Writing Again

Sitting in the hall, writing in my journal while waiting for the professor to come and open the classroom.
"Your name is Laura, right?" One of my classmates asked. I nodded and he continued, "I really liked your poem this week. It was your best yet! In fact, your poems have only gotten better each week. That's hard to do." I smiled and thanked him. Once we started the critiquing section of class, other classmates made similar comments about my poem.

At the end of class the professor read through each of our poems that he had reviewed and revised for us. I liked most of the changes he made, they created a tighter and more fluid piece.

The poems are coming more easily now. Writing in general has become more natural over the last few weeks. I'm beginning to feel like myself in a way I don't think I ever actually have before. This is me, the writer; more specifically, the poet. I'm an artist and I need to discard my fear and just be confident in myself. I knew this class would be good for me!

I'm writing, and I can't explain how important that is to me. I'm so grateful that I'm finally being blessed with words and poetry again.

Sleeplessness = Rambling

Mostly, life is good right now. The one sadness is losing BLT...but even in this loss there is hope and opportunity for reflection, learning, and growth.

Recently I've been too introverted and introspective. My instincts were on high alert, screaming DANGER! and seeking desperately for a safe place. Like Dorothy Gale, however, I was seeking outside of myself and therefore found more danger instead of solace.

One good thing that came from my conflict with BJL, for example is perspective. I realized that this desperate panic mode I've been caught in was blinding my perception of myself and causing others to see me inaccurately. Instead of being what I know I am, I was putting off a persona rather opposite of the true me. What's worse is that I was actually becoming convinced of this alter-ego too.

Seeing what others were seeing in me gave me the opportunity to step back and look at myself.

I'm tired of being bitter, angry, depressed, and stuck. I made choices that brought me into this state and I can make choices to bring me back out. Over the last year that's what I've been doing. It's almost never an instantaneous alteration, generally it takes time, a lot of time to pull myself out of the ditch, but I'm nearly there. The demons of my past are fading and I'm gaining more courage and self-confidence.

With this courage and confidence, I'm acquiring learning, understanding, and (I hope) wisdom. I'm learning from the past so I don't make the same mistakes in the future. I'm understanding the importance of having good influences in my life and a strong sense of who I am and who I want to be. And I hope I'm gaining wisdom to see what is really important, and focusing more on loving others and listening more than talking. I've also been working on developing a stronger anchor in gratitude and a positive attitude.

I'm getting back to being myself. I'm writing more and more, even poetry! My appreciation for music and photography, as well as other art is reviving as well. Still no dancing, but I'm sure that will come back too. I look up more, notice (and express gratitude for) the beauties of nature that are all around me. And the idea of being in a new relationship no longer terrifies me. Now I just need to find someone to be interested in ;-)

I've let myself toy with the idea of having a relationship with various guys I know, but I'm pretty sure nothing beyond friendship will develop with any of them. I'm content with friendship for now. I have some good friends (male and female) and I'm grateful for our little group. We're finally kind of balancing out. We are all relatively close in age and maturity level now and so we have a lot of fun, with a lot less drama! So nice!

I have had some trouble being only friends with guys in the past because there's almost always awkward interest on one side or the other. The Artist and Z have been particularly helpful in giving me hope that I can be good friends with guys without the gender thing getting in the way. They are both very artistically minded, as am I, so they are helping me (without even knowing it) to develop my natural inclination toward the arts. I like who I am and how I feel when I'm around them. I feel more freedom to be myself around them because I don't feel judged or defensive. I'm comfortable with The Artist because we've been friends for so long and we are basically soul twins. Z makes me laugh by his sheer absurdity, but I've also discovered that he is genuine and compassionate. Two male friends I can trust? Is that really possible? Oh I hope so.

I haven't been sleeping well. I didn't get home till midnight-thirty last night and didn't even try to sleep till after 1am. I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. Now I'm at school and you'd think I couldn't keep my eyes open...but I still can't sleep. I have a couple hours till my next class so please forgive my ramblings today. I'm just trying to sort some things out, express gratitude for my blessings, and pass the time.

Thanks for listening (or reading, as it were) ;-)

Delighted

Tonight was another great night! The day started out not so well but the rain washed my worries away. 46/50 on a test, A- on a term paper, lots of poetry...school is going really well!

When I got home mom and I were talking and decided we need more seating in the living room. We are totally amazing and moved the love seat from downstairs to the living room upstairs. We had to take it out through the garage then up the front stairs and in through the front door.

FHE was canceled tonight so I organized one of my own. We started out playing a little Star Wars Trivial Pursuit but only about 4 people were really interested in it so we turned on the most amazingly horrible movie ever made. I love it because it is so classic; it's called The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. So fantastic!

Niv and I chatted for a bit. We've been avoiding conversation with each other for a while. It was nice to talk with her again.

After the movie we sat around and talked for a bit. Z asked everyone the meaning of their surname. My name, Funk, is German and according to ancestry.com it means: nickname for a blacksmith, or for a small and lively or irritable individual, from Middle High German vunke 'spark'. He said he's going to call me Spark now. Sounds good to me; it's always fun to have a new nickname, as long as it is given kindly by a friend. :)

(I just looked up my first name, Laura, and I am delighted to find that it is an Italian name! I knew I had some connection to Italy!)

After the name game, Pola read some stories from The Scary Stories Treasury: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, and Scary Stories 3 More Tales to Chill Your Bones. I used to love these books when I was a child and a couple years ago I found the trilogy at Barnes & Noble and I just had to buy it! They are not so scary now, more funny really.

Overall, the night went pretty much the way I hoped it would. We had a great time and I laughed so hard I cried! I have the greatest friends and I am so grateful for each of them. I love them dearly and I'm grateful for this time I have to enjoy their company.

~~~~~~~~~~

On my way home from school today I was thinking about the past, and some of my past relationships. I've come to understand some things about friendship. One of the most important is that it's a gift we give to each other. It should not be an obligation or even a necessity, but always a choice.
I've always had a tendency to try to hold on too tight and for too long. I thought that once I found a friend I had to hold on to him/her so they wouldn't abandon me. But now I understand that life takes us in so many different directions and sometimes that means being separated (sometimes for the rest of our lives) from those we have come to love. Separation doesn't always mean we weren't true friends, it doesn't always mean we stopped caring or stopped loving, it's just part of life.

I'm not holding on anymore. I'm just enjoying the time we share with gratitude, and hope it doesn't end too soon.

Sometimes our friends leave unwillingly and unintentionally like BLT. They are called home to Heaven and we are left to miss them, to remember them. I believe we'll meet again in the next life. I believe I will see BLT, Gramma and my other grandparents and family members, my Kari Dawn and other friends again in the next life. I love them and I miss them, and I'm grateful to know that our relationships continue beyond here and now.

Today was good. I hope this is the beginning of a trend. I hope my life is beginning to turn around and that it will only get better from here. I'm doing the best I can and I hope it's finally going to be good enough. :)

Big Heart

We were concerned but it looks like he had a medical condition. Dear BLT had an enlarged heart (among other things)...he was a kind and dear man, his heart was just too big. We will miss him very much.

Love you BLT, rest well now in God's care.

Why Didn't You Tell Me?

I should be doing homework but I have some things weighing on my heart and mind right now.

Yesterday was a pretty great day. I turned in some job applications, watched General Conference, and hung out with friends. We had girls' night and watched Jane Austen's Persuasion. Then the boys came over and we played some really fun games.

Just after Z got there he answered a phone call from Bishop. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I waited as long as I could, not wanting to interrupt the conversation, but when I couldn't wait any longer I went into the kitchen and found Z bent over the counter with his face in his hands. He wasn't sure he should say anything but I think he needed to share the burden. A friend in the ward passed away, quite possibly of his own doing. Somehow I knew before he even said anything.

I didn't know what to say. The details are a little sketchy and I didn't want to interrogate Z when he was clearly upset. He said he felt like he could have done more. He regretted not inviting the friend to more activities. He said he'd had the thought to invite him to Conference but had ignored it. I told him it wasn't his fault. I told him not to think that way. We didn't want to dampen the party or spread the word if it was supposed to be kept on the down low. Z spent the rest of the evening playing the guitar on the outside of the events. Other people teased him and tried to joke with him, but I knew he had our friend on his mind.

Toward the end of the party another guy there who had also been told made an announcement. Death is a difficult thing to deal with anyway, and it's even harder when it happens like this.

I've thought about creating my own exit at times. Life gets to be too much and it seems like it would be so much better to just be done. So I get it, I understand what people think or how they feel to be able to do something so drastic. But I could never do it.

I am grateful for certain people in my life who help me to keep going. I've been close to too many people who have lost, or nearly lost someone this way. I see the pain that is caused. I see the heartache. I have experienced some of the heartache. I would rather suffer than cause that sort of pain for others. But I do understand...both sides.

I wish that I had tried harder to be friends with BLT. I knew he was struggling. I tried to be kind and friendly. I tried to let him know I cared and that I wanted him around. But I was afraid that if I was too friendly, too kind, I'd scare him away or give him "the wrong impression". I should have loved him better. I should have forgotten about my own fears and just talked with him, listened to him, let him know he could talk to me about anything. I wish he had told me, since I know how it feels, I just feel like I could have said the right thing or done the right thing.

But thinking that way is useless now, except to do better in the future. I've been kind of selfish recently. It was necessary to some extent. It's difficult to serve and love others if you don't love yourself. I feel a lot better now and I will do my best to be a better friend.

I wish I could give love to everyone in the world so they won't be sad or hurt or discouraged enough to give up. If you read this, and you're feeling on the verge, please tell me...or tell someone. There is help available. There are people who love you. Don't give up.

All day today I've been thinking about