Yesterday was rough. I've been sick and taking medicine to help me sleep. This medicine is pretty good at making me not cough, but it's also good at making me depressed. No matter how I tried I couldn't shake the blues...and what's worse, I couldn't stop the irrational thoughts from spinning through my mind and dragging me down even more.
Certain statements made by people I no longer regard as friends pummeled my mind until I couldn't see straight. I knew they were lies but they seemed so plausible and applicable that in my physically ill and therefore weakened state, I was defenseless. I went for a walk. I prayed. I tried to focus on homework. Even TV (my usual distracting retreat) didn't help. The later it got, the more discouraged I became. I was convinced that I was nothing more than a burden to all the people in my life, and that they only hung out with me as a last resort because they had nothing better to do, or because they hoped that someone "better" would also show up.
Z didn't want to have movie night (which, of course, I took personally, thinking he just didn't want to be around me), so I had sent out a text earlier in the day saying we'd have it at my house instead. But as the night wore on and more people said they weren't going to make it, I decided it would be best to cancel. So I sent a text out. A couple of the girls expressed disappointment and concern. I wondered if some people might actually really care about me and enjoy being around me after all. I talked with The Artist on the phone instead of texting him, that helped too; he and I are pretty much back to normal, thankfully.
I sent the cancellation text to everyone except Z because he'd sounded like he wasn't available anyway...but also with the slightest sliver of hope that he would stop by and we could have a moment to chat. I've been wanting to talk with him, just one on one, for a while but there are always so many other people around.
I was in my room, trying to force myself to focus on homework, but actually thinking instead about what a dope I was for hoping for impossible things, when I heard a car pull up outside. I peeked through the window and to my great delight and utter amazement, I saw Z walking up the driveway. He knocked and I opened the door.
"Hi," I smiled awkwardly and he stepped in. "I didn't think you were coming."
"Well I can't stay long but thought I'd stop by for a few minutes."
"I canceled movie night. I didn't tell you because I thought you weren't available. But you can come in for a bit if you want. I've been wanting to chat with you actually."
"What about?" We sat together on the love seat in the pink room, the light from the hallway making a path through the darkness. I don't know why but I feel most comfortable talking in the almost darkness.
"Nothing really...anything...I just like chatting with you but there are always so many people around. Actually, to be honest, I didn't tell you movie night was canceled because I hoped you'd come." He laughed at my awkward confession but leaned back and made himself comfortable.
He showed up around 8:30pm and stayed until 10pm. It was really nice to talk with him without other people around. He allows himself to be open and vulnerable with me. And for reasons I don't understand I feel completely safe and secure with him. I told him my insecurities and fears and he reassured me that he actually really likes being friends and spending time with me. His sincerity and willingness to confide in me put me completely at ease.
The more I get to know him, the more time I spend with him, the more I adore him.
That moment with Z reminded me (in a time of great need) that God really does love me...and that other people love me. I need to focus on the present and the future and stop allowing the past (and the hurtful lies of the past) to taint my present. I'm better than I think I am. I'm stronger and more capable than I give myself credit for being. I just need to find the confidence to be...better than I think I am.
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