forgiveness & gratitude

they say that's the solution. i must be making it more difficult than it needs to be, i usually do. it just sounds so simple...just forgive and forget. focus on the positive. it sounds simple but it isn't. i've been seeking to make forgiveness an instinctive part of me for half a lifetime and i'm still so lost. i'm going crazy with ache and holding on. i'm going crazy with fear and doubt, distrust. i want to believe that people are generally good, that love is possible and real, not just a fairy tale. i want to believe friendship is not fleeting, and family is more than blood. i don't want the knot in my chest, the panic and pain. i want peace, love, freedom. i don't know how. i don't know how.

every rose has its thorns

♫ when the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong... ♫

i'm there. again. i don't understand. i give love but all i get in return is a slap in the face and tossed carelessly aside. i'm worth nothing more than that. i'm weak and luckless.  all that loving brings to me is heartache and loss. it's as though i never existed, he's forgotten me completely, they all have. once the need is filled, the crack repaired, the itch scratched, i'm pushed away and forgotten. i wish i could be so unfeeling, so discarding. well, ok, i'm beat. i give up. the only sure fire way to avoid being mistreated again is to never let anyone in again. i'm tired of hurting because i care about careless people. i'm tired of the thornes, the roses aren't worth it.

a new chapter

tomorrow is my last day working at Seagull Book.  it's bitter-sweet.  i'll miss the friends i've made there.  i'll miss seeing them and talking with them.  we have really had some fun working together and the thought of not seeing them multiple times a week makes me sad.  i won't miss the stress or the feeling of running in five different directions at once.  i won't miss wearing myself out for pennies an hour.  i'll miss the artwork and some of the books.  i'll miss seeing the new product and every once in a while getting free CDs and books.  i'll miss some of my regular customers such as Ethel and Patty-o-furnature who know me by name.  i won't miss the grouchy, demanding, entitled, ego-centric, needy, and generally unpleasant customers.  mostly i'll miss my coworkers but i am grateful that i am good enough friends with them that i hope we will stay in contact over facebook and text messages if not regular face to face interaction.  the store is between my home and my new job so it won't take much to stop in for a visit sometimes. 

i really enjoy my new job.  they treat me like i've been there all along.  they trust me to accomplish my tasks and treat me like an adult of worth and consequence.  the environment is positive and encouraging.  the pay is more than i've ever made in any job i've ever had.  my coworkers are kind and wonderful.  they are easy-going and enjoyable to work with.  i even enjoy working on my own, which i have done quite a lot of in the last month and a half.  i'm learning about artwork and church history.  i'm learning about all sorts of things and i'm eager to learn more.  i guess it would be nice if the position was full-time with benefits, but for the moment i am content with what i have.  i feel like this is the right place for me at this time so i'm trusting that i'm in the Lord's hands and He will take care of my needs as they come. 

it's much easier for me to trust my employment and health in the hands of Heaven than it is for me to trust them with my heart and romantic relationships.  i wish i could find the faith to believe with hope, confidence, and patience that the love of my life exists out there somewhere.  the older i get and the more failed relationships i must recover from, the more my hope in a future positive relationship diminishes.  how do i just release myself into the care of those kind and generous Heavenly hands and trust their timing in this aspect of my life?  i need to figure that out so i can stop focusing so much of my energy and brain power on pining over my deepest desire and just live the life i have in faith and joy.  my lack too often overshadows all the good in my life.  i want to be happy and the only thing that's really standing in the way of that is having a stable and healthy loving and affectionate and mutually respectful relationship with a man who is committed to me and i to him.  if that's the only thing really keeping me from happiness, i really need to find a way to push that one aspect aside for now and just love my life.  i did that pretty well for a while a couple different times in my life.  for a year and a half before the weasel i was generally quite content having fun with my incredible group of friends.  then again a couple years ago, after Bobpi and before the ward split, i was quite content with my group of friends. 

companionship, consistent and stable, is the factor that brings the most satisfaction to my life.  i can't be truly happy alone and i don't want to even try to be happy alone.  humans are by nature social beings, we thrive the most when we are surrounded by people who love us and whose company we most enjoy.  my current social situation is not ideal.  i need to find a way to improve that part of my life so i can be happy.  i wish my happiness was based in something other than companionship as that variable is dependent on other people and i, therefore, can not fulfill my need on my own.  i want to be self reliant and self sustaining...but how can i do that when i need people?  grr.

oh, i didn't intend this post to be a rant or a vent.  it's the middle of the night and i probably should be sleeping instead of blogging.  i lose too much inhibition when i'm half asleep and i complain and ramble too much.  oops!  thanks for listening.  if you have any insight or suggestions, please feel free to comment. :)

naught but my bones

The Well of Grief

By David Whyte

Those who will not slip beneath

     the still surface on the well of grief

turning downward through its black water

     to the place we cannot breathe

will never know the source from which we drink,

     the secret water, cold and clear,

nor find in the darkness glimmering

     the small round coins

        thrown by those who wished for something else.

 – From Where Many Rivers Meet

my words are missing. my passion is missing.  and so i borrow words from others who are more at one and transcendent with art and life and pure emotion.  i have been there...not recently...but enough to know it's inside me, or i am inside it...

i still feel at the words of others so i know my words are not too far from where i am.  

right now i'm off center.  i'm treading the water unsure if i'm going toward the surface or rock bottom.  maybe neither.  perhaps i'm sinking sideways...or rising...

my decision was made before i consciously realized.  i don't know if it's the right thing but it's done now and i can't take it back.  i don't really have any desire to take it back.  i know by how i feel that i can't be there anymore.  i can't hold my tongue or paste my face with a smile or force myself to do what they want me to do but i don't believe in doing.  they would never fire me, and i wouldn't want that on my record anyway.  they used me too much to ever ask me to leave, though they never expressed respect or value.  i was a tool, a lackey, a pawn.  i won't miss the work or the exhaustion or the aching in my bones.  i will miss the people and the art.  it's not fun for me anymore.  i don't want this to be what my life is about.  my manager said she wished i'd apply for the manager in training program but i don't want to manage that.  i'd simply be a pawn with more responsibility and more frustration and stress.  i don't want that.  i don't believe in the company anymore.  

so i leave and delve into a similar yet vastly different chapter of my story.  my greatest hope is that once i am free of the shackles of what is wrong for me, and more fully immersed in what seems right at the moment, i will find a door open to the life for which i truly ache.  

i'm doing my best, which never seems quite good enough.  but hopefully someday it will be enough.  

perhaps i should get rid of my car.  it's a piece of junk and it keeps breaking in the stupidest and most expensive ways.  but i'm too dependent on my car.  i need a car.  i just really wish it would stop costing so much.  just when i think i'm finally getting on top of things, something else breaks and i'm swamped again.

i want to cry from exhaustion and heartbreak and fear.  grief, that deep grief spoken of in the poem is washing me away and i don't know how to stop it.  so i let it flood.  it is part of the cleansing, part of the healing, part of the transformation i desperately need right now.  i don't want to be me anymore.  not the me that i've become.  i want to be some other me, the future me i haven't met yet.  i need her strength and faith and confidence.  i need her assurance that things are going to get better and i won't be stuck in this me forever.  i don't like the me i am right now.  she's not someone i ever wanted to be...but it seems that she is somehow necessary to that me i will be.  this me is tired and aching all the time; she's antisocial and grouchy; she's scarred and surviving.  i expect more than that from her but she has very little to offer right now.  i'm worn and weary through the bones.  i want to go home.

♫ and i will always love you ♫

Will is on my mind. we had lunch today and as always, it was nice to share some time, but it wasn't long enough. we used to spend hours together, we used to be tight, now we're maybe an hour once a month. i miss him. i miss the way we were. he inspired my creativity and encouraged my writing. he listened and heard and saw me. i never gave enough to him though. i still haven't figured out how to give to him. i almost always give more than i ever receive, but with Will, i'm afraid i'll never know how to even the plain. i could love him so well but he doesn't want my love (friendly or otherwise) so much these days. so i'll give my thoughts and prayers, support and silent love as much as i can. maybe someday it'll make a difference.