He came over at 10:45 at night because I needed him.
Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up with a migraine and anxiety, feeling completely insignificant and unnecessary. I've felt displaced, in limbo; that place between an ending and a beginning where the air is too thin and at the same time too thick to breathe. I feel claustrophobic, confined, stuck. I've been afraid that a new friendship means he doesn't want or need me anymore. I've tried to be friends with the new friend, but it's like when Bobpi started dating his now wife, I cared too much about him so I tried to be friends and let her know that I wasn't a threat and she didn't need to veto me, but she didn't try at all, she wanted me out. He didn't even fight for me. Now I know this situation is a little different, it's all on the friendship level on all accounts, but my fear has been overwhelming. I'm not ready to be without him, but his new-ish friend does not seem to like me one bit. I feel like she tolerates me because we have mutual friends, but she certainly has made little to no effort to be friendly. I don't know what to do with people like that. I try to be friendly and kind, but they don't try at all.
Anyway, I finally voiced my feelings and fears tonight. I told him I was terrified of losing his friendship, that since he found a new friend to spend his time with, he wouldn't want me or need me anymore. He said he's not going anywhere. He said he cares, that I'm important and that even though we haven't been friends all that long, he considers me a very dear friend. He needs me, wants me, and trusts me. He said I'm a good friend and that my loving and needing him makes him feel better about himself.
When I was 16 or so, life was too much for me to handle alone. I was in a horribly dark place and I needed a lifeline to pull me back from the sharp edge I was standing on. That's when I started writing. I created alternate realities for myself, places I could escape into where people loved me, understood me, accepted me, and never left me. In that place, I created one friend in particular. I have been praying and searching for that friend my entire life. I thought I found it once in the weasel, but he ended up being quite the opposite instead. My favorite TV show of all time is Alias, more because of Sydney's relationship with one person in particular than for any other reason. Will Tippin is in almost every way the embodiment of my imaginary perfect friend. So, from now on when I refer to this dear boy who came over tonight and talked with me until I was calm and comforted (even though he was so tired and has to be up early in the morning) I'll call him Will.
I know, and I have known for a while that he cares, that he's not going to just up and leave me or hurt me in any way. I know he loves me and values our friendship. But sometimes (as I told him tonight) sometimes I just need to hear the words coming from his lips in his voice. So when I feel anxious about it, I'll have his words in his voice to play over the doubts and fears in my head. Sometimes it's not enough to know a thing, sometimes it's takes a tender moment of kind and loving reassurance to set my mind and heart at ease. Thank you, my dear, sweet Will for giving me your words tonight.
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