Today has been an interesting day. Waking, as I usually do, wishing only to burrow in and drift off again. But the squawking bird in the tree outside my window made further sleep impossible. So I prayed, as I do most mornings, "please help me" and crawled over and off the bed. In the shower, Primary songs filled my head. I got ready, went to church, sat through a committee meeting then into the chapel. Instead of finding an empty bench, I sat next to a girl I've talked to two or three times. Her name is Stephanie but I always want to call her Heather. Whatever, not important. We chatted until her friend, then my friends arrived. The meeting commenced as usual. The first talk was given by a man I became loosely acquainted with about 11 years ago. I love when he speaks because music is his life and passion. He talked about the great power music has to invite the Holy Ghost and encourage personal revelation. As he bore testimony, the Spirit wrapped around me and I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and the truthfulness of the gospel.
About a month ago as I drove to work, my insides were all tight and angry and bitter. When I got to work I paused in my car and had a little chat with God. I'm tired of being all tied up in angry bitter knots. Something's gotta change and I need your help. I reorganized the priorities in my head and decided I need to go to the temple once a week, really study the scriptures every day instead of just passively listening or glancing over a few verses before bed, and I need to consciously keep Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ at the forefront of my thoughts. And...I need to forgive. I've been working on forgiveness for decades, it seems, and I just couldn't quite internalize the concept. I thought I had forgiven everyone, but my anger said otherwise. So I prayed and went to the temple, even when I didn't feel like going. And at the temple, I added certain names to the list of people for patrons to pray for.
As you know from the previous post, a certain long-ago friend was pretty constantly on my mind over the last few weeks, so his name was top in my prayers. I found the forgiveness and I found the beginnings of a peace for which I've been searching most of my life. But it still wasn't quite enough.
Today, as I sat, surrounded by the Spirit, listening to the roommate of that long-ago friend speak about the incredible influence of music, I made a decision to write a note and ask said roommate to deliver it. I don't think we've ever actually said two words to each other, but I decided that if it was meant to be, the opportunity would present itself. After the meeting, as I walked into the lobby (half expecting the long-ago friend to be there, by the way I've been feeling) I spotted instead his other roommate, who is a friendly of mine. So I talked with him for a moment and gave him the note to pass on.
I don't know what the purpose is, if it's for me to express my peace and well wishes, or if it's somehow for him. I don't know. I may never know. But it felt like the right thing to do.
I've never experienced forgiveness in quite this way before. When people described it as a weight lifted, I couldn't fathom ever feeling that light...but I do. And I feel love. Where all the bitterness and hurt and fear and anger have been festering for so long, now all I feel is love and a hope that his life is good and happy.
Crazy feeling! Great feeling! Unbelievable, and yet true feeling! I hope this feeling sticks around. I'm really not the type to hold a grudge. This was an exception that I think is more about taking time to work through some major layered challenges and less about anything it seemed to be about. I'm stronger, better, and more stable than I've ever been, and this is proof.
It's about time! That's all I can say.
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