Here Comes the Sun

Today started out gloomy and glum. My head hurt and my tummy was upset, and lack of sleep had left me whimpering for my pillow and blanket. I could barely focus in class and I hadn't done the assigned reading. As I walked out of my last class (late) on the way to the bus stop, I prayed for some help. I searched for some way to draw my attention from myself. If I could focus on someone else, maybe I could forget myself and help someone else out for a while.

As I sat at the bus stop, a woman next to me on the bench was talking on her phone. I recognized her from the class I'd just come from. I didn't mean to listen in on her conversation but when you're sitting right next to a person, it's difficult not to hear what they are saying. What I understood from the half of the conversation was that there was going to be a funeral for a relative in the near future.

With BLT's funeral still so fresh in my thoughts, my heart hurt for her. My instinctual thought was to talk to her. I'm a pretty shy person and don't generally feel comfortable initiating conversations with virtual strangers. But as I tried to suppress the prompting, the thought nudged me, "This is what you wanted. This is your chance. Talk to her." So I stopped fighting and turned to her and said, "I didn't mean to overhear your conversation but I did, and I'm sorry for your loss." She thanked me and we talked until my bus came about her uncle who is in a coma and will be passing within the next couple of days. We also talked about the deaths of her mother (8 years ago) and father (last year), and I shared a little of my experiences with death, including BLT. We had a nice conversation and she expressed appreciation. She seemed to feel a bit better, and I was beginning to as well.

My sister has been on vacation for the last week so we've been keeping the kids. When I got home mom immediately requested I take care of the Baby so she and The Kid could finish making cookies. Baby has been really whiny and clingy all week, he wants to be held constantly which can be a little difficult sometimes. He was mostly happy today once I picked him up. After the cookies were done I took both boys outside to play so mom could make dinner and have a moment of peace. We had fun playing on the swings and slide. I couldn't get pictures today but these are from yesterday and too cute to not share.

See-Saw Swing

The Boys LOVE Sliding Together

Baby loves swinging, and he's really good at holding on.

After playing with the boys for a while it was time for FHE. I was still struggling a bit. As delightful as they were, the boys were a real handful and The Kid has become somewhat of a demon child so I was ready for hanging out with friends. We went to the corn maze at Thanksgiving Point. I was expecting just a corn maze but it was like a whole fall carnival! It was so much fun. I was slightly annoyed with myself for not taking my camera because Bishop paid $5 and insisted Z ride the mechanical bull. Luckily, one of the other guys had a camera phone and emailed me the picture too!So Delightful!

I struggle. It seems so easy for me to get caught up in the drudgery and stress of life. As a writer, and more specifically, as a serious poet, I tend to dwell a little too deeply in the melancholy and serious places in life. I decided today that I'm actually a pretty happy and positive person, it's just that a lot of really difficult trials piled heavily on top of me all at once for an extended period of time and I forgot how to be consistently happy. Instead I became consistently depressed. I didn't know I could be happy. I never learned how to be happy through my stress and hard times. I'm learning that now. I'm learning better coping mechanisms and strategies for more positive interactions and interpretations in life.

I know that seems like a tangent but it's actually directly related to the topic. I was sitting by Z at the church before we left. He said he was going to drive and I immediately claimed a seat in his car. I know I've been writing a lot about him recently...and I know that makes it look like I have a crush on him. This is not the case. I toyed with the idea for a moment but it didn't feel right. What does feel right is having him as a friend. He is seriously the one person I cannot be sad around. Thus far, as soon as he is in the same room, any and all storm clouds that may have been darkening my heart or thoughts, evaporate. He makes me laugh more easily than anyone else. If I'm feeling invisible (which is how I was feeling today), in less than five seconds of being with him, not only do I feel acknowledged, I feel wanted and safe to be myself. I'm not nervous or shy around him. On the way home tonight he had a Pure Funk Mix on his iPod and I felt completely at liberty to car seat dance. I'm getting my groove back! I told you dancing was coming :)

I'm grateful for all my friends. They bring the sun when I'm starting to feel gloomy. Most of the time they don't have a clue I'm even feeling down, but within seconds of being with my people, I'm smiling, laughing (often so hard that I cry), and having a great time.

My natural hope, faith, and optimism have been buried for so long under all the hurt, sadness, bitterness, anger, and fear that life has taught me I deserve...but I'm digging it out and I'm beginning to feel quite content to sit in the sun!

Now that it's nearly 2am, perhaps I should try to sleep. That's the next thing I need to figure out...wish me luck!