the me you see

sometimes i forget.  i'm with me all the time and so i know myself, my intentions, my humor, my intelligence, my dark and my light.  i'm afraid the brief contact you have with me over facebook or my blog paints me as a rather dismal and depressed person...and on one hand i am...on the other hand i am the opposite (not in a bipolar way though, i promise).

i guess i forget how i may be perceived.  i get so little response to anything that i figure people are just ignoring me.  the reason this is what you see of me is because it's my writing and my writing began as a sort of coping mechanism.  i've been pretty lonely and isolated a lot of my life because i'm shy and a little different than most and often misunderstood (partly because of the depression, partly because my personality, sense of humor, dreams, goals and desires would have fit better in an earlier time period and therefore, i have never really fit in with the majority of my contemporaries).  in high school, writing became my outlet and my companionship.  The Page always understands me, always listens, and is always interested in and supportive of everything i give to it.  since very few people ever comment on things i say here or on facebook, i tend to forget that anyone might be reading.  sometimes i come to these places with the vague hope that somehow my weak and admittedly rather passive-aggressive attempts to request support, validation, kindness, friendship, or sympathetic contact will be well answered. most of the time it does not turn out that way.  i am generally left alone.  i suppose i should be used to it by now.  i've never really had a mentor or someone who took notice and reached out to pull me from myself.  i have so much to give but no one wants it.  especially now.  all my friends have moved on to their own families, their husband or wife and children.  there's no room for solitary me.  this is just one more circumstance that widens the chasm between me and the rest of the world. 

i am grateful for the few who make an effort to keep contact, invite me around or come when i ask.  Bestest Friend, Shygirl and i try to get together a couple times a month...it's nowhere near enough contact for me, but i'm grateful for what they are able to give.  The Artist and his dear, sweet wife still come around a couple times a month.  i want to hang out with others of my married friends but i don't want to step on toes or get in the way of their domestic responsibilities.  i don't want to be alone anymore and i don't understand why i have to be.

i've signed up for online dating again.  it's no use.  all i get are skanky old men (seriously, 60 and 70 year olds) sending me flirts or saying my picture is pretty.  what am i going to do with a geriatric?  no thanks.  i guess i'm not phenomenal or the most beautiful or successful or whatever but i am kind of a catch and i don't understand why the nice and good men can't see that. 

recently i've been a little caught up in nostalgia the last few days.  kind of a longing for the past and a great desire to go back about 10 years and change some of the decisions i made then.  i want to soak up more of the affection that so freely flowed through the institute back then.  i miss those dear people.  i miss walking into the room and hearing a chorus of people so happy to see me, and all the arms outstretched and eager to embrace me.  i miss having something to do every day that involved at least a few, if not a whole group of people.  i miss the weasel before he was a weasel.  i miss game nights and mini road trips.  i miss movies and conversations and frisbee and Leatherby's or Village Inn or Dee's.  i miss dances and parties and just hanging out at the institute.  i miss the hope and contentment.  i miss all the single people who were so similar to myself.  i really miss the hugs.

can i go back in time for just a couple of days to revive my hope and refill my reservoir?  i don't remember the last time i had a really good hug or a satisfying conversation.  i'm so tired all the time because my reserve is empty.  i need more fillers and fewer drains in my life but i don't know where to find them.  i enjoy my job and i'm generally in a happy place when i'm there.  i love hanging out with my niece and nephews.  i love the time i do get to spend with friends.  i wish i had more time with the people i adore.  i wish i could catch up with everyone else so i could stop being left out all the time.  or i wish i could find that amazing job or the best-selling book idea and become rich, then i'd just buy more friends...ok, maybe not.

anyway, the point behind this silly tangent is that i'm more than what you see here and i'll try to be more positive and post more positive things instead of just writing as an outlet.  invite me around and you'll see i'm really quite delightful in person.