I should be doing homework but I have some things weighing on my heart and mind right now.
Yesterday was a pretty great day. I turned in some job applications, watched General Conference, and hung out with friends. We had girls' night and watched Jane Austen's Persuasion. Then the boys came over and we played some really fun games.
Just after Z got there he answered a phone call from Bishop. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I waited as long as I could, not wanting to interrupt the conversation, but when I couldn't wait any longer I went into the kitchen and found Z bent over the counter with his face in his hands. He wasn't sure he should say anything but I think he needed to share the burden. A friend in the ward passed away, quite possibly of his own doing. Somehow I knew before he even said anything.
I didn't know what to say. The details are a little sketchy and I didn't want to interrogate Z when he was clearly upset. He said he felt like he could have done more. He regretted not inviting the friend to more activities. He said he'd had the thought to invite him to Conference but had ignored it. I told him it wasn't his fault. I told him not to think that way. We didn't want to dampen the party or spread the word if it was supposed to be kept on the down low. Z spent the rest of the evening playing the guitar on the outside of the events. Other people teased him and tried to joke with him, but I knew he had our friend on his mind.
Toward the end of the party another guy there who had also been told made an announcement. Death is a difficult thing to deal with anyway, and it's even harder when it happens like this.
I've thought about creating my own exit at times. Life gets to be too much and it seems like it would be so much better to just be done. So I get it, I understand what people think or how they feel to be able to do something so drastic. But I could never do it.
I am grateful for certain people in my life who help me to keep going. I've been close to too many people who have lost, or nearly lost someone this way. I see the pain that is caused. I see the heartache. I have experienced some of the heartache. I would rather suffer than cause that sort of pain for others. But I do understand...both sides.
I wish that I had tried harder to be friends with BLT. I knew he was struggling. I tried to be kind and friendly. I tried to let him know I cared and that I wanted him around. But I was afraid that if I was too friendly, too kind, I'd scare him away or give him "the wrong impression". I should have loved him better. I should have forgotten about my own fears and just talked with him, listened to him, let him know he could talk to me about anything. I wish he had told me, since I know how it feels, I just feel like I could have said the right thing or done the right thing.
But thinking that way is useless now, except to do better in the future. I've been kind of selfish recently. It was necessary to some extent. It's difficult to serve and love others if you don't love yourself. I feel a lot better now and I will do my best to be a better friend.
I wish I could give love to everyone in the world so they won't be sad or hurt or discouraged enough to give up. If you read this, and you're feeling on the verge, please tell me...or tell someone. There is help available. There are people who love you. Don't give up.
All day today I've been thinking about
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