A Good Day

For the last week and a half my friend and I have been trying to go see a movie. I asked him last weekend if we could go and he said yes, but then other things happened instead so we didn't go. I thought he'd forget or just go see it on his own or with a different friend for something, but he didn't. We've been texting all week trying to find a time that would work. Finally, he sent me a text around 11am that said, "today" to which I responded, "yes". He said he needed to meet up with a classmate at school then we'd go to the movie at 4:15 in Sugarhouse. I told him I'd just meet him at the theater then, but he said that if I didn't want to drive (since my car is having issues) he'd swing by around 1pm and I could just read or something while he finished up his stuff at the school. It was my day off work and I didn't have anything else to do so I went along.

It's been a couple weeks since he and I have had a chance to just be the two of us and talk and such, so it was nice to have him mostly to myself all afternoon today. I didn't get to ask him everything I wanted to, but we had a good time and I feel better about things. A lot of changes are in progress right now and I've been afraid that with the changes our friendship would be drastically altered and I'd lose him. I'm pretty much constantly afraid that my friends will suddenly decide to stop being my friend anyway (it's happened in the past) and so I get extra nervous when life provides them with a legitimate and easy exit.

Today was good. His peer reviews didn't take as long as he thought so we wandered around campus for a bit, hung out with some of his classmates, and then went to lunch at a burger joint across the street. We went to the movie and then stopped in at DI to look for a bike. Then, as he was driving me home, he said he was going to meet up with a couple other friends to watch a TV show they are into and invited me to tag along. I had plans with Hey Pay so I thanked him and declined, but it was nice of him to offer.

I have this fear that he's just being kind and tolerating me rather than genuinely wanting me around...but if he didn't care and didn't like having me around he wouldn't come around as often as he does, he wouldn't have kept trying to go to the movie with me, he wouldn't have invited me to go to the school with him, he wouldn't have spent 5 hours with me and then invited me to stay with him longer. It's just that whenever things look good, or when I start to feel happy and content with life, I always hesitate, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for life to take a sudden nose dive, back into the "depths of despair". I have a horrible habit of negatively predicting the future. I am aware of this, I know it's illogical and pessimistic, and I'm doing my best to stop thinking this way.

Positive Affirmations
Life is good. Life can and probably will stay good. I'm allowed to be happy. People love me; they enjoy being around me and spending time with me. I have a nice little group of friends who genuinely care about me and like having me around. The other shoe is not going to drop, I will not be deserted by everyone I care about. Some of these friends (possibly including this one in particular) will be my friends for a very long time, maybe even the rest of my life.

I just have to repeat these positive thoughts until I really believe them and they replace the incorrect negative thoughts. I'm getting there. I'm progressing. I'm not leaning on others for support, most of them have no idea about my struggles or the reasons I prefer to be with people instead of spending a lot of time alone. I'm not dependent on them, they simply make my personal burdens a little easier to bear (most of the time without even knowing anything about it). They come, we have fun, and I am reassured simply by their presence. I can't make it alone, none of us can. We're in it together and that's how we make it through.

As we watched the movie today I noticed that. We saw The King's Speech. The Duke of York, later crowned King of England had a stutter that made it very difficult for him to speak, but he had the incredible support of his wife who found him an incredibly understanding and supportive friend to help him. We all have things we struggle with, whether they are plainly noticeable (such as a stutter or physical handicap), or they are hidden inside (such as depression, anxiety, OCD, or other mental or emotional disorders). No matter the struggle, we don't have to go through it alone. We're stronger and better able to overcome anything when we allow others to stand by us and help us through.

Anyway, once again, I am thankful for my dear friends and I consider myself very blessed because I know and have known so many amazing people. I look forward to meeting many more.

It's always a good day when shared with a friend!