Bright Spots

sitcoms
unexpected text messages
dinner with the fam at Red Robin
books
payday
movies
front porch swing
sunshine

I'm having trouble coming up with things I'm grateful for today.  It's not such a great day so I'm trying to count my blessings but I'm really having a difficult time.  I'm tired and didn't eat like I should have.  Certain very important wants/needs are not being filled at the moment and I'm running out of patience.  I'm trying but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  I've tied the knot and I'm hanging on, but if help doesn't come soon I don't know what I'm going to do.

A lot of things have been changing recently.  The most recent change is Gonzo's move.  He's not in my ward anymore and I'm kind of panicking.  He's been a very important friend in my life over the last year and I'm not ready to lose him.  On a logical level I can convince myself that we're good enough friends that this little change isn't going to sever our interaction, but I'm not a logical person.  I'm an emotional person and until he stays,  I don't know how to trust that he cares enough about me to stick around.



I'm working on overcoming this need to keep people around; I haven't told him my fears and I'm not needy or pleading...I act normal, like everything is just as it has been.  But inside I'm a wreck, clinging to every second with him as though it's the last.  I can't explain my feelings, my ridiculous need to have him around.  All I can say is that I feel safe when he's there.  I never feel safe...have never felt safe...except when I'm with Gonzo.  I don't understand it.  I've stopped questioning it.  All I know is how I feel and that's a feeling I want to live in for a long time.  In trying to explain it to Pola, I told her I wish we'd been born brother and sister, twins maybe.  Then I would have him in my life from the moment I was born until forever.  But that's not the case.  He lived just fine without me, and would probably not even be affected if I was suddenly not around.  But for me, he's been a dear friend and a lifeline.

I know that when he is gone, someone else will come and more or less fill in the void.  But that doesn't help assuage the fear of losing him before I'm ready to let go.