it was after 6pm before i heard from him today. really? i know he was super busy all day, it was moving day...but he could have sent a good morning text before he started...at least a "thanks" or a smile in response to my "good luck" text this morning. better yet, he could have let me help him move. i offered, told him to say when, but he wanted nothing to do with me all week. so how am i to believe him when he says he wants to see me?...after he's done unpacking. why does unpacking come before someone he claims to love? i'm panicking and in great need of affection and reassurance, and yet boxes of stuff are more important?
i've tried to be understanding and patient with his carelessness and insensitivity, i know he's been stressed...but i don't really understand why. there must be more to the situation than just a week of packing and moving. i packed and moved myself all in one day, a couple of times, without any help at all...true he had a houseful of stuff and i only ever had a couple of rooms worth, but it's all just stuff.
it's been a really rough year so far. illness, stress, heartbreak...and it's not even the end of January yet. i hope it can only go up from here. i really think i'm due a good year. it's been a while. i guess the one good thing is that i'm finally starting to write again. sorry it's been so depressed and plaintive. i'll work on coming up with something more positive or entertaining to write about in the near future. so sorry, but thank you for listening.
27 January 2013
26 January 2013
turn around, bright eyes
he said he missed me. he said he wished he could stop by and give me the embrace i needed...it was within his power to do so, and yet, he did not see it that way, so i remained unhugged. but not alone.
my dear girl friends were there for me, without even realizing the unrest bubbling inside of me. they love me. they remind me that i'm not alone. they make me laugh and all but forget the trouble and heartache.
of course, his texts helped a little too. except that i didn't know what to say. i didn't know what i was aloud to say. i still don't know when i'll see him, when things will be again as they were not a week ago. it was comforting to be told that he was thinking of me and missed me. i was convinced he wanted nothing more to do with me. i don't know what to think, or feel, or do. so i'll wait for his cue.
my dear girl friends were there for me, without even realizing the unrest bubbling inside of me. they love me. they remind me that i'm not alone. they make me laugh and all but forget the trouble and heartache.
of course, his texts helped a little too. except that i didn't know what to say. i didn't know what i was aloud to say. i still don't know when i'll see him, when things will be again as they were not a week ago. it was comforting to be told that he was thinking of me and missed me. i was convinced he wanted nothing more to do with me. i don't know what to think, or feel, or do. so i'll wait for his cue.
25 January 2013
silence
i guess i'm working on my patience. at least he said good morning...haven't heard from him at all otherwise. i should have had him stop by last night. a hug would help. really, a word, just one or two would help. sudden silence leaves me with too many questions, too much insecurity. will he disappear? will he talk to me again? when? days? weeks? months? i never know. not knowing hurts.
would being alone be better than this uncertainty? would being alone hurt less...or more?
"life is pain" so is love....
would being alone be better than this uncertainty? would being alone hurt less...or more?
"life is pain" so is love....
all i ever wanted
love. all i want, all i have ever wanted, all i will ever want is love. one person who loves me more than anyone or anything; one person to confide in, to trust with my heart and my everything; one person i can always depend on and who always depends on me. i'm not sure he exists. have bought too much into the fairy tales and chick flicks? do i ask too much? probably.
over the years i've collected bits and pieces of my ideal husband, through boyfriends and boys who are just friends. will i have to content myself with memories of this patchwork kind of love? i'm grateful for the good with which i've been blessed, i know i don't focus enough on the good arts of the relationships i've had. i focus too much on what i lack or on what has hurt me instead of on what has brought happiness to my life...fleeting though it has been. love is all i've ever wanted and i don't know how to be lastingly happy without it.
i have learned to surround myself with friends who help to bridge the chasm, they make me smile, give me reasons to keep trying, keep hoping there's more than the monotony and heartbreak of life. i adore my friends and am so grateful for them, but there are some crevices they cannot fill, some aches they cannot soothe, some needs they cannot relieve.
tonight as i lie in the dark, staring into the loneliness of night, i miss that ever illusive love of my life more than i have in a long time. for quite a while i convinced myself that he didn't exist. three years alone will do that to a person...but recently i've let myself daydream again, little by little i've let hope creep back in. with the hope come the heartache and reality of lack and want. i'd like to let myself believe i'm getting close...but do i dare? i don't know. as usual, only time will tell.
over the years i've collected bits and pieces of my ideal husband, through boyfriends and boys who are just friends. will i have to content myself with memories of this patchwork kind of love? i'm grateful for the good with which i've been blessed, i know i don't focus enough on the good arts of the relationships i've had. i focus too much on what i lack or on what has hurt me instead of on what has brought happiness to my life...fleeting though it has been. love is all i've ever wanted and i don't know how to be lastingly happy without it.
i have learned to surround myself with friends who help to bridge the chasm, they make me smile, give me reasons to keep trying, keep hoping there's more than the monotony and heartbreak of life. i adore my friends and am so grateful for them, but there are some crevices they cannot fill, some aches they cannot soothe, some needs they cannot relieve.
tonight as i lie in the dark, staring into the loneliness of night, i miss that ever illusive love of my life more than i have in a long time. for quite a while i convinced myself that he didn't exist. three years alone will do that to a person...but recently i've let myself daydream again, little by little i've let hope creep back in. with the hope come the heartache and reality of lack and want. i'd like to let myself believe i'm getting close...but do i dare? i don't know. as usual, only time will tell.
24 January 2013
misunderstanding
he said some things tonight that really hurt. daggers. little daggers, but even small cuts hurt. he said he didn't mean it the way he said it, which is probably true. maybe i'm tainting the present with the past. maybe i'm overly sensitive from being so stressed and sick for so long. maybe i'm afraid, or self sabotaging (as i am apt to do), or putting up defenses of my own. all i know is that his sudden "distance" (expected and warned against though i may have been, he did not explain what it meant or what it would look like) hurts and feels a lot like what other guys have done before; there when it's convenient, gone when it suits him regardless of how it affects me. i dropped my defense and reached out to aid his need, just to have my offer coldly and unceremoniously rejected. no explanation, no kindness to buffer the blow. there are ways of saying "i need time away from you" without making the other person feel rejected, neglected, unwanted, unnecessary, unloved.
it's like a switch was suddenly flipped and everything changed. he was so affectionate and attentive and constantly wanting me...then suddenly he wanted nothing to do with me, i was a bother instead of the balm i could have been. i can be very useful in situations where time is short and organization is necessary. i know, at first i was afraid and selfish and said i couldn't help...i didn't even give him a chance to ask for help before i told him i couldn't. when i realized i was acting out of fear i tried to correct my mistake, but it backfired and i got hurt.
it really scares me and my initial instinct is to run away. i want to give him back his wii and tell him to not talk to me again. i'm so tired of being hurt by people who claim to love me. i understand that this time it's unintentional. i understand that he thought he warned me and he didn't realize that pulling way like he has this week would hurt me so much. i tried not to let it get to me because i know he's having a terribly hard time right now. i didn't communicate my feelings and he didn't communicate his.
i'm not going to run. i'm not going to ask him to vacate my life. i'm going to step back, give him space and time...and silence, now that i understand that's what he wanted but didn't ask for...and i'll wait. this can't happen again, not this way, or i will walk away, but i can't send him packing over one misunderstanding.
he is not the weasel. he is not the other scumbags i've kicked out of my life. he's a good man with a heart that has been strained and wounded. he's a good man who has been kicked around and beat up by life a little too much this past year. he's a good man who maybe hasn't had great experience with communicating on a personal level. he's a good man, and that's the important part. he's a good man and recently he's been my good man and i'm grateful for his goodness.
i really care about him and it's really hard for me to see someone i really care for struggling and not be able to help them. i can heal, i can soothe, i can fill emptiness and give comfort and encouragement. i help people by loving them and understanding them and giving them what they need in order to move through what they are currently struggling with and onto better things and places. this time i got lost in my own need. it's so hard to create and maintain boundaries when my own heart and need get involved. this is why i can't be a therapist. sigh.
anyway, i'm feeling better about what happened between us tonight. i guess i just needed to write it out so i could figure out exactly what caused the trouble and my somewhat irrational response.
i miss Bestest Friend, i miss Will, and now i miss him too...i'm too distant, too far removed from love and affection and my sources of comfort and i panicked. my abandonment issues and fear of losing those i love and being always alone took hold and i didn't deal with it very well. i responded emotionally instead of logically...mostly...i took some time to temper my response, so it wasn't explosively emotional like it could have been.
perhaps i should have posted this in my therapy blog instead of publicly...please let me know if i've shared too much. i needed a friend tonight and none were available, so here i am, writing to the void once again. thanks for listening dear void.
it's like a switch was suddenly flipped and everything changed. he was so affectionate and attentive and constantly wanting me...then suddenly he wanted nothing to do with me, i was a bother instead of the balm i could have been. i can be very useful in situations where time is short and organization is necessary. i know, at first i was afraid and selfish and said i couldn't help...i didn't even give him a chance to ask for help before i told him i couldn't. when i realized i was acting out of fear i tried to correct my mistake, but it backfired and i got hurt.
it really scares me and my initial instinct is to run away. i want to give him back his wii and tell him to not talk to me again. i'm so tired of being hurt by people who claim to love me. i understand that this time it's unintentional. i understand that he thought he warned me and he didn't realize that pulling way like he has this week would hurt me so much. i tried not to let it get to me because i know he's having a terribly hard time right now. i didn't communicate my feelings and he didn't communicate his.
i'm not going to run. i'm not going to ask him to vacate my life. i'm going to step back, give him space and time...and silence, now that i understand that's what he wanted but didn't ask for...and i'll wait. this can't happen again, not this way, or i will walk away, but i can't send him packing over one misunderstanding.
he is not the weasel. he is not the other scumbags i've kicked out of my life. he's a good man with a heart that has been strained and wounded. he's a good man who has been kicked around and beat up by life a little too much this past year. he's a good man who maybe hasn't had great experience with communicating on a personal level. he's a good man, and that's the important part. he's a good man and recently he's been my good man and i'm grateful for his goodness.
i really care about him and it's really hard for me to see someone i really care for struggling and not be able to help them. i can heal, i can soothe, i can fill emptiness and give comfort and encouragement. i help people by loving them and understanding them and giving them what they need in order to move through what they are currently struggling with and onto better things and places. this time i got lost in my own need. it's so hard to create and maintain boundaries when my own heart and need get involved. this is why i can't be a therapist. sigh.
anyway, i'm feeling better about what happened between us tonight. i guess i just needed to write it out so i could figure out exactly what caused the trouble and my somewhat irrational response.
i miss Bestest Friend, i miss Will, and now i miss him too...i'm too distant, too far removed from love and affection and my sources of comfort and i panicked. my abandonment issues and fear of losing those i love and being always alone took hold and i didn't deal with it very well. i responded emotionally instead of logically...mostly...i took some time to temper my response, so it wasn't explosively emotional like it could have been.
perhaps i should have posted this in my therapy blog instead of publicly...please let me know if i've shared too much. i needed a friend tonight and none were available, so here i am, writing to the void once again. thanks for listening dear void.
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