rambling a little

I'm thinking of not going to school tomorrow. I have only one class, and all we're doing is reading each others papers. I know I owe my classmates the same attention to their writing as they will be giving to mine, but with the snow...I might justify it.

The week is half over and it's been a good week. Even Tuesday, my long day at school, I kept myself in a good attitude without needing much outside help. I can't decide what is the better option for tomorrow. Last Thursday wasn't so good and I'm afraid of a relapse. Maybe a little more sleep, some food, and not having to worry about traveling in the snow would make for a better day. Then again, maybe not. Maybe it's better to stick to the routine, even if it seems to be a waste of time, it's actually better. I know some adjustments to make from last week. It didn't get dismal until after school, but I have a different plan for tomorrow.

I'm having a little trouble tonight. We're studying Ralph Waldo Emerson in my American Lit class this week. Until now most of the reading has been Puritan and pretty boring, but now that we're getting into the Transcendentalists I'm absolutely devouring their words. I love the freedom of thought and the inspiration and creativity that comes to me through their words. I was supposed to read Emerson's "Nature" the other day but only got through a couple of pages when one little sentence caught my attention and I had to write my own thoughts. Today we talked about how Emerson probably never made it through very many books in their entirety because his ideals were all about listening to your own intuition and creating your own ideals. In his "The Divinity School Address" Emerson said, "It cannot be received at second hand. Truly speaking, it is not instruction, but provocation, that I can receive from another soul...I must find true in me..." My teacher was saying how Emerson would start reading someone else's work, then get caught by his own intuition and start scribbling his thoughts in his own journals, leaving the book unfinished.

That's what I do. I have finished reading a lot of books in my life, but I always read with a paper and pen, or my computer open to a blank screen. Something catches my attention and sparks my own "intuition" and I take off.

Today I wished I had time and the undivided attention of some mind and soul very much like my own. As I was reading, it wasn't enough just to write about it, I wanted to dig in and really discuss. Class is good, but the professor talks a lot and it's not really a good equally yoked exploration and connection of two minds. I put a quote on Facebook, hoping someone would read it and comment, starting a discussion there, but no one even "liked" it. It was long, I know, but it was too provoking to cut it short. I'm posting it here too.

"...be to them a divine man; be to them thought and virtue; let their timid aspirations find in you a friend; let their trampled instincts be genially tempted out in your atmosphere; let their doubts know that you have doubted, and their wonder feel that you have wondered. By trusting your own soul, you shall gain greater confidence in other men. For all our penny-wisdom, for all our soul destroying slavery to habit, it is not to be doubted, that all men have sublime thoughts...they love to be heard...we mark with light in the memory the few interviews, we have had in dreary years of routine and sin, with souls that make our souls wiser; that spoke what we thought; that told us what we knew; that gave us leave to be what we inly were. Discharge to men the priestly office, and, present or absent, you shall be followed with their love as by an angel."

So many delicious insights and amazing understandings in this passage. I wish I had words to equal his sentiment and eloquence.

I want to be that kind of person. I want to be that kind of friend. I want to encourage and put people at ease so they can find the divinity and worth in themselves so they can accomplish their great potentials. I want people to feel better about themselves and about life in general after being around me. I want to be that kind of person that encourages souls to be wiser, and helps people feel like it's okay to just be them.

I wish I had someone to discuss this and other passages with, but I guess I haven't met the ones who speak what I think and tell me what I know. I have some good conversations with some good friends, but nothing that makes me feel quite the connection I'm searching for. I'm not sure I've ever had that with anyone...Maybe some day. Maybe not. I guess I'll have to settle for connecting with the literary geniuses of the past and stop looking for one in the present. It would be nice to feel like I'm being heard though. I hear them through the books I read, but books can't listen. Books can't respond to my specific questions. But, they'll have to do for now.

For some reason it seems that connection isn't available to me right now...not the deep, transcendent connections I crave anyway. But it's okay, maybe some day. For now I'll just read, and then write here I guess.

If anyone is out there, thanks for listening to my rambles :)