Courage

I need more courage. I need more confidence to be myself and stop holding myself back. Words are a huge part of who I am and what I want to do with my life, and yet, I've become afraid of my own voice (whether spoken or written). I used to write so freely, now I'm jaded and have become too careful with what I write. The greatest writers in history were bold and heedless of critics. It's not so much the critics I'm worried about, it's the regular people who might read something I write, take it out of context or claim offense, and attack me and my writing. I'm silenced because I'm too afraid of what other people think...
I'm also too nice, too considerate of others: always putting the feelings and needs of others before my own. I don't know how to not do that. My needs are just as important as anyone else's, right? So I'm learning to ask.

The trouble is that even when you ask, if it's dependent on someone else, there's always the chance they will say no. A couple weeks ago I wanted something from Gonzo but didn't have the courage to ask. Instead I asked, "hypothetically" if he would have said yes, or if he would say yes in the future. To which he replied, "You never know until you just ask." But I like to know the answer before I ask the question! He also said, "Don't ask if you can ask, just ask."
Last night I wanted a moment of his time, so I worked up my courage and sent a text. He didn't respond until this morning. He apologized and said his phone was off. I convinced myself to take him at his word, though I'm struggling to suppress my skepticism. Today I asked again. He said he was busy. I said, "right then, i was only practicing anyway." He asked if it was good practice, (though I'm not sure what he meant by that) I told him, "well, I asked." He apologized and said he'd call if things ended early. They didn't.

It's okay. It's probably better if I don't ask the questions I'm having trouble suppressing. It's probably best if I distance myself from men in general right now. I've been trying to be friends with them, develop some connections to get myself comfortable around men again. The Artist doesn't count because he's been around so long that he's more like a brother to me. But I get so anxious around other men these days. I was fine during the summer and really, most of last year in general. It's just been the last couple of months...but then, I'm always more anxious and emotional in winter.

I know I need to be getting out and meeting new men. I need to find my confidence and my flirtatiousness and just start meeting lots of people (men in particular). I just don't know how these days. More and more often I find myself thinking of secluding myself, locking myself away from society and just creating my own reality in my writing. I can write anything I want if I don't have friends...then I have no one to fear offending.

Not that my writing is really offensive, but people seem to take a great deal of offense over things that (quite often) have nothing to do with them. But then, maybe they're offended over being excluded or something, I don't know.

I've been learning to lighten up and not take offense so easily. I used to be the worst at that. I don't know if it was some sort of paranoia or what, but I thought everyone was out to hurt me or mock me or whatever. Now I see that people really don't notice me or care enough about me to do anything intentionally toward me, positive or negative. People really don't think about me often at all. I kinda wish they did. I guess everyone wants someone to think of them...I think I'm rambling now.

Anyway, I'm looking for courage and confidence. Maybe one day I'll find them. Then perhaps I'll finally find the freedom to write something really worth reading.