i almost quit my job at the bookstore today. after hours of working on the same wall of word art and clocks, the piece of art i reached for knocked against another frame and two pictures with glass fell from the wall and shattered. i wanted to scream and cry and throw the rest of the art on the ground. i wanted to throw a tantrum and storm out. i'm overwhelmed and i feel like i have nowhere to turn for relief. i'm doing my best but my best isn't good enough at the moment. i feel completely out of control and i don't know what to do. what i want most, what would make the greatest difference just isn't available. a dear friend (preferably male) with arms and at least one ear...i still don't understand why that's too much to ask.
anyway, i toughed it out, thanks to D and a rather fortuitous visit from Paul-daul. i still want to quit. i dread going in tomorrow and particularly Thursday...well, i guess it's only three hours tomorrow, and the boss won't be there Thursday...but the art project i'm working on will take at least through the end of the week...and what little energy and possibly sanity i have left. i haven't had a day off in almost a month and i haven't been sleeping well...and i'm desperately deprived of affection and i just don't know how much longer i can take any of this. i'm just so done with life! ugh!
i just don't know what to do.
i didn't walk away from the "friend" either. i was frustrated and emotional and just plain stressed and i let disappointment and discouragement overwhelm me. i'm still sad that things aren't different between us, better between us, but i'm doing my best to make the best of things. i don't walk away from things just because they aren't ideal. i'm a fighter, a survivor. i'm loyal and passionate and searching for the life that fits my dreams and personality. i'm not in the life i want and i can't seem to figure out how to get there. i'm doing my best to make the best of the life i'm in...i just don't like it at this moment. ugh...
anyway, for the moment i'm not leaving but i'm definitely adjusting some priorities and scheduling.
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