sing in the deep

i'm wide awake and listening to Sara Bareilles.  something about her voice and the smoky jazz quality of her music reaches my core.  her lyrics speak to me and massage some deep ache i cling to.  it's the loss, the missing, the wanting, the waiting, the longing...

Breathe Again

by Sara Bareilles

all i have

all i need

he's the air i would kill to breathe

holds my life in his hands

still i'm searchin for something

out of breath i am left hoping someday i'll breathe again

open up next to you and my secrets become your truth

and the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view

hang my head, break my heart built from all i have torn apart

and my burden to bear is a love i can't carry anymore

all i have

all i need

he's the air i would kill to breathe

holds my love in his hands

still i'm searchin for something

out of breath i am left hoping someday i'll breathe again

Christina Perri's music is nearly the same so i created a playlist of just their songs, just the ones with the strongest affect.  sometimes i wish i drank because the idea of a glass of red wine appeals to the poet and romantic in me tonight.  but i don't drink.  so i'll sip my cran/grape juice and pretend.  maybe some candles and a steaming soak will bring the cloud burst and i can just sink into the beautiful melancholy of it all.   it's so mournfully satisfying...

The Lonely

by Christina Perri

2am where do i begin

crying off my face again

the silent sound of loneliness

wants to follow me to bed

i'm a ghost of the girl that i want to be most

i'm the shell of a girl that i used to know well

dancing slowly in an empty room

can the lonely take the place of you

i sing myself a quiet lullaby

let you go and let the lonely in

to take my heart again

too afraid to go inside

for the pain of one more loveless night

this loneliness will stay with me

and hold me till i fall asleep

i'm a ghost of the girl that i want to be most

i'm the shell of a girl that i used to know well

dancing slowly in an empty room

can the lonely take the place of you

i sing myself a quiet lullaby

let you go and let the lonely in

to take my heart again

(disclosure: the words written in this post are poetically and romantically induced and infused by the music swimming around in my head from the aforementioned ladies.  don't put too much stock in them, don't read too deeply or analyze the possible lasting significance, i'm musing and feeling and perhaps a little wallowing in emotions i've been avoiding for too long.  it's part of the process, that's all.  and it's beautiful music.  If anything written here inspires questions or concerns, feel free to ask me about it).

Bluebird

by Christina Perri

how the hell does a broken heart

get back together when it's torn apart

and teach itself to start beating again?

ba ba ba ba

tonight i'm sinking into the delicious loneliness of the artistic and poetic muse.  i'm feeling a little trapped in limbo these days.  so close, but held back from progress by a filmy sheet, paper thin but steel strong.  there's always some barrier isn't there?  fear, time, distance, pain, logistics, one small requirement that cannot be overlooked, a word, a day, a chair, an invisible line as hostile and immobilizing as the Berlin Wall.

Gravity

by Sara Bareilles 

something always brings me back to you

it never takes too long

no matter what i say or do

i still feel you here till the moment i'm gone

you hold me without touch

keep me without chains

never wanted anything so much

than to drown in you love 

and not feel your rain

set me free, leave me be

i don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity...

here i am have to stand so tall

just the way i'm supposed to be

but you're onto me and all over me

you loved me cause i'm fragile

but i thought that i was strong

but you touched me for a little while

and all my fragile strength is gone

set me free, leave me be

i don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

here i am have to stand so tall

just the way i'm supposed to be

but you're onto me and all over me

i live here on my knees as i try to make you see

that you're everything i think i need here on the ground

but you're neither friend nor foe though i can't seem to let you go

one thing that i still know is that you're keepin me down

something always brings me back to you

it never takes too long

the wall came down though...miracles happen...

why is love so illusive in my life?  i ache to give it, ache to receive it, ache to stop aching over it...

well, one particular kind of love anyway.  i am blessed to be surrounded by an abundance of other kinds of love.  love from my nephews and nieces, dear friends, siblings, friends who are like siblings, parents, uncles, coworker friends, neighbor friends, even customers and strangers sometimes lend a bit of charitable kindness in a smile or kind word.  there is love swirling around me, and yet, that pesky little most significant of loves (the kind that makes one person out of two) is not available to me.  i'm trying to convince myself that someday it will be...but tonight it's difficult because it feels like there is always some delay, some detour or giant pothole that leaves me restless and wanting...and waiting.

Hold My Heart

by Sara Bareilles

does anybody know how to hold my heart?

how to hold my heart 

cause i don't want to let go let go let go too soon

i wanna tell you so before the sun goes dark

how to hold my heart 

cause i don't wanna let go let go let go of you

is anybody listening? 

cause i'm cryin' oh

is anybody listening?

i may be somewhere on the verge of a possibility.  there are flirtations and a lot of time and words and such but there are obstacles and barriers and detours and hesitations.  i'm grateful for the friendship and the prospect.  i'm grateful for the company and kind attention.  i'm grateful for the little giddiness that has permeated my being over the last couple of days reminding me that all hope and willingness has not deserted my uncertain and fearful heart. time is needed for things to work themselves out.  i have time...and patience and fortitude.  

all i'm looking for is a moment.  whether that moment lasts weeks, months, years...duration is not my concern...i know that fleeting and forever and anything in between are all out there somewhere...i'm looking for a safe place to rest for a while.  whether friendship or more, i'm grateful for the scraps of peace and healing i've already collected.  letting myself trust and care and be vulnerable are not things that have generally come easily...but it is easy; easier than expected anyway.  

both in a mending phase, both needing someone to just be there...both willing to be there.

fortuitous friendship.

 i don't know what the present or the future holds.  all i know is that i have a heart willing and eager to love.  someday i hope to find the man who fills that aching desire to give and receive that most peculiar and all encompassing and permeating affection.  the chorus of this song kind of says it all.
whoever you are...wherever you are...

A Thousand Years

by Christina Perri

heart beats fast 

colors and promises 

how to be brave 

how can i love 

when i'm afraid to fold

but watching you stand alone

all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

one step closer

i have died every day waiting for you

darling don't be afraid i have loved you

for a thousand years

i'll love you for a thousand more