forgiving

Dear friend,

The details are hazy now, it's been a couple weeks.  I don't remember if it was a line in a song or a poem, a scene in a movie, a drive through an intersection, or maybe it wasn't anything specific.  All I know is that you've been almost constantly on my mind for over a week...maybe two.  Usually, when my thoughts are so entirely infused with another person, I send a text or some sort of message and ask if we can get together or chat.  Part of me has been searching for you in every face that passes by because it used to be that when I felt the way I do, you appeared out of nowhere in a matter of hours.  But you haven't even invaded my dreams.  I thought about sending a letter or email or postcard or something, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear from me...and Bestest Friend said I shouldn't contact you.  My judgement was always blurred where you were concerned, so I'm going with her on this one.  But writing in a notebook words I'll never send to you isn't writing you away as it should.  So maybe if I put the words here, send them into the void in which I used to write you away, maybe that will be enough.

I wish we could go back in time...10 years ago this month, next month, July.  I wish I could make a different decision.  I didn't know how influential that decision would be. 
One moment, one action, one middle of the night...I lost a dear friend and ten years of my life.  I miss that friend, a lot sometimes.  I wish we could go for a drive or a walk and just talk for a while.  But I wrote you away five years ago and he'd been gone five years before that.  Sometimes I wish time erased history so we could just delete the last 10 years and pick up a moment before, make different decisions and continue on in the alternate universe where we were always only friends. 

But then, maybe that universe wouldn't have lasted much longer either. 

Somehow, what happened between us was part of our learning process...at least part of mine, I don't have a clue how it affected you...if it affected you.  I have learned volumes about myself, about other people, about friendship, about relationships, about life, and about God.  I have learned about hate, fear, loss, sorrow, guilt, shame...but also hope, faith, love, repentance, and forgiveness. 

I finally feel forgiveness.  I forgive you. I forgive God.  I forgive myself.  And I feel forgiven.

The last communication you received directly from me called you a villain.  Our relationship destroyed so much of who I was.  I thought it was maliciousness on your part, but I don't think that anymore.  I don't know your motives.  I don't know if you know your motives.  I thought I was motivated by love; that may be somewhat true, but too much need and desperation were mixed in too.  I was full of holes before you came along and I tried to fill them with you.  But as you filled some, you created others.  The thing I'm finally realizing is that the me I was needed to be torn apart so I could become the me I want to be.  Why that job was yours, I may never know.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry things ended the way they did.  I'm sorry I wasn't stronger, more aware of what we were doing to each other sooner.  I'm sorry I let things go too far, too long, too deep.  I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to you, and that I needed more friendship than you could give.
Thank you for trying, because I think you did.  Thank you for pulling me apart, exposing my weakness, and going away when I couldn't handle anymore. 

Maybe someday we'll find each other in another alternate universe and we can go for a walk or a drive and talk about everything...or nothing...sometimes I miss just being with you.  I'd like to think you sometimes miss me too...but I doubt you've even thought of me in the last five years.  That's okay.  If, by chance, you do think of me, stumble into my void and read this, just know...it's okay, we're okay. At least on my end.