Whenever things start going well, whenever I start to feel happy about the friendships and relationships I am enjoying, I always get paranoid.
"If we just keep our eyes wide open then everything will stay the same."
This is part of the reason for my recent insomnia. I don't want to go to sleep and wake to find them all gone. A few in particular.
Tuesday night was one of those moments. We had planned to ride together but my attempts at repairing my car took longer than expected. By the time it was drivable again I was already late. I decided to go anyway, hoping to catch at least half. I got there just before intermission. When I walked in, I saw him sitting alone at the other end of an empty row. Of course I sat by him.
When it was over we walked out together and he mentioned his next activity. I asked if he'd mind if I tagged along to the music store around the corner. After browsing a bit he purchased a CD and we left. Standing on the curb in the light of the streetlamp, he asked what I was doing next. At 10pm I thought of my bed but shrugged instead. He said he needed to do some homework and was planning to watch a movie then proceeded to invite himself to my house for a movie/homework party.
We didn't talk much, just watched some random stuff on TV while I studied Spanish and he worked on homework. He gave me a new nickname: La Rue. When his eyes and brain were too tired to focus on homework he opened the new CD and pulled out the liner notes while importing. He read the lyrics to some of the songs as though reading poetry...
By this time I had set my Spanish aside and was curled up on the couch next to him. He said I could kick him out when I needed to go to bed. I wanted so say I could never kick him out, that I wished he would never leave, but I couldn't say that. I wanted to say that I'd endure any breadth and depth of sleep deprivation in order to not have to be alone. But I didn't say that either. He left around 12:30am, insisting he needed to let me get some sleep.
Now I'm sitting on my front porch swing waiting for him and a few others to come watch a movie with me...of course that's a bit of a rouse, I don't care if we watch a movie or just sit and talk. Thursdays are my difficult days because they are the most time I spend alone all week. Earlier I felt myself slipping so I sent a message requesting a few people to come for a movie at 7pm. Now it's 8:20pm and no one is here yet. They are coming, they said they are coming so I'm not sinking. I'm just writing and doing homework.
For every "hello" there is an equal "goodbye" whether because of death or just the ever-changing motions of life, I understand this and I'm learning to be more okay with it...but I don't want it to happen yet. I know "we can't stay like this forever but" I'm soaking up all the having them "next to me today" that I can. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Right now there are more important things than sleep.
It's 3am now, they've just left and I'm deciding whether to pull an all-nighter, writing my one page paper for American Lit or just go to bed and wake up in four and a half hours with the hope that it's enough to function and write my paper later.
The conversation tonight reassured me that they (particularly him) aren't going away any time soon. It baffles me every day when I call and he comes. They like spending time with me, they like me and being around me...that realization also baffles me. People I love and want to be around also love and want to be around me? How is that possible? And yet...they came, they stayed till almost 3am. We talked and understood each other in a way that most others don't seem to these days.
Yeah, I think I'll keep my eyes open a little longer and maybe I can hold on to this until I really am ready to let go.
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