enlightened

life is interesting.  about a month ago i was invited to a dinner at the home of a couple from my ward.  at that time i couldn't bring myself to engage in that sort of social situation so i politely declined.  about a week ago i received another call, again, inviting me to dinner.  this time i decided that i should make an effort to be a little more involved in my ward so i said i'd go.  just before i left the house i told my parents that i wasn't sure i was really up for making small talk with a bunch of strangers.  i despise small talk with strangers.  it's exhausting to pretend to be interested in the shallow and mundane in the lives of people i probably won't ever talk with again.  i know, that's a terrible attitude and i need to be better at being truly interested in whatever people want to talk about.  i just always feel like there's something more interesting and important that we could be discussing but it's socially awkward and uncomfortable to dive into such topics with strangers, so i was pleasantly surprised when a friend showed up.  we've known each other for a while but we haven't spent a lot of time together.  every time we do, however, we have great conversations and i sometimes feel like we've been a lot closer friends for a lot longer.  she is so inspiring and encouraging.  i always feel better about myself and life in general after talking with her.  i'm so grateful that she was there.  i felt more confident interacting with the rest of the people because i felt accepted by her and therefore confident to be myself.

this friend has actually been on my mind a lot recently.  i haven't really known why, but tonight as we talked i think i may have caught a glimpse.  i also received a glimpse of the bigger picture of my life.  i've been feeling really lost and confused recently, trying to figure out what my life is about, what purpose i have in existing at all.  my life doesn't follow "normal" pathways.  i keep thinking there must be something wrong with me because i can't get my decisions to match up with what society deems the "acceptable" way to do life.  i do what feels right at any given moment and follow my heart and intuition much more than i follow logic or intellectually planned pursuits.  my frustration in life comes from trying to follow a direction that isn't right for me.  i mentioned to my friend that it will be interesting to look back at the end of it all and finally be able to say "oh, now i see, all those pieces and steps and seemingly completely disconnected and totally random happenings actually had purpose and structure all along."

i love my new job.  it's a lot like my job at the bookstore, except that it's totally different.  my favorite difference is that it's still retail, but there's no emphasis on being a sales person.  it's non-profit, one of a kind, so much more variety of artwork, inside the museum, officially working for The Church, and i get a badge that opens doors and allows me to park in downtown parking lots around temple square.  over the last couple weeks i have noticed certain things that make me think i am in the right place and that choices i've made in the past have been correct for me and have led me to this place right now.  my hope is that this position will lead to a more permanent, full time, benefitted position within The Church.

after dinner my friend and i stood by my car and talked for a while longer.  we talked about employment and relationships and church callings and life.  we talked about how all human interaction and life experience can help each individual become the person they want to be and find the person they want to marry.  i can find in other people the characteristics i want to possess in myself and i can also identify characteristics i don't want to be a part of me.  each relationship (whether romantic or platonic) i've had has taught me something about myself and something about the people with whom i want to interact and integrate into my life. 

during the course of our conversation my friend said that she wants her future sweetheart to have faith like mine.  i don't think i have particularly strong faith.  i feel like my faith is weak and desperately wanting.  i doubt and fear and have little to no confidence most of the time.  but now and then i have moments like this one when i know i've made the right decision.  what i need to learn, what i've been struggling for most of my life to accept is that my intuition is usually correct.  my decisions, ridiculous and counter-intuitive though they may seem at the time i make them, are generally right and are building a foundation for something in the future i just can't see yet.  so it doesn't matter how many people judge me or are disappointed in the decisions i make because they don't add up to what society says i should be doing.  i'm doing what is right for me and that's all that matters. 

i'm grateful for friends who help me explore the difficult topics and help me to understand myself and others better.  i'm grateful for the people who are genuinely enthusiastic and encouraging and supportive of my ideals and dreams and decisions.  i'm grateful for a Heavenly plan that allows me to make mistakes and take detours and come to my own conclusions about things while always providing lessons to learn and mercy to help me find my way back to where i ultimately want to be.  i'm grateful for timing and for the glimpses i get to see of when timing plays out perfectly for my personal benefit...such as putting off going to dinner one month so i could go the next month when my friend was there so we could have a conversation that led to all sorts of insight and enlightenment!

now i just need to figure out how to apply this faith to my love life.  i need to convince myself that the love of my life does exist, that he is out there and it's just a matter of timing and purpose and we will be together when it's right.  my friend said she thinks it would be fun to double date with me sometime so she's praying for the opportunity...and the men.  ha ha ha! friends are great!