I know that by blaming it on the Muse (or lack thereof) I'm simply shifting the responsibility but it's easier than putting in the effort...or worse, admitting that I'm just not good enough.
Actually, I like my poetry. I think I'm pretty good; not the best, by far, but after reading a lot of poems by a lot of other students, I'm at least as good as them, possibly better than some (not to be prideful or anything).
I knew it wasn't a good idea to tell him he was inspiring the poet in me. Actually, that would have been fine. Even showing him some of my poetry was okay, it was the last one I showed him that broke the spell. It's not even such a great poem. I definitely should have kept that one to myself. It's okay.
Things have been a little weird between us over the last couple of months since. He's been busy with many other things and his own life. I've been working through more of the residual emotional hangups that I thought I was done with. He's still around and once in a while a moment suspends and we exchange the beginnings of a conversation. But inevitably, someone else comes along and distracts his attention...and I haven't regained enough confidence to request more words in an extended moment. A lot of my recent aggression and frustration is because of my ineptitude with words...particularly spoken ones. I don't know how to say what I want to say. I don't know how to ask for what I want or need...not from him anyway.
Ok, this is ridiculous. I'm done with my lack of confidence. I'm done with my fear. I'm done holding myself back from getting what I want. These guys are good guys. They are good friends, at least they would be if I'd just open myself up and let them interact positively in my life. I learn from history not so I fear the present but so I can live and create a better future. So, no more allowing myself to be held captive in the present by the fear of repeating the past. I'm done. I know what happened before and I know how to avoid it. I don't have to put up walls, I just have to see the warning signs, and set and regulate boundaries to protect myself. Running away from everyone is not protecting myself, it's surviving in fear.
I'm not a victim.
I'm a confident, competent beautiful woman who deserves to live a full and enjoyable life. I've made mistakes. I've let myself be hurt. I've probably hurt others. But that is all in the past. I've worked and struggled through and I've made phenomenal progress. I can write. I can do whatever I put my mind to. One day I'll write my masterpiece. One day I'll find the love of my life. One day, probably very soon, I'll be filled with peace and freedom instead of anger and fear.
I don't need a Muse to write well, it just makes the process a little easier. ;-) And what I actually miss most is the friendship we could have had. I'm grateful, though, for the knowledge that it's not too late to make up for lost time.
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