recently i've allowed my scars and bitterness to overwhelm my consciousness. i'm severely frustrated over my relationship status and the recent disappointing lack of reliable male companionship/friendship. i miss Will. i miss The Artist (though he has been around more consistently than any other guy...which is why he is my best guy friend of all time). i miss Photo too.
dwelling on anger and hurt are easier than facing the raw sadness and disappointment that are the true and actual issues. i worked through it with Will last year which is why i'm not panicking over him, only missing him. i know he loves me and will always consider me a friend. he'll always be one of those bookmark people who hold the place in our friendship no matter how long it takes to get to the next sentence or page. the next time we see each other (however long that may take) we'll pick up where we left off. it is largely due to his everlasting patience, goodness, and understanding that this is the case. he cared enough about me to understand my fear and pain and not allow me to push him away or be bitter over whatever changes came to our friendship. i miss him so much sometimes and i wish we could go back to the days when he actually requested my presence in his daily (or near daily) life. but! i no longer doubt his sincerity, loyalty, or determination to continue our friendship. i'm pretty sure if i were to ask, he would willingly acquiesce my request. i keep hoping he'll just think of me and send a text suggesting we do lunch, it's been over a month and a half now since last we spent time together...
as for Photo...i'm not sure what to do. i feel like we're stuck at some strange impasse between no man's land and the moon. i don't know what he wants and i feel like what i want is not important to him. he's going through a lot right now and i'd like to be a friend he can rely on, but i'm just not sure he even wants my friendship right now...not as far as i define friendship anyway. i know i can't rely on him for anything i need, but i don't want to completely discontinue contact with him. i've decided to take a step back and wait for him to decide where the boundaries are. i won't contact him but i'll respond if he contacts me. i won't invite him to anything because i feel hurt and rejected when he comes up with some lame excuse to not be around. however, i will be open to and accepting of whatever time he decides he wants to invite me into. he knows we have movie night on mondays and he's welcome any time, but his lack of recent attendance leads me to believe he doesn't feel comfortable or just doesn't want to come around. i wish he'd talk to me, tell me what's going on and where i should stand, but my dear Chelle pointed out to me last night that guys don't talk about things, especially feelings and relationships like women do. i want some sort of closure or understanding of what to expect but that's not available to me so i will just do the best i can with what i have.
i guess i was spoiled with The Artist. he was always a lot more articulate about his thoughts and feelings than pretty much any other guy i've ever known. he's the guy i've been close to the longest so i guess i took for granted how well we've always communicated with each other. Will was similar. though i still haven't figured out how to read him, i can usually get him to open up and talk to me about almost anything. i haven't figured out how to get Photo to talk...i think he just doesn't want to and you can't make someone do something if they don't want to. so i'll wait, try not to be consumed with my bitterness, frustration, and hurt, and hope that someday he either comes around or fades away.
i think he has tried, at least a little bit. the texting is possibly his way of trying to be friends. i don't like text relationships though. i require face time. seeing people, spending time with them, interacting with them, that is how i convince myself of truth. a text or fb message is too flat, too misleading, too conducive to miscommunication. i need to see the eyes and hear the tone of voice. i need to feel the energy and share the air in order to understand and grasp what is real and honest. i don't know how to adjust or classify friendship when it's so one dimensional...or is it two? i'm never really sure how that works.
anyway, maybe that's why God is so difficult for me to grasp, to commune with. i believe He's there, know He exists, but can't quite connect because i can't figure out how to use all my senses to interact with Him.
i'm trying. i'm working through a lot of debris and scars and emotional wreckage, so is Photo. i hoped we could help each other through it, but perhaps that's not the way we roll right now. i don't know.
i've been hoping for a new best guy friend, now that my two best are not really available anymore, but it seems that's not an option right now. i've been hoping for a new boyfriend, now that it's clear Photo doesn't want me anymore...and we're just not right for those roles...but it seems that's not an option either. so i'll focus on filling my life with other things that make me happy since love (the one thing that would make me happiest of all) is not an option...at least not right now.
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