I've been wondering

Does God really care about me? Does He see me? Does He know me? Does He want me to be happy and successful?

The reason these questions matter is because if God doesn't care, I'm not sure I can convince myself to care. If I don't care...well, I wouldn't do anything that can't be undone...but I might become one of those "empty shell people" who just stay in bed and stop trying.

Recently I've been feeling like no one really cares about me. Like everyone just stays around because I fill some sort of need, but not because they really care about ME. I see people for who they are. I love people for who they are, not for what they give to me or do for me. I genuinely care about people and I like to do what I can to help make their lives better. Mostly that means I listen to them (I'm pretty good at getting people to spill their guts to me without much prodding). I try not to talk much. I try to not complain or let people know when I'm hurting or having some sort of trouble...like, I've been having anxiety attacks recently, but I've become pretty good at hiding the fact that anything is wrong.

Monday night, though, I couldn't do it anymore. Last week was too stressful, too overwhelming and I just couldn't handle it on my own anymore. I had a little breakdown...at the institute after FHE...but it ended much better than I could have imagined or hoped.

I had been praying for help, and it had come in little ways throughout the week...mostly in the form of a particular friend. Our friendship still baffles me a bit, mainly because most of the time he doesn't say the things I wish he would. I wish he'd tell me from his perspective why we're friends, why he sticks around, why he cares...that he cares. He's rarely ever said the words, but his actions have been saying what his words won't.

He's been texting me, not just as a response to my texts to him (though that has improved as well), but of his own initiation as well. Sunday night when he forgot his phone at home, he had Ampt text me to let me know he didn't have his phone and to invite me to watch a movie with them. He remembered to think of me. Such a stupid, simple thing, but it meant more than I can tell you.

Then, Monday night when I was panicking and completely losing it because I didn't know what to do about Fozzie, fretting over his recent non-friend behavior he said, "Hey, you know what? The Artist and me, we're your friends. We're here for you." He said the words and reinforced them with his behavior. I believe him. I trust him...and The Artist...which means that I finally have two men in my life that I know care about me; I now have two men in my life I can trust. They've stuck around, even when I've been a little crazy, and they never used me or abused me. They genuinely like me, like spending time with me, without asking for anything from me. Fozzie's still a work in progress. I'm not convinced of his sincerity yet...but because I believe him when I'm with him, it makes me think it's only a matter of time before I trust him too.

I'm also grateful for my dear girl friends. They have been lifesavers as well. Ampt, Hey Pay, Pola, Chelle, LaT, Arster, Niffer...I'm so grateful for their love and friendship. I am so blessed with so many dear friends...

And that proves to me that God also cares; He knows me, He loves me, He wants me to be happy and to succeed. So I'll keep trying...and I'll try to stop wondering and just trust...