forgiveness & gratitude

they say that's the solution. i must be making it more difficult than it needs to be, i usually do. it just sounds so simple...just forgive and forget. focus on the positive. it sounds simple but it isn't. i've been seeking to make forgiveness an instinctive part of me for half a lifetime and i'm still so lost. i'm going crazy with ache and holding on. i'm going crazy with fear and doubt, distrust. i want to believe that people are generally good, that love is possible and real, not just a fairy tale. i want to believe friendship is not fleeting, and family is more than blood. i don't want the knot in my chest, the panic and pain. i want peace, love, freedom. i don't know how. i don't know how.