Sleeplessness = Rambling

Mostly, life is good right now. The one sadness is losing BLT...but even in this loss there is hope and opportunity for reflection, learning, and growth.

Recently I've been too introverted and introspective. My instincts were on high alert, screaming DANGER! and seeking desperately for a safe place. Like Dorothy Gale, however, I was seeking outside of myself and therefore found more danger instead of solace.

One good thing that came from my conflict with BJL, for example is perspective. I realized that this desperate panic mode I've been caught in was blinding my perception of myself and causing others to see me inaccurately. Instead of being what I know I am, I was putting off a persona rather opposite of the true me. What's worse is that I was actually becoming convinced of this alter-ego too.

Seeing what others were seeing in me gave me the opportunity to step back and look at myself.

I'm tired of being bitter, angry, depressed, and stuck. I made choices that brought me into this state and I can make choices to bring me back out. Over the last year that's what I've been doing. It's almost never an instantaneous alteration, generally it takes time, a lot of time to pull myself out of the ditch, but I'm nearly there. The demons of my past are fading and I'm gaining more courage and self-confidence.

With this courage and confidence, I'm acquiring learning, understanding, and (I hope) wisdom. I'm learning from the past so I don't make the same mistakes in the future. I'm understanding the importance of having good influences in my life and a strong sense of who I am and who I want to be. And I hope I'm gaining wisdom to see what is really important, and focusing more on loving others and listening more than talking. I've also been working on developing a stronger anchor in gratitude and a positive attitude.

I'm getting back to being myself. I'm writing more and more, even poetry! My appreciation for music and photography, as well as other art is reviving as well. Still no dancing, but I'm sure that will come back too. I look up more, notice (and express gratitude for) the beauties of nature that are all around me. And the idea of being in a new relationship no longer terrifies me. Now I just need to find someone to be interested in ;-)

I've let myself toy with the idea of having a relationship with various guys I know, but I'm pretty sure nothing beyond friendship will develop with any of them. I'm content with friendship for now. I have some good friends (male and female) and I'm grateful for our little group. We're finally kind of balancing out. We are all relatively close in age and maturity level now and so we have a lot of fun, with a lot less drama! So nice!

I have had some trouble being only friends with guys in the past because there's almost always awkward interest on one side or the other. The Artist and Z have been particularly helpful in giving me hope that I can be good friends with guys without the gender thing getting in the way. They are both very artistically minded, as am I, so they are helping me (without even knowing it) to develop my natural inclination toward the arts. I like who I am and how I feel when I'm around them. I feel more freedom to be myself around them because I don't feel judged or defensive. I'm comfortable with The Artist because we've been friends for so long and we are basically soul twins. Z makes me laugh by his sheer absurdity, but I've also discovered that he is genuine and compassionate. Two male friends I can trust? Is that really possible? Oh I hope so.

I haven't been sleeping well. I didn't get home till midnight-thirty last night and didn't even try to sleep till after 1am. I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. Now I'm at school and you'd think I couldn't keep my eyes open...but I still can't sleep. I have a couple hours till my next class so please forgive my ramblings today. I'm just trying to sort some things out, express gratitude for my blessings, and pass the time.

Thanks for listening (or reading, as it were) ;-)