flood

i love words.  i love that i understand words and if i come across an unfamiliar word, i have easy resources for becoming acquainted with the word.  i love how sometimes i feel like i have a secret relationship with words, we have so many inside jokes and they know all my secrets.  when no one else is available, words are there to listen, to comfort, to help me figure out what to do.

sometimes words and i don't get along very well, they don't do what i want or they say things i don't want to know.  sometimes they taunt me, sitting there, waiting for me to pick them up and move them around, but something inside of me has nothing to say, or is unsure of how to form the words in adequate ways.  but somehow we always reconcile.  words are forgiving, always just there, waiting and willing, when i decide to come back around and pick them up again.

that was a tangent.  not the reason for the post.

i don't remember the last time i cried...like, really cried.  i have been numb...or happy...for months so i haven't had any urgent reason to expel the demons of my soul.   the last couple of weeks have been rough and the barriers began to bend but i've been fortifying the defenses for too long and i could not release the flood.  going to see the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower pinpricked the facade but released only a trickle.

saturday i woke feeling inexplicably sad.  the depression has hovered for a couple of weeks but the only emotion i had on saturday was sadness.  something needed to change and i didn't know what to do or how to do it.  saturday night gave me a glimmer into what needed to happen but the how still eluded me.  my all or nothing instinct refused to lend satisfaction for any solution i came up with.  by sunday night complete despair entrapped me and i could not break free on my own.  i posted a plea on facebook for prayers and happy thoughts to help me, then in the midst of a panic attack i asked my bestest friend to call me at her earliest convenience.  she responded quickly and listened while i destroyed the dam and, sobbing, poured out my plight.  she listened, counseled, encouraged, comforted, and moved me to action.

almost immediately i started feeling better.  my all or nothing was still in full force though so i paced myself and after careful consideration all day yesterday and thus far today, i have the beginnings of a game plan i think will help me with my most distressing situation.  now all i have to do is find the courage to actually put it into action.