still awake

i'd rather be sleeping, but i have too much on my mind at this moment.  it would be nice if i had someone to talk with, someone who would listen then give me honest and helpful feedback...i feel like that doesn't happen very often when i try talking to people, asking them for help.  maybe it's because the things i need help with are decisions i have to make on my own.  i really wish someone else could make my current decisions for me because i just can't seem to figure it out for myself. 

the trouble is still this dumb job situation.  i just don't know how to find employment that will pay me enough without stealing my soul or causing me to feel completely overwhelmed.  i know i'm probably looking at the situation all wrong, but i can't seem to find a better perspective.  i don't know what i want to do...or what i want to do is either currently out of my reach or simply doesn't pay enough.  i'm not seeking great riches, i just want to make enough so that i can pay my bills and have a bit left over to go to Boston in September and just not have to stress over whether or not my next paycheck is going to cover my minimal expenses.  my talents and desires just don't lie in the workforce...not the lucrative workforce anyway.

i'm exceptional at customer service/retail/cashiering...but there is absolutely no money in that unless i go into management or go back to school for a marketing or business degree.  those ideas send me into a fit of anxiety, so i know those are not the paths for me.  but what is my path?  where does my future lie?  what jobs should i look for?  where should i look?  i've applied for various jobs and have even interviewed for some, but to no avail.  i'm either over qualified, or under qualified.  i can't say with certainty how long i will stay.  i don't have a five year employment plan because the thought of being employed anywhere for the next five years makes me panic.  36.  i'll be 36 years old in five years and the thought of still struggling to get myself out of bed every morning to drag myself to work, pretending i wouldn't rather be at home raising my children that i may never have makes me want to end it all this second.  i really am trying to not be so dramatic, and to have a better outlook and attitude, but it's the hardest thing i've ever done to keep my chin up and be happy for so many others when they have the life i would do anything for and may never acquire.  it kills me a little more every day.  i wish i had ambition for a career, i really do, it would make my life so much easier and more enjoyable.  i have search and tried for over 10 years now to find something that captivates and impassions me, something other than being a wife and mother, but i just can't find anything that even comes close. 

it was easier a few years ago when most of my friends were still single and i had more than a few childbearing years left ahead of me, but now that more friends are married and having children than not, and my window of opportunity is rapidly closing, it's becoming more and more difficult to find any reason to even try.  i'm becoming less desirable by the day.  i really need to find something else for my life to be about, some other hope and dream to reach for and live for.  but what? 

words fail me.  i have nothing to write about except these dumb little whining blog posts that hardly anyone (if anyone at all) reads.  i want to write someone truly worthwhile, captivating, enchanting, life changing, but i know i'll never be a renowned author or poet.  my mind is too often a creative blank these days.  the passion inside me has all but dried up and blown away.  all i have to draw from is disappointment and regret, fear, doubt, discouragement and pain.  who wants to read about that in a world too overly consumed by it all already?  i used to end with hope but i'm afraid i've lost even that.  ugh! i need a change, a vacation, a tryst, a something really great to get my blood flowing again.  i just feel so apathetic and worthless.  i'm invisible, under appreciated, used, trampled, ignored, forgotten, washed up.  i feel so drab and dull...i've lost all vitality and vivacity.  how do i get it back?  i guess sleep might help...sigh.