misunderstanding

he said some things tonight that really hurt.  daggers.  little daggers, but even small cuts hurt.  he said he didn't mean it the way he said it, which is probably true.  maybe i'm tainting the present with the past.  maybe i'm overly sensitive from being so stressed and sick for so long.  maybe i'm afraid, or self sabotaging (as i am apt to do), or putting up defenses of my own.  all i know is that his sudden "distance" (expected and warned against though i may have been, he did not explain what it meant or what it would look like) hurts and feels a lot like what other guys have done before; there when it's convenient, gone when it suits him regardless of how it affects me.  i dropped my defense and reached out to aid his need, just to have my offer coldly and unceremoniously rejected.  no explanation, no kindness to buffer the blow.  there are ways of saying "i need time away from you" without making the other person feel rejected, neglected, unwanted, unnecessary, unloved.

it's like a switch was suddenly flipped and everything changed.  he was so affectionate and attentive and constantly wanting me...then suddenly he wanted nothing to do with me, i was a bother instead of the balm i could have been.  i can be very useful in situations where time is short and organization is necessary.  i know, at first i was afraid and selfish and said i couldn't help...i didn't even give him a chance to ask for help before i told him i couldn't.  when i realized i was acting out of fear i tried to correct my mistake, but it backfired and i got hurt. 

it really scares me and my initial instinct is to run away.  i want to give him back his wii and tell him to not talk to me again.  i'm so tired of being hurt by people who claim to love me.  i understand that this time it's unintentional.  i understand that he thought he warned me and he didn't realize that pulling way like he has this week would hurt me so much.  i tried not to let it get to me because i know he's having a terribly hard time right now.  i didn't communicate my feelings and he didn't communicate his.

i'm not going to run.  i'm not going to ask him to vacate my life.  i'm going to step back, give him space and time...and silence, now that i understand that's what he wanted but didn't ask for...and i'll wait.  this can't happen again, not this way, or i will walk away, but i can't send him packing over one misunderstanding. 

he is not the weasel.  he is not the other scumbags i've kicked out of my life.  he's a good man with a heart that has been strained and wounded.  he's a good man who has been kicked around and beat up by life a little too much this past year.  he's a good man who maybe hasn't had great experience with communicating on a personal level.  he's a good man, and that's the important part.  he's a good man and recently he's been my good man and i'm grateful for his goodness. 

i really care about him and it's really hard for me to see someone i really care for struggling and not be able to help them.  i can heal, i can soothe, i can fill emptiness and give comfort and encouragement.  i help people by loving them and understanding them and giving them what they need in order to move through what they are currently struggling with and onto better things and places.  this time i got lost in my own need.  it's so hard to create and maintain boundaries when my own heart and need get involved.  this is why i can't be a therapist.  sigh.

anyway, i'm feeling better about what happened between us tonight.  i guess i just needed to write it out so i could figure out exactly what caused the trouble and my somewhat irrational response. 

i miss Bestest Friend, i miss Will, and now i miss him too...i'm too distant, too far removed from love and affection and my sources of comfort and i panicked.  my abandonment issues and fear of losing those i love and being always alone took hold and i didn't deal with it very well.  i responded emotionally instead of logically...mostly...i took some time to temper my response, so it wasn't explosively emotional like it could have been. 

perhaps i should have posted this in my therapy blog instead of publicly...please let me know if i've shared too much.  i needed a friend tonight and none were available, so here i am, writing to the void once again.  thanks for listening dear void.