haunted

i don't know the answer.  i'm not even entirely sure of the question.
maybe...

why do i feel the need to mention the past to new people i become involved with?

it has shaped me, made me who i am (good and bad i suppose).  trying to explain the scars before they are noticed, or before they get in the way.  or maybe to put them in the way.  my scars are my defense and fear of repetition.

beware! i am damaged! do not come too close! please handle with care...

can i forget? how do i forget?

amnesia would be nice.  selective amnesia.  i'd rather have an inexplicable black hole than what i have: regret, bittersweet memories, wanting, waiting, wondering. take the good along with the bad on this one because even the untainted good is painful to remember because it is forever lacking.

why do i hold on?

i don't know how to let go without having some(one)thing else to grasp.

how is it possible to feel the most loved and the most betrayed by the same person?

true, deep, complete betrayal requires love...at least the feeling and appearance of love.  clearly it was never real, true love...

when will i be allowed to love and be loved, purely and truly?

that one only God and time (or eternity) can answer.  i am nearly bursting with affection that i don't know how to give or who to give to...the only ones who have "wanted" it are those who would steal it, tearing me and leaving me in the mud and muck.  i want to give what i have without feeling cheep, discarded, useless after.

i have so much love to give, who do i give it too?
i have a gaping aching void to be filled with love from another, but who?

it's difficult for me to know the boundaries.  when i see a need i want to fill it; when i see someone hurting i want to find a way to heal them...or at least hold them until the hurting goes away.  but my arms hesitate to reach out these days. they opened too liberally before and came back scraped and torn.  how do i guard myself against being used by those who are so needy and wretched that they leave me broken and bleeding?
i know that not all who need love and healing are like that, so how do i differentiate?  every man is not a skunkweasel, but how do i tell the difference? and is there a way to get the non-weasels to fall in love with me?
the good men don't want me that way; the bad men want only to use me.  so i avoid the bad men and resign myself to friendship with the good men, at least i'll have a bit of their influence in my life to keep me from becoming a completely bitter old shrew. 

why couldn't i have been one of the lucky who find true, good love from the beginning?  why was i one of the unlucky to fall into the den and be ravaged and wrecked?  all i've ever wanted was to love and be loved.  my intentions were pure and honest, but pure and honest was not my fate.  and now i can't let go...i can't heal and move on because i am still haunted.  he's in my writing, in my memory, in my dreams.

this is why i stopped writing.
this is why i dwell in distraction and avoidance...it's happier there.  possibility live there.

i want someone i can be completely raw and honest with and still be loved and accepted.  that is a want i don't think will ever be filled.  i was completely raw and honest once before and i fear i will forever pay the undisclosed price.  how can i ever have a healthy relationship with a good man if i can't forget where i've been and what he put me through?

will i ever heal and find peace?  i've been seeking and working and doing all i can think of but clearly i'm still lightyears away.

how do i stop allowing myself to be haunted?

it's not constant anymore.  i was recently reminded and i'm momentarily fixated.  i'll circle back away, but how do i break the wheel so i don't circle in again?

don't mind me...i'm not quite as depressed as i sound.  i'm just talking it out because i have nowhere else to put it right now and i can't leave it alone in my head.  don't worry, i'm fine, really.