Sensitivity

It's a condition that has plagued me my whole life. I call it, "thin skin syndrome" and it's not so fun to live with. I've done a lot of things and tried a lot of treatments, but so far I have not found a cure for this sometimes debilitating condition. It's not a constant struggle, it comes and goes and sometimes isn't a problem at all, but every so often it sneaks up before I have my protective gear on and then I'm left vulnerable and hurt.

Right now I feel like I'm being intentionally excluded. I feel like I'm being elbowed out, like I'm not wanted in the group I brought together. My sensitivity is on high alert and the tears are pushing toward the surface. Why can't we all just live together in harmonious equality?

I'm not a center-of-attention type, I rarely seek it, and often feel uncomfortable when I have the attention of a big group. I'm a one-on-one person, I like individual attention. I'm not at all competitive, I strongly believe in taking turns. I'm not quick with words or diplomatic in confronting uncomfortable situations. I'm terribly passive-aggressive (hence why I write my frustrations here instead of confronting the situation). I'm overly considerate of others, even though others are rarely (if ever) considerate of me. I'm a nice person and I just want others to be nice to me.

I've tried to be less sensitive. I've always seen my thin skin as a weakness, even though I've been told it's one of my strengths. Supposedly it goes hand in hand with my compassion for others, but to me it seems to backfire instead. I'm so willing to take the back step to help others succeed or acquire their desires that most of the time my own wishes and hopes are shattered or trampled. There's got to be a way that I can have what I want without it being at the expense of what someone else wants.

On the other hand, once in a while a person comes into my life that just makes me uncomfortable and I have a really difficult time being kind and compassionate to them. So maybe this is punishment for the way I've been acting toward GameBoy.

I don't know why he all of a sudden wants to be all buddy-buddy with me, I'm sure he just wants friends and he feels like we are friends since we've been acquainted for almost 17 years. We were never close, have barely seen each other or talked to each other in that time, but suddenly here we are. I'm uncomfortable around him for reasons I can't explain. He seems to think he knows me, but everything he says about me is rather completely inaccurate. He doesn't seem to understand social boundaries and has a difficult time being able to function within a group. Most of the time he just singles me out to talk to, which would be okay (like I said, I'm more for one-on-one anyway) except we have very little, if anything in common, and a lot of the time he brings up topics that make me uncomfortable. Generally I'm fairly friendly and accepting of people, I don't know why I feel so hostile toward his attempts at friendship...except that I guess I took it a little as the Fates giving me a slap in the face. I've been wanting to be better friends with certain guys, but the guys who are most interested in being friends with me are the ones that make me uncomfortable. Not fair.

This leads to another problem I'm having. In seeing this paradox, I can't help but wonder if the guys I want to be friends with see me the way I see GameBoy. Do I make them uncomfortable? Are they wishing I would go away so they could get the attention of the person they really want to be talking to? Am I socially awkward and just don't realize it? Am I merely tolerated instead of wanted? The Artist, Chelle, and Little J have assured me this is not the case, but I wonder.

At any rate, I made a decision this week that I need to be kinder to GameBoy (and a few other similar guys who are trying to be my friend). I need to stop worrying if they "like" me (my fear is that if I'm nice to them even a little they will see it as an invitation to come on to me) and just treat them like the valid and valuable people they are.

I guess, in being disappointed over my unrealized desires and expectations, I've become a little snobby toward the hopes and wishes of others. I should just be happy and honored that anyone wants to be my friend, eh?

I'm working on love. I need to be more loving toward those to whom love does not come so easily. Maybe if I could remember how to give unconditional love, I would start feeling it coming back to me.