Get Over Yourself

Yesterday was not a bad day. I made the beginning worse than it was by my attitude. I began yesterday selfishly, wanting someone outside myself to make me feel worthwhile. I wanted love and affection. I wanted someone to prove that they care about me. The best way to make a bad day is to begin by focusing on yourself.

I knew what I was doing and yet I did it anyway.

As the day progressed, I interacted with friends and classmates and co-workers which changed my attitude and perspective. Work was super slow, so I chatted in my mind with God. I told Him I was sorry for going about life in the wrong way. I told Him I was sorry for putting the opinions and desires of others ahead of His own. I told Him I was sorry for putting my own will ahead of His. I know that if I just give up my will to Him, as it says in the scriptures, that my life will be better and happier, more worthwhile and fulfilling. And yet, I fight it. I convince myself that I know best, or I give into fear that He won't be there when I finally turn around.

Last night Niffer and I went to institute. I completely forgot last week but felt like it was where I needed to be. I've been anxious and fretful about certain situations in my life that I can't figure out (which is part of my recent discord with God). The speaker, Elder F. Enzio Busche (an emeritus member of the 1st Quorum of the Seventy), addressed many of the concerns that have recently been weighing on my mind.

1. I Am a Child of God: He loves me and will never leave me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to be happy. I am of worth because I am His. "You are loved; you are known; you are a special person." "You're my son [daughter]. Everything will be okay; trust me."

2. What direction do I go? Because I am a child of God, I have the right and responsibility to ask Him (through prayer) for direction...and He will answer.

3. Love is the antithesis of fear. When we are afraid, there is no room for love; but when we fill our hearts with love, we have no room for fear. "Every pain that we have comes from fear...laughing helps...Pray for love. Pray: Fill my soul with love."

• Moroni 8:16 "...and I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear."
  
• 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
  
• 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..."

4. The purpose of life is learning. Everything is learning! Expand your consciousness; see how much more is in you.

All of this really helped me put things into perspective. I'm not where I want to be, but I have some stepping stones to help me get there. I'm starting with love. Every human interaction (with ourselves, just as much as with others) needs to begin with love. When we begin with love, everything else takes care of itself.

The trick is having pure, true, charity love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth..."

I'm really bad at a lot of that. I'm impatient, jealous, selfish/self-centered, prideful, sometimes unkind in my thoughts if not in my words and deeds...I doubt and fear and give up too easily. But, I want to replace all that with charity. I want to love everyone. I want to be a source of refuge and rest, peace and kindness for those around me. I want to be a good friend and human being. And I want to do it all without worrying about my wants and needs. Because in loving and fulfilling the needs and desires of others, my own will be filled as well.

And then I won't be afraid to tell people I love them. I won't be afraid to say the good and kind and needful things. I just need to learn to love more truly and selflessly.