfect teeth or hair or skin
I'm sorry that I'm out of shape and a little over weight
I'm sorry that I'm so tired all the time
I'm sorry that I care a little too much sometimes
I'm sorry that I'm afraid, and that I allow that fear to hold me back
I'm sorry that I have different priorities than you do
I'm sorry that I'm repetitive
I'm sorry that I'm not better at life
I'm sorry that I don't listen very well sometimes
I'm sorry that I learned too late what really matters
I'm sorry that I haven't written in so long
I'm sorry that I take things too seriously sometimes
I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be
I'm sorry that I get mean when I'm frustrated
I'm sorry that I'm not more meek and submissive
I'm sorry that I don't express myself very well
I'm sorry that I can be confusing
I'm sorry that I haven't been a better friend
I'm sorry that I can't make up my mind
I'm sorry that I can be too sensitive
I'm sorry that I use the wrong words sometimes
I'm sorry that I'm so very sorry
I'm sorry that I'm still in school
I'm sorry that I don't have a job
I'm sorry that I'm not married
I'm sorry that I'm not even dating
I'm sorry that I worry too much
I'm sorry that I haven't figured things out by now
I'm sorry that I'm not very good with budgeting time or money
I'm sorry that I get mad sometimes
I'm sorry that I've been bitter so long
I'm sorry that I cry too easily sometimes
I'm sorry that I have different opinions
I'm sorry that I watch too much TV
I'm sorry that I'm late
I'm sorry that I have headaches
I'm sorry that I have allergies
I'm sorry that I don't serve more
I'm sorry that I am self-centered sometimes
I'm sorry that I don't have better clothes
I'm sorry that I don't have perfect teeth or hair or skin
I'm sorry that I'm out of shape and a little over weight
I'm sorry that I'm so tired all the time
I'm sorry that I care a little too much sometimes
I'm sorry that I'm afraid, and that I allow that fear to hold me back
I'm sorry that I have different priorities than you do
I'm sorry that I'm repetitive
I'm sorry that I'm not better at life
I'm sorry that I don't listen very well sometimes
I'm sorry that I learned too late what really matters
I'm sorry that I haven't written in so long
I'm sorry that I take things too seriously sometimes
I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be
I'm sorry that I get mean when I'm frustrated
I'm sorry that I'm not more meek and submissive
I'm sorry that I don't express myself very well
I'm sorry that I can be confusing
I'm sorry that I haven't been a better friend
I'm sorry that I can't make up my mind
I'm sorry that I can be too sensitive
I'm sorry that I use the wrong words sometimes
I'm sorry that I'm so very sorry
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