happy place

oh what i wouldn't give right now for a one-way ticket to a deserted island someplace where i can't be found. i'm beyond stressed and overwhelmed. i'm in shut down mode...i go through what motions are most necessary, but generally i just want to hide and pretend i don't exist. i realize this is a rather disfunctional way of dealing with life but in all my studies and various episodes of therapy and whatnot, i've never quite figured out how to cope more productively. so, i've been watching way too much tv and playing too many games on my ipod and avoiding people as much as possible. the people i most want to be with right now are...unavailable to me...and therefore, little miss dramatic me feels life is not worth living. i'm surviving, treading water, using all my energy just to keep my head above the water.

i am basically pennies away from being completely broke. actually, if i take into account that my line of credit is maxed out, my credit card holds a higher balance than i'd like to admit and i have thousands of dollars in student loans that i'm trying to pay off...plus the fact that i need new tires on my car, i guess i'm beyond broke. i need a better paying job, like, yesterday, and though i've been looking, i can't find anything that moves me to action. i'm having fits of depression and anxiety attacks all over the place. i just have no idea what to do.

now, i've always been blessed with what i need when i need it, and i generally go through this moment of intense and overwhelming panic just before things come together...but what if this time things don't work out? what if i've exhausted my chances and this time i end up destitute and financially destroyed? what if i can't pull myself together and force myself to work for money, no matter what that means i have to do? what if i'm not good enough or smart enough or fast enough.  what if i'm never enough? i feel like such an incapable, inadequate wreck.

where is the blanket of peace, love, hope and safety that i can wrap myself up in to get me through until that all illusive time when "things will get better"? i want to go to my happy place but the mountains of bills and inadequate employment are standing in the way. i'm trying to be positive and cling to that blessed ideal of future prosperity, but it just seems i'll never quite get there.

there must be some way of getting where i want most to be. i'll keep searching till i find it....