teach me

right now i'm in great need of that faith i mentioned in my last post.  my heart hurts in a most familiar way. what is the lesson i'm supposed to learn from this recurring heartbreak? inner strength? the ability to face the moment with dignity and grace? patience? hope?

i really hope this time i learn whatever it is that i've failed thus far to learn so i never have to feel this way again.

enlightened

life is interesting.  about a month ago i was invited to a dinner at the home of a couple from my ward.  at that time i couldn't bring myself to engage in that sort of social situation so i politely declined.  about a week ago i received another call, again, inviting me to dinner.  this time i decided that i should make an effort to be a little more involved in my ward so i said i'd go.  just before i left the house i told my parents that i wasn't sure i was really up for making small talk with a bunch of strangers.  i despise small talk with strangers.  it's exhausting to pretend to be interested in the shallow and mundane in the lives of people i probably won't ever talk with again.  i know, that's a terrible attitude and i need to be better at being truly interested in whatever people want to talk about.  i just always feel like there's something more interesting and important that we could be discussing but it's socially awkward and uncomfortable to dive into such topics with strangers, so i was pleasantly surprised when a friend showed up.  we've known each other for a while but we haven't spent a lot of time together.  every time we do, however, we have great conversations and i sometimes feel like we've been a lot closer friends for a lot longer.  she is so inspiring and encouraging.  i always feel better about myself and life in general after talking with her.  i'm so grateful that she was there.  i felt more confident interacting with the rest of the people because i felt accepted by her and therefore confident to be myself.

this friend has actually been on my mind a lot recently.  i haven't really known why, but tonight as we talked i think i may have caught a glimpse.  i also received a glimpse of the bigger picture of my life.  i've been feeling really lost and confused recently, trying to figure out what my life is about, what purpose i have in existing at all.  my life doesn't follow "normal" pathways.  i keep thinking there must be something wrong with me because i can't get my decisions to match up with what society deems the "acceptable" way to do life.  i do what feels right at any given moment and follow my heart and intuition much more than i follow logic or intellectually planned pursuits.  my frustration in life comes from trying to follow a direction that isn't right for me.  i mentioned to my friend that it will be interesting to look back at the end of it all and finally be able to say "oh, now i see, all those pieces and steps and seemingly completely disconnected and totally random happenings actually had purpose and structure all along."

i love my new job.  it's a lot like my job at the bookstore, except that it's totally different.  my favorite difference is that it's still retail, but there's no emphasis on being a sales person.  it's non-profit, one of a kind, so much more variety of artwork, inside the museum, officially working for The Church, and i get a badge that opens doors and allows me to park in downtown parking lots around temple square.  over the last couple weeks i have noticed certain things that make me think i am in the right place and that choices i've made in the past have been correct for me and have led me to this place right now.  my hope is that this position will lead to a more permanent, full time, benefitted position within The Church.

after dinner my friend and i stood by my car and talked for a while longer.  we talked about employment and relationships and church callings and life.  we talked about how all human interaction and life experience can help each individual become the person they want to be and find the person they want to marry.  i can find in other people the characteristics i want to possess in myself and i can also identify characteristics i don't want to be a part of me.  each relationship (whether romantic or platonic) i've had has taught me something about myself and something about the people with whom i want to interact and integrate into my life. 

during the course of our conversation my friend said that she wants her future sweetheart to have faith like mine.  i don't think i have particularly strong faith.  i feel like my faith is weak and desperately wanting.  i doubt and fear and have little to no confidence most of the time.  but now and then i have moments like this one when i know i've made the right decision.  what i need to learn, what i've been struggling for most of my life to accept is that my intuition is usually correct.  my decisions, ridiculous and counter-intuitive though they may seem at the time i make them, are generally right and are building a foundation for something in the future i just can't see yet.  so it doesn't matter how many people judge me or are disappointed in the decisions i make because they don't add up to what society says i should be doing.  i'm doing what is right for me and that's all that matters. 

i'm grateful for friends who help me explore the difficult topics and help me to understand myself and others better.  i'm grateful for the people who are genuinely enthusiastic and encouraging and supportive of my ideals and dreams and decisions.  i'm grateful for a Heavenly plan that allows me to make mistakes and take detours and come to my own conclusions about things while always providing lessons to learn and mercy to help me find my way back to where i ultimately want to be.  i'm grateful for timing and for the glimpses i get to see of when timing plays out perfectly for my personal benefit...such as putting off going to dinner one month so i could go the next month when my friend was there so we could have a conversation that led to all sorts of insight and enlightenment!

now i just need to figure out how to apply this faith to my love life.  i need to convince myself that the love of my life does exist, that he is out there and it's just a matter of timing and purpose and we will be together when it's right.  my friend said she thinks it would be fun to double date with me sometime so she's praying for the opportunity...and the men.  ha ha ha! friends are great!

incomplete

sometimes i miss someone i'm not even sure exists.  a feeling of deep and profound absence, almost loss, washes me away and i am overcome with sadness and wanting. my arms ache to hold him. i'd give anything and everything just to hear his voice or feel his hand in mine. i want to see him, talk with him, share the same air and space with him. i want to look into his eyes and know that i exist because he sees me and wants to know every ounce of me. i want to run my fingers through his hair, hold his stubbly face in my hands, feel his arms around me...

part of me is still clinging to threads of hope that somewhere out there is a love meant just for me and that someday...hopefully soon...we'll finally find each other.

am i buying in to too many fairy tales and romance novels? am i meant to be one of the loveless, eternally incomplete? i really hope not. Will told me once that of all the people he knows i deserve to be loved and i am very capable of loving. but we don't always get what we deserve...and our capabilities and talents are often not utilized as we'd like. sigh...i don't know what else i can do.

goodnight my someone, good night my love...i miss you, are you missing me too?

should i...or not...pt. 2

i almost quit my job at the bookstore today. after hours of working on the same wall of word art and clocks, the piece of art i reached for knocked against another frame and two pictures with glass fell from the wall and shattered. i wanted to scream and cry and throw the rest of the art on the ground. i wanted to throw a tantrum and storm out.  i'm overwhelmed and i feel like i have nowhere to turn for relief. i'm doing my best but my best isn't good enough at the moment.  i feel completely out of control and i don't know what to do.  what i want most, what would make the greatest difference just isn't available.  a dear friend (preferably male) with arms and at least one ear...i still don't understand why that's too much to ask. 

anyway, i toughed it out, thanks to D and a rather fortuitous visit from Paul-daul.  i still want to quit.  i dread going in tomorrow and particularly Thursday...well, i guess it's only three hours tomorrow, and the boss won't be there Thursday...but the art project i'm working on will take at least through the end of the week...and what little energy and possibly sanity i have left.  i haven't had a day off in almost a month and i haven't been sleeping well...and i'm desperately deprived of affection and i just don't know how much longer i can take any of this.  i'm just so done with life!  ugh!

i just don't know what to do. 

i didn't walk away from the "friend" either. i was frustrated and emotional and just plain stressed and i let disappointment and discouragement overwhelm me.  i'm still sad that things aren't different between us, better between us, but i'm doing my best to make the best of things.  i don't walk away from things just because they aren't ideal.  i'm a fighter, a survivor.  i'm loyal and passionate and searching for the life that fits my dreams and personality. i'm not in the life i want and i can't seem to figure out how to get there.  i'm doing my best to make the best of the life i'm in...i just don't like it at this moment.  ugh...

anyway, for the moment i'm not leaving but i'm definitely adjusting some priorities and scheduling.

should i stay or should i go now?

this seems to be the question of my life right now. well, maybe not my whole life but a couple of fairly key areas. the bookstore, and a certain "friendship." in these two relationships i feel that i give all i have and get so very little in return. i'm really not a fan of one-sided situations. i'm not even treated as valued or appreciated. so why do i stay? why do i keep trying and wasting so much time and energy on people and things that stress me out and sadden my heart? i'm doing it again...i'm allowing my concern for another to negate my own needs and well being. they don't actually care about me, their only concern is their own priorities (which i am not even on the list). so why do i stay?

well, i'm staying at the bookstore because i love my coworkers and even though my new job at the museum is great and pays much better, it's still not enough to wittle away my student loans and credit card debt. i wish they could hire me on full time instead of part time. that would be perfect! but such a position is not currently available. maybe in a few months. i'm trying to convince myself that this is the open door i've been hoping and praying and searching for. i guess we'll see.

as for the other matter...i don't know what to do. i'm tired of always being the half of the relationship that cares more and puts forth the most effort. i'm about ready to just walk away from the whole thing. i feel so...unconsidered. i'm meaningless and neglected. that's the way of people these days though. they care more about themselves or things or whatever than they care about me.  no one has time for me...uninterrupted, undivided time and attention just for me. i guess i should get over it already. i hoped that being busier with working two jobs would help me forget, or at least push it away, but i only feel more lonely and invisible.  i guess maybe it is time for me to go away.