the sun'll come out tomorrow

well, another rejection...but it really wasn't the job for me anyway. i would like to figure out what job is best for me...oh well. my search continues.

as long as i keep my thoughts away from certain topics, life is actually a lot better that i generally let on. i've started sketching. before i ever thought of being a writer, i wanted to be an artist. my favorite classes in elementary and jr high school were always the art classes. i love creating things with my hands. i love painting, generally ceramics or wood. the thought that predominates my mind these days is that i'd like to learn to paint landscapes and portraits.

one of the books i'm currently reading is about an artist. it's actually about an artist who is in a mental institution, his story told from the perspectives of his therapist, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, and letters written between two people from the 1800's with whom the artist is obsessed. the book is very intriguing in many levels for me. it makes me want to paint/sketch, write, and take more psychology classes.

i've been thinking a lot about taking some classes...or even going back to school full-time. i love going to class, discussing and gaining knowledge and ideals, having a reason to get up in the morning, something to focus on and work toward. if i were to go back, either for a second bachelor or a masters degree, i'd be the first in my family to earn either. that thought strongly appeals to me. if money weren't an object i'd stay in school forever. sadly it is an issue and i have no money to spend on much of anything right now.  i do have some better ideas what to study if i did go back...more career focused ideas than i did to begin with. and now that i've been through it once, i have a better idea how to go about my education in a more productive and future-oriented way.

decisions, decisions...how do i decide what to do?

still awake

i'd rather be sleeping, but i have too much on my mind at this moment.  it would be nice if i had someone to talk with, someone who would listen then give me honest and helpful feedback...i feel like that doesn't happen very often when i try talking to people, asking them for help.  maybe it's because the things i need help with are decisions i have to make on my own.  i really wish someone else could make my current decisions for me because i just can't seem to figure it out for myself. 

the trouble is still this dumb job situation.  i just don't know how to find employment that will pay me enough without stealing my soul or causing me to feel completely overwhelmed.  i know i'm probably looking at the situation all wrong, but i can't seem to find a better perspective.  i don't know what i want to do...or what i want to do is either currently out of my reach or simply doesn't pay enough.  i'm not seeking great riches, i just want to make enough so that i can pay my bills and have a bit left over to go to Boston in September and just not have to stress over whether or not my next paycheck is going to cover my minimal expenses.  my talents and desires just don't lie in the workforce...not the lucrative workforce anyway.

i'm exceptional at customer service/retail/cashiering...but there is absolutely no money in that unless i go into management or go back to school for a marketing or business degree.  those ideas send me into a fit of anxiety, so i know those are not the paths for me.  but what is my path?  where does my future lie?  what jobs should i look for?  where should i look?  i've applied for various jobs and have even interviewed for some, but to no avail.  i'm either over qualified, or under qualified.  i can't say with certainty how long i will stay.  i don't have a five year employment plan because the thought of being employed anywhere for the next five years makes me panic.  36.  i'll be 36 years old in five years and the thought of still struggling to get myself out of bed every morning to drag myself to work, pretending i wouldn't rather be at home raising my children that i may never have makes me want to end it all this second.  i really am trying to not be so dramatic, and to have a better outlook and attitude, but it's the hardest thing i've ever done to keep my chin up and be happy for so many others when they have the life i would do anything for and may never acquire.  it kills me a little more every day.  i wish i had ambition for a career, i really do, it would make my life so much easier and more enjoyable.  i have search and tried for over 10 years now to find something that captivates and impassions me, something other than being a wife and mother, but i just can't find anything that even comes close. 

it was easier a few years ago when most of my friends were still single and i had more than a few childbearing years left ahead of me, but now that more friends are married and having children than not, and my window of opportunity is rapidly closing, it's becoming more and more difficult to find any reason to even try.  i'm becoming less desirable by the day.  i really need to find something else for my life to be about, some other hope and dream to reach for and live for.  but what? 

words fail me.  i have nothing to write about except these dumb little whining blog posts that hardly anyone (if anyone at all) reads.  i want to write someone truly worthwhile, captivating, enchanting, life changing, but i know i'll never be a renowned author or poet.  my mind is too often a creative blank these days.  the passion inside me has all but dried up and blown away.  all i have to draw from is disappointment and regret, fear, doubt, discouragement and pain.  who wants to read about that in a world too overly consumed by it all already?  i used to end with hope but i'm afraid i've lost even that.  ugh! i need a change, a vacation, a tryst, a something really great to get my blood flowing again.  i just feel so apathetic and worthless.  i'm invisible, under appreciated, used, trampled, ignored, forgotten, washed up.  i feel so drab and dull...i've lost all vitality and vivacity.  how do i get it back?  i guess sleep might help...sigh.

let's hear it for the boy

recently i've allowed my scars and bitterness to overwhelm my consciousness.  i'm severely frustrated over my relationship status and the recent disappointing lack of reliable male companionship/friendship.  i miss Will.  i miss The Artist (though he has been around more consistently than any other guy...which is why he is my best guy friend of all time).  i miss Photo too.

dwelling on anger and hurt are easier than facing the raw sadness and disappointment that are the true and actual issues.  i worked through it with Will last year which is why i'm not panicking over him, only missing him.  i know he loves me and will always consider me a friend.  he'll always be one of those bookmark people who hold the place in our friendship no matter how long it takes to get to the next sentence or page.  the next time we see each other (however long that may take) we'll pick up where we left off.  it is largely due to his everlasting patience, goodness, and understanding that this is the case.  he cared enough about me to understand my fear and pain and not allow me to push him away or be bitter over whatever changes came to our friendship.  i miss him so much sometimes and i wish we could go back to the days when he actually requested my presence in his daily (or near daily) life.  but! i no longer doubt his sincerity, loyalty, or determination to continue our friendship.  i'm pretty sure if i were to ask, he would willingly acquiesce my request.  i keep hoping he'll just think of me and send a text suggesting we do lunch, it's been over a month and a half now since last we spent time together...

as for Photo...i'm not sure what to do.  i feel like we're stuck at some strange impasse between no man's land and the moon.  i don't know what he wants and i feel like what i want is not important to him.  he's going through a lot right now and i'd like to be a friend he can rely on, but i'm just not sure he even wants my friendship right now...not as far as i define friendship anyway.  i know i can't rely on him for anything i need, but i don't want to completely discontinue contact with him.  i've decided to take a step back and wait for him to decide where the boundaries are.  i won't contact him but i'll respond if he contacts me.  i won't invite him to anything because i feel hurt and rejected when he comes up with some lame excuse to not be around.  however, i will be open to and accepting of whatever time he decides he wants to invite me into.  he knows we have movie night on mondays and he's welcome any time, but his lack of recent attendance leads me to believe he doesn't feel comfortable or just doesn't want to come around.  i wish he'd talk to me, tell me what's going on and where i should stand, but my dear Chelle pointed out to me last night that guys don't talk about things, especially feelings and relationships like women do.  i want some sort of closure or understanding of what to expect but that's not available to me so i will just do the best i can with what i have.

i guess i was spoiled with The Artist. he was always a lot more articulate about his thoughts and feelings than pretty much any other guy i've ever known.  he's the guy i've been close to the longest so i guess i took for granted how well we've always communicated with each other.  Will was similar. though i still haven't figured out how to read him, i can usually get him to open up and talk to me about almost anything.  i haven't figured out how to get Photo to talk...i think he just doesn't want to and you can't make someone do something if they don't want to.  so i'll wait, try not to be consumed with my bitterness, frustration, and hurt, and hope that someday he either comes around or fades away.

i think he has tried, at least a little bit.  the texting is possibly his way of trying to be friends.  i don't like text relationships though.  i require face time.  seeing people, spending time with them, interacting with them, that is how i convince myself of truth.  a text or fb message is too flat, too misleading, too conducive to miscommunication.  i need to see the eyes and hear the tone of voice.  i need to feel the energy and share the air in order to understand and grasp what is real and honest.  i don't know how to adjust or classify friendship when it's so one dimensional...or is it two? i'm never really sure how that works.
anyway, maybe that's why God is so difficult for me to grasp, to commune with.  i believe He's there, know He exists, but can't quite connect because i can't figure out how to use all my senses to interact with Him.

i'm trying.  i'm working through a lot of debris and scars and emotional wreckage, so is Photo.  i hoped we could help each other through it, but perhaps that's not the way we roll right now.  i don't know.

i've been hoping for a new best guy friend, now that my two best are not really available anymore, but it seems that's not an option right now.  i've been hoping for a new boyfriend, now that it's clear Photo doesn't want me anymore...and we're just not right for those roles...but it seems that's not an option either.  so i'll focus on filling my life with other things that make me happy since love (the one thing that would make me happiest of all) is not an option...at least not right now.

24/7/365

i am with me, constantly, so i know and understand me and my thoughts and feelings and how they change.  i know that i'm not depressed all the time.  i know that i'm funny and charming and resilient and too nice.  in person i am shy and reserved or fun and outgoing (depending on who i'm with and how comfortable i feel with them).  in person i whine and complain only when i'm pushed to my extreme limit (which is actually pretty far out there), or when i'm with someone like Bestest Friend who can see right through me and would be offended if i held back my true feelings.  i know that i'm a little bit crazy sometimes, i wear my heart and everything else on my sleeve. in person i am ruled by social mores and an over-consideration for others, therefore, i generally keep my personal troubles and issues to myself.  why then, am i so eager to spread my personal troubles and issues so liberally all over the internet? 

tonight i interacted with some people who are facebook friends but who i don't see on a regular basis.  a couple of them indicated their concern because they had seen several recent rather dismal and distressed statuses on facebook.  i struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably some sort of hormone imbalance, along with some physical issues that make life rather difficult sometimes.  on top of that, i have never handled stress well at all.  sometimes i feel like life is caving in on me, like i just can't handle one more thing.  but that's only sometimes.  sadly, all too often it's those moments when i feel the need to publicize my thoughts.  i don't want to be alone with them.  if i don't put them somewhere they consume me.  if i send them out into the void or put them in the line of sight of others who may lend a kind or encouraging word, they are a little easier to bear.  i figure if people don't care, they'll just ignore me.  if they do care, they'll offer a bit of kindness to help me through or maybe just say a silent prayer on my behalf.  a lot of the time all it takes is getting it out to make it go away and i feel better because i have been allowed to process whatever is on my mind.

also, i am a writer.  we are notorious for coming across as being a bit unhinged sometimes.  our language can be a little dramatic, a little overly emotional, a little highfalutin.  that doesn't mean we're that way constantly, it just comes across in our writing.  facebook, blogger, and other such social networking sites are tricky because we can't always see the audience...i usually forget there is an audience...i've always felt invisible so it's shocking to find out that a few people out there are paying attention.  i do try to put positive and uplifting things out there too, not just the trauma and drama of my life...but so much of my life feels traumatic and dramatic that it's difficult to maintain a balance sometimes. 

i am a writer, therefore, i ought to be writing and pursuing publication and such, right?  well, i finally realized my hesitation.  i don't want to write for mass publication all the dismal and distraught and distressed and depressed that's inside of me.  i want to wait until i get to the other side of sorrow before i begin my life's work.  i am still gathering experience and wisdom and other data from which i will eventually draw my greatest works.  it isn't time.  i need to fully experience the opposition in order to paint the full picture.  i have feasted on the darkness and turmoil, sorrow and pain, but i have only sampled the light and peace, joy and well-being.  i'm working on it but i'm not there yet. 

recently i remembered something i learned in school a couple of years ago.  i was taking 4 classes, one of which was a grammar and usage class.  i strongly disliked this class; it was confusing and the teacher was not good at teaching.  i stressed so much and put so much of my attention into fretting over this grammar class that i neglected the British Lit class i really liked.  i ended up with an A or B in the grammar class and a C in the British Lit class.  i was so mad that i had wasted the semester being so consumed in stress that i didn't have a chance to learn and really enjoy my other classes.  from then on my approach to school changed.  i decided to focus the majority of my attention on the classes i enjoyed and just do what i could on any classes i disliked.  the rest of my education went much better.  i enjoyed more, learned more, and earned much better grades.  i realized yesterday that i need to be better at approaching the rest of my life this way.  i need to focus more of my attention on the things i enjoy, the things that make me happy, and less on the things that make me stressed, anxious, and depressed.

right now my greatest stressors are money (or the lack thereof), and relationships (of all sorts) with men...and the uncertainty of the future.  i've been working my whole life on that last one, just living in the present and not worrying about how things will work out down the road, and i'm getting better, except in those two other areas.  i'm really not sure how to handle the stress of money and relationships right now, so i'm working on pushing those aside so i can focus on bringing the happiness and joy to the forefront of my life and consciousness.

for the foreseeable future, i will do my best to highlight my efforts in my personal pursuit of happiness more often than my struggles against the darkness and depression.

show me the way

i want to go home. tonight it feels very far away.  i don't know how to get there but it's my only desire, my only thought.  my worst fear is that i'll never get there.  i need rest. i feel like i'm out of control; pieces of me flying away in all directions. i want to be wrapped up, held together by someone who truly cares, just for a moment so i can catch my breath and regain my footing. i just want to feel safe and protected (from even myself), just for a little while.

i just want to go home.
please, someone, show me the way to go home.