Stuck

I'm so uncomfortable. There's a storm coming in again and I can feel it in my head. It's 2am and I haven't even tried to sleep. I'm in a bad moment, worse than normal, a giving up kind of moment. I'm tired of fighting, tired of hurting, tired of being tired. I don't want to do it anymore because I feel like I'm not progressing. I feel stuck again and I don't know what I'm stuck in so I don't know how to get unstuck.

Last week I decided to not plan anything social. I don't want to be the one always initiating, always inviting. Sometimes it would be nice to be "on the list" instead of the one making "the list". Generally, it worked out. I thought I would be sitting home alone every night but I pretty much spent the week with Ampt and her roommates + a couple pleasantly unexpected additions. I'd like to be there more. I'd really like to be invited and given a place in that social circle. I don't want to leave behind my little posse, I'd like to merge groups if possible...we're all "friendly" but I'd like us all to be friends.

The way I explained it to Bestest Friend the other day is that they have started inviting me to parties or bigger, planned out events...but I'm not just a party person, I'm an everyday living type of person. I'm not a fair-weather, just for fun friend (though I am a lot of fun), I'm a friend for all seasons kind of girl.

Anyway, this was not supposed to be a blog post about feeling neglected or left out...or a post about wanting to be invited and included (though I really would like to be invited and included).

I'm feeling kinda stuck in a blue funk of sorts. Part of it is hormonal. Part of it is stress. Part of it is the changing of the seasons and just change in general (both the resistance of and the need for). I didn't work yesterday and I got paid on Thursday so I went and got my hair done. It's completely different. She did highlights, so I'm back to streaks of blond. At first I was disappointed because I really didn't want to be a blond, but I actually really like it this time. It's not totally blond, and it's different enough that people notice. The response at the party last night was all positive (even the boys noticed, right off, and complemented me). It was definitely a good and way past due change. But what other changes can I make to get me unstuck?

I'm so antsy and ready for complete newness...and yet, at the same time, I am terrified of changing anything that won't "grow back". When I start feeling this way, the first thing I always do is change my hair. It's the least risky because if it doesn't work out the way I envision, the color can be altered again, or if it's a bad cut, it'll grow back out. But the bigger risks, the ones that will really help me break free and make a difference, those are the ones with which I hesitate. What if I make a horrible mistake? What if I can't take it back or work it out? What if I get stuck in a different kind of rut that I ends up consuming and destroying a significant portion of my existence?

The biggest spots of quicksand in my life right now are in the realms of spirituality and dating. I'm stuck spiritually mainly because I'm not putting forth the effort that I know is required for progression. It's the same with dating. I haven't been on a date in over a year. I haven't had a boyfriend in two and a half years. When I'm talking with friends, I blame the lack of "eligible bachelors," saying that all the guys are too young or immature or scary or unmotivated or shallow...etc. But the real reason I'm not involved is not for lack of options or opportunity. It's the same problem I'm having with my spirituality. I'm bitter, angry, discouraged, and needlessly nursing old wounds. I'm afraid. I'm lacking hope and faith. I can't work through it alone, I need some help with sorting out the barriers still standing in my way, but I don't know who to ask. I don't know where to turn for help.

I don't want to be stuck anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be bitter and angry anymore...but the anger is more functional than the hurt is. Heartache or pain leads to debilitating depression and I stay in bed until noon or after. Anger allows me to at least get out of bed and find ways to keep busy and distract myself from the hurt.

The trouble with the hurt is that it's the hurt that has always haunted and hovered over and around me for as long as I can remember. I'm not talking about the hurt caused by the weasel or bobpi or any other past relationships. I'm talking about the nameless, faceless, sourceless hurt that makes my heart ache to the point where I wish I could just tear it out in order to feel anything else for a while. I can't explain it. I can't talk about it. I don't know why I'm writing about it here. I guess I'm just tired of holding it inside. I'm trying to send it out into the void and see if a solution might be sent back? I don't know.

Anyway, my computer is overheating and starting to malfunction, so I better wrap this up and go to bed. Thanks for listening. Sorry it's a little whiny and disjointed. Life is generally good, it's just not quite what I want it to be and I'm having trouble figuring out how to get it there.