Tonight for FHE we had a concert on the roof of a parking garage. First of all, how cool is that! The view was beautiful, the weather was a little nippy but not bad, and the guys were AMAZING! (check them out at www.bearproofmusic.com or on Facebook).
Dancing and music used to be my all-time favorite things. I have always enjoyed a great live concert, and until a few years ago, I never had any trouble shakin' my groove thang. But recently I have not had such an intimate relationship with music and dancing. When I lost myself a few years ago, I lost this part of me too. Now that I'm getting to know myself again, I'm remembering the joy I always found in good music and dancing.
Tonight, as soon as the music started I couldn't keep myself from bobbing my head and swaying in my seat. Not wanting others to think there was something wrong with me, I contained myself as long as possible, since no one else was dancing, I didn't have the courage to bust my moves. When Pola and RJ showed up I was so excited because I knew they were less inhibited than the other ward members. Seconds after they arrived we were movin' and groovin' to the rockin' great tunes of Bearproof. I have not danced so freely and joyfully in a very, very long time.
I feel so liberated! I feel so happy! I feel so...myself!
I've always wanted a friend in a band; I'm so grateful for Z and Ring Ting Ting (two of the four band members), particularly in this moment in my life when I have been in such need of inspiration and encouragement; and when I am now so ready for life!!!
Tonight was a really good night! :)
19 October 2010
15 October 2010
JOY IS...
coconut bubble bath
chatting with friends on FB at 1am
Scrabble and Reese's Pieces --> birthday-of-the-week algorithm
Savage Garden / Darren Hayes
two adorable nephews
a good session
confidence in a job interview
finally feeling like I'm in the right place
that look...
oops! that lead to giggles
shoulder bumps that lead to cuddle hugs
school lessons that are directly applicable to my life
feeling visible
finding comfort and meaning in tragedy
one less worry
star wars monopoly figurines
new music that speaks directly to me
POSSIBILITIES
friends who help me feel I'm not alone
chatting with friends on FB at 1am
Scrabble and Reese's Pieces --> birthday-of-the-week algorithm
Savage Garden / Darren Hayes
two adorable nephews
a good session
confidence in a job interview
finally feeling like I'm in the right place
that look...
oops! that lead to giggles
shoulder bumps that lead to cuddle hugs
school lessons that are directly applicable to my life
feeling visible
finding comfort and meaning in tragedy
one less worry
star wars monopoly figurines
new music that speaks directly to me
POSSIBILITIES
friends who help me feel I'm not alone
11 October 2010
Here Comes the Sun
Today started out gloomy and glum. My head hurt and my tummy was upset, and lack of sleep had left me whimpering for my pillow and blanket. I could barely focus in class and I hadn't done the assigned reading. As I walked out of my last class (late) on the way to the bus stop, I prayed for some help. I searched for some way to draw my attention from myself. If I could focus on someone else, maybe I could forget myself and help someone else out for a while.
As I sat at the bus stop, a woman next to me on the bench was talking on her phone. I recognized her from the class I'd just come from. I didn't mean to listen in on her conversation but when you're sitting right next to a person, it's difficult not to hear what they are saying. What I understood from the half of the conversation was that there was going to be a funeral for a relative in the near future.
With BLT's funeral still so fresh in my thoughts, my heart hurt for her. My instinctual thought was to talk to her. I'm a pretty shy person and don't generally feel comfortable initiating conversations with virtual strangers. But as I tried to suppress the prompting, the thought nudged me, "This is what you wanted. This is your chance. Talk to her." So I stopped fighting and turned to her and said, "I didn't mean to overhear your conversation but I did, and I'm sorry for your loss." She thanked me and we talked until my bus came about her uncle who is in a coma and will be passing within the next couple of days. We also talked about the deaths of her mother (8 years ago) and father (last year), and I shared a little of my experiences with death, including BLT. We had a nice conversation and she expressed appreciation. She seemed to feel a bit better, and I was beginning to as well.
My sister has been on vacation for the last week so we've been keeping the kids. When I got home mom immediately requested I take care of the Baby so she and The Kid could finish making cookies. Baby has been really whiny and clingy all week, he wants to be held constantly which can be a little difficult sometimes. He was mostly happy today once I picked him up. After the cookies were done I took both boys outside to play so mom could make dinner and have a moment of peace. We had fun playing on the swings and slide. I couldn't get pictures today but these are from yesterday and too cute to not share.
See-Saw Swing
The Boys LOVE Sliding Together
Baby loves swinging, and he's really good at holding on.
I know that seems like a tangent but it's actually directly related to the topic. I was sitting by Z at the church before we left. He said he was going to drive and I immediately claimed a seat in his car. I know I've been writing a lot about him recently...and I know that makes it look like I have a crush on him. This is not the case. I toyed with the idea for a moment but it didn't feel right. What does feel right is having him as a friend. He is seriously the one person I cannot be sad around. Thus far, as soon as he is in the same room, any and all storm clouds that may have been darkening my heart or thoughts, evaporate. He makes me laugh more easily than anyone else. If I'm feeling invisible (which is how I was feeling today), in less than five seconds of being with him, not only do I feel acknowledged, I feel wanted and safe to be myself. I'm not nervous or shy around him. On the way home tonight he had a Pure Funk Mix on his iPod and I felt completely at liberty to car seat dance. I'm getting my groove back! I told you dancing was coming :)
I'm grateful for all my friends. They bring the sun when I'm starting to feel gloomy. Most of the time they don't have a clue I'm even feeling down, but within seconds of being with my people, I'm smiling, laughing (often so hard that I cry), and having a great time.
My natural hope, faith, and optimism have been buried for so long under all the hurt, sadness, bitterness, anger, and fear that life has taught me I deserve...but I'm digging it out and I'm beginning to feel quite content to sit in the sun!
Now that it's nearly 2am, perhaps I should try to sleep. That's the next thing I need to figure out...wish me luck!
As I sat at the bus stop, a woman next to me on the bench was talking on her phone. I recognized her from the class I'd just come from. I didn't mean to listen in on her conversation but when you're sitting right next to a person, it's difficult not to hear what they are saying. What I understood from the half of the conversation was that there was going to be a funeral for a relative in the near future.
With BLT's funeral still so fresh in my thoughts, my heart hurt for her. My instinctual thought was to talk to her. I'm a pretty shy person and don't generally feel comfortable initiating conversations with virtual strangers. But as I tried to suppress the prompting, the thought nudged me, "This is what you wanted. This is your chance. Talk to her." So I stopped fighting and turned to her and said, "I didn't mean to overhear your conversation but I did, and I'm sorry for your loss." She thanked me and we talked until my bus came about her uncle who is in a coma and will be passing within the next couple of days. We also talked about the deaths of her mother (8 years ago) and father (last year), and I shared a little of my experiences with death, including BLT. We had a nice conversation and she expressed appreciation. She seemed to feel a bit better, and I was beginning to as well.
My sister has been on vacation for the last week so we've been keeping the kids. When I got home mom immediately requested I take care of the Baby so she and The Kid could finish making cookies. Baby has been really whiny and clingy all week, he wants to be held constantly which can be a little difficult sometimes. He was mostly happy today once I picked him up. After the cookies were done I took both boys outside to play so mom could make dinner and have a moment of peace. We had fun playing on the swings and slide. I couldn't get pictures today but these are from yesterday and too cute to not share.
See-Saw Swing
The Boys LOVE Sliding Together
Baby loves swinging, and he's really good at holding on.After playing with the boys for a while it was time for FHE. I was still struggling a bit. As delightful as they were, the boys were a real handful and The Kid has become somewhat of a demon child so I was ready for hanging out with friends. We went to the corn maze at Thanksgiving Point. I was expecting just a corn maze but it was like a whole fall carnival! It was so much fun. I was slightly annoyed with myself for not taking my camera because Bishop paid $5 and insisted Z ride the mechanical bull. Luckily, one of the other guys had a camera phone and emailed me the picture too!
So Delightful!
I struggle. It seems so easy for me to get caught up in the drudgery and stress of life. As a writer, and more specifically, as a serious poet, I tend to dwell a little too deeply in the melancholy and serious places in life. I decided today that I'm actually a pretty happy and positive person, it's just that a lot of really difficult trials piled heavily on top of me all at once for an extended period of time and I forgot how to be consistently happy. Instead I became consistently depressed. I didn't know I could be happy. I never learned how to be happy through my stress and hard times. I'm learning that now. I'm learning better coping mechanisms and strategies for more positive interactions and interpretations in life.
So Delightful!I know that seems like a tangent but it's actually directly related to the topic. I was sitting by Z at the church before we left. He said he was going to drive and I immediately claimed a seat in his car. I know I've been writing a lot about him recently...and I know that makes it look like I have a crush on him. This is not the case. I toyed with the idea for a moment but it didn't feel right. What does feel right is having him as a friend. He is seriously the one person I cannot be sad around. Thus far, as soon as he is in the same room, any and all storm clouds that may have been darkening my heart or thoughts, evaporate. He makes me laugh more easily than anyone else. If I'm feeling invisible (which is how I was feeling today), in less than five seconds of being with him, not only do I feel acknowledged, I feel wanted and safe to be myself. I'm not nervous or shy around him. On the way home tonight he had a Pure Funk Mix on his iPod and I felt completely at liberty to car seat dance. I'm getting my groove back! I told you dancing was coming :)
I'm grateful for all my friends. They bring the sun when I'm starting to feel gloomy. Most of the time they don't have a clue I'm even feeling down, but within seconds of being with my people, I'm smiling, laughing (often so hard that I cry), and having a great time.
My natural hope, faith, and optimism have been buried for so long under all the hurt, sadness, bitterness, anger, and fear that life has taught me I deserve...but I'm digging it out and I'm beginning to feel quite content to sit in the sun!
Now that it's nearly 2am, perhaps I should try to sleep. That's the next thing I need to figure out...wish me luck!
09 October 2010
Natalie Dawnielle (aka Ellie)
Bestest Friend with baby Ellie
Beautiful Blue Eyes
Oh what sweet little toes!
"Not another picture, come on Auntie!"
Hello Baby Girl! Welcome to the world. I am your doting Auntie andI'm gonna spoil you rotten :)
I love my nephews, don't get me wrong, but there's something extra special about a pretty in pink baby girl. I fell in love instantaneously! I'm so grateful for all the little angels in my life.
Love you Baby Girl!
ready to try again
my heart has been on hiatus for about the last year. from the time i was very young i have always been what i call a "hopeful romantic" because i believe in romance and true love and all that other storybook junk. but life was determined to teach me otherwise. i lost hope in love and romance and even reciprocation of affection. i lost total hope in ever finding a man who would love me the way i deserve to be loved.
my heart is too big for it's own good. it wants to flood love and affection all over everything, which just doesn't fly with most of the world. as i was talking with Bestest Friend earlier today i mentioned that i was born to be a Grandmother. grandmothers can get away with things that no one else can. they can be sappy and sentimental, or silly and absurd or whatever and it's perfectly acceptable. yes, i've finally decided what i want to be when i grow up...that's right! i want to be a grandmother!
sorry, tangent. anyway, my heart's too big. most people my age get really uncomfortable when i'm "too nice" or compliment them too much; generally they think i'm being sarcastic and pointing out a fault. i'm really just being sincere and trying to let them know i think they're great! but in a society where so many of the messages sent our direction are intended to pull us down and tear us apart, people get really uncomfortable around genuine kindness.
in my opinion, we need more kindness in this world...
i'm really rambling tonight, can't stay on topic. ok, back to the original point.
it's time. i'm ready to try dating again. i'm ready to regain my hopeful romanticism and allow myself to believe that good men exist, and that somewhere out there is a man who will get me and think i'm adorable enough to spend the rest of eternity being in love with me.
i no longer cringe at the thought of being held or kissed. i no longer have an anxiety attack when guys talk to me or flirt with me. i no longer respond to the question, "how's your love life?" with, "we don't talk about that". Instead, the response is, "it's been dormant, but i'm ready to wake it up and let it sizzle!"
so come, eligible young-ish men, i'm no longer a shrew, so ask me out! i won't hurt you ;-) let's have some fun!
my heart is too big for it's own good. it wants to flood love and affection all over everything, which just doesn't fly with most of the world. as i was talking with Bestest Friend earlier today i mentioned that i was born to be a Grandmother. grandmothers can get away with things that no one else can. they can be sappy and sentimental, or silly and absurd or whatever and it's perfectly acceptable. yes, i've finally decided what i want to be when i grow up...that's right! i want to be a grandmother!
sorry, tangent. anyway, my heart's too big. most people my age get really uncomfortable when i'm "too nice" or compliment them too much; generally they think i'm being sarcastic and pointing out a fault. i'm really just being sincere and trying to let them know i think they're great! but in a society where so many of the messages sent our direction are intended to pull us down and tear us apart, people get really uncomfortable around genuine kindness.
in my opinion, we need more kindness in this world...
i'm really rambling tonight, can't stay on topic. ok, back to the original point.
it's time. i'm ready to try dating again. i'm ready to regain my hopeful romanticism and allow myself to believe that good men exist, and that somewhere out there is a man who will get me and think i'm adorable enough to spend the rest of eternity being in love with me.
i no longer cringe at the thought of being held or kissed. i no longer have an anxiety attack when guys talk to me or flirt with me. i no longer respond to the question, "how's your love life?" with, "we don't talk about that". Instead, the response is, "it's been dormant, but i'm ready to wake it up and let it sizzle!"
so come, eligible young-ish men, i'm no longer a shrew, so ask me out! i won't hurt you ;-) let's have some fun!
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