Friends

The Artist and I have been talking a lot recently. We're back to where we were before the weird summer absurdity. He's pretty much my best friend right now because he's the one I can talk to and he gets me. We've been good friends long enough that we're settled into our roles in each others' lives. I'm grateful that we're only friends forever.

Tonight I'm sad. I could feel it coming. I knew things were shifting and I knew the dynamic was changing. It's been impending for a couple of weeks and I've been trying to ignore it...but now it's here and I'm not ready. The Artist tried to console me tonight. At least I know he'll still be around. It's been just the two of us before, we can see each other through again.

I don't really know what happened this time. I was happy, at least content. Then my joy became complete when I finally started writing again. For one brief moment everything was right and good. Then I got caught up in the romance of my poetry and lost sight of reality. Anxiety set in (because the thoughts and feelings weren't congruent, and yet I tried to make them fit) and I made a choice. Things were already shifting anyway, he had been pulling away for reasons unexplained. So I confessed. Now I'm pretty sure my Muse is dead.

It'll be okay...I mean, I'll find a new Muse, no big deal there...but I don't like the idea of losing another friend. I don't know where he suddenly came from but he was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed...and I'm grateful for his influence over the last few months...
I know I need to stop needing, stop clinging, just accept that everyone will leave at one point or another, but I'm not ready.

The Artist is going to start going to a different ward, one for 25-35 year old singles. He's visited already but has now pretty much made the decision that it's where he needs to be. Tonight he was encouraging me to check it out too. I know it's probably a good idea. I'm now pretty much the oldest girl in my ward (with one or two exceptions) and it would be nice to be one of the younger ones again. It would be nice to meet some new guys who are older than me too, I'm not meeting them anywhere else. Maybe I should. Next week perhaps. I can go to my ward and the other ward because the older ward doesn't start till 1pm I think. It would be nice to be able to sleep in on Sundays since I can't any other day.

I'm feeling really nostalgic tonight. I miss a lot of people who have not been around for many years now. I've loved and lost so many friends over the years. With most of them I knew it was the right timing, I knew it was time for us to go in different directions. But there are a handful of people I wasn't ready to lose, and I still feel the loss; I still miss them more than most. But there's nothing to be done.

So I'm grateful for the friends I have. I'm grateful for the memories, the happy times I've shared with people I truly adore and will always remember with a smile. I'm grateful for the new memories I'm making now. This has been a really great year, one of the best ever...the good has outweighed the bad, by far. I have developed friendships with some phenomenal people. I have felt healing and progress. I've tasted happiness and revived the creativity and poetry in myself. It really has been a great year and I have been so blessed!

But now the holidays are here and the depression is more difficult to fight. If the shift I'm predicting occurs, I may decide to hibernate again this year. I have work, but otherwise I don't have anything I have to do for the next month...maybe I should just work and catch up on sleep.

I don't know. We'll see...