eventually

Sometimes your words make me feel not-so-good; and sometimes your lack of words makes me feel even worse.

I know I'm just being sensitive, but I'm starting to lose my ability to smile through when my guy friends start talking about other girls they're interested in. It's not that I'm interested in any of my guy friends either, I think the trouble is that I'm starting to fear that no one will ever talk like that about me again. I wasted so much time with the wrong guys, not realizing that I deserved and could have someone better who actually treated me well, someone who actually loved me...and now I've lost my appeal and all I'm good for is to be a friend who listens about all the other girls who are better and more attractive than me. Why don't they know that it hurts? Why don't they know that it makes me feel bad to hear about how great she is, when no one is telling me how great I am? Because I don't tell them. I want them to talk to me. I want to be a good friend and be there for them; I'm the one who picks up the pieces when they come back disappointed and heartbroken...but I also want someone to feel that way about me. And I want to feel that way about someone. I don't know where to find men that I'm attracted to. There is absolutely no one appealing in my life and it's getting really discouraging. I know, it happens when you least expect; he'll come out of nowhere...la la la, whatever...but I'm getting really tired of waiting.

Most of the time it's really great and I'm so grateful to have such good guy friends in my life. They fill that gaping void a little, at least make it more bearable while I'm waiting. They're a good distraction and they are a lot of fun. It's just those moments when they start talking about the other girls...the ones who I am nothing like. I think I'm pretty darn spectacular and any guy would be lucky to have me...but they don't seem to see it that way. I'm good enough to spend hours with every day in the week, and yet, I'm not good for more? Not fair.

Ok, so there's my little tantrum. Now I'll go back to the faith. I know that somewhere out there is a man who will see all the spectacular in me. Someday I'll be the one who consumes his every waking (and dreaming) thought. I'll be the one he can't wait to talk to, can't wait to see and hold in his arms. I'll be the most beautiful and amazing woman he's ever known. Someday I'll be loved.

Until then, I'm happy with my friends (girls and guys). I'm content to just have people around who like to be around me. Tonight Fozzy said my house is like the "clubhouse; the place to be". I've been told that my house is comfortable, cozy, inviting, fun, and generally a place where people like to just come and chill. People like to be around me because I'm content, happy, fun, kind, interested in them, loving, understanding, and relaxed. I don't get offended easily. I don't show when I'm hurt or upset (most of the time). And I just let things roll off because I finally came to understand that life is too short to worry about stuff. It hurts when I don't get invited to stuff...it's been happening a lot with certain people and I don't know why. But hey, whatever, I have other people who do love me and who do invite me to things. And, they are the ones who come when I call. I guess I should be comforted in that fact. Maybe they aren't saying how wonderful I am with their words...but they do say it in their actions: they keep coming around and then they stay until 1am, 2am, 3am. They wouldn't do that if they didn't like me. They'd find somewhere else to be. They wouldn't come when I call. So there, non-verbals screaming at me, I guess I'll pay attention and stop the pity party over feeling undesired.

Eventually it'll all work out and things will fall into place and someone will love me and the friends worth having will stick around and I'll stop fretting about it. Eventually I'll get it.