he's stressed and in a rough moment in life, i understand that and i'm trying to convince myself not to take personally his sudden stiffness. no "i love you" last night. no "morning beautiful" this morning. does he stop loving when life gets rough...or does he just lose the ability to express what he still feels?
or was it even love to begin with?
he's held on through my wishy-washy hesitations, through pms and illness...seems like love. guess it's my turn to be patient and loving until he comes back around. he won't let me help him, maybe because i said i couldn't. i realized i was being stupid and cowardly and selfish. i forgot to be a friend...not just a lover. i'll be better about that in the future. at least i'll try.
22 January 2013
what is love? baby don't hurt me...
what is love? is it timing? is it endurance? is it feeling or physical attraction or emotional and intellectual intimacy? is it words or actions?
love isn't one or another i suppose, it's a combination of a lot of things...
for me, love takes time. i can count on one hand the people i tell on a regular basis that i love them. i have a very difficult time saying the words. even if i feel it, i don't often say it. i know it's important for people to hear, i try to let people know how i feel about them, but my heart is basically locked in a fortress and i'm extremely cautious about who i trust with access. after all i've been through, my heart is not free to truly love until i am certain the other heart is also free and willing and able to love me completely.
after the weasel, then Bobpi, it took time for me to find myself. i didn't know how to be alone. i hadn't been alone, just me, in a long time. i didn't know who i was before i was with them, so who i became with them was not truly me, it was some warped version i formed from who i thought they wanted me to be. after they were gone, it took time to recover, then more time to find my true self. i see now that being alone was good for me at the time. of course, while i was alone, all i wanted was to be with someone, anyone just so i wouldn't be alone.
just as i was finally adjusting to being content on my own, someone new showed up. i had begun the process of finding myself, but it wasn't complete. he came out of nowhere. he came quickly and took me off guard (in some ways) and completely on guard (in other ways). i let myself get lost in him for a moment, then realized i was losing myself and backed off a bit. the situation surrounding his current life is tenuous and precarious. he told me the other day that he doesn't know who he is anymore. i'm not sure how to love someone i don't know...and how can i know someone who doesn't know himself?
generally, i care very deeply for him, the parts of him i have come to know anyway, but it is going to take a lot more time for me to know him enough to truly and deeply love him...and for me to trust him when he says he loves me. i believe he wants to love me, and perhaps he does to some degree, but real, true, lasting love takes time and effort and endurance.
i've been super stressed for the last couple of months, and anyone who knows me knows i do not handle stress well. since the holidays ended, i've finally had a little time to decompress. i've been going nonstop for months and so when i finally had a moment to stop and catch my breath, i got sick.
he's super stressed right now because he has to move by the end of the week. i can't help him...but only partially because i'm sick...partially because...it feels like something he needs to do without me. i'm not part of that life. i have no need or desire to be part of that life. i've been working on leaving the past behind me, and focusing on the present and the future. i don't need to know every detail of who he was in order to love who he is or who he will be. i know enough. he may need to sort through where he's been, but i've done enough of sorting through my own past, i can't help him without losing myself. i'll help him with the future, but only after he's taken a few more steps into the present and away from the past. it's all a little too complicated right now.
i don't know where to stand or quite how to love just yet. i'm willing to give it time.
love isn't one or another i suppose, it's a combination of a lot of things...
for me, love takes time. i can count on one hand the people i tell on a regular basis that i love them. i have a very difficult time saying the words. even if i feel it, i don't often say it. i know it's important for people to hear, i try to let people know how i feel about them, but my heart is basically locked in a fortress and i'm extremely cautious about who i trust with access. after all i've been through, my heart is not free to truly love until i am certain the other heart is also free and willing and able to love me completely.
after the weasel, then Bobpi, it took time for me to find myself. i didn't know how to be alone. i hadn't been alone, just me, in a long time. i didn't know who i was before i was with them, so who i became with them was not truly me, it was some warped version i formed from who i thought they wanted me to be. after they were gone, it took time to recover, then more time to find my true self. i see now that being alone was good for me at the time. of course, while i was alone, all i wanted was to be with someone, anyone just so i wouldn't be alone.
just as i was finally adjusting to being content on my own, someone new showed up. i had begun the process of finding myself, but it wasn't complete. he came out of nowhere. he came quickly and took me off guard (in some ways) and completely on guard (in other ways). i let myself get lost in him for a moment, then realized i was losing myself and backed off a bit. the situation surrounding his current life is tenuous and precarious. he told me the other day that he doesn't know who he is anymore. i'm not sure how to love someone i don't know...and how can i know someone who doesn't know himself?
generally, i care very deeply for him, the parts of him i have come to know anyway, but it is going to take a lot more time for me to know him enough to truly and deeply love him...and for me to trust him when he says he loves me. i believe he wants to love me, and perhaps he does to some degree, but real, true, lasting love takes time and effort and endurance.
i've been super stressed for the last couple of months, and anyone who knows me knows i do not handle stress well. since the holidays ended, i've finally had a little time to decompress. i've been going nonstop for months and so when i finally had a moment to stop and catch my breath, i got sick.
he's super stressed right now because he has to move by the end of the week. i can't help him...but only partially because i'm sick...partially because...it feels like something he needs to do without me. i'm not part of that life. i have no need or desire to be part of that life. i've been working on leaving the past behind me, and focusing on the present and the future. i don't need to know every detail of who he was in order to love who he is or who he will be. i know enough. he may need to sort through where he's been, but i've done enough of sorting through my own past, i can't help him without losing myself. i'll help him with the future, but only after he's taken a few more steps into the present and away from the past. it's all a little too complicated right now.
i don't know where to stand or quite how to love just yet. i'm willing to give it time.
16 January 2013
i miss you
writing is difficult. not that i have nothing to say, quite the opposite, really. the trouble is i currently do not feel at liberty to talk about any of it. i'm keeping secrets, which probably means i ought to make some changes...secrets are fun in theory, but stressful in actuality.
it's been weeks since i've talked with Bestest Friend or Will. they're my confidants, my conscience, my sanity; i'm too easily confused and overwhelmed without them. it's no one's fault, just life and being busy. i asked Will if we could have lunch...either he forgot or was just busy, but it didn't matter because i ended up working all day anyway.
i'm so tired of work. generally, i still love my job. i'd rather work with books than anything else, and i love my coworkers...but customers make me anxious and grouchy, and the pay is terrible. i really need to find something that pays better and offers benefits...but where? i don't have any desire for a career...i have no desire for a job at all...i should have been a mother by now, but i'm seriously doubting that will ever happen. i'm discouraged and exhausted and borderline hopeless at the moment. i know everything will get better. i know it's not as bleak as it feels...i just wish i could fast forward to the better parts and skip over some of the frustration and disappointment.
i miss writing.
i miss Bestest Friend.
i miss Will.
i miss...someone i don't think i've met yet, though i'm not sure exactly who or how to explain that. i feel so lonely sometimes, though i try not to think about it.
i don't write because to write well, i have to feel it...but i don't want to feel. feeling nothing just seems more functional than feeling what i'm afraid i'll feel if i let the dam release. i'm so conflicted.
i miss me...
it's been weeks since i've talked with Bestest Friend or Will. they're my confidants, my conscience, my sanity; i'm too easily confused and overwhelmed without them. it's no one's fault, just life and being busy. i asked Will if we could have lunch...either he forgot or was just busy, but it didn't matter because i ended up working all day anyway.
i'm so tired of work. generally, i still love my job. i'd rather work with books than anything else, and i love my coworkers...but customers make me anxious and grouchy, and the pay is terrible. i really need to find something that pays better and offers benefits...but where? i don't have any desire for a career...i have no desire for a job at all...i should have been a mother by now, but i'm seriously doubting that will ever happen. i'm discouraged and exhausted and borderline hopeless at the moment. i know everything will get better. i know it's not as bleak as it feels...i just wish i could fast forward to the better parts and skip over some of the frustration and disappointment.
i miss writing.
i miss Bestest Friend.
i miss Will.
i miss...someone i don't think i've met yet, though i'm not sure exactly who or how to explain that. i feel so lonely sometimes, though i try not to think about it.
i don't write because to write well, i have to feel it...but i don't want to feel. feeling nothing just seems more functional than feeling what i'm afraid i'll feel if i let the dam release. i'm so conflicted.
i miss me...
23 December 2012
i cannot find the way
life is so hard sometimes. making decisions, living with decisions that have been made, making mistakes and trying to clean up and learn from the mess. i've not been in the best mood recently. it's been a difficult couple of months. this time of year is always rough for me...but for some reason this year feels harder. i've made some big, dumb mistakes and i'm paying for them right now. i have some decisions i've been avoiding, and i'm paying for that too. my stress level is nearing the stars, and i may be headed for a breakdown. not sure. i need some help, but as usual, i'm not sure where to turn. i just don't know what to do.
21 December 2012
haunted
there you are again...popping up, unwanted, unbidden...reminder of pieces of me i never wanted to see again. will you always haunt me? my life, my dreams? my every attempt to break free and become new? always there, somewhere, lurking in the cracks and crannies of my distress and insecurity. the last communication i sent informed that you are the worst villain and my life's destruction. my fears and shards and infected wounds still throb and swell because of you.
but it's me, not you. the memory of my weakness and complete stupidity keeps me reeling and wasted. how can i ever patch the holes and stitch the cavernous crevices of my still troubled self? write more? i've already wasted so many...too, too many words on you. yet here i am, 4am and afraid to sleep. i don't want to see you...miss you...hate you again in my dreams.
but it's me, not you. the memory of my weakness and complete stupidity keeps me reeling and wasted. how can i ever patch the holes and stitch the cavernous crevices of my still troubled self? write more? i've already wasted so many...too, too many words on you. yet here i am, 4am and afraid to sleep. i don't want to see you...miss you...hate you again in my dreams.
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