a new chapter

tomorrow is my last day working at Seagull Book.  it's bitter-sweet.  i'll miss the friends i've made there.  i'll miss seeing them and talking with them.  we have really had some fun working together and the thought of not seeing them multiple times a week makes me sad.  i won't miss the stress or the feeling of running in five different directions at once.  i won't miss wearing myself out for pennies an hour.  i'll miss the artwork and some of the books.  i'll miss seeing the new product and every once in a while getting free CDs and books.  i'll miss some of my regular customers such as Ethel and Patty-o-furnature who know me by name.  i won't miss the grouchy, demanding, entitled, ego-centric, needy, and generally unpleasant customers.  mostly i'll miss my coworkers but i am grateful that i am good enough friends with them that i hope we will stay in contact over facebook and text messages if not regular face to face interaction.  the store is between my home and my new job so it won't take much to stop in for a visit sometimes. 

i really enjoy my new job.  they treat me like i've been there all along.  they trust me to accomplish my tasks and treat me like an adult of worth and consequence.  the environment is positive and encouraging.  the pay is more than i've ever made in any job i've ever had.  my coworkers are kind and wonderful.  they are easy-going and enjoyable to work with.  i even enjoy working on my own, which i have done quite a lot of in the last month and a half.  i'm learning about artwork and church history.  i'm learning about all sorts of things and i'm eager to learn more.  i guess it would be nice if the position was full-time with benefits, but for the moment i am content with what i have.  i feel like this is the right place for me at this time so i'm trusting that i'm in the Lord's hands and He will take care of my needs as they come. 

it's much easier for me to trust my employment and health in the hands of Heaven than it is for me to trust them with my heart and romantic relationships.  i wish i could find the faith to believe with hope, confidence, and patience that the love of my life exists out there somewhere.  the older i get and the more failed relationships i must recover from, the more my hope in a future positive relationship diminishes.  how do i just release myself into the care of those kind and generous Heavenly hands and trust their timing in this aspect of my life?  i need to figure that out so i can stop focusing so much of my energy and brain power on pining over my deepest desire and just live the life i have in faith and joy.  my lack too often overshadows all the good in my life.  i want to be happy and the only thing that's really standing in the way of that is having a stable and healthy loving and affectionate and mutually respectful relationship with a man who is committed to me and i to him.  if that's the only thing really keeping me from happiness, i really need to find a way to push that one aspect aside for now and just love my life.  i did that pretty well for a while a couple different times in my life.  for a year and a half before the weasel i was generally quite content having fun with my incredible group of friends.  then again a couple years ago, after Bobpi and before the ward split, i was quite content with my group of friends. 

companionship, consistent and stable, is the factor that brings the most satisfaction to my life.  i can't be truly happy alone and i don't want to even try to be happy alone.  humans are by nature social beings, we thrive the most when we are surrounded by people who love us and whose company we most enjoy.  my current social situation is not ideal.  i need to find a way to improve that part of my life so i can be happy.  i wish my happiness was based in something other than companionship as that variable is dependent on other people and i, therefore, can not fulfill my need on my own.  i want to be self reliant and self sustaining...but how can i do that when i need people?  grr.

oh, i didn't intend this post to be a rant or a vent.  it's the middle of the night and i probably should be sleeping instead of blogging.  i lose too much inhibition when i'm half asleep and i complain and ramble too much.  oops!  thanks for listening.  if you have any insight or suggestions, please feel free to comment. :)